The Blue Knight Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 Sorry but "nice ladies" don't step out on their husbands. As for the rest the old saying tells us that birds of a feather flock together, a cheating, lying wife ends up with a cheating lying husband? Sounds like a perfect match to me. OP, a cautionary note here, while you disclosing was a great thing & getting IC for yourself even greater, don't make the mistake of focusing on your husband's behaviors during your self-examination. The only question facing you should be: why did I decide to cheat instead of taking other, more honorable steps to either repair or end my marriage? Why didn't YOU honor the wedding vows you took? I sense a lot of potential for blame shifting in this thread & several already all too eager to enable you in minimizing your actions due to your husband's behaviors. As deplorable as his actions have been.. going down that road won't help YOU to fix what's broken inside of you. There is no excuse for a revenge affair and I don't feel that the OP is really attempting to sell that to the readers anyway . . . but truthfully, I think everyone here can understand and relate to the behavior on her part. Anyone who has been victimized by an affair certainly has thought about the sweet "payback" or at the very least, imagined it, even if they never followed through with it. What the OP didn't bargain for was that her affair wasn't going to make her situation better, it only caused her further pain, shame, and more misery.
The Blue Knight Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 He is starting to ramp up and his anger is escalating with texts and calls and I am starting to worry. I do feel I struggle with codependency it is something I will need to bring up in therapy. Thank you! If things get too out of hand you may have to get an order for protection or a restraining order LD. Don't wait around. You can always revoke it later if things change. You don't need to feel his "wrath" after what he did to you. Assuming your husband was a serial cheater, this is probably not an easy pill for him to swallow. Being the narcissistic personalities that they are, he imagined that he was right man for all the women he got involved with, because in his mind, to deprive these lovely ladies of his charm and sexual wonder just wouldn't be right. When you cheated on him, you broke the code which in his mind that states "he's entitled" to spread his sexual promiscuity where ever those of the female persuasion find him appealing, and you don't have a license to do likewise. You're supposed to be a "kept" woman who is only there to service him. This may get worse before it gets better. Give some thought to an OFP.
soserious1 Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 No blame shifting here. I own everything I did, and trust me the questions in bold I ask and ponder every single day. I work on it in therapy and I have never repeated any of this kind of behavior nor did I behave in this manner before my A. I actually have not been focusing on my H's behaviors. I currently have been feeling great remorse and feel bad for the pain that he is in. My H did not show me that when his A's were exposed. Again, you were doing great till the very last line of your post. Your course of action must be to focus on yourself, what your husband has done or hasn't done has no bearing on the central questions you must be asking yourself if you are to rebuild your life. This time in IC is totally YOU time, use it to figure out what part in your thought process made it okay for you to totally abandon your core beliefs in this way. This isn't about making your suffer here, it's about helping you to reexamine your belief system, recognize flaws in your coping processes and helping you to fix them so this never happens to you again. IC will also help you sort out why you loved & married this person to begin with. What need in YOU did he serve?
Spark1111 Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 Sometimes there was nothing broken in the BS until the cheating spouse broke it. Sometimes the blame can rest squarely where it lies. I suspect the OP never would have gone outside of her marriage until her H dropped a freakin' nuke on it. Regret on the part of the OP for her decision and how it impacts herself and chance of R is another matter entirely. That's right! LD's H told her that he didn't get enough sex so he went outside the marriage. They had sex twice a week, but that apparently wasn't enough for him. He sounded so remorseful, no? She wanted to keep her family together for the sake of the kids, and he was acting kinder towards her. I guess, after that brief honeymoon period, he went right back to his old ways. She went to therapy. She confessed. SHE is finally on the right path. She feels tremendously guilty and remorseful. HIM? Well, he's back to trawling....and trying to convince her it ain't so.
Spark1111 Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 LD, all those posts where you claimed you would never tell him....were you afraid that this is exactly the reaction he would have? belittling, berating, punishing and still gaslighting you? Did fear play a part in your previous decision to NOT confess? Because to me....that is a horse of a different color! In fact, it is the ONLY time full disclosure is not reccommended...when there is potentially the threat of physical or emotional abuse.
Author ladydesigner Posted May 4, 2012 Author Posted May 4, 2012 LD, all those posts where you claimed you would never tell him....were you afraid that this is exactly the reaction he would have? belittling, berating, punishing and still gaslighting you? Did fear play a part in your previous decision to NOT confess? Because to me....that is a horse of a different color! In fact, it is the ONLY time full disclosure is not reccommended...when there is potentially the threat of physical or emotional abuse. Fear of abuse is absolutely why I have been afraid to confess. He is being emotionally abusive and I am somewhat relieved that he is currently out of the house for fear of my safety. I'm not sure what would happen if his anger were to escalate if we were alone in the house with no kids around. Soserious I am not trying to blameshift. I own my actions and my H needs to own his and he is not. He is blaming me for his A's and obviously me for mine. I do realize I have a lot of work to look within myself to find out what is broken in me. My goal is achieve that one day. I am by no means perfect and I did something that is despicable. I own that. I realize there were other options at the time instead of having my own A and I realize that I did not think or behave a way a healthy adult would act. I have a lot of issues and those need to be explored further in my therapy. I believe I can become a better person.
Spark1111 Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 Fear of abuse is absolutely why I have been afraid to confess. He is being emotionally abusive and I am somewhat relieved that he is currently out of the house for fear of my safety. I'm not sure what would happen if his anger were to escalate if we were alone in the house with no kids around. Soserious I am not trying to blameshift. I own my actions and my H needs to own his and he is not. He is blaming me for his A's and obviously me for mine. I do realize I have a lot of work to look within myself to find out what is broken in me. My goal is achieve that one day. I am by no means perfect and I did something that is despicable. I own that. I realize there were other options at the time instead of having my own A and I realize that I did not think or behave a way a healthy adult would act. I have a lot of issues and those need to be explored further in my therapy. I believe I can become a better person. You know what? Based on all you have written? You have always been the better person. Please stay safe. Do NOT be alone with him unless it is in a public place and you have your own transportation to leave if need be. You do not have to accept unacceptable (abusive)behavior, not even, or especially in front of your own children. Try, please, to have someone with you when he comes to pick up or drop off your children. Maybe a family member can help you out? He should not use the children to browbeat you in front of them. Very disrespectful and very damaging to them. Do you have family support?
Author ladydesigner Posted May 4, 2012 Author Posted May 4, 2012 You know what? Based on all you have written? You have always been the better person. Please stay safe. Do NOT be alone with him unless it is in a public place and you have your own transportation to leave if need be. You do not have to accept unacceptable (abusive)behavior, not even, or especially in front of your own children. Try, please, to have someone with you when he comes to pick up or drop off your children. Maybe a family member can help you out? He should not use the children to browbeat you in front of them. Very disrespectful and very damaging to them. Do you have family support? He has not been verbally abusive in front of the kids, but has been on the phone and harassing texts. His anger is escalating that is what concerns me. My family lives a few hours away so I only have friends that are close by that I can lean on for support.
soserious1 Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 I'm not sure why you have attacked me as such, but it's okay. You are right that should have come across my mind. Like I said in my previous posts I have issues I need to work out. I also have issues with past abuse and childhood abuse and not sure if some of that has shaped my poor choices. My intent is not to attack you but rather to focus more on how you ended up in this mess. I personally think this is best done by focusing on what you've said & done rather than your husband's misdeeds. Btw, don't think for a hot second that I approve of your husband's behaviors because I don't, but you are the one here seeking input & advice, not him.
PhoenixRise Posted May 4, 2012 Posted May 4, 2012 My intent is not to attack you but rather to focus more on how you ended up in this mess. I personally think this is best done by focusing on what you've said & done rather than your husband's misdeeds. Btw, don't think for a hot second that I approve of your husband's behaviors because I don't, but you are the one here seeking input & advice, not him. Normally I would agree with this kind of advice. Introspection is a good thing. If you go against your own morals and betray someone you love you should look within to figure out why you did what you did and you should take steps to make sure it doesn't happen again. The thing is, ladydesigner is a long term poster She has done much of this work already. She is in therapy. She is remorseful.She is owing her $h**. She confessed. But the fact that her husband's anger is escalating is an immediate problem. The fact that she is ALSO dealing with another dday where she discovered even more cheating on his part is an immediate problem. The fact that he is still trying to gaslight her is an immediate problem. The fact that he is blaming her for his affairs is an immediate problem. These are all things that are happening to her right now. Is she supposed to just ignore all that and pretend that it is not happening because she had a revenge affair? Are her husband's actions now of no consequence because she had a revenge affair? Is she supposed to accept his behavior as her due because she had a revenge affair? I would be willing to bet Ladydesigner can multitask. I will bet that she can get support and deal with the current behavior of her husband AND completely own what she did (her revenge affair) at the same time. Dealing with her immediate problems does NOT negate her taking responsibility for her own actions. 3
Stephanie Posted May 5, 2012 Posted May 5, 2012 This thread has been edited in an attempt to return it to relevant, on topic discussion. My apologies to members whose posts were deleted in this clean up, but there were too many quotes and mixed messages (defense of the OP mixed in with on topic discussion) for me to edit the majority of the posts on the thread.
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