I disclosed my affair

[ladydesigner]

Hi it's been awhile since posting at LS, but just want to let all who remember me know my update. I found out my H had more A's recently and I felt he deserved to know the truth about me. While I was upset at my H's A's I still felt a need to work on the M. My disclosure was not taken so well (as you all advised not to wait and I did). I do feel released from my imprisonment of keeping this secret and am happy my H has all the facts (as everyone deserves to know the truth and now he has it). We are currently separated and I understand.

 

I still have a lot of work to do on myself and hope to be a much happier and healthy person in the future (I'm been in IC for a year and will continue indefinitely). I am extremely remorseful for what I have done and for keeping this secret and to anyone out there thinking of having an A. Please stop and take a big look at everything around you and make sure that it is that which you want to destroy because after an A it will be. I have learned this very painful lesson and will carry it with me forever.

 

Thank you all at LS for your thoughts, advice, and words of wisdom.

[Fitz]

Thanks for sharing your story and your wisdom!

[BetrayedH]

I also had a RA and confessed. I'm glad you chose the same thing even if it took you a while to get there. I'm not happy that I chose to compromise my integrity, regardless of my stupid wife's choices. Keeping the secret just would have compromised my integrity longer. I'm trying to get back to being the man I once was. But you can't start until you, um, start.

[findingnemo]

Hi it's been awhile since posting at LS, but just want to let all who remember me know my update. I found out my H had more A's recently and I felt he deserved to know the truth about me. While I was upset at my H's A's I still felt a need to work on the M. My disclosure was not taken so well (as you all advised not to wait and I did). I do feel released from my imprisonment of keeping this secret and am happy my H has all the facts (as everyone deserves to know the truth and now he has it). We are currently separated and I understand.

 

I still have a lot of work to do on myself and hope to be a much happier and healthy person in the future (I'm been in IC for a year and will continue indefinitely). I am extremely remorseful for what I have done and for keeping this secret and to anyone out there thinking of having an A. Please stop and take a big look at everything around you and make sure that it is that which you want to destroy because after an A it will be. I have learned this very painful lesson and will carry it with me forever.

 

Thank you all at LS for your thoughts, advice, and words of wisdom.

 

I haven't read your back story yet. I'm sorry that it has been hard for you but I'm glad that you don't have to deal with the inner struggle that comes from lying. I hope everything works out for you and that soon you will find peace of mind.

 

I'm wondering though how come your H had As and what his exact reaction was to your disclosure. I hope that he didn't become all sanctimonious on you and blame you for his As. That isn't a burden for you to carry.

 

Good luck with IC and keep posting.

[ladydesigner]

My A was a RA my H had A's first and well upon my disclosure he reacted as if what I did was worse than his. I honestly am at a loss, but his decision was to stay away at the moment to think. I understand. I still have to carry the burden of his A's and mine and well I guess we cannot control outcomes so I have to just work on myself and become a better person.

[Owl]

Hey LD...I remember your situation. Glad you finally opted to tell. Regardless, now it's all out in the open and you both have the same options to work on things or not.

 

Good for you!

 

Hope this situation works out the best way it can for both of you.

[Snowflower]

Ladydesigner, you have always been one of my favorite posters here on LS. I remember your story well.

 

I hope things work out in the best way they are supposed to for you. It is interesting that your H appears to think that what you did was worse than what he has repeatedly done. I wonder if he will ever have an answer for that for you. Apparently, his issues within himself are not resolved if he continues to make the choice to have affairs.

 

Likewise, you dug deep and learned from your choices.

 

Anyway, hang in there. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[jphcbpa]

. and to anyone out there thinking of having an A. Please stop and take a big look at everything around you and make sure that it is that which you want to destroy because after an A it will be.

 

this stopped me in my tracks. they eat at your soul.

[ladydesigner]

Question...would you have disclosed if he had not continued to cheat?

 

Yes I have almost told him many times. It has weighed heavily on my soul. I have come to realize that a marriage cannot be repaired built on lies. Mine was a good example of that.

[Radu]

My A was a RA my H had A's first and well upon my disclosure he reacted as if what I did was worse than his. I honestly am at a loss, but his decision was to stay away at the moment to think. I understand. I still have to carry the burden of his A's and mine and well I guess we cannot control outcomes so I have to just work on myself and become a better person.

 

Your RA is on you, his A's are on him ... big distinction.

 

Maybe what you did may have contributed towards him having A's, but in the end it was his decision to cheat.

 

I hope it works out for you.

[ladydesigner]

Ladydesigner, you have always been one of my favorite posters here on LS. I remember your story well.

 

I hope things work out in the best way they are supposed to for you. It is interesting that your H appears to think that what you did was worse than what he has repeatedly done. I wonder if he will ever have an answer for that for you. Apparently, his issues within himself are not resolved if he continues to make the choice to have affairs.

 

Likewise, you dug deep and learned from your choices.

 

Anyway, hang in there. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

Thanks Snowflower you have also been one of my favorite posters

 

I agree with the bolded that his issues have never been resolved. He has multiple infidelities, bad boundaries, inappropriate friendships, you name it. He knows he has these issues but has not been proactive in seeking out why.

 

I will never repeat my actions that led me down my horrible path. I have paid dearly for it. I will continue to always work on myself and learn from my poor choices, infidelity being one of them.

[Spark1111]

Thanks Snowflower you have also been one of my favorite posters

 

I agree with the bolded that his issues have never been resolved. He has multiple infidelities, bad boundaries, inappropriate friendships, you name it. He knows he has these issues but has not been proactive in seeking out why.

 

I will never repeat my actions that led me down my horrible path. I have paid dearly for it. I will continue to always work on myself and learn from my poor choices, infidelity being one of them.

 

I am soooooo proud of you.

 

I know how fearful you were to tell him, hopeful he would change.

 

Yet, he did not. How sad, mostly for him.

 

You always struck me as such a kind-hearted and....innocent lady!

 

You regretted your affair quickly and hoped so hard for your marriage to work out; for him to change and truly appreciate you.

 

I am sorry he views your one RA, with a not-so-great guy who showed you a lot of attention, as soooo much more of a transgression than his numerous ones. Pretty arrogant, dontcha think? Or at least, very self-entitled.

 

I am so happy you are in therapy. I wish only the best for you!

[SoulStorm]

Soooo. Well done.

Not as dangerous as you believed huh? Painful..yes. But not the danger you expected.

I'm sorry you have to go through this, but glad you confessed:)

[SidLyon]

I'm really sorry to hear your news LD. As I recall your d-day was about the same time as mine and your RA was after that.

 

After d-day I didn't have a RA but certainly told my H I was more "at risk" of having one, if a man happened to show me some attention. I confessed all my past indiscretions to my H shortly after d-day. This included me having cheated in previous relationship, and that 2 weeks after my H and I had our first date, I had "kissed and cuddled" (honestly that's all it was) with another man. It was very easy to confess at that time as our lives were in such turmoil. I agree honesty is best in such situations but I'm sorry your honesty was repaid with a separation.

 

Do you mean that your H continued to cheat even after d-day or that you have just discovered more past affairs? These are always big fears in a reconciling marriage that is being rebuilt from scratch.

 

Either way your H seems to have had a very harsh reaction in the circumstances.

[findingnemo]

I've been thinking about your situation for a bit. What has happened with you reminds me of something I was told a long time ago. Unless two people are honest with each other, a R will never work out. Unless both parties can accept that they are not perfect, a R is almost impossible.

 

Now you've confessed and your H is angry. I wonder, LD. What does this tell you about your H? Is he the person you believed him to be? Did you know that he had a different standard for you when it comes to faithfulness? I recognized that for what it was. My H when confronted about the As said something about it being okay because he's a man, or at least less damaging to the family. He was possessive and suspicious and yet it was he who had the As. I couldn't help thinking that this attitude was a sign of what he thought of me in general. He believed and still does that I am less than him somehow. It was the attitude that hurt me the most.

 

So while you're working on yourself and growing, I hope that you can consider that your H's true colours have surfaced and that you deserve someone who sees you as an equal, as a precious human being who feels, who reacts, and who can make mistakes. If he continues to see your RA as a deal breaker, then I'm afraid that says a lot about his character, and it isn't pretty.

[SandieBeach]

My A was a RA my H had A's first and well upon my disclosure he reacted as if what I did was worse than his. I honestly am at a loss, but his decision was to stay away at the moment to think. I understand. I still have to carry the burden of his A's and mine and well I guess we cannot control outcomes so I have to just work on myself and become a better person.

 

LD, I am not familiar with your story, but I am a huge proponent of keeping one's conscience clean . I am glad you did what you believed was the right thing to do, and I wish you all the best in whatever the future brings you.

 

On a different note, the fact that your husband (who apparently has been having affairs like they are going out of style) is treating you as if what you've done is worse - that's just the biggest hypocrisy in the world! It makes me sick when hypocrites start acting all self-righteous on you :sick:! I like your plan to just work on yourself to become the person you want to be, but that man of yours something else.

[ladydesigner]

I'm really sorry to hear your news LD. As I recall your d-day was about the same time as mine and your RA was after that.

 

After d-day I didn't have a RA but certainly told my H I was more "at risk" of having one, if a man happened to show me some attention. I confessed all my past indiscretions to my H shortly after d-day. This included me having cheated in previous relationship, and that 2 weeks after my H and I had our first date, I had "kissed and cuddled" (honestly that's all it was) with another man. It was very easy to confess at that time as our lives were in such turmoil. I agree honesty is best in such situations but I'm sorry your honesty was repaid with a separation.

 

Do you mean that your H continued to cheat even after d-day or that you have just discovered more past affairs? These are always big fears in a reconciling marriage that is being rebuilt from scratch.

 

Either way your H seems to have had a very harsh reaction in the circumstances.

 

Yes he did have more after the initial D-Day, the most recent being just a month ago. He is now saying that he never slept with any of his. That they were all emotional, dirty talk, kissing, groping (I'm not sure I believe him) but that mine is so much worse:(

 

I have seen him when he comes to get the kids but he continues to berate me and make me feel like I am a really awful person and I already feel so bad and so much remorse. I feel like I am carrying the burden of his A's and my own and it is starting to take a toll on me mentally and emotionally. I feel so lost right now. I don't know why but I really love my H, he is my lover, my best friend, the father of our kids. I can barely make it through my days right now, but am trying.

 

Thank you to all for your posts back to me and the support and wonderful words.

 

Thank you Spark your post brought tears to my eyes.

 

FindingNemo yes I am afraid this is my H's character he seems very sociopathic right now and it is killing me.

 

Thank you for your support LS it is a godsend to me.

[PhoenixRise]

Yes he did have more after the initial D-Day, the most recent being just a month ago. He is now saying that he never slept with any of his. That they were all emotional, dirty talk, kissing, groping (I'm not sure I believe him) but that mine is so much worse:(

 

I have seen him when he comes to get the kids but he continues to berate me and make me feel like I am a really awful person and I already feel so bad and so much remorse. I feel like I am carrying the burden of his A's and my own and it is starting to take a toll on me mentally and emotionally. I feel so lost right now. I don't know why but I really love my H, he is my lover, my best friend, the father of our kids. I can barely make it through my days right now, but am trying.

 

Thank you to all for your posts back to me and the support and wonderful words.

 

Thank you Spark your post brought tears to my eyes.

 

FindingNemo yes I am afraid this is my H's character he seems very sociopathic right now and it is killing me.

 

Thank you for your support LS it is a godsend to me.

 

LD

 

I don't post here that often but I do remember your story.

 

I will tell you the same thing I tell BS's. You Must Accept The Facts On The Ground. Right now, your husband is not your best friend. Maybe he was in the past. Maybe one day in the future he will be again. But right now...no he is not your best friend, he is not your friend at all.

 

I think under his pain at the betrayal he mostly feels happy and relieved to have knowledge of your affair. He feels like the playing field has been leveled and if he can get you to believe that his affairs were not physical then YOU will be the one taking all the blame and doing any and all heavy lifting in the relationship.

 

Do NOT take on all the crap of his affairs. Not even for a minute. You are responsible for your own character and HE is responsible for his.

 

Your husband is a serial cheater who was counting on your faithfulness and fidelity to keep the marriage together. He never thought that you might do the same thing he feels entitled to do.

 

You feel remose for your actions? Of course your do. Anybody with a conscious (and I know you have one) would feel remorse about betraying their spouse. But don't let your remorse blind you to the facts on the ground. Your husband is a serial cheater who continued to cheat beyond your dday. Your husband, it seems, has not learned anything or grown as a person as a result of your dday since he can't even tell the truth about the extent of his cheating.

 

I think if your husband comes home he will continue to minimize his affairs while he beats you over the head with your affair. I think he will do this while he continues to cheat and to keep you from questioning his actions. I think he will do it until kingdom comes.

 

Unless of course, he gets some serious help to address his SERIAL cheating and learns to own his own $h**. And I think, for the foreseeable future at least, your affair is going to be his excuse for not looking at himself.

 

I know you love him. I get that. And I know that you are hurting like hell. And I am so sorry for your pain. I just don't want your remorse to lead you to fight for what might be a completely unhealthy reconciliation.

 

I really wish you the best.

[SidLyon]

Yes he did have more after the initial D-Day, the most recent being just a month ago. He is now saying that he never slept with any of his. That they were all emotional, dirty talk, kissing, groping (I'm not sure I believe him) but that mine is so much worse:(

 

I have seen him when he comes to get the kids but he continues to berate me and make me feel like I am a really awful person and I already feel so bad and so much remorse. I feel like I am carrying the burden of his A's and my own and it is starting to take a toll on me mentally and emotionally. I feel so lost right now. I don't know why but I really love my H, he is my lover, my best friend, the father of our kids. I can barely make it through my days right now, but am trying.

 

Thank you to all for your posts back to me and the support and wonderful words.

 

Thank you Spark your post brought tears to my eyes.

 

FindingNemo yes I am afraid this is my H's character he seems very sociopathic right now and it is killing me.

 

Thank you for your support LS it is a godsend to me.

 

Thanks for replying LD. I feel so very sad for you right now; it seems so unfair.

 

I guess it means that during your reconciliation and his "remorse" he managed to hide from you that he was still involved with other women.

 

I wonder how he managed to get away with it and why he was even bothering. So sorry.

[soserious1]

I am soooooo proud of you.

 

I know how fearful you were to tell him, hopeful he would change.

 

Yet, he did not. How sad, mostly for him.

 

You always struck me as such a kind-hearted and....innocent lady!

 

You regretted your affair quickly and hoped so hard for your marriage to work out; for him to change and truly appreciate you.

 

I am sorry he views your one RA, with a not-so-great guy who showed you a lot of attention, as soooo much more of a transgression than his numerous ones. Pretty arrogant, dontcha think? Or at least, very self-entitled.

 

I am so happy you are in therapy. I wish only the best for you!

 

Sorry but "nice ladies" don't step out on their husbands. As for the rest the old saying tells us that birds of a feather flock together, a cheating, lying wife ends up with a cheating lying husband? Sounds like a perfect match to me.

 

OP, a cautionary note here, while you disclosing was a great thing & getting IC for yourself even greater, don't make the mistake of focusing on your husband's behaviors during your self-examination.

 

The only question facing you should be: why did I decide to cheat instead of taking other, more honorable steps to either repair or end my marriage? Why didn't YOU honor the wedding vows you took?

 

I sense a lot of potential for blame shifting in this thread & several already all too eager to enable you in minimizing your actions due to your husband's behaviors. As deplorable as his actions have been.. going down that road won't help YOU to fix what's broken inside of you.

Edited May 4, 2012 by soserious1

[BetrayedH]

Sorry but "nice ladies" don't step out on their husbands. As for the rest the old saying tells us that birds of a feather flock together, a cheating, lying wife ends up with a cheating lying husband? Sounds like a perfect match to me.

 

OP, a cautionary note here, while you disclosing was a great thing & getting IC for yourself even greater, don't make the mistake of focusing on your husband's behaviors during your self-examination.

 

The only question facing you should be: why did I decide to cheat instead of taking other, more honorable steps to either repair or end my marriage? Why didn't YOU honor the wedding vows you took?

 

I sense a lot of potential for blame shifting in this thread & several already all too eager to enable you in minimizing your actions due to your husband's behaviors. As deplorable as his actions have been.. going down that road won't help YOU to fix what's broken inside of you.

 

Sometimes there was nothing broken in the BS until the cheating spouse broke it. Sometimes the blame can rest squarely where it lies. I suspect the OP never would have gone outside of her marriage until her H dropped a freakin' nuke on it.

 

Regret on the part of the OP for her decision and how it impacts herslef and chance of R is another matter entirely.

[KathyM]

Good for you for having the courage to do the right thing and disclose the truth. A marriage that harbors lies can never be a healthy one. In the end, your honesty took you out of a bad, unhealthy situation--a marriage that was based on deception and betrayal. Maybe you didn't have the strength to leave a serial cheater, but now that decision has been made for you, and you can be released from a bad situation and start living your life in a way that is emotionally healthy for you. Now you have an opportunity to rebuild your life with integrity with someone you can trust. You deserve to have someone you can trust. He was not that kind of a man.

[ladydesigner]

Sorry but "nice ladies" don't step out on their husbands. As for the rest the old saying tells us that birds of a feather flock together, a cheating, lying wife ends up with a cheating lying husband? Sounds like a perfect match to me.

 

OP, a cautionary note here, while you disclosing was a great thing & getting IC for yourself even greater, don't make the mistake of focusing on your husband's behaviors during your self-examination.

 

The only question facing you should be: why did I decide to cheat instead of taking other, more honorable steps to either repair or end my marriage? Why didn't YOU honor the wedding vows you took?

 

I sense a lot of potential for blame shifting in this thread & several already all too eager to enable you in minimizing your actions due to your husband's behaviors. As deplorable as his actions have been.. going down that road won't help YOU to fix what's broken inside of you.

 

No blame shifting here. I own everything I did, and trust me the questions in bold I ask and ponder every single day. I work on it in therapy and I have never repeated any of this kind of behavior nor did I behave in this manner before my A.

 

I actually have not been focusing on my H's behaviors. I currently have been feeling great remorse and feel bad for the pain that he is in. My H did not show me that when his A's were exposed.

[The Blue Knight]

Yes he did have more after the initial D-Day, the most recent being just a month ago. He is now saying that he never slept with any of his. That they were all emotional, dirty talk, kissing, groping (I'm not sure I believe him) but that mine is so much worse:(

I have seen him when he comes to get the kids but he continues to berate me and make me feel like I am a really awful person and I already feel so bad and so much remorse. I feel like I am carrying the burden of his A's and my own and it is starting to take a toll on me mentally and emotionally. I feel so lost right now. I don't know why but I really love my H, he is my lover, my best friend, the father of our kids. I can barely make it through my days right now, but am trying.

 

I also came to LS after your original posting LD and for what it's worth, your husband has to make "your affair" sound far worse than anything he ever did because in some ways, you one-upped him with the RA and he likely never saw that coming.

 

I don't have the full picture yet, but your husband sounds rather abusive, entitlement-minded, and somewhat narcissistic to me. We all choose who we will love and that is certainly your right in the case of your husband. Are you sure your emotional need for him isn't a response because he simply feels familiar / safe to you and you don't want to lose that? In other words, it could be due to your own codependency?

[ladydesigner]

I also came to LS after your original posting LD and for what it's worth, your husband has to make "your affair" sound far worse than anything he ever did because in some ways, you one-upped him with the RA and he likely never saw that coming.

 

I don't have the full picture yet, but your husband sounds rather abusive, entitlement-minded, and somewhat narcissistic to me. We all choose who we will love and that is certainly your right in the case of your husband. Are you sure your emotional need for him isn't a response because he simply feels familiar / safe to you and you don't want to lose that? In other words, it could be due to your own codependency?

 

He is starting to ramp up and his anger is escalating with texts and calls and I am starting to worry. I do feel I struggle with codependency it is something I will need to bring up in therapy. Thank you!