waiting4u Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 Why is it that whenever a relationship doesn't work out for me, I find myself contacting old boyfriends? Does anyone else have a tendency to do this? I mean, these relationships didn't work out in the past, why is it that I believe they would now? There's one guy in particular that I just met at a bad time in my life and made a series of stupid moves that caused it to end. We had an argument, I ended it via text (it was a short-term thing - 3 months or something), and I've always wished I had a second chance. Today I friended him on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he won't accept. He must think I'm completely desperate. What is my damage? I ended my most recent thing a couple days ago because he just wasn't the right one. I think I had good reasons for ending it (he was a liar and didn't respect my boundaries), but part of it was that I wanted space. I'm quite independent and pretty assured that I don't need or even particularly want a boyfriend (they seem to be more trouble than they are worth). So why would I want to re-visit the past? Maybe I'm just doing it because I'm a bit down over the transition to being single again? wtf?
EasyHeart Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 Backsliding!!! Everyone does it. And everyone regrets it. 1
january2011 Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 Everyone does it. Nope, never done this. Only ex I'm touch with is my LTR ex (10+ year relationship plus financial ties). But once those financial ties are cut, I am outta there. Look forward, not back. NC all the way! *waves flag*
Author waiting4u Posted May 2, 2012 Author Posted May 2, 2012 Nope, never done this. Only ex I'm touch with is my LTR ex (10+ year relationship plus financial ties). But once those financial ties are cut, I am outta there. Look forward, not back. NC all the way! *waves flag* This isn't me. I hate ugly breakups. If you can't be friends then at least end it on good terms. They may be a good friend down the line, once you both have gotten over your feelings for each other. Just my opinion. A period of limited contact is definitely a good idea - you have to give each other space, but strict no contact can be cruel in some cases - particularly if you are the dumper and going NC.
Author waiting4u Posted May 2, 2012 Author Posted May 2, 2012 Because you have issues being alone? No, I really don't think I do. That's the strange thing. It's like I broke up with the current guy because I really really wanted to be alone. Maybe it's just a whiplash effect? I'm lonely because I'm used to someone being there? I've been in a place where I had trouble being alone and I've worked my butt of to become an autonomous person who doesn't lose myself in relationships or even really need a relationship. I firmly believe that's who I am. Makes no sense to me.
january2011 Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 I've never understood people who insist on being friends. I understand even less people who keep their exes around and socialise with them like it's their own personal harem or royal court. From what I've seen it usually leads to messy friendships and love lives. Life is hard enough as it is without trying to keep exes around to make things complicated for any new person who comes into your life. What's cruel is trying to keep someone in your life who doesn't want to be there and to manipulate them into doing it by claiming that it's the adult thing to do. In my opinion, breakups very rarely ever end on good terms. It's an illusion and a delusion.
Warrior Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 I've never understood people who insist on being friends. I understand even less people who keep their exes around and socialise with them like it's their own personal harem or royal court. From what I've seen it usually leads to messy friendships and love lives. Life is hard enough as it is without trying to keep exes around to make things complicated for any new person who comes into your life. What's cruel is trying to keep someone in your life who doesn't want to be there and to manipulate them into doing it by claiming that it's the adult thing to do. In my opinion, breakups very rarely ever end on good terms. It's an illusion and a delusion. I dated a girl few years back, we broke up because it was long distance, now we are very good friends. Ones you don't meet very often. There is nothing to be afraid if that person saw you naked. Wake up. OPEN your mind, when you manage to do that world is a better place.
Author waiting4u Posted May 2, 2012 Author Posted May 2, 2012 I've never understood people who insist on being friends. I understand even less people who keep their exes around and socialise with them like it's their own personal harem or royal court. From what I've seen it usually leads to messy friendships and love lives. Life is hard enough as it is without trying to keep exes around to make things complicated for any new person who comes into your life. What's cruel is trying to keep someone in your life who doesn't want to be there and to manipulate them into doing it by claiming that it's the adult thing to do. In my opinion, breakups very rarely ever end on good terms. It's an illusion and a delusion. It sounds like you've had some tough times January, and I'm sorry for that. All I'm saying is that when I break up with someone, I like to make sure we part on friendly terms because I feel it's the right thing to do ethically. It usually makes it easier to deal with mutual friends as well. I've experienced angry vengeful exes who made my life a living hell and I don't want to go through that again. I don't like conflict. If someone chooses to be in your life or not, that's their option. I certainly don't advocate hanging out or being bff's with all your exes, especially if your intent is to have a "harem." My point was just that parting on friendly terms is important in order to avoid nightmarish stalkers, etc. and the mess that comes with angry, emotional people who don't have closure. It also seems rather humane, generally. If you are going to hurt someone - you don't need to also tell them to f**k off and die and then never speak to them again. That's a bit much. But perhaps we can agree to disagree on this one.
january2011 Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 I dated a girl few years back, we broke up because it was long distance, now we are very good friends. Ones you don't meet very often. There is nothing to be afraid if that person saw you naked. Wake up. OPEN your mind, when you manage to do that world is a better place. Er okay. No thanks, but I appreciate the effort. We just have different viewpoints on behaviour after breakups.
january2011 Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 (edited) All I'm saying is that when I break up with someone, I like to make sure we part on friendly terms because I feel it's the right thing to do ethically. No, I agree wholeheartedly with this. I just don't agree about using it as a set up to be mutual friends down the line. I see that as disingenuous and I have enough friends, don't need to populate the pool with exes. So many people to meet in the world. And I don't like to hold onto people when we've both grown apart. Better to set people free and let them live their lives rather than interfering with them down the line with a 'surprise' phone call out of the blue. Edit: Has nothing to do with being bitter either. I just don't believe in holding onto people. Edited May 2, 2012 by january2011 2
Philosoraptor Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 I think most have thoughts about taking that step back but not everyone puts themselves through it. I know I had some thoughts but quickly realized I was terribly unhappy there and no amount of familiarity would be worth setting myself back. In times of great emotion we need to learn to rely on logic to guide us. Not "what would feel best right now" but "what is the best choice for me?".
Emilia Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 Maybe I'm just doing it because I'm a bit down over the transition to being single again? wtf? To me it's sometimes about sex, sometimes about something unresolved.
firehawk_1 Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 its so you can hurt them because you get let down. infact it maybe your own fault for making the situation and not actually making an effort to be with a guy but instead play games.
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