mybubbleburst Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 (edited) My husband and I have been married for 18 years. I found out 3 years ago that he was cheating on me with the same woman for about 2 years. I have been struggling and dealing with this for the last year. We have a 22 son, 18 son, 18 daughter and a 10 son. My husband is bi-polar and has pretty much been a stay at home Dad for all of our relationship. I supported all of us while going to RN school part-time and working sometimes 2 jobs at a time. I felt like i was there for my kids, going to all the school functions and games. I have a weight problem that has gotten worse and worse over the years of self neglect. My husband was married when we met and he lied about that. He was unfaithful to her with many women. They were married young, she was in 10th or 11th grade and he was graduated. His family blamed me for everything. She ended up leaving him and losing custody of their(our) oldest 2 sons. I have raised them from ages 4 and 1 years old. She committed suicide in 1995 after getting involved with another guy and drugs. I was very yound and resentful for all of our marriage. I felt like I deserved a better easier life. I always felt like he was with me because I could support us and not because he really loved me. I felt trapped and afraid. He would get so angry sometimes and I was determined to give it back to him. We had screaming matches in front of our kids :-( I was focused on the fact if only we had more money everything would be better. I loved him so much and felt like we were soulmates and this is what we had to endure to be happy "someday". My husband is a soccer coach and she was a soccer mom and a army wife. He husband was deployed and she was lonely. She began pursuing my husband relentessly. She gave him all the attention that I wasnt and she told him she had a vaginal piercing and the rest is history. All the times he was going on school field trips and stuff they were together WITH MY SON. She has 4 kids under the age of 12 and never worked a day in her life. She ended up divorcing her husband so she could marry mine. My husband conned me into signing a legal seperation paper so that we could get DHS to pay for our son to have dental work that he very much needed, that we would never of been able to afford. I was stupid and blind. We have officially seperated, but he moved downstairs for a while. I feel like he is not sorry for what he did and that he should be doing everything to "make it up to me". I ended up having a brief affair with a ex husband of a now ex friend of mine, mostly to get back at my husband. I had weight loss surgery and I am looking better and better everyday. I know what my brain says to do, but my heart says something totally different! I dont want to move or change life for my 10 year old son. My 18 year old graduate in 22 days. I am torn Btw, we are in couples counseling and he has gotten better but i am so afraid to look around and find him still with her. Also I beat her up at the soccer field already right after i found out, and yes he went back to her. I am humilated and i want her to pay for all the pain she has caused me and my kids! Its lucky for her that I have a professionall license to protect Oh btw also he was also texting and sending pictures and being inappropriate with at least 10 other women the whole time he was messing with her, I worked at night and apparently he spent all this time texting. He would drop off our son at school and go to her house while i was sleeping at ours after working all night at the hospital. Edited May 2, 2012 by mybubbleburst
TigerCub Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 Hi mbb I'm so sorry to hear about all you've been through. I know you're asking how to forgive and forget - honestly, considering the amount of people he's cheated on you with, AND, considering the fact that he cheated on his 1st wife - maybe you shouldn't forget. If you do, you'll always be surprised when you discover that's he's cheated again. This man is NEVER going to change. And its not about "once a cheater, always a cheater", but its about how often he's done this, and how he doesn't feel any regret, and how he actually "conned" you into separating. If you want to still stay with him, for whatever reason, you need to accept that this is how this man operates, and stop expecting anything better. You will not get anything better with this man. I'm sorry, I don't mean to add to your pain, but you need to see him for what he is. I am genuinely sorry for your pain.
findingnemo Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 You beat the OW up? And didn't get arrested? Good for you!!! But seriously, how many women will you assault? At some point, you'll just give up. The problem isn't that the OW pursued your man, it's that he has a huge sign on his forehead screaming "I'm available". From what you say, he seems like a flirt, a charmer who will do whatever he has to do to get into a woman's panties. I'm sorry to tell you that your H is a serial cheater. The worst thing is that he has no problem with you doing all the work be it a regular job, taking care of his kids, financially supporting him, dealing with his family's negativity towards you...and with all that he takes you for granted. It's not just his cheating you need to overcome and forgive...it's the other ways he disrespects you too. He is like a big baby boy who looks up to his mummy, expects her to handle all the big issues but believes he deserves to have some fun on the side. The more women, the merrier. Do you feel you can forgive and forget all that? Maybe he has his good sides and isn't bad all the time. Maybe you feel like you don't want to lose 18 years of M. Can you please explain to me if leaving him is an option for you? And why not, if it isn't. I think that would help posters give you advice on how to proceed.
Author mybubbleburst Posted May 2, 2012 Author Posted May 2, 2012 Everything each of you has said is true and I know it. I think my self esteem is so bad that I know what the truth is but feel like maybe I cant do better? I am afraid to be alone I think. I am afraid that even though he does that I always have someone. Every minute since my surgery I feel myself getting stronger. I think one of my obstacles is that my 18 year old son and daughter are graduating in 23 days and I think I might be hanging on until they do? I know that I will be able to support myself, but I am scared. I do love him but I think his playing days are over with me. My mother was married 4 times and I promised myself I would only be married once...maybe I feel like I am letting myself down?
TigerCub Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 In the end this is obviously up to you. It sounds like you do have some worries based on your mom's path in life, and of course, having 4 kids to worry about adds to it - even if they are grown up, they will be affected, and you do share a history with this man and love him. Whatever you choose to do will not be easy, but maybe if you try some individual therapy and try to really delve into what you want and what is holding you back, it might help you to find a solution that will bring you happiness and peace. 1
YellowShark Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 (edited) 1) I found out 3 years ago that he was cheating on me with the same woman for about 2 years. 2) My husband is bi-polar 3) ..and has pretty much been a stay at home Dad for all of our relationship. 4) My husband was married when we met and he lied about that. 5) He was unfaithful to her with many women. 6) I always felt like he was with me because I could support us and not because he really loved me. 7) He would get so angry sometimes... 8) My husband conned me into signing a legal seperation paper... 9) I feel like he is not sorry for what he did... 10) ...and yes he went back to her. 11) ...he was also texting and sending pictures and being inappropriate with at least 10 other women 12) ...He would drop off our son at school and go to her house while i was sleeping at ours after working all night at the hospital. 13) I supported all of us while going to RN school part-time and working sometimes 2 jobs at a time. And your question is what? Seriously. Look at that laundry list of crap your husband has done mybubbleburst. Then add all the crazy crap you have done to try to "get back at him." Wow. You have been living in a "bi-polar emotional blender" for years. No wonder you are feeling crazy. Your poor kids. Seek a therapists advice ASAP. One on one. I assure you things will not improve until you make some drastic changes in your life. Good luck. Edited May 2, 2012 by YellowShark
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