Radu Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 If you are not a WS, pls don't answer to this one. Title says it all so here's the list : - what were your devious devious ways of keeping it hidden - why did they work for you - how did you get found out Pls BS, i know it can hurt, but i just want to see WS write to this one and as honest as possible.
Stephanie Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 We will be watching this thread closely for off topic discussions. All responses should be directed specifically at answering the questions in the original post per the community guidelines.
CarrieT Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 I had an EA and stopped just short of going physical with it when I told my then-BF who had no clue. It was easy to hide because he didn't look for the signs: I was emailing from a separate account.If I was going out, I wouldn't lie about where I was going - but I would omit with whom I was with (easy to bring home leftovers from a restaurant I said I was at...)I continued to have sex and never let on that I wasn't unhappy in the relationship until D-Day. In retrospect, I am ashamed at how far I let it go. As said, I was literally going to a hotel with the other man when I stopped myself and went home and told my BF how far I had gotten in the deception. I had prided myself on never lying outright and when asked, I confessed all. 3
stillwater Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 (edited) I wasn't WH, but I figure WLTBF (long term bf) is close enough... I wouldn't say I was particularly devious. Honestly I thought it was all pretty obvious because I really wasn't making heroic efforts to cover myself up or anything -- no separate phone, or email, or facebook, or any of that. We saw each other just about every day, but it was usually a long "lunch" in the middle of the day so there was no mysterious absence to explain. If we saw each other at night, I just said I was going out with friends, but that was no more than a handful of times. We spent a couple weekends away, I said I was visiting old friends in another state (which I did actually do, but I didn't stay with them as I had claimed). We almost never talked on the phone. My gf and I had been going through a rough patch for a few months before and hadn't been having much sex anyway, so my lack of interest wasn't really a sign. The most obvious sign was texting, but I deleted the "bad" ones. I still never let my phone out of my sight though, which she did notice. A major change with my work situation coincided with the start of the A, so that made some things look less suspicious I guess. The main reason it worked for me, as sad/hard as it is to say now, is because she completely trusted me. She never found out, I mean she knew something was going on but never suspected it was physical. After 3 months of it, we broke up and I told her. Edited May 2, 2012 by stillwater
confusedinkansas Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 Kept it hidden because my husband was into his own thing at the time & couldn't have cared less what I was doing or who I was hanging out with. He also traveled a lot at that time. He knew that I had a 'new' friend & that it was a man. But at that time I had a lot of male friends. He knew I was hanging out with him while he was out of town. He even knew his name, his situation (his wife was having an affair at the time) Hubby never baulked at the idea or questioned any further (as I said -he was into his own life at that time - he may have suspected but choose the "Blinders" route) Got found out - XAP was excellent at hacking into computers. He hacked into my email address & sent some emails to my husband - Some from he & I and some from other guy friends (nothing incriminating in those though) don't ask me why I still don't know. Hubby confronted me - I admited to the A. Fast forward 1 yr.......the XAP & I did start things up again - off & on over the course of about 3 years. - It's now been 3 years since I've seen him. happily.
confusedinkansas Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 BTW- I did nothing to hide it. We went to public places all the time, even bumped into mutual friends.
Radagast Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 If you are not a WS, pls don't answer to this one. Title says it all so here's the list : - what were your devious devious ways of keeping it hidden - why did they work for you - how did you get found out Deviousness wasn't required. We lived largely separate lives. She would leave notes for me to water the plants or put out the garbage or that she wanted the bedside table from my bedroom for the guest room and I should find another, and if I needed to pass information on to her I'd ask one of the kids. Meeting someone, and falling in love, did not seem the sort of thing to relay through a note on the kitchen table or a message via the kids. I've always kept my phone and my computer secured with passwords. Given the lack of marital sex I had on occasion downloaded x-rated material and I did not want the kids coming across that accidentally. So there was no need for any added security. I spent all the hours god sends working usually so sitting on my laptop with the kids while they were watching TV or playing video games was "normal", even though I was chatting and not working. And long late night calls and video sex is easy when you have your own bedroom. I made no effort to keep it hidden. I introduced my lover to my friends and my family and also told my kids about her. It worked because she had no interest in what I was up to. Nor, to be honest, did I have in what she was up to. It could probably have continued that way for a long time had I not pulled the plug on the marriage. I think if there is still some closeness in the marriage and if the spouse is still interested it must be a lot harder. But then I suppose it would be a lot less likely that you would want to have an affair in the first place.
Author Radu Posted May 2, 2012 Author Posted May 2, 2012 Radagast, in your case she was ok with this roommates situation ? Did she have someone as well ?
MoneyWorld Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 If you are not a WS, pls don't answer to this one. Title says it all so here's the list : - what were your devious devious ways of keeping it hidden - why did they work for you - how did you get found out Pls BS, i know it can hurt, but i just want to see WS write to this one and as honest as possible. Didn't try to keep it hidden, went out in public quite a bit, traveled across the country with her to visit my family and I to hers, introduced her to my friends and she introduced me to hers. The affair lasted about a year. We never got found out by my ex (or if she did know she didn't mention it or didn't care) or by her husband. We ended up getting married after we each divorced our spouses and have been together now (happily) for almost 20 years.
findingnemo Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 My xMM kept our A hidden by: 1) introducing me to his close friends and family who then invited me for events and holidays (the W doesn't get along with them and shunned almost all group activities). 2) we almost never spent the night together in his city. Always met in either mine or arranged to travel to some other place. 3) no text messaging except for work related stuff 4) his email account was work-related and therefore inaccessible to her 5) called me from his car as he drove places; hardly talked to me when home but called almost every morning and evening. 6) told me he kept his W updated about our business arrangements or news about me and my family; so I guess she was aware we were friends of sort. 7) never refused to pick up my calls when around her and acted very normal in the few instances I called at the wrong time even putting me on speaker phone. I do think though that the main factor that helped keep the A secret were his friends and family. It seemed such an open R in many ways that no wonder i thought he would leave her (he said he would never do so). I still don't understand why when his W seems like an okay person. So she was the only one not privy to the secret...and while I suspect she knew something, he maintained she didn't.
SoMovinOn Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 I'll tell you some of what my OW does... - She is always where she says she will be (although, her H doesn't know she is with me some of those times) - nothing incriminating on her computers, cell phone, anything that would leave tracks (that communication is all done while she's at work) - the three of us "hang out" together (me, her and her H), so my presence, or a phone call from me, or anything else, isn't an automatic red flag - no changes! ... she is sure she does nothing different at home - no new clothes, perfume ... any of the many changes listed as red flags.
Radagast Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 Radagast, in your case she was ok with this roommates situation ? Did she have someone as well ? She was OK with it. I wasn't. Hence the A. Did she have someone, I often suspected. She denied. I'll never know.
nofool4u Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 If you are not a WS, pls don't answer to this one. Well I will tell you what my x-wife did - what were your devious devious ways of keeping it hidden Using her mother and step father as a cover, and they did cover for her, when she would stay out late at their place, but leave with another guy for hours on end. - why did they work for you Because alot of us BS blindly trusted, and like my situation, thought we were being great spouses by supporting time to unwind with "friends" - how did you get found out x-wife stupidly would talk about particular guys, but talk bad about them. Eventually I found it odd that she likes to bring up guys out of the blue, whether it was badmouthing them or not. So I finally put 2 and 2 together and drove over to her mother's house, with kids in tow, where she was suppose to be and found out, gee, she wasn't there. You should have seen the look on her mother's face. She didn't think I'd venture out with the kids to find out where my wife was.
Author Radu Posted May 6, 2012 Author Posted May 6, 2012 Thanks for the post nofool4u and point taken ... BS's should post too, wish i could edit my OP. PS: Sorry about how you found out ... your MIL was a total bitch.
Got it Posted May 6, 2012 Posted May 6, 2012 If you are not a WS, pls don't answer to this one. Title says it all so here's the list : - what were your devious devious ways of keeping it hidden - why did they work for you - how did you get found out Pls BS, i know it can hurt, but i just want to see WS write to this one and as honest as possible. I did little to hide anything due to time overlap and leading separate lives. My dMM did not hide much, didn't limit phone calls, emails, trips, etc. Like Ragadast said, when leading separate lives there is little need to hide things.
nofool4u Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 Thanks for the post nofool4u and point taken ... BS's should post too, wish i could edit my OP. PS: Sorry about how you found out ... your MIL was a total bitch. And the MIL wonders why I care not to speak to her. After all she has done she wants to be friends with me. I told my X to tell her I'm not interested.
Author Radu Posted May 8, 2012 Author Posted May 8, 2012 And the MIL wonders why I care not to speak to her. After all she has done she wants to be friends with me. I told my X to tell her I'm not interested. I think she wanted that to feel like less of a heartless bitch. After all of that, yet ... another ... thing. Bump and pls more posts.
Recommended Posts