Most Common Online Dating Mistakes you See?

[RiverRunning]

A guy messaged me on OKCupid the other day. I'm accustomed to seeing some people who are socially awkward or inept but this guy was...well, intriguing.

 

He started chatting with me and within about 10 minutes had referred to his overweight ex-girlfriend as a "heifer." I'm not saying you should be aglow about your ex (you shouldn't), but don't trash her, especially over her looks, when you're dating a new prospect. As soon as he said that, my immediate thoughts were, "So he'll probably be making pejorative comments about my weight during and after a relationship."

 

The guy had a very clear "I am insecure and I am desperate to come off as macho" air. He told me he's 5'8" and weighs about 115 pounds. I told him I've NEVER had issues with a guy's size - I've dated men a few inches shorter than me and some much taller. I've been interested in very thin guys and very big ones.

 

But then he derailed into the 'booty calls' he's gotten from girls and then started talking about his sex life with his ex, explaining to me that she was his 'only' partner.

 

I don't get why the sex stuff is the first information people volunteer when they claim they're looking for a 'serious' relationship. I'd rather get to know the person I might someday be banging first. Or why they think I want to know about who they've banged.

 

"Don't ask, don't tell" can apply to a variety of things.

 

After that one conversation, I was done. The last thing I need is a guy who's so insecure that he's just going to prattle off about all the chances he's had to bang other women, and then to continually make comments about my weight because he's so insecure about being thin.

 

What kind of online dating mistakes have you seen others make?

[El Brujo]

What kind of online dating mistakes have you seen others make?

 

The biggest one is the mistake of trying OLD in the first place.

[january2011]

Off the top of my head:

 

• Textspeak and poor grammar/spelling throughout first message (the odd typo is fine)
  
• Not providing any evidence that they've read my profile
  
• Talking about sex in the first conversation
  
• Ignoring preferences stated in my profile
  
• Asking for pictures straightaway
  
• Sending numerous messages despite getting a "thanks, but no thanks"
  
• Being a jerk after a "thanks, but no thanks"
  
• Venting and complaining during the early conversations (especially about OLD and how they've had no luck)
  
• Getting names wrong
  
• Not being responsive enough or sending too many messages very early on
  
• Naked pictures on profile or sending me naked pictures
  
• Pushing for a meeting or to exchange contact details too early without getting to know me first > being too pushy in general
  
• Stalking behaviour
  

[persevere]

Mistake I've made. Meeting too soon, sometimes before even talking on the phone. This can be a setup for a free meal.

[Mme. Chaucer]

1. Establishing a false sense of intimacy before having a face to face meeting (unless it's impossible to avoid this because of geography).

 

2. Text speak and bad spelling / grammar.

 

3. Complaining about exes. Though if a person is inclined to do this, it's better if they go ahead with it. That gives their prospect a chance to know what kind of person they're dealing with.

 

4. Profiles and communication that express what a person would LIKE to be like, rather than what they ARE like; for example, people often describe themselves as "active" when what they really are is sedentary. They hope to be active … when they get a girl/boyfriend.

[dasein]

1. Lying in the profile about age, weight, old pictures, anything else.

 

2. Expecting OLD to be an instant "matchmaker." People who aren't proactive don't get good results generally.

 

3. Overestimating one's relative value in the dating market and only seeking top profiles when one doesn't have a top profile oneself.

 

4. Communicating back and forth too much before getting a phone number and setting a date.

[InJest]

Setting an expectation of finding a long term relationship or marriage. It happens, but it shouldn't be your expectation going into it.

[persevere]

An overall mistake many people make is, not being willing to give someone a chance. They may meet 90% of the given criteria, but are not perfect. They click on to the next and are in a constant "dream state". So many people are perpetually shopping, but not buying, on OLD.

[RiverRunning]

I generally go into OLD looking for FRIENDS. If after a while they pass that, maybe we'll date non-seriously, and from there. I have met guys, and I know this is probably odd, who are looking for something very serious and long-term, or even marriage, right away. Years ago I once chatted to a guy twice before he was -seriously- wanting to get married. I was floored! He was much, much older than I was, so that was probably part of it.

 

Once the ex chatter begins, and it's more than just, "I've been out of a relationship for two years," - and actually gets to details about their relationship, sex, or calling the poor girl a 'heifer' for God's sakes - I am out of there. No way, Jose! I was really glad he showed his true colors in the first conversation.

 

I once had a guy message me and then told me he was going out for a smoke break. He gave me his phone number and asked me to call him. Such a turn-off. I'm not from the backwoods and I do believe women can take the initiative in relationships, but from my experiences with doing so, it's usually because the guy wasn't interested enough to make the move on ME. It's a turn-off when a guy gives me his phone number and asks me to call him.

 

Lots of people overestimate their attractiveness. I've had guys twice my size shoot me down as being 'too big' for them. They're welcome to have their preferences, but in that case, I'd just prefer they not message me back rather than cut into me.

[RiverRunning]

An overall mistake many people make is, not being willing to give someone a chance. They may meet 90% of the given criteria, but are not perfect. They click on to the next and are in a constant "dream state". So many people are perpetually shopping, but not buying, on OLD.

 

 

I'll agree to this. People are too idealistic. You cannot have it all in any one person. If you find your beau doesn't like to shop, you'll have to invest in a friend who does. There's 'settling' and realizing someone meets most of your criteria and is a great person, and there's 'Well, they're horrible but this is the best I can do.' The former is not a bad thing.

 

I try to be open and receptive on profiles. But I do find in the past I've been TOO open, and there will be more than just a few minor red flags going off, but I ignore it and push on thinking that I'm just being overly harsh. There's a middle ground somewhere between tolerating everyone and everything and shooting down everyone for any one thing.

 

In the past, this guy who was dissing his ex, talking about his past sex life, etc. (I didn't solicit that!) and acting, well, a bit desperate - would've gotten a reluctant green light for me. I'm glad that I'm finally recognizing the -red flags- of crap that I would never want to deal with again.

[persevere]

Reading your OLD message, without actually ever looking at your profile. It just goes to show they are completely shallow and are basing everything on looks.

[Emilia]

1. Establishing a false sense of intimacy before having a face to face meeting (unless it's impossible to avoid this because of geography).

 

.

 

Agreed. I made this mistake, never again

[zengirl]

Off the top of my head:

 

• Textspeak and poor grammar/spelling throughout first message (the odd typo is fine)
  
• Not providing any evidence that they've read my profile
  
• Talking about sex in the first conversation
  
• Ignoring preferences stated in my profile
  
• Asking for pictures straightaway
  
• Sending numerous messages despite getting a "thanks, but no thanks"
  
• Being a jerk after a "thanks, but no thanks"
  
• Venting and complaining during the early conversations (especially about OLD and how they've had no luck)
  
• Getting names wrong
  
• Not being responsive enough or sending too many messages very early on
  
• Naked pictures on profile or sending me naked pictures
  
• Pushing for a meeting or to exchange contact details too early without getting to know me first > being too pushy in general
  
• Stalking behaviour
  

 

That's an almost comprehensive list. I'd add:

 

• sending first messages that are basically, "hi" or contain only physical compliments, like, "you're hot." Though those fall under not providing evidence they've read the profile.
  
• messaging someone when you're outside of their stated age range, saying you're young at heart or some B.S.
  
• Not sufficiently filling out your profile.
  
• Writing in your profile: (a) how embarrassing and lame OLD is, (b) how you don't know how to write your profile, etc. Basically anything that makes you look like you don't want to be there.
  
• Having a visible checklist of any length for what you're NOT looking for.
  
• Having too few pictures for anyone to tell what you look like, unless you actively state it's for privacy reasons and set some as private until you see a prospect.
  
• Misrepresenting what you want.
  

[joystickd]

Men and women gravitating to the same people. Men devoting time to attention whores. YOu know the ones with a bunch of pics that border being in playboy

[persevere]

Agreed. I made this mistake, never again

 

(Establishing a false sense of intimacy)

 

Ditto. I made this mistake earlier in the year. We had a great banter going on for a good two weeks, before we actually met. Texting constantly, calling every few days. I really felt I was beginning to know her and there was genuine interest. When we finally met, it was entirely different.

 

I felt I was in a job interview, getting barbed with direct questions. The only thing missing was a clip board. It was an entirely different mood from what we had been doing the prior two weeks. I was dismayed. Aterwards, she told me we could "be friends", but there was no attraction. I had a recent pic on my OLD page, so not sure what what that was about. Also, it was our first date and I was thrown off, never able to really relax and be myself. Honestly, I've been more relaxed in real 'panel' job interviews where I could be myself, yet was expecting it.

 

The same thing happened a few weeks ago, different woman. If it happens again, I am shutting that down. "What's with the direct questions? This is no way to let conversation flow. Relax"

Edited May 2, 2012 by persevere

[persevere]

Men and women gravitating to the same people. Men devoting time to attention whores. YOu know the ones with a bunch of pics that border being in playboy

 

Yeah. 25 pics. Half of them of their pets. I get it. I saw what you looked like in the first few. You have a dog and 3 cats, but I am not here to date them.

[FitChick]

Establishing a false sense of intimacy before having a face to face meeting (unless it's impossible to avoid this because of geography).

 

It's not false intimacy. You can really connect with someone you've never met. You just have to avoid letting your imagination run away with you before you meet. What annoys me is when I have spent weeks talking and emailing before a guy admits that he never intends to meet me either because he can't emotionally handle an LDR or he can't afford it. But he still wants to carry on as we are. I try to weed those guys out early on.

[january2011]

That's an almost comprehensive list. I'd add:

 

• sending first messages that are basically, "hi" or contain only physical compliments, like, "you're hot." Though those fall under not providing evidence they've read the profile.
  
• messaging someone when you're outside of their stated age range, saying you're young at heart or some B.S.
  
• Not sufficiently filling out your profile.
  
• Writing in your profile: (a) how embarrassing and lame OLD is, (b) how you don't know how to write your profile, etc. Basically anything that makes you look like you don't want to be there.
  
• Having a visible checklist of any length for what you're NOT looking for.
  
• Having too few pictures for anyone to tell what you look like, unless you actively state it's for privacy reasons and set some as private until you see a prospect.
  
• Misrepresenting what you want.
  

 

How could I have forgotten these? Especially people who complain about OLD in their profile or in messages. You're there. Make the most of it. I don't see the point in putting anything negative in the profile. You're there to make a good impression, not to use it as a forum to vent about what you hate/dislike or to inspire pity/sympathy about how rubbish your life is. If your life is that rubbish, it's not going to inspire me or anyone else to want to be a part of it.

 

Thanks, Zengirl!

[curlygirl40]

Something I see a lot that always makes me cringe. When someone says 'I want to start living again' or 'my life has been hard but I'm ready to forget the past and move on' or anything of the sort.

 

It seems sad to me. At my age (40 ish) we've all been through a lot. Don't make it the other person's job to make you happy. And that's how it feels to me. Instead of hearing 'I want to start living again' I hear 'I want YOU to make me happy'. Seems negative although I completely get where they are coming from.

 

Also, some other things I see often that I think a profile could do without:

 

It's hard for me to write about myself

I like to go out, but I like to stay in

No games please

Many pictures of pets or vacations. I can see one or two

The picture that is SO OBVIOUSLY taken YEARS ago because you look 10 years younger or it's time stamped. I saw a picture the other day on a profile that I liked and I noticed the time stamp was from 2006!!! It's almost like people are saying 'this is what you COULD have had if you had met me sooner!!'

Tag line/profile name (not sure what it's called) with the number 69 in it or anything else inappropriate. I saw one guy on match called 'bootyrub' or something. No thank you

All caps

 

I'm sure I'll think of more. :-)

[Wesker]

Most common mistake I make is thinking I'll get a response. Even when my message is well worded, points out certain things in their profile, and not sound needy. The few people I've shown my profile too said that it looks great, and doesn't come off arrogant, or creepy.

[Million.to.1]

I guess we have to remember sometimes that OLD does open channels of communication with people we might not usually meet or be interested in Dating.

 

I get those macho buff body bulider types message me, saying this like mentioned in the first post, but I never met guys like that in real life because I'm not interested in that sort of lifestyle/ person.

 

I think one of the biggest mistakes is creating a "stock standard profile"

 

" I'm just a regular guy" - how exciting! "I like going out but i also like snuggling on the couch watching DVD's" ... I mean who doesn't? Yawn!!

[FitChick]

I like to go out, but I like to stay in

 

I absolutely hate that one! Is there a third choice? A variation is "I like eating out or in."

 

How about "I like chilling on the couch with a bottle of red wine, watching a DVD." Do you need a date to do that? I'm picturing a fat drunk taking a swig out of a bottle, watching porn.

 

"I'm easygoing and like most things." Uh, like what?

 

Men who claim they like to scuba dive, skydive, bungee jump, go kayaking, etc. Then when you ask how often they do those things, it's always "twenty years ago on holiday." What do they do now on a regular basis to keep fit?

[FitChick]

I just have to add one more:

 

"I love to laugh." Does anyone hate to laugh?

[zengirl]

"Easygoing" and "like to laugh" are the worst, Fitchick. Agree. I also hated when people said things like, "I like all kinds of music." I've yet to -- in my entire life -- meet anyone who liked all kinds of music AND it's a section that says "favorites" right there, dummy, not "things you can stand to have on and appreciate from an intellectual standpoint". Are you really saying you cannot isolate SOME kind of music you like BEST? (Same with films, food, etc.)

[persevere]

Rushing!! Don't even think for a minute, because you hit it off, there's anything there. Or, hurry into a second date, getting distraught when the communication is slow. I crashed and burned on this recently. Just back off and know there WILL be others, maybe many others. You just have to stand up and be the better person.