Verbal Abuse

[cat5]

Quick background:

Remarried for four years. We have an 11 month old son. Two daughters, ages 10 and 12 from a previous marriage. My wife stay home with our 11 month old. My wife is occasionally verbally abusive and short of leaving the situation what can I do to stop this behavior?

 

Normally everything is fine between us, although there is a constant undertow of hurt feelings that prevents us from being as close as we once were. What typically happens that causes things to break bad is that my wife will drink too much and become verbally abusive towards me. What she says to me varies, but the broad theme is always something negative about me having been divorced or about my kids from my prior marriage. This past weekend she said that my oldest daughter is going to end up fat and lazy like her mother. This child is 5’4” and 105lbs and has only made two B’s ever. This upset me.

 

Two days later I told my wife that I’m tired of her drinking too much and becoming verbally abusive. This angered her greatly. She had a real problem with me saying she was verbally abusive. She then said I was “psycho” and “that no one would ever want to be married to someone like me” . The irony is that she didn’t like being called verbally abusive and responded by being verbally abusive. Haha.

 

I’d guess that most people will suggest either leaving or getting counseling. I’m posting this b/c I’m looking for help that isn’t one of those two. I’d love to try counseling again, but she would never agree to it. We have been to 5 different marriage counselors and each time she refuses to go back after 4 or 5 sessions. The last one we went to she was asked to leave by the counselor for, you guessed it, being verbally abusive to me in counseling.

 

As far as leaving, I’d like to know I have tried everything before putting my kids through that.

 

A friend of mine likes to say that you teach people how to treat you. How do I demonstrate that this isn’t acceptable short of divorcing her?

[TigerCub]

You say that you'd like to try everything before putting your kids through (leaving this wife) - well she seems like she would be abusive towards them.

In the theme of looking out for your kids, you need to put them before her, and if she's a verbally abusive drunk that's already talking trash about your daughter - when are you going to draw a line in the sand?

 

Honestly, for something like this, therapy is the answer, but you don't think it would work.

 

I don't think it so much should be marriage counseling, but she needs AA.

 

I've also heard that people who deal with drunk partners, go to Al-anon meetings and that those are supposed to be a good source of support for people in your situation.

 

Honestly, I think that you need to put your kids first and subjecting them to the abuse of a drunk isn't the way.

 

You need to sit down and try to calmly tell her that the marriage will not survive as it is right now, and that if she wants to try for this marriage, she needs to go to AA, and that you will be going to Al-Anon meetings. Tell her that and see what happens.

 

Good luck

[SoMovinOn]

Unfortunately, there isn't a good answer other than counseling or leaving.

 

Her quitting drinking would be a good start, but, she obviously has issues which likely are the cause, or a big contributor, to her drinking. Unless and until she deals with those issues, nothing will change.

 

If you read up on abuse, you will find that in almost all cases, unless something is done to change it (i.e. the abuser gets counseling), it will only continue to get worse.

[stillafool]

It sounds like you are married to an alcoholic. Did she verbally abuse you in the first marriage? I hope you aren't the type who stands there and takes it because that will make it worse. Give it right back to her when she does it. To tell the truth you need to get her into AA. If you don't it's going to escalate because of the alcohol addiction.

[cat5]

Thanks for the insight!

 

One of our marriage counselors had suggested she get in AA, but that wasn't well received and we never went back. Well I did, but she refused to go.

 

Just to clarify, she has never been verbally abusive to either of my daughters. She may say hurtful things about them, but not to their face and not while they are home.

 

I have tried the giving it back to her, as someone suggested. It doesn't help. All it does is further escalate things. I don't like being a punching bag, but it's better than getting escalating things.

[stillafool]

Was she verbally abusive the first time you married her?

[serial muse]

Since you think she won't agree to marital counseling, I honestly think you should consider individual counseling for yourself. Please note that this does not mean that I think you're the problem here - the things she said to you are awful. And this isn't a good environment for your kids.

 

But, since you have also said you don't want to leave (at least not right now), I really do think it would help you to talk with someone neutral about what's going on, and to explore what some other options for you might be. Or at least dig into why you don't want to leave. (Is it because you've already been divorced once, and attach some stigma to divorcing a second time? You wouldn't be alone in that; but please, consider whether that's sufficient reason to subject yourself and your children to those kinds of comments from your wife!)

 

Just to explore a bit further...you mentioned that "there is a constant undertow of hurt feelings that prevents us from being as close as we once were" - by that, do you mean that she's for some reason hung up on your previous marriage? That seems strange; is this new, or has it been this way since you got together?

[TigerCub]

Thanks for the insight!

 

One of our marriage counselors had suggested she get in AA, but that wasn't well received and we never went back. Well I did, but she refused to go.

 

Just to clarify, she has never been verbally abusive to either of my daughters. She may say hurtful things about them, but not to their face and not while they are home.

 

I have tried the giving it back to her, as someone suggested. It doesn't help. All it does is further escalate things. I don't like being a punching bag, but it's better than getting escalating things.

 

I'm glad that she's not being abusive to them - but that's just how it is NOW - if she doesn't get her drinking or her abusive behavior under control you can't predict what she will be like in time.

If she's talking trash about them, its not that far a step to talk trash to them.

[cat5]

stillafool: I was married to someone else the first time. No my first wife wasn't verbally abusive if that's what you mean. In fact I sometimes laugh about the fact that I was married for twice as long and went through a divorce and my ex wife and I never said anything like these things to each other.

 

Serialmuse: I have seen a shrink on my own. I continued to see one of the counselors we started going to as a couple. I went weekly/biweekly for a year to 18 months. It did help. I no longer take things as personally as I once did. As far as why am I still married to her, I have an idea. For the most part things are ok. It's just ever now and again that this happens. Maybe once a month or so. It use to be that I would get over it a lot faster than I do now. But she was more apologetic then too. That and I have have grown weary of the behavior makes it more difficult to move on.

 

Trust me, if she were to ever say any of the things to my girls that would be the last straw. I would end this.

 

Part of the reason I have stayed is she holds custody of the kids over my head. Both of our son and my daughters. I have joint custody of my daughters, meaning I have them every other week. My current wife has threatened to align herself with my ex so I wouldn't have custody of them (not that I think that would work). She also threatens me that I will not have my son but every other weekend at best. Being a dad I can't help but feel the cards are already stack against me when it comes to custody especially versus a stay at home mom.

 

Also my wife threatens to ruin me financially if I were to leave. I own a small company and if she were to get half of what the company has made over the last few years it would cripple our operations to the point where I would be forced to layoff employees. She knows this and uses it as leverage against me.

[cat5]

serialmuse: Sorry I meant to respond to one of your questions. Yes she is very hung up on my previous marriage. She has a lot of retrograde jealousy. She's even jealous of some current things about my ex. For example shes jealous my ex has more kids than her. This is my current wife's first marriage and she also uses that against me. She'll say things like you are divorced, you must be the problem in our relationship. She'll say that she had a "perfect" relationship with her exbf, and said this for a long time up until someone told me that he had cheated on her several times. The next time she said they had a perfect relationship I asked if her if his cheating is part of what made it perfect, haha. She hasn't said that again.

 

About the undertow of of negative feelings.....You know how it is, probably. Once a relationship has gotten so bad it never really recovers. Even if the pain fades there is still the lack of trust. What i mean is not trusting that someone won't hurt you again. Perhaps eventually you learn to trust again, but with the abuse continuing occasionally how can someone get to the point of trusting that it has finally stopped?

 

I now cringe when i see her drink. I don't know if its going to be a two glass of wine night and she goes to bed early or a night when she drinks too much and the mouth comes out.

[SoMovinOn]

Part of the reason I have stayed is she holds custody of the kids over my head. Both of our son and my daughters. I have joint custody of my daughters, meaning I have them every other week. My current wife has threatened to align herself with my ex so I wouldn't have custody of them (not that I think that would work). She also threatens me that I will not have my son but every other weekend at best. Being a dad I can't help but feel the cards are already stack against me when it comes to custody especially versus a stay at home mom.

 

Also my wife threatens to ruin me financially if I were to leave. I own a small company and if she were to get half of what the company has made over the last few years it would cripple our operations to the point where I would be forced to layoff employees. She knows this and uses it as leverage against me.

 

If a large part of why you are staying is blackmail - have you talked to a lawyer to find out the reality of those threats? Are they viable threats? Are there ways you could protect yourself?

[serial muse]

serialmuse: Sorry I meant to respond to one of your questions. Yes she is very hung up on my previous marriage. She has a lot of retrograde jealousy. She's even jealous of some current things about my ex. For example shes jealous my ex has more kids than her. This is my current wife's first marriage and she also uses that against me. She'll say things like you are divorced, you must be the problem in our relationship. She'll say that she had a "perfect" relationship with her exbf, and said this for a long time up until someone told me that he had cheated on her several times. The next time she said they had a perfect relationship I asked if her if his cheating is part of what made it perfect, haha. She hasn't said that again.

 

About the undertow of of negative feelings.....You know how it is, probably. Once a relationship has gotten so bad it never really recovers. Even if the pain fades there is still the lack of trust. What i mean is not trusting that someone won't hurt you again. Perhaps eventually you learn to trust again, but with the abuse continuing occasionally how can someone get to the point of trusting that it has finally stopped?

 

I now cringe when i see her drink. I don't know if its going to be a two glass of wine night and she goes to bed early or a night when she drinks too much and the mouth comes out.

 

Wow, this is really rough, I'm sorry. I do indeed know what you mean about it getting harder and harder to trust as time goes on and repeated infractions build upon each other. And she is certainly not giving you reasons to rebuild that trust.

 

I second SoMovinOn's suggestion...maybe it's worth talking to a lawyer (if you haven't already) to see whether her threats have any real teeth...

[rlsw7072]

She's an abusive bully, and you're letting her get away with it. You should not remain in such a situation, and you certainly should not allow your child to endure such abuse. Two options: She must agree to counseling and seriously work on her personality issues as an abuser, OR you need to start plans to divorce her--speaking to a lawyer, etc. She will not change if she doesn't want to go to counseling, and you'll end up an old man regretting all the wasted years you had with her. I put up with a husband like this for 23 years, and finally ended up suffering major depression, anorexia, and bulimia before I had the strength to divorce him (upon both the advice of my pastor/counselor as well as my medical doctor).

 

Here's an article that talks about women abusing men, and it's a helpguide for all victims of emotional and physical abuse--lots of resources:

 

Helpguide for Domestic Violence Victims | Abusers and Bullies

[bigmomma1974]

I suggest a seperation period if she won't get help/ Also if she is verbally abusive and has a drinking problem. file for a seperation and temporary custody of your child. Your child doesn't need to be left in the care of her. Plus you have reports from counslers stating she needs AA and help with being verbally abusive. YOur children may not hear her say those horrible things but it is wrong and it will happen one day. I also suggest if you dont want a seperation, is when she starts being verbally abusive towards you, walk away, get your children ready and leave for awhile/ If that isn't an option just go to your bedroom or something. Her behavior will teach your child this type of abusive behavior if he is exposed to it for a long while. Lay down the law tell her if she doesnt\'t stop drinking and get help, you will take your children and leave because she is emotionally abusive. I would make sure i filed for temporary custody first, that way she can't stop you.. Good luck sounds like you really need it.