Broke NC last week-

[daisy088]

Several days ago, I ran into my ex (the dumper) for the first time in more than a week since we had broken up and gone NC at a friends birthday party.

 

The apartment was small so there was no way of avoiding him. I smiled and said hi even though I was panicking. He asked me how I was doing and how my trip was (I left town after we broke up to stay with my friend a few hours away in order to clear my head). He congratulated me on an award I had won (he must've been asking my friends about me bc I did not tell him this). He told me he was having a hard time and his friends had forced him out a few times. He then asked me if I wanted to talk in another room and I agreed. He held my hand and continually throughout the conversation leaned in almost as if to kiss me. To be honest, I thought at first he was willing/wanting to reconcile.

 

Both of us had been drinking and I made it clear quite fast that I didnt know what had happened between us and that I wanted him back (I know, I know). He told me that he never loved me the way that I loved him (something odd because he talked about me to everyone else ALL the time, we lived together+spent all our time together, he brought me into his life, and told me he loved me multiple times a day). He is moving away after graduating medical school in 2 weeks and I know he is very anxious about this. He told me that I was not the girl he wanted to marry and that he didn't want to hurt me again (I cant see myself with you in the future). I asked him about things he had said even the morning that he broke up with me about my being the girl he wanted to be with forever and he had no response but that they were said because we were laying in bed together. So he used me for a year? I got upset and asked why he used me. He said he hoped I wouldn't cut him out and that he would be able "to see what I had going on in my life." I was a little drunk and basically told him he might regret leaving me with time. He got rude and angry towards the end of the conversation and basically said "see ya never" and walked away (I probably will not see him again actually). I told him I was in love with him and he was the guy I wanted to be with forever earlier in the convo....

 

"I love and care about you, but im not IN love with you." + "i dont feel what you feel for me- about you"

 

Can this be true? For a year, he treated me better than I couldve dreamed (and I treated him amazingly), he talked about me to everyone, brought me home, bought me flowers, we spent every moment together happy, lived together. We were best friends, smiled, laughed, had good sex 24/7, etc. It was all just an act? Part of me just doesnt believe it. Is it GIGS (moving to another city, graduating med school, stress, young)? Im hurting and feeling so rejected and worthless. Learned lesson though: DO NOT BREAK NC- even if you feel ready!

Edited May 2, 2012 by daisy088

[Philosoraptor]

While I won't speculate on whether or not his feelings for you were as strong as your own, I will say that he doesn't seem to be interested in reconciling anymore. It looks like he mght have been caught where many dumpers are and that is wanting that familiarity back. He took your hand and kept leaning in, but didn't go further. It sounds to me like he may have intially wanted to give it a shot but then realized all of the reasons for his departure were still there and that it would have failed again as no changes were made.

[Chi townD]

Girl, when he asked if you two could go to another room to talk, you should have said," Nah, there's no need."

 

Well, now you know where you stand. I strongly recommend that you go NC and you stay there. This guy is gonna play games with you. ESPECIALLY when he's about ready to leave. Ignore texts, e-mails and phonecalls...post here instead.

 

Sorry this guy is being a douche rocket, but I'll be honest. We are not all like that.

[Fitz]

He's preparing himself for bachelorhood as a Doctor. So in that sense, it has nothing to do with you. And he probably was happy during his relationship with you. And it was good while it lasted. But now that he's almost a officially a Doctor, he's most definitely planning on using his new-found status to date and have sex with lots of impressionable women. Plain and simple truth.

 

Not to excuse his behavior, but being a Doctor is the closest he'll ever come to having celebrity powers or to being a rockstar. Medical school is tough, and he'll feel that he's earned it. He'll want to experience it- "sowing the wild oats" so to speak. And there's nothing you can do at this time to change his mind. Then when he's had his fill of women, he might settle down.

 

Sorry to be so negative, but your relationship with this man is over. He may come calling you, once he realizes that the fantasy doesn't taste as sweet as he thought it would. Maybe he won't. Either way, it's time for you to move on.

[daisy088]

You're probably right.

 

The odd thing is, is that we have known each other for several years and not to sound rude or arrogant- but I am much better looking, I attended a better college, and attend a great law school now. I am accomplished, loving, and fun. I guess I just don't understand how he could go from saying how lucky he is to have me (and all his friends agreeing how lucky he is) to this. Youre right though. I leave town very soon and am hoping to never see him again. Of course I hope he will regret his decision at some point down the line, especially because I cared and did a lot for him, but thats not in my control.

 

I am feeling better than I did 2 weeks ago and am re-resuming NC. Thanks for the encouragement.

PS anyone wondering Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More" has been an absolute blessing in my life these last few weeks.

[immitable]

He's preparing himself for bachelorhood as a Doctor. So in that sense, it has nothing to do with you. And he probably was happy during his relationship with you. And it was good while it lasted. But now that he's almost a officially a Doctor, he's most definitely planning on using his new-found status to date and have sex with lots of impressionable women. Plain and simple truth.

 

Not to excuse his behavior, but being a Doctor is the closest he'll ever come to having celebrity powers or to being a rockstar. Medical school is tough, and he'll feel that he's earned it. He'll want to experience it- "sowing the wild oats" so to speak. And there's nothing you can do at this time to change his mind. Then when he's had his fill of women, he might settle down.

 

Sorry to be so negative, but your relationship with this man is over. He may come calling you, once he realizes that the fantasy doesn't taste as sweet as he thought it would. Maybe he won't. Either way, it's time for you to move on.

 

I agree to what Fitz said.

 

While most women are going to think that he is an arrogant ass and thus not being attractive, bimbos might go for him. He'll realise what he had one he sees that there is no substance.

[Fitz]

You're probably right.

The odd thing is, is that we have known each other for several years and not to sound rude or arrogant- but I am much better looking, I attended a better college, and attend a great law school now. I am accomplished, loving, and fun. I guess I just don't understand how he could go from saying how lucky he is to have me (and all his friends agreeing how lucky he is) to this.

Well, he's probably feeling a little too sure of himself recently -now that he's almost a doctor officially. And the fact that you're attractive only validates his arrogance.

 

Of course I hope he will regret his decision at some point down the line, especially because I cared and did a lot for him, but thats not in my control.

He probably will to some degree. During his residency, he's not going to have tons of money just yet. And so he'll mostly attract sensible girls who want to settle down with a stable husband. In other words - even-keeled girls willing to stick it out with him a few years until he gets out of residency and starts making the big money. There may be a few one night stands, a few wild encounters etc. but most of these girls will be pragmatic and seek real commitment. It's not really going to be the "rock star groupie" fantasy. At least not during residency. Plus residency isn't easy! So his personal life will be suffocated more than he probably realizes.

Edited May 2, 2012 by Fitz