SomedayDig Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 Well, yesterday was 8 weeks out from Dday. I look forward to a day when I can stop counting. However, something pretty good happened last night. I got a little angry. Now, some of you know from all of my postings that I am a pretty low keyed kind of guy. I'm usually pretty good at keeping a level head and I've always tried to live by the Golden Rule. Last night, though, while my W and discussed a bit about her affair something just kind of snapped. It's not that she said anything wrong or acted inappropriate when we talked. It's just that all of a sudden she interrupted me while I was explaining something and that didn't sit well with me. At all. It was then, that I let things out. Now, let me explain how I get angry. It's not a yelling out loud kind of thing. My W described it simply as a very "intense way of talking". I told her that I was responsible for any issues that I caused from 2000 to 2007. But from March 2007 until March 2012 everything that was wrong with the marriage was squarely on HER shoulders. That if we had problems beginning the day after she met the xOM, that they were nothing but exacerbated issues that SHE caused and I was NOT going to be responsible for those 5 years of problems. I told her how because of her ego, need for attention and pure selfishness that we were in the place we are and that I in no way whatsoever was going to take ANY sort of blame for what she chose to do by having an affair. I pointed at her (something I've never done in a harsh way) and said, "YOU are to blame for the past 5 years". I told her how horrible it was that she complained to my Mom (who died in '09), her parents and her sister and our friends about MY shortcomings and how I wasn't attentive during the past years. I told her that was nothing but her f'ng ego covering her own ass to justify banging some guy instead of facing the real marital issues we had. Her reaction was spot on what I think it should have been. She sat there with her mouth shut and took all the garbage she had laid on me back. When I was finished, she waited a good 2 minutes before talking. She said that that was the first time she has ever been forced to truly...truly face her ego and what she had done. Don't get me wrong, she's been remorseful and has really worked hard to prove herself to me over the past 8 weeks (see other posts I've made about that). But last night she said it was the first time that she's ever honestly sensed her ego. That for once she was able to feel that ego and how bad it could be for her to allow it to control the ways that she deals with things. I woke up this morning feeling lighter than yesterday. I think it's time for a good day. 4
Radu Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 Very well said, i wish i could get angry like you ... unfortunately i just feel like going out and puching a tree untill i'm done with the anger.
Author SomedayDig Posted May 2, 2012 Author Posted May 2, 2012 Nothing wrong with punching something Radu...as long as it isn't a person. Just make sure it's a punching bag or a mattress or something OTHER than a tree. Wouldn't want to see you hurt your hand! As a matter of fact, I'm going to the sporting goods shop this week and buying a heavy bag to hang up and punch. In my opinion channeling anger IS okay if its done in a proper manner, and I think hitting the heavy bag is good for the soul. 2
Bryanp Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 Good for you. Have you made your wife be tested for STD's yet and you as well?
Soul_Lost Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 SD, you and I are very much alike when it comes to dealing with anger. You have actually hit this phase a little sooner than normal and that's a good thing. The frustrating part will always be trying to see it from their perspective and when you do, that's when you will get angry. I know I did. Even now, 3 years later I still get angry but I have learned how to process it. There is no cut and dry way to handle this. You can take advice but you still have to learn how to do it and process it in your own way. Once you achieve that, the sky is the limit. 1
Author SomedayDig Posted May 2, 2012 Author Posted May 2, 2012 She actually had an STD test in January which was before Dday and me knowing anything. She just went back on Monday for another test as she had been with the xOM one time since January. She did say that her doctor made a comment that she had just had a run-up done in January, so my W had to admit the affair to her and the reason why another test was wanted. She said the doctor asked how we were doing and told my W that she was lucky to have someone like me who would be willing to try to work things out and wished her the best. I don't know how long it takes to get test results back, but she had everything run. As a side note, I got a text from one of our friends that the xOM and his BS are heading for D. He said the BS was angry that xOM didn't even come close to telling her the truth about the affair. She never knew that he banged my wife in their house in their spare room and basement...never knew that he asked my W to go away with him for a weekend a couple times. I guess he just outright lied about everything. Well, he is a lawyer... (I know, I know ~ that was a cheap shot. So sue me )
Author SomedayDig Posted May 2, 2012 Author Posted May 2, 2012 SL...one of the most difficult things to do in all of this was to set MY ego aside and attempt to really listen to what she was saying when describing her feelings when the affair first began and what she did to continue it. Day by day by day for me. I'm looking at the road ahead and although I cannot deny what's in the rear view mirror, there's no turning back now. If I can't drive my car straight ahead by looking in the rear view, why live my life that way?
Soul_Lost Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 I guess he just outright lied about everything. Well, he is a lawyer... (I know, I know ~ that was a cheap shot. So sue me ) Even going through this, you still have to find the humor in things. Laughter is the best medicine even in a situation like this. 2
Author SomedayDig Posted May 2, 2012 Author Posted May 2, 2012 Even going through this, you still have to find the humor in things. Laughter is the best medicine even in a situation like this. Absolutely!!! I mean, the last time they were together it was at a Holiday Inn Express. You can imagine the funny sh_t I've come up with that! 1
Radu Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 She actually had an STD test in January which was before Dday and me knowing anything. She just went back on Monday for another test as she had been with the xOM one time since January. She did say that her doctor made a comment that she had just had a run-up done in January, so my W had to admit the affair to her and the reason why another test was wanted. She said the doctor asked how we were doing and told my W that she was lucky to have someone like me who would be willing to try to work things out and wished her the best. I don't know how long it takes to get test results back, but she had everything run. As a side note, I got a text from one of our friends that the xOM and his BS are heading for D. He said the BS was angry that xOM didn't even come close to telling her the truth about the affair. She never knew that he banged my wife in their house in their spare room and basement...never knew that he asked my W to go away with him for a weekend a couple times. I guess he just outright lied about everything. Well, he is a lawyer... (I know, I know ~ that was a cheap shot. So sue me ) It's not a cheapshot, it's reality ... think about it. 1
jwi71 Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 Well, yesterday was 8 weeks out from Dday. I look forward to a day when I can stop counting. However, something pretty good happened last night. I got a little angry. Now, some of you know from all of my postings that I am a pretty low keyed kind of guy. I'm usually pretty good at keeping a level head and I've always tried to live by the Golden Rule. Last night, though, while my W and discussed a bit about her affair something just kind of snapped. It's not that she said anything wrong or acted inappropriate when we talked. It's just that all of a sudden she interrupted me while I was explaining something and that didn't sit well with me. At all. It was then, that I let things out. Now, let me explain how I get angry. It's not a yelling out loud kind of thing. My W described it simply as a very "intense way of talking". I told her that I was responsible for any issues that I caused from 2000 to 2007. But from March 2007 until March 2012 everything that was wrong with the marriage was squarely on HER shoulders. That if we had problems beginning the day after she met the xOM, that they were nothing but exacerbated issues that SHE caused and I was NOT going to be responsible for those 5 years of problems. Dunno about that. You are 100% responsible for M problems for 7 years? Really? Might one conclude that after 7 years of causing all marital strife she sought solace in the arms of another? That is to say, YOU caused her A Logically, if YOU caused all problems THEN she cannot be partially to blame for the status of her M. She is now a victim of you and 7 years of problems. Might one see that as seven years of abuse? And then, suddenly, magically, SHE is 100% responsible for ALL problems AFTER the A? Really? How did you go from causing ALL problems to be blameless? I'm not sure I agree with this thinking. For me, it takes TWO to have and maintain a M. It is extraordinarily rare for one spouse to shoulder all blame for the state of one's M as you are want to do. How do you reconcile sole ownership of all problems with M yet seemingly assign HER all problems AFTER the M (and her cheating). How do you expect to reconcile if all problems are either YOURS or HERS? I'm not sure that is a healthy path to walk...
Author SomedayDig Posted May 2, 2012 Author Posted May 2, 2012 jwi...I guess that's one of the difficult things about using the internet is that sometimes the thought is there but the words don't come out properly and the context is a bit whacky. Basically, what I was saying was that I had part in any of the problems that we had in the first 7 years of our marriage. I accept that I didn't know how to communicate properly with her and she accepts that she didn't know how to communicate properly with me. So, those first 7 years I do accept my role. However, in '07 when she decided to begin her affair, then she went totally off the marriage grid. From '07 until this March she really wasn't even IN the marriage. Oh, sure she was here physically, but with all of the lies, betrayal and whatnot she was NOT my true partner. THAT and that alone is what caused her to exacerbate our previous marital issues. She created MORE anger, resentment and whatever else towards me in an effort to cover up her affair and justify it. I never really DID anything wrong during those 5 years, but I was made to believe everything in the marriage that was wrong was MY fault. Did my lack of communication during the last 5 years present a problem? Absolutely. However, I DID try to work through our issues and I have copies of a few emails I sent her when I was on a trip talking about what I would like us to do to resolve them. She never responded. She shut me out. She had her walls up to block any incoming effort from me. Until I found her out and forced her to take down the walls and deal with what was going on. I understand all of what I wrote is probably very confusing and I apologize for that. Sometimes words come to my head so quickly that I find it hard for my fingers to keep up. I hope this clears up a little bit.
Artie Lang Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 As a side note, I got a text from one of our friends that the xOM and his BS are heading for D. He said the BS was angry that xOM didn't even come close to telling her the truth about the affair. She never knew that he banged my wife in their house in their spare room and basement...never knew that he asked my W to go away with him for a weekend a couple times. I guess he just outright lied about everything. something tells me, this OM is probably not even fazed by his impending divorce. he sounds like a total SCUMBAG. good riddence. 1
Author SomedayDig Posted May 2, 2012 Author Posted May 2, 2012 I get that feeling too Artie and I'm trying to not say that just because he was screwing my wife. I met him once and I only remember him being a smarmy talking lawyer. I also get that sense from reading the texts that he sent my wife always playing his angle. I mean, I can look at my readout right now and see where she told him July last year that they needed to stop the affair and work out their marriages. His reply, "Yeah I guess so". Then two weeks later he sends her a text "I can't stop thinking of you. We need to get together". She didn't respond. Another couple weeks later he sent basically the same thing and she told him we were going on a family vacation and she wanted to spend time working on our marriage. A day after we got home from vacation last year he sent her "I know your (sic) home. I need to see you". She didn't reply. He didn't contact her again until a month later when he suggested they get a hotel "but I can't use my card because my wife does our bills". Yeah. Total scumbag.
jwi71 Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 jwi...I guess that's one of the difficult things about using the internet is that sometimes the thought is there but the words don't come out properly and the context is a bit whacky. Basically, what I was saying was that I had part in any of the problems that we had in the first 7 years of our marriage. I accept that I didn't know how to communicate properly with her and she accepts that she didn't know how to communicate properly with me. So, those first 7 years I do accept my role. However, in '07 when she decided to begin her affair, then she went totally off the marriage grid. From '07 until this March she really wasn't even IN the marriage. Oh, sure she was here physically, but with all of the lies, betrayal and whatnot she was NOT my true partner. THAT and that alone is what caused her to exacerbate our previous marital issues. She created MORE anger, resentment and whatever else towards me in an effort to cover up her affair and justify it. I never really DID anything wrong during those 5 years, but I was made to believe everything in the marriage that was wrong was MY fault. Did my lack of communication during the last 5 years present a problem? Absolutely. However, I DID try to work through our issues and I have copies of a few emails I sent her when I was on a trip talking about what I would like us to do to resolve them. She never responded. She shut me out. She had her walls up to block any incoming effort from me. Until I found her out and forced her to take down the walls and deal with what was going on. I understand all of what I wrote is probably very confusing and I apologize for that. Sometimes words come to my head so quickly that I find it hard for my fingers to keep up. I hope this clears up a little bit. It does help. I was concerned that your R had taken a me vs you slant vs a we slant. That's the word to use - we. It's our M, even though at times one have done more damage/help than the other. And that type of thinking, me vs you, isn't going to help. Yes, it's clearly appropriate at times no doubt, but the majority of it is we and ours. A subtle, yet psychologically important word. Keep it up - an A is rarely the end of a M (it's usually communication before, during and after that kills it). 1
Author SomedayDig Posted May 2, 2012 Author Posted May 2, 2012 Thank you jwi for your concern. You are absolutely correct that this is a WE situation. Especially at this stage of our M. Both of us are very aware of the subtle meanings of certain words/wordings. While I am hurt, angered and every other feeling associated with being a BS, I still feel that I personally need to continue to show a certain amount of respect towards my W because I do love her. I like your comment as well that its the communication before, during and after that kills a M. Very wise words for me to listen to and I will absolutely relay that to my W when she gets home from work. Thank you!
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