AG82 Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 I am not sure this is the correct section for me to post this. Please let me know if it isn't. I just have to get some opinions. I met my partner 3 years ago. He is a lovely guy and he does love me. We had been going out for 8 months when I stumbled across some emails he had sent to escort agencies to book an appointment 'as a birthday treat to myself' as he had put it. I knew he had been to escorts in the past and I was fine with it. I confronted him about the emails and he said he didn't go. He seemed honest so I gave him another chance. Obviously my trust had not been 100% again since then and my gut feeling told me something was up and it would happen again. I am a very intuitive person and I read people like a book. I am very good at deciphering non-verbals and can tell when something is up as happened 2 days ago. We have just moved in together and 2 days ago I could not get him on the phone when i tried to which is very unusual. I knew something was up immediately. I checked his phone and found numbers I did not recognise. So I called one of them and sure enough some girl answered. When she realised I was asking her who she was she got flustered and hung up quickly stating that I had a wrong number. I confronted him about it and he denied it for a while as expected then admitted. He told me he cancelled at the last minute which I did not believe and in fact he then admitted that he went there and did oral. I told him that at this point in time it would be way better if he just told me everything just so I know what I am dealing with. He seemed insistent that he told me everything and that nothing has ever happened in the 3 years we have been together and even said he wants to get help for it. Now this is the weird part. I did not cry, the thought of breaking up with him did not cross my mind. I almost did not really seem bothered with the act itself. I kinda expected it. I am still not really annoyed that he saw an escort (my mind tells me I prefer he met an escort than some girl he met in a bar or from work coz an escort is purely sex). I am also thinking that maybe I am distinguishing sex from love? He does love me, I know he does, and I am not being deluded. We have a strong relationship and we work well together and I am looking at the bigger picture here. What bothers me more than the act itself is not being sure if he is being honest about there not being anymore women in between. I guess that is the whole trust thing. Anyway I just needed to get it off my chest. I cannot talk to my friends about it coz they would tell me to break up with him, rightly so of course. But something tells me to give it another go. I do feel like a right idiot for giving him another chance and I also feel like other people are thinking what an idiot I am but at the end of the day I am ok with giving him another chance. He has promised not to do it again and wants to get help. I will see how I feel when i am not around. If the paranoia is going to take over then I love me too much to let myself go through that hell. Did anyone here take someone back after cheating and had a good relationship after? Did anyone ever feel the way I am about the act? Sorry for the length but I really had to let it out hehe. xxx
Texsec Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 Just a story to share.... A very good friend some years ago was married to a military man who was deployed 6 mo at a time. They had a 6 yr old son at the time. He came home on leave and after he went back on duty she came up with Raging 2. She went to the doc and as a bonus found out she had HIV too. I watched her self destruct from a vibrant super fit distance runner to a shell of her former self.... Her man had a hooker fetish too... 1 in 4 people NOT in the sex trade have some kind of STD... Just think about it.... It may not seem like cheating cuz its just sex, but IMO it is like playing roulette with an automatic... All it takes is one time.... Protect yourself.... 1
Radu Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 If you want to give him another chance, give him another chance but he lost his rights to privacy. He will have none untill your trust is re-established in him (it will take a long time) and he should tell you about every number he has called, he should show you his email ... everything. No passwords allowed. It's like a test, if he comes clean with everything and is decided to work on your relationship ... then maybe you two can move on. He needs to pull the reconciliation wagon though. If he doesn't, get rid of him. The fact that you were not bothered by the act (i assure you it was more than oral), may be because you might not get bothered by a polyamorous lifestyle or maybe even swinging lifestyle. If that's the case, you need to research this on your own, without telling him. By research i mean just play some fantasies in your head and see if you get angry or excited at them. Do not tell him about this because he will use this against you in the reconciliation process. I can't stress this enough. GL.
Radu Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 Just a story to share.... A very good friend some years ago was married to a military man who was deployed 6 mo at a time. They had a 6 yr old son at the time. He came home on leave and after he went back on duty she came up with Raging 2. She went to the doc and as a bonus found out she had HIV too. I watched her self destruct from a vibrant super fit distance runner to a shell of her former self.... Her man had a hooker fetish too... 1 in 4 people NOT in the sex trade have some kind of STD... Just think about it.... It may not seem like cheating cuz its just sex, but IMO it is like playing roulette with an automatic... All it takes is one time.... Protect yourself.... Listen to this OP, and have him tested ... always use condoms with him too.
leoc1973 Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 Yeah I agree with Tex. He's not just cheating on you he is endangering your welfare! He did oral? I am assuming a condom was not used. All guys wanna sleep with other women. We get bored or fantasize just like women do but love is the reason you don't betray them. If you take him back you are confirming that he can bang whomever he wants and you will put up with it. That seeing someone because they have a "problem" is so rediculous. Yeah he has a problem he can't keep his penis out of other women. Get rid of this douchebag!
travelbug Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 It's really true what they say about past behavior being the best predictor of future behavior. He has seen them in the past and he will continue to do so in the future. And I suspect he did a lot more than he's admitting to. I think you might be seeing just the tip of the iceberg here. Frankly, from experience, you can't be with someone you can't trust. You can't live always wondering if what they just told you was true or not, going through their things to find answers, etc. You will drive yourself crazy with the suspicion and paranoia. You can't have a healthy relationship with this going on. If fidelity is something that is important to you and is an indicator of how your partner feels about you (which it is for most people), then I think you should think again about this second chance. The fact that he lied initially about even seeing this last one, then admitted to it later says a lot. Also, I agree with other posters here. If you choose to continue to be intimate, you need to protect yourself physically! I read in a magazine not long ago that the demographic with the highest rates of new HIV cases is married women in their 30s-50s. You're not married, but I think you see where I'm going with this. Just because you're living together and he loves you, does not mean he will remain faithful. If you think your friends are going to tell you to leave him, you're probably right. The fact that you don't want to tell your friends, says to me that maybe you know it's the right thing to do. It's hard to leave someone you care about, but from what you've said, I think it would be the best thing for you. Hard at first, but in the long run, the best thing.
Tiera D Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 my ex broke my trust once,it turned me so paranoid until it contributed alot do our breakup..u lack boundaries OP..One can only cheat on u once,but when u let him back that easily,u allow him to do it again n again TD
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