Els Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 What do you mean 'what kind of girl'? SD, she tried twice after getting some initial reciprocation. Big deal. If I were the OP, I would have dug in to see what mo-jo he might have been working behind the scenes before posting this. As it is, I guess he thought that showing this to the OP was going to score him some points. Looks like it worked to some extent. Which is sad. If guys want girls to try their hand at approaching them, you can't beat them up for trying in a respectful way. Not trying to be snarky, but maybe you could take some notes from her? She was at least willing to step out of her comfort zone a little. She sort of asked 3 MORE times after he said 'Sorry, no, I have plans', and after that even sent a final text. That is way more than anyone, male or female, should be doing, IMO - the wisest choice would be to leave it after the 2nd, or even 1st text.
somedude81 Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 What do you mean 'what kind of girl'? SD, she tried twice after getting some initial reciprocation. Big deal. If I were the OP, I would have dug in to see what mo-jo he might have been working behind the scenes before posting this. As it is, I guess he thought that showing this to the OP was going to score him some points. Looks like it worked to some extent. Which is sad. If guys want girls to try their hand at approaching them, you can't beat them up for trying in a respectful way. She went way above and beyond what I consider to be an acceptable pursuit for a girl. If I guy did that, people would be calling him pathetic. Not trying to be snarky, but maybe you could take some notes from her? She was at least willing to step out of her comfort zone a little. I already did. Try to keep up.
xxoo Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 And even if not, what kind of girl obviously tries like that? And repeatedly. A direct girl who goes after what she wants? A relaxed girl who isn't getting too worked up about it, whether it is yes or no? A drunk girl who sends messages when she drinks? What "kind of girl" do you think it makes her?
zengirl Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 Now of course if it's like Elswyth said and it's someone you know for a fact has romantic feelings for you, then it's another issue entirely. And of course you should not do anything to get signals crossed. Well, I guess I assume most men who ask me out have romantic feelings for me or are at least physically attracted to me. I would also assume that most men I ask on a date --- not the same as every social interaction or time spent together! --- would know I had some attraction/romantic interest as well. At any rate, I wouldn't even ask someone to hang out as a friend if they blew me off or ignored a text (not his first answer but his subsequent ignoring her).
RedRobin Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 She went way above and beyond what I consider to be an acceptable pursuit for a girl. If I guy did that, people would be calling him pathetic. I already did. Try to keep up. Oh, she sent two texts after his last response. One was probably enough. It's kinda like ping pong. You hit the ball over to the other side. If they don't bounce it back, it's off the table. No biggie. About the last statement. Not sure what you are talking about "trying to keep up" I read the whole thread. I don't see you keeping up at all, no offense. You (admittedly) chased a girl for quite some time who wasn't interested. Months or years if memory serves. So, I'm kind of confused why you'd dump on this one for teetering a little overboard on the enthusiasm. I've never dissed a guy for being more interested in me that I was in him. It is because of situations like the ones the OP posted that I'm also very direct with men (in a nice, but firm way) if I'm not interested in anything romantic. The OP strung her along. If it were a girl doing this, the guys here would have started a whole thread on "why can't she just say she isn't interested!!" Sheesh.
fortyninethousand322 Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 At any rate, I wouldn't even ask someone to hang out as a friend if they blew me off or ignored a text (not his first answer but his subsequent ignoring her). Yeah no. I wasn't saying she should ask the guy from the OP, he's clearly not interested. I'm saying if there happened to be a different guy she knew who was friendly to her or whatever.
zengirl Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 Yeah no. I wasn't saying she should ask the guy from the OP, he's clearly not interested. I'm saying if there happened to be a different guy she knew who was friendly to her or whatever. Ah, gotcha. Well, yes of course! I'm a big proponent of women taking their own initiative to ask guys out when they want. Just not inconsiderate people.
threebyfate Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 I agree with EasyHeart. The girl's messages sound breezy, not desperate...and he did give ambivalent answers. It sounds like her last message made clear that she got the point. The guy is an azz for giving ambivalent answers and essentially ridiculing her for not getting the hint.Well, she's pretty dense not to have shut it down. As for his responses being ambivalent, his lack of responsiveness spoke louder than any words.
Imajerk17 Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 (edited) I have a male collegue who is sort of a "playa". He brags that he has slept with 300 women. He is obsessed with his looks and really arrogant. To his credit, he is honest that he is after sex and if you are not dating him, he is a fairly decent guy. He sometiemes shows me message exhanges between him and girls that try to hit on him... (yes, girls hit on him everywhere and all the time, I witness it daily). I don't object to this because I learn a lot on how NOT to act. This went down over FB; (he and girl met in a foregein language class and they never dated or hang out): ---------------------- Girl: Hey, I happen to have two tickets to a ...... show this Saturday, would you like to join me? Him (2 days later): Sorry, I already made plans. Girl: Are you sure? Let me know ifr you change your mind Him: OK, will do! OK. So far so good. It seems clear to both parties that the ball is now in his court now about this event. Girl (2 days later): Have you changed your mind? (he doesn't reply).... It's a little pushy on her part. The ball in his court for him to get back to her IF he changed his mind. Well he didn't change his mind, so.... Girl (a week later): Hey! I am a bit of a music nut and I have two tickets for next Sat, want to join? Oh I have the funniest story...(she goes on to write an essay about how she hit her head).. finishes with this: I would really like to see you xxxx (he doesn't reply)... Girl (few days later): Hey again, I am sorry if my messages were inappropriate. I don't like you like that and I was just trying to be friendly. I hope I didn't creep you out. If you want to hang out sometimes let me know xxxx :sick: I kind of cringed for her.The "I don't like you like that" sounds like Sour Grapes to me. I actually don't see a problem with her having inviting him out again, at least that one last time. As far as whether he owed her a more direct answer though, it depends on how they exchanged FBs. If he didn't express direct interest, then why does he owe her a response? If he did, then I think it would be appropriate for him to say something. But how often does a *girl* blow a guy off like that even after direct interest was expressed? Guys deal with behavior a lot ruder than this from girls all the time. There's no need for her to move out of town or anything though. She didn't come across as a psycho so much as a crazy school girl. Edited May 2, 2012 by Imajerk17
jobaba Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 The "I don't like you like that" sounds like Sour Grapes to me. It's less sour grapes than her trying to pick up the shards of her shattered ego.
Imajerk17 Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 It's less sour grapes than her trying to pick up the shards of her shattered ego. It's obvious to the parties involved that she DID like him like that. By denying that she actually looks worse. Again, men have to deal with this sort of thing--being turned down and with a non-response--all the time. So it's hard for me to feel too bad for her "shattered ego".
jobaba Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 It's obvious to the parties involved that she DID like him like that. By denying that she actually looks worse. Again, men have to deal with this sort of thing--being turned down and with a non-response--all the time. So it's hard for me to feel too bad for her "shattered ego". Yea, well, most women aren't designed to handle flat out rejection.
threebyfate Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 What kind of dufus, regardless of gender, would pursue a blatantly disinterested party so actively? Obvious social cues are obvious. 1
RedRobin Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 It's obvious to the parties involved that she DID like him like that. By denying that she actually looks worse. Again, men have to deal with this sort of thing--being turned down and with a non-response--all the time. So it's hard for me to feel too bad for her "shattered ego". I would have thought that since you know what it feels like, you'd have some empathy. guess not.
RedRobin Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 This thread has been very enlightening... but not for the reasons the OP intended. I used to think it was only fair for women to try to approach men. I used to think that most fair-minded people (especially the guys) would cut the woman a little slack for doing it a bit awkwardly. What I see now is that you guys that complain about women not approaching is mostly BS. What you want is a woman who will be a punching bag for all of the women who rejected you in the past. If a woman approaches you, then she is fair game to take it on the chin for every woman who might not have treated you so nicely. I can take this two ways: a) stop approaching men, for fear of getting treated like you've been treated. b) step up my approaching men. It is a great test of your character to see how you respond.
Lil1 Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 The OP did say that her super cool player guy friend () and the girl being discussed met in foreign class. Perhaps she is foreign and it's a cultural thing for her. I used to have a Russian friend who always pursued men hard. She was very good looking but her rather abrasive approach turned men off instantly. I asked her about this once and she told me that where she is from women are very direct and it is not unusual for the woman to make the first move. Different strokes for different folk. I do think that the OP's friend is pretty incosiderate and downright mean for clowning on the girl though.
jobaba Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 This thread has been very enlightening... but not for the reasons the OP intended. I used to think it was only fair for women to try to approach men. I used to think that most fair-minded people (especially the guys) would cut the woman a little slack for doing it a bit awkwardly. What I see now is that you guys that complain about women not approaching is mostly BS. What you want is a woman who will be a punching bag for all of the women who rejected you in the past. If a woman approaches you, then she is fair game to take it on the chin for every woman who might not have treated you so nicely. I can take this two ways: a) stop approaching men, for fear of getting treated like you've been treated. b) step up my approaching men. It is a great test of your character to see how you respond. It's true. She could have been a very young innocent girl who doesn't have much experience with men, got a crush on a guy, and awkwardly pursued him. In which case, I'd feel bad for her. There's tons of men who fit that description who have posted here. Of course, I don't see too much of that type of woman at my age and so you can only project what you know.
zengirl Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 This thread has been very enlightening... but not for the reasons the OP intended. I used to think it was only fair for women to try to approach men. I used to think that most fair-minded people (especially the guys) would cut the woman a little slack for doing it a bit awkwardly. What I see now is that you guys that complain about women not approaching is mostly BS. What you want is a woman who will be a punching bag for all of the women who rejected you in the past. If a woman approaches you, then she is fair game to take it on the chin for every woman who might not have treated you so nicely. I can take this two ways: a) stop approaching men, for fear of getting treated like you've been treated. b) step up my approaching men. It is a great test of your character to see how you respond. I don't really think the negativity is about her approaching at all. It's about her continuing to talk to a wall. I don't see her as a punching bag --- just someone who's putting herself through needless frustration. It's not about whether she was awkward or not. It's about whether she had the self respect to back off when he started ignoring her. If someone ignores your calls/texts, do you keep calling/texting? I don't. And I think it's sad when men OR women do it. fwiw, I've had men turn me down and men take me up on my offer when I approached, but I have pretty rarely felt that the issue was the idea of 'a woman approaching' or that the guy wanted a punching bag. 3
threebyfate Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 Girl: Hey, I happen to have two tickets to a ...... show this Saturday, would you like to join me? Him (2 days later): Sorry, I already made plans. Girl: *silence* ------------------------------------ Refer to above with how it should have gone down. If it takes someone 2 days to get back to you just to tell you that they've made other plans, you're not a priority to them so it's time to move on. Even if they approach you again down the road, their initial actions make it pretty clear that they're either gamers or disinterested, of which either aren't relationship material. Dating and social cues aren't rocket science.
Imajerk17 Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 (edited) I would have thought that since you know what it feels like, you'd have some empathy. guess not. Sure I feel a little bad for anyone who gets shot down. But I'm not about to nominate this chick for a Medal Of Freedom or anything. Men go through something like this all the time. We don't expect a gold star for it though. Rejection sucks but we get back up on the horse. If we got "shattered egos" every time we didn't get a positive response, the human race would die off. To answer your next post: (1) The OP is *female*. The person making fun of this woman was another woman. (2) I mentioned that the protagonist didn't come across as a psycho, just a little awkward. (But yeah, her "I don't like you like that" sounds juvenile. Sorry but it really does.) Edited May 2, 2012 by Imajerk17
somedude81 Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 This thread has been very enlightening... but not for the reasons the OP intended. I used to think it was only fair for women to try to approach men. I used to think that most fair-minded people (especially the guys) would cut the woman a little slack for doing it a bit awkwardly. What I see now is that you guys that complain about women not approaching is mostly BS. What you want is a woman who will be a punching bag for all of the women who rejected you in the past. If a woman approaches you, then she is fair game to take it on the chin for every woman who might not have treated you so nicely. I can take this two ways: a) stop approaching men, for fear of getting treated like you've been treated. b) step up my approaching men. It is a great test of your character to see how you respond. It's actually secret option number 3 c) Stop trying to get with somebody who isn't giving you anything at all in return. Everybody knows that my pursuit of my last crush was pretty pathetic, but even then, I got a hell of a lot more out of her than this girl was getting out of that guy. Also we were actually friends and hung out regularly, while nothing of the sort happened with the girl in this thread. 1
justacollegekid Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 I actually don't have any problem with the girl in the OP. The guy was being a jerk, but I don't think she did anything wrong, besides maybe having poor taste in men. I think we can all agree that the guy in the OP is a jerk, if only for showing ES those messages. I don't lack respect for anyone (male or female) who pursues someone that they like; that's the only way you're going to get a date. This girl asked a guy out who gave her an ambivalent answer and then followed up and tried again. I've done that many, many times. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. There's never any shame in trying. The only point I'd make to people is that bombarding people with messages (and I don't think the girl in the OP did that in this example) or asking someone out repeatedly after they've turned you down repeatedly is a poor dating strategy because IT DOESN'T WORK. That should be the real message.I totally agree with what you said. Maybe when she said she had the concert tickets she needed an answer from him asap so if he can't go she could take someone else. He never gave her an answer, so she probably still had hope and was feeling pretty anxious because she didn't want to waste the ticket.
RedRobin Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 It's actually secret option number 3 c) Stop trying to get with somebody who isn't giving you anything at all in return. Everybody knows that my pursuit of my last crush was pretty pathetic, but even then, I got a hell of a lot more out of her than this girl was getting out of that guy. Also we were actually friends and hung out regularly, while nothing of the sort happened with the girl in this thread. I agree with you on c). I'm sorry about your last crush. I've never made fun of you for that. Hope you didn't feel I was making fun of you here. We don't know about the extent of communication between the colleague and text girl. I still have a yucky feeling that he did plenty to lead her on. Most women are not going to jump out of their comfort zone like that to chase a guy that sent out ZERO signals. Like I said before, if the guy is really a 'playa' then his description of their interaction is VERY suspect. It is the OP I'm cringing for actually for buying his BS story and forwarding his crappy behavior here.
RedRobin Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 Sure I feel a little bad for anyone who gets shot down. But I'm not about to nominate this chick for a Medal Of Freedom or anything. Men go through something like this all the time. We don't expect a gold star for it though. Rejection sucks but we get back up on the horse. If we got "shattered egos" every time we didn't get a positive response, the human race would die off. To answer your next post: (1) The OP is *female*. The person making fun of this woman was another woman. (2) I mentioned that the protagonist didn't come across as a psycho, just a little awkward. (But yeah, her "I don't like you like that" sounds juvenile. Sorry but it really does.) My problem is that some of you can't seem to manage to let well enough alone and keep piling onto this woman. I've already mentioned that I feel the OP is an accessory to this man's poor behavior with her decision to forward the woman's texts here. It isn't becoming at all. Not saying the woman deserves any kind of medal. She doesn't deserve this though. Seeing some of these reactions gives me a very ill feeling... especially the posts from the guys because you, more than the others, are probably in a position to understand better what rejection feels like.
Woggle Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 I would have thought that since you know what it feels like, you'd have some empathy. guess not. I agree with you but isn't this the same way women act when men are treated in ways that women normally are. How is this any different to how some women react when they hear about a man who has been cheated on by a woman? I don't see too much empathy in many cases like that.
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