DisGai Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 So it's been a solid 3 months that I've been NC after being dumped from a 2 year relationship. I. Background behind my dump-story: It was my first relationship. Though we loved each other immensely and helped each other grow in many aspects, I was immature and ignorant about how to handle a relationship. We were together for half a year in high-school before we went off to different colleges (a plane ride away) and maintained a LDR for a year and a half. She eventually lost romantic feelings for me, even though she cared for me and loved me like a best-friend/brother. A couple months before the BU, we had been unsteady, and a guy had confessed that he liked her. She said she felt attraction, and that's how she knew it was over between us. Her decision was firm. From some unfortunate stalking, it seems that she's been interested in the other guy, but they are not dating or involved in a romantic relationship (a possible failure of an assumption --> read III. to see why I assume so). Regardless, I was devastated. II. NC Phase But I've been getting support from friends and some occasional posting/lurking on LS. I've strongly maintained NC and tried to move forward optimistically. She had tried to contact me for the past five or so weeks through a couple phone-calls, texts, and chats. I was determined to ignore everything until she would lay out her objective--why she was trying to contact me. III. She returns Then, a couple days ago, she suddenly calls me repeatedly...a total of forty+ calls. I ignored the first few, thinking she'd stop the breadcrumbs, but after about ten calls, I spoke to her (through text) for the first time in 3 months. I just asked her if there was something she really needed. She was persistent and wanted me to pick up the phone.. nearly begged me. Being emotionally shaken and completely unready to speak to her, I refused, saying I couldn't at the moment. So I asked her to tell me why she needed to speak to me. Finally, after about an hour, she spilled the beans saying that she "doesn't know what to do".. that she feels "so lost" and "still loves me so much." "I can't get over it. Just give me something. I've been trying," she said. I responded by asking her what she wants me to give her, and she kept insisting that we talk, to which I replied, "I really can't." Then.. no response since then. IV. Present... That threw me off soooo much. I've been waiting for her to call me so I could finally speak to her, and right about now, I seriously just want to call her. But I know I shouldn't. She's probably saying that she wants me back.. right? That the current guy isn't sparking her interests anymore? I was totally ecstatic but emotionally shaken at the same time. This is what I've been clinging onto for the past few days, but it's really quite unhealthy. Could she just be saying that she still cares about me as a best-friend/brother, but that she's hurt because I've been ignoring her? How should I interpret her messages? The next time she calls, I plan on listening to what she has to say to me, and to give my perspective on all of this. In the case that she wants me back, I want to address her confusion.. that she was so sure that she didn't want me as her partner 3 months ago, but now, she feels "so lost" and her emotions are simply unreliable. I know that the relationship won't work if we just dive into it, so I want to let her know that we still need to stay apart. And if the feelings are really that strong, they'll bring us back to each other in time. What are your opinions on my situation? Thanks a lot for reading I really appreciate it.
GaelicSoul Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 Hmm Well firstly relax So after 3 months, you finally get the call you have been dreaming about. I bet it was a crazy hearing her again after all that time? I think you handled it well. I would leave her calm down, and remain NC. She will contact you with something more concrete in time, that's if shes still interested. She might have done a lot of reflecting, or else is rebounding and wants to now are you still there. She needs to sort her own issues out. I wouldn't rush now, just relax and get on with your life. Are you seeing anybody new?
Author DisGai Posted May 2, 2012 Author Posted May 2, 2012 Hmm Well firstly relax So after 3 months, you finally get the call you have been dreaming about. I bet it was a crazy hearing her again after all that time? I think you handled it well. I would leave her calm down, and remain NC. She will contact you with something more concrete in time, that's if shes still interested. She might have done a lot of reflecting, or else is rebounding and wants to now are you still there. She needs to sort her own issues out. I wouldn't rush now, just relax and get on with your life. Are you seeing anybody new? Thanks for the reply! I agree that she needs to sort out her issues on her own, but I do feel a call coming within the next week. I know I'm not responsible for making her feel better, but it hurt me to ignore her calls when she was nearly begging for my voice... it sucks! I am not seeing anybody new, and I don't believe I'll be able to for at least a good year... it would be unfair for the new girl when I haven't fully moved on yet.
Radu Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 So it's been a solid 3 months that I've been NC after being dumped from a 2 year relationship. I. Background behind my dump-story: It was my first relationship. Though we loved each other immensely and helped each other grow in many aspects, I was immature and ignorant about how to handle a relationship. We were together for half a year in high-school before we went off to different colleges (a plane ride away) and maintained a LDR for a year and a half. She eventually lost romantic feelings for me, even though she cared for me and loved me like a best-friend/brother.she should of primarily loved you as a lover ... that right there is when she started looking around A couple months before the BU, we had been unsteady, and a guy had confessed that he liked her. She said she felt attraction, and that's how she knew it was over between us. Her decision was firm. grass is greener started by the long distance probably From some unfortunate stalking, it seems that she's been interested in the other guy, but they are not dating or involved in a romantic relationship (a possible failure of an assumption --> read III. to see why I assume so). Regardless, I was devastated. II. NC Phase But I've been getting support from friends and some occasional posting/lurking on LS. I've strongly maintained NC and tried to move forward optimistically. She had tried to contact me for the past five or so weeks through a couple phone-calls, texts, and chats. I was determined to ignore everything until she would lay out her objective--why she was trying to contact me. NC is not conditional NC. NC is just plain NC ... NO CONTACT. You were playing games and in your mind the two of you getting back together was probable. III. She returns Then, a couple days ago, she suddenly calls me repeatedly...a total of forty+ calls. I ignored the first few, thinking she'd stop the breadcrumbs, but after about ten calls, I spoke to her (through text) for the first time in 3 months. I just asked her if there was something she really needed. you should have asked to leave you alone or you would file for a restraining order. She was persistent and wanted me to pick up the phone.. nearly begged me. Being emotionally shaken and completely unready to speak to her, I refused, saying I couldn't at the moment. So I asked her to tell me why she needed to speak to me. Finally, after about an hour, she spilled the beans saying that she "doesn't know what to do".. that she feels "so lost" and "still loves me so much." "I can't get over it. Just give me something. I've been trying," she said. I responded by asking her what she wants me to give her, and she kept insisting that we talk, to which I replied, "I really can't." Then.. no response since then. she wanted the two of you to talk because communication is 90% nonverbal. Through text, she was down to 10% effectiveness and she instinctively knew it ... yet it made you this shakey. IV. Present... That threw me off soooo much. I've been waiting for her to call me so I could finally speak to her, and right about now, I seriously just want to call her. But I know I shouldn't. She's probably saying that she wants me back.. right? That the current guy isn't sparking her interests anymore? I was totally ecstatic but emotionally shaken at the same time. This is what I've been clinging onto for the past few days, but it's really quite unhealthy. Could she just be saying that she still cares about me as a best-friend/brother you don't want your gf to see as that, you want her to see you as a lover first and then maybe the best friend bit ... when siblings sleep together it's called incest, but that she's hurt because I've been ignoring her? How should I interpret her messages? The next time she calls, I plan on listening to what she has to say to me, and to give my perspective on all of this. don't do this, she is slowly breaking down your work for 3months In the case that she wants me back, I want to address her confusion.. that she was so sure that she didn't want me as her partner 3 months ago, but now, she feels "so lost" and her emotions are simply unreliable. taking her back this way means that you are signing off on her GIGS and saying it's OK I know that the relationship won't work if we just dive into it, so I want to let her know that we still need to stay apart. And if the feelings are really that strong, they'll bring us back to each other in time. she'll just agree with anything ... it isn't like it's a legally binding agreement, is it ? What are your opinions on my situation? that you are headed for disaster Thanks a lot for reading I really appreciate it. Read in bold. PS: Find someone to date, fast or make someone up and let it get back to her.
leoc1973 Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 OK with my ex I did what Radu said to do. Well I did it on my own I wasn't on this site back then. After about 3 years my ex dumped me out of the blue I tried and tried but she wouldn't take me back she said she was sure of it we will never be together again. Told me to move on and even told me to find a nice girl. Three and a half months later I met someone new. It got back to my ex and she did what your ex did. Called me a million times and texted nonstop. At that point I kinda liked the new girl so I wasn't going to meet her but part of me ended up making me meet her. I went with the intentions of seeing her beg and cry and then telling her to go to hell but soon as I saw her face and she told me she wanted me back I melted. The problem with getting someone back with just jealousy is that she didn't get a chance to go sow her oats and live out her gigs she came back to me out of desperation. So anyways we were together over 2 more years and she dumped me again. Its been a year this time and I met someone new now she wants me back. The catch 22 with taking someone back is that they will always feel like they can do whatever they want and come back to you. To stop the cycle you can't take them back so either way you lose. You either lose her forever or you get her back and show her she can come and go as she pleases. I think your ex's line of thinking is that she is freaking out because its hitting her that you are simply moving on. Then there is probably some problems with the other guy too. Three months is about the length of a honeymoon period and hmm what a coincidence its 3 months NC for you. If you take her back she needs to believe that you are very torn over it and if she does it to you again there probably won't be another chance so that she doesnt do it again 1
Author DisGai Posted May 2, 2012 Author Posted May 2, 2012 Thanks for the replies! @Radu, Of course she should have primarily loved me as a lover, not a best-friend/brother. That's why she broke up with me. She sought the other guy to see if the grass was greener, but based on her actions, it seems that she didn't know what she had until she lost it (me), and the grass wasn't greener for her. Well, that's just how my friends and I feel about the situation. I think you misinterpreted what I was saying about questioning whether she still loves me as a best-friend/brother vs. loves me romantically. Obviously I do not want her to love me as a best-friend/brother. I do not condone incest. And I agree. NC is no conditional no contact. I admit that I initially began NC so that she'd miss me more, but as time went by, it helped me to look forward, to improve, and to love myself more. The reason I responded was to just.. be a human being. Threatening to file a restraining order is a bit harsh on my end and would convey that I'm bitter about everything, which I am not. In fact, I believe the BU was necessary for the both of us.. especially me. She was really desperate to talk to me, but I'm really glad I gave her the message that I wasn't willing. I just let her know that I'm still alive, but that I'm not open for her to pick up at anytime. Quite frankly, I'm proud of myself. *patpat*. I do believe that she is going through GIGS, and I am not willing to let her back into my life easily. But I disagree that I should immediately find someone to date or "make someone up" to induce jealousy on her part.. quite immature I think. If she does love me, the feelings should come naturally and without my manipulation. @leoc, I personally think 3 months is too short of a honeymoon period. And from stalking on my part, it wasn't obvious at all whether they were dating or not. Her relationship status on facebook is single as well. Could it be that she just simply misses me/cares for me/loves me and that she lost the initial interest she had in the new guy? Regardless, I hope I can continue moving forward without feeling the burden of waiting on her call. And if the opportunity arises, I don't plan on taking her back until at least a couple months from now (during summer). She'll have to work for me and prove her commitment.
Author DisGai Posted May 3, 2012 Author Posted May 3, 2012 On second thought, I kind of regret responding. Waiting for that call...it hurts to suppress this feeling of hope, and I feel significantly more tired and less lively.. NC should have been kept for at least 6 months. Damn.
dandan89 Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 But I disagree that I should immediately find someone to date or "make someone up" to induce jealousy on her part.. quite immature I think. If she does love me, the feelings should come naturally and without my manipulation. Absolutely man! She definitely has to realise on her own. And make sure she doesn't still see you as best friend/brother. If someone see's you like that can they really change I wonder. Though if it is GIGS this could be part of it. Regardless, I hope I can continue moving forward without feeling the burden of waiting on her call. And if the opportunity arises, I don't plan on taking her back until at least a couple months from now (during summer). She'll have to work for me and prove her commitment. Nailed it, she will have to prove herself and fix the trust you have in her which won't happen over night. I think it will be easier said than done though. You don't wanna fall back to the same place as last time. Let us know what's happens though man and good luck.
Author DisGai Posted May 3, 2012 Author Posted May 3, 2012 Absolutely man! She definitely has to realise on her own. And make sure she doesn't still see you as best friend/brother. If someone see's you like that can they really change I wonder. Though if it is GIGS this could be part of it. Nailed it, she will have to prove herself and fix the trust you have in her which won't happen over night. I think it will be easier said than done though. You don't wanna fall back to the same place as last time. Let us know what's happens though man and good luck. Hey, thanks for the encouragement I am pretty bummed out about all of this, but I guess I'll have to get myself busy again.. going for a run worked wonders today. Definitely will keep this thread updated. 1
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