Nicci Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 I really need some advice on how to handle what is going on in my life right now. Thanks in advance for reading. I have been in a long term relationship with my (don't even know what to call him at this point) significant other, for about 19 years. We never married, but had two children come out of this relationship. They are now teenagers, one of whom is almost 18. Almost 3 years ago, their father left me for another woman. At the time I did the begging and pleading and I know it pushed him farther and deeper into his affair. After about 3 months, I began counseling for myself and was able to handle things better. About a year after the affair was still ongoing, I decided to move out of our home and get an apartment. My significant other did not want me to move, and started cake eating like crazy. I ended up moving out of the apartment and back into our home. After another 6 months, and a year and half of my ex telling me that he was confused and didn't know what he wanted, and not coming home....I began seeing someone else. I really like this new guy and I figured since I wasn't married, it's not like I had to file for divorce. And the ex was pretty much involved with his affair partner and we were finished. Once he saw me with the new person though, he flipped out on me. He ended up going to jail over it and now facing domestic violence charges that he has never ever had in his life. In fact this is the first time he has ever been in jail. I am still seeing my new person and now the ex is trying to get me back in some weird way. The problem is that I still love my ex, but the new person treats me way better and I know he would NEVER cheat on me. The ex is extremely financially stable, and provides well....where as the new guy struggles with finances and lives paycheck to paycheck. I am having such a hard time trying to figure out what I want. I have wished for the day that my ex would want me back. He sat me down the other day and was crying and telling me how much he loved me and cared about me, and that he wanted to take care of me forever. He also said that he thinks about me every day of his life, and that he misses his home, his animals, his kids, me....He even moved half of his wardrobe back to our home and put into our closet again (alot of it was at affair partners house)...I am seeing him bring things home a little at a time from her house. Yet here is the kicker, he never ended things with her. He is still seeing her, and spending the nights with her. Sometimes he comes home and sleeps on the couch. He has been trying to cuddle with me in my bedroom, but I told him that he is not welcome in my bed. I told him that I am not a cheater and refuse to cheat on my new person, with him. He has been sending me texts, such as little smiley faces, and trying to make small talk with me. We are getting along while he has been at the house. We have had long discussions about what we are doing, about how we are both involved in relationships now, and how we both still love each other. He says that it will take time and baby steps, and I suggested we try to be friends. He tells me how the affair partner is driving him crazy and that he does not want to be with her very much anymore. I do see him coming around our home more, and spending more time away from her...but as I sit here tonight...He is spending the night with her. It's all so weird to me. Then I look at my relationship with the other person and I'm happy with him. He makes me laugh, smile...and he genuinely cares about me. I can look at this person and know in my heart that I could trust him till the day I die, but we would have nothing. He has bad credit, can't afford a house, can barely pay his child support for his 2 children from a marriage right out of highschool...I would be the breadwinner as I have a good paying job. With my ex, I would never have to work a day in my life if I didn't want to. I have a beautiful house, a nice car, a good job...and life is easy, financially. But would always have to worry about the cheater in him. And, I honestly don't know what my ex is doing to my head right now. He is soooo confusing to me. He keeps saying that he hopes it works out between us..and that we can't just break up with the people we've started relationships with, that those relationships have to die their own death or that we both will want them back. He keeps saying how he doesn't know if he can trust me...LOL! really??? He left me! I found someone else after a year and half of waiting for him to come back. He keeps saying that we both have this "you go first" attitude about ending things with our other people. Today I texted my ex and asked for $1900 to put new rims and tires on my car and it was transferred into my account within minutes, no questions asked. He gives me money whenever I want it, and I don't have to do anything for it, except be nice to him and not ask what he is doing with affair lady. I try to focus on my own relationship, and like I said...I am happy with my new guy. My ex "hates" the new guy with a passion and that is how the domestic violence happened. My ex caught me out with the new person and started a fight with him. UGH, this is sooooo crazy. I don't know what to do.
Radu Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 Well, you have a few options, so let's see what you prefer : 1 - break off with new guy, get back with ex in which case you will be GIGS (grass is greener) and the AP ... since right now you consider him to be with his mistress 2 - you can do the above and stop working so you end up completely dependent on someone who almost 2yrs ago threw you and your kids under a bus (nice credentials) 3 - keep going with your guy, have your ex leave the marital house. You say you make good money so it wouldn't be a problem to take care of the kids. I this case i would separate finances from the new guy as debt is financial STD. 4 - break it off with both. What is more important to you, freedom or having money (more than enough). To me freedom is more important, money is only worth what we say it's worth and tomorrow it could be worth zilch. So let's look at your ex : 1 - he leaves you for a mistress after almost 2 decades of being together 2 - he doesn't see anything wrong in it 3 - he knows how to manipulate well 4 - he doesn't have any shame about it (he really doesn't) 5 - does DV when he sees you moving on after 18 months ... this was simply about him seeing you as his territory and another male was encroaching. Do not assume possesiveness shows love for someone. It generally shows selfishness. 6 - tries to buy you with money The way i see it, if your ex wants to see his kids ... he will see them, if he doesn't want to help financially with the kids, you can make him. So the bottom line is ... do you want to sell yourself for money ?
Author Nicci Posted May 2, 2012 Author Posted May 2, 2012 I told my ex yesterday that I am still looking to find another house to move in to and that he can have our home. He told me to stop being so stubborn and to just live at our home. I don't know what I'm doing yet. I still feel like I need to get my ducks in a row here at the house. I have so much stuff to pack and go through. Part of me wishes that he would just pay off the house, quit claim it over to me...pay child support for a few more years, and to never step a foot back in this house again. I really don't want him back. I miss the person he was, before the affair. It will never be the same. I think that us getting along is good for our kids. It just hurts for him to keep telling me he loves me and then goes off to spend the night with his OW. I know what he is doing. It is manipulation. He wants both. He wants me and the kids, the home, the pets and the OW...he didn't expect another man to walk in and almost rip it out from under him. But right now I feel stuck in not knowing what the next step is. I don't want to get to the angry place with him again. I like being friends....but don't want to know anything about the skank. I found a bunch of mushy cards from her that he brought home in his stuff and shredded all of them today. I felt like a crazy person cause I had this huge smile on my face and I was laughing as they went through the shredder...All her little "I Love You baby" cards torn to itty bitty pieces. It was almost therapeutic. I just got a text from him about 2 hours ago, that said "goodnight and a smiley face"...I ignored it. But to RADU...yes you are right...I need to make some decisions and stop trying to sweep it under a rug. I keep waiting for the right moment to make the right moves, and I just have such a hard time putting that first foot out to do it. Part of me wants to wait till my kids have graduated school. One will graduate 2013 and one in 2015...so not far off...then I am bailing. I am thinking I even want to leave the state, just to get away from this craziness. Kids will be in college in another state so I will have no ties to remain in the same state as him.
TakeMeasIam Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 OP what i think you want is the best of both men rolled into one. Well I can tell you that's not going to happen; but you are still using both of them for the best of both worlds. there is unfairness on all sides.... you have to look at which behaviour would be better, if you were advising your daughter what to do.... What would your Mamma tell you?
Radu Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 OP what i think you want is the best of both men rolled into one. Well I can tell you that's not going to happen; but you are still using both of them for the best of both worlds. there is unfairness on all sides.... you have to look at which behaviour would be better, if you were advising your daughter what to do.... What would your Mamma tell you? Good point, listen to this OP. If your daughter came to you with this question, what would you say ?
Radu Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 Can't edit my above post : OP, kids are not stupid ... especially at these ages. Kids generally tend to be angry at the one who broke the home (him), and they will find out eventually (talk with a child therapist about this for a 2nd opinion). The question is, what is the lesson you want them to learn from all of this. Is it to : 1 - have strong boundaries and don't take crap from other ppl 2 - take crap because you deserve it If you choose to play nice untill they are off to college at least tell them why you did it and that if they end up in this situation they don't need to make the same choice. You didn't mention their gender.
YellowShark Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 What is the price of true love? A house? New rims for you vehicle? Your partner LEFT you for another woman. He then became violent and went to prison! And he is *still* in contact with the OW. My goodness he sounds absolutely awful except he has some money to buy you off. Doesn't sound like a prince if you ask me. Never make someone a priority who only sees you as an option. Do what you must but don't think for one second that it'll be all roses and wine if you go back. 2
Steen719 Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 What is the price of true love? A house? New rims for you vehicle? Your partner LEFT you for another woman. He then became violent and went to prison! And he is *still* in contact with the OW. My goodness he sounds absolutely awful except he has some money to buy you off. Doesn't sound like a prince if you ask me. Never make someone a priority who only sees you as an option. Do what you must but don't think for one second that it'll be all roses and wine if you go back. I saw this statement first on LS and believe me, I thought about that meaning long and hard when I left XH. He made me an option and that simply was not good enough for me when I had made him a priority. OP, kids are not stupid ... especially at these ages. Kids generally tend to be angry at the one who broke the home (him), and they will find out eventually (talk with a child therapist about this for a 2nd opinion). They sure aren't stupid. They know what you and he are doing and Radu is right; what behavior do you want them to emulate? I will say this - your new guy is NOT going to hang around for long with this type of dysfunctional drama going on all the time, so tread very lightly I cannot believe that he is still hanging around, knowing your ex is also hanging around. I'm not sure if that is a good sign either. Goodness, you have a mess. You will, of course, do what you will, but maybe it would be better for you to take care of yourself and your children and be without either man right now. It is really difficult to think clearly when you are in the middle of the mess. Good luck.
alexandria35 Posted May 3, 2012 Posted May 3, 2012 Well first of all your ex is a big freaking waste of your time. His behaviour is disgusting. He is remorseless and incredibly self serving. If he wanted you back then he would completely end things with the OW and go no contact with her, then he would go to counselling to sort himself out and he would rent his own place so that you both could have time and space to work on yourselves. The fact that he is telling you he wants to reconcille while he is openly still having the affair is hideous and totally insulting and disrespectful to you. I don't know how you can stand putting up with that. Why aren't you furious? And what about you? Are you doing your own bit of cake eating here too? You like the new guy but still welcome attention from your ex too. There doesn't have to be sex for it to be cheating. In a way you are cheating the new guy and leading both men on. Sounds like you are comparing them and sizing one up against the other trying to decide which one you want. What difference does it make that your ex makes more money than the new guy? Your ex is an egotistical prick that you need to kick to the curb regardless of any new guy you might be seeing. Even if you weren't seeing anyone the ex is still complete crap. The fact that he's still seeing the OW is bad enough, but the fact that he is telling you he wants you and love you and misses you, all while blantantly seeing the OW is just beyond words. Can you not see how that's about ten times more disrespectful. What kind of dummy does he take you for? Does he think you're that pathetic to be flattered and wooed by such blantant lies? His behaviour shows contempt for you, not love.
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