Kcraw12 Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 I'm slightly confused on what to do, hence my visit to this website... I've been in a relationship for only 7months and for me it's too soon to really expect much. But I do expect a level of respect and comfort. There's a lot of fighting and a lot of it seems to end with him saying, "i'm a nobody and you don't care about my feelings." I really don't understand how he gets that sometimes because most times the reason for debate is because he won't share something or he's said something offensive and I try defending myself... He admitted to twisting my words sometimes to make me say things that sound terrible! I don't even know how I could respond to that. Anyway, that's not to say I don't cause fights too. (Our problem is probably that we're both stubborn.) The most recent fight has me wondering if I should really be in this relationship. He's a great guy, caring and sometimes says the sweetest things, but the bad things are starting to get too heavy. Recent fight: (Escalation from him acting suspicious over a girl whom there have been previous problems with. He apologized for that, knowing he made it seem a bit iffy and we later laughed about it... but it aroused other topics.)-----> Boyfriend- "I don't love you... but I hope with time I will grow fonder of you." Me: "Ok then. I can live with that." (wishes to leave topic alone now) Boyfriend: "I upset you" Me: "Yes, but I don't want you to lie. Anyway, I don't care about the matter for the moment.) *change topic* Boyfriend: "You don't care about my opinion or feelings. I have no feelings..." etc. Somehow I'm the bad guy again. I'm probably the idiot for saying 'I don't care.' Background: I have no good experience with guys. I've been thrown here and there by my father, 2 creeps and then a bad ex. My boyfriend has no relationship experience prior myself, therefore I completely understand the confusion in his feelings and am willing to give him time even though his wrods have left me pretty dented as he's the first guy I ever admitted feelings towards. But the fighting is driving me mad. We're both 17, if that helps. School is a major stress. Should we take a break? How do I stop the fighting? And. Would it be careless of me to make plans after school that he cannot follow me with?
Leigh 87 Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 Hi there:) It is nice of you to want to give him a chance to change into a guy you will be in a happy and ehalthy relationship with. Unfortunately, given you age and his no prior relationship experience, it is highly likely that he will not become a guy who will be able to provide you with a healthy, loving relationship. He needs, you both need, to grow up and mature a little, before being ready for a fully fledged relationship. Why don't you come onto this website, and read topics about what consitutes a healthy relationship; LEARN from a bunch of older, more experienced people, and also learn from your friends around you who haver relationships; most importantly, it would be wise to get councelling to deal with the abuse you have suffered ( if I read correctly) I would focus on making YOURSELF a healthy person, before getting into a relationship. You have only had bad role models of men, so you need to associate with positive, happy people and guys, and see how a few nice guys treat women and their girlfriends. If you have been through negative experiences with men, how are you supposed to KNOW what a healthy, loving relationship is? You literally need to LOOK at positive, nice guys, and see how they act around girls. You need positive guys and people in your life, so you know what right and wrong is in relationships, and what is unhealthy behaviour, that deviates from what your healthy, happy, kind guy friends do. As for your boyfriend? Maybe you can have a talk with him, and both agree that you need to learn more about what a more healthy relationship is? Healthy is NOT twisting words regularly, getting into fights more than once a week, and not resolving and FIXING the conflicts you have! Maybe you can grow and learn together; because your young, it will probably not last ( most people do not stay with their high schools weetheart these days, but plenty of people do). I think if u agreed to ACKNOWLEDGE you need to change, and actually research and work at changing the issues at hand, u could have a fun teen relationship, learn about heart ache and break up, and be better equipt for your next relationship. I would either: - work on yourself, ( surround yourself with positive people, so u know how healthy, happy people treat others) and leave your relationship - both agree u need to work on the issues, and find ways to fix things to stop the fighting, and make him stop saying off things, and twisting your answers; all the while, knowing it will not likely last due to your age, but that u will at least learn from your young relationship after it ends. - it is unlikely young relationships work at all, even under HEALTHY circumstances!!!! The fact u need to really work on things to be healthy and happy together, makes the chances even slimmer of you being togeher long term. Good luck, please try to learn about relationships and that fighting and twisting peopls words, and saying really off things ( saying he dos not love u is OFF - it is not normal to say " oh, I do not love u yet")
Author Kcraw12 Posted May 2, 2012 Author Posted May 2, 2012 Thanks for the advice. I do hope it works out and I will do my best to improve myself. I've seen about 2-3 teen relationships progress but the odds are very slim, as you say. I will talk to him tonight. :/
SincereOnlineGuy Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 Hi, This is somebody who is simply manipulating you. Any way you go, conversationally, he will find a way to bait you into feeling somewhat sorry for him, even though you did nothing wrong. It is important for you to be able to recognize that in another person in the present, so that, in fresher, future relationships you can strategize to NOT let a partner get very far down that path. It is like playing "Tic-Tac-Toe" in some ways, where the other person goes first, and puts an X in the center, and then you put an O on one of the corners, and they put an X in another corner, then you HAVE to counter by blocking their next move, and presto, you're trapped in a no-win situation. Usually, the way out, in conversation with a partner, is to show some vulnerability very early in the sequence (by stating your feelings, and beginning sentences with "I feel..." or "I think..." ) instead of playing their stupid game. Recognizing that sort of a partner is the most important part. Hope this makes you think.
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