Break up pain relapse?

[Savage4]

Hi everyone,

Looks like a good community here! Here's my story:

 

It's been about 1.5 months since my girlfriend broke up with me. When we first met we were both on the same page that we didn't want to be in a relationship. We started as 'friends with benefits' and over the course of time we became best friends. I knew it could be rocky territory and at one point she said we couldn't be sexual anymore. I knew she was developing feelings for me and I told her I understood. However she didn't really live up to her word, or at least not for very long before she was all over me again. We continued on as friends w/ benefits for many more months. Eventually she started going on dates with other guys. It was shortly after this point that I really started falling for her. After about two weeks of thinking about her non-stop I decided to ask her if she wanted to have an exclusive relationship and officially date. She was so excited and we were so happy.

 

She was going through a hard time because a few months prior her mother had been diagnosed with cancer. She told me that things might not be ideal considering her situation, and I told her that I had considered that, but wanted to be with her. Well it sure was a roller-coaster ride. Her mom progressively got worse over the next couple months. My girlfriend started falling into depression. She got fired from her job, had to drop out of uni, and was worried for the rest of her family.

 

In December she moved back home to care for her mom. We spent about half the days of the week together and became very close during this time. Her mother and the rest of her family loved me and told me I treated her so well. In January her mother passed away. It was a very hard and emotional time for everyone. I was by her side as much as she would let me be, but I told her I understood if she needed more alone time.

We continued on and I was her rock to lean against. I wanted so badly to do something, anything to take her pain away, but I was helpless. It broke my heart to see her struggling so much. She continued telling me that she loved me and I was one of the best things she still had in her life. She had talked about our future together often and I thought she was the 'one'.

 

I went on vacation in March for about 5 days which was the longest we hadn't seen each other since I could remember. She told me how she missed me and was lonely without me. She also mentioned my commitment to our relationship. I missed her so much when I was on vacation and was so excited to see her when I got back. She rained checked 1 or 2 days because she was so nauseous, knowing what she was about to do to me. Well, the next day she told me we need to have a serious talk. When we finally met up she broke me the news.

Said she didn't think we were meant to be. She had planned her life around mine and felt limited. She needed to be alone to get her life back on track since her mother's death. She said she felt guilty that she was bringing me down.

 

I was devastated. We had been through so much together I thought our relationship had weathered the storm. She led me on, up to the day before she left me. I invested so much in her and gave her my heart. All my dreams of our future together were ripped away from me. I started drinking to ease the pain and fell into depression.

 

A couple weeks later my curiosity got the best of me and I found her on a dating site looking for a relationship. What she described she was looking for sounded like a description of me and what we had together. My heart was in so much pain and I still couldn't sleep or eat. I contacted her to meet up and talk to get closure. She agreed and said she would be happy to. When the time came she bailed on me two more times. We ended up talking on the phone. I asked her for the truth with no sugarcoating. She said she was just looking for a friend on the dating site and that she didn't see herself dating again for a couple years. I don't know what to think about that. She said she met a new guy there and goes hiking (who knows what else) with him. I just don't understand why she thinks she needs a new guy to support her.

 

I think she fell out of love with me after her mom died. She said she loves me as a person but I guess she didn't actually feel the same way I felt about her. I want to believe she did but love can be such a weird painful thing. I just feel betrayed and like I have been living a lie. Within the month I have had a couple other losses and have lost everything I've know for the past year or two.

 

It has been about 3 weeks now with solid NC. I'm struggling so much not to drink and improve myself. I started exercising again and want to get back out there cause I'm tired of feeling so depressed and horrible every day. I was making progress but recently feel like I'm relapsing on the pain again. Interactions with new girls just remind me of her and how much I wish she was still in my life.

 

Thanks for reading, sorry it's so long

[Philosoraptor]

It sounds like you've accepted that she has made the choice to leave. All we can do is respect the choices of others and respect ourselves enough to allow for healing and moving on. Continue to work on yourself right now and foster your own growth. Do not look at anything that she has any sort of profile on. Doing so will only hurt you.

 

It's natural to have multiple relapses after your heart is broken. In these times we need to remind ourselves of what happened and continue to move forward for our own sake.

[getsback]

Mate it sounds like a really tough situation. And there could be so many reason's things turned out the way they did and there could still be so many outcomes.

 

Her Mom dying obviously had a huge impact on her, like it would anyone. It may have played a part in your split, it may not. She sounds like she is in a bad place and however much you may want to help her, at this point you can't.

 

I don't want to give false hope but, in time, she may come back. On the other hand, its just a likely she won't. Either way, the best possible thing you can do is to just go NC and live your life. However hard that may be at the moment.

[Savage4]

The past few days I have really been struggling not to think of her, more so than a week ago. I think it's because I'm less busy now and have too much time to sit around and think. We shared many memories together but it's ridiculous how much every little thing reminds me of her when I'm trying to go about my daily activities.

 

I always want to learn something from every relationship I'm in, when they end, so I can make myself better, but I find myself so puzzled with the answers I get. They never seem to add up. People and ex's tell me, 'it's not your fault, it's mine', but I've only ever been the dumpee. I think it makes it harder when there is no one to blame and you break up on "good terms." I'm looking for answers that I can't find, asking myself why, why, why?

 

She was my best friend, and I was hers, but maybe that's why she's on that dating site... looking for a new best friend. I don't know what to do. I thought she would have contacted me by now, but I haven't heard a peep from her.

 

Mother's day is coming up which I know is going to be incredibly painful for her. I was thinking of sending her a text letting her know I was thinking about her and her family. Her birthday is also coming up and I wanted to be able to be on friend-terms by then, even if just to see her for the day. It would be the first time meeting up since the breakup.

 

P.S. thank you for the responses

[Philosoraptor]

First, I wouldn't message her right now as you do not seem emotionally ready for that.

 

It's normal for everything to remind you of an ex. It happens and that is why it's important to make changes for yourself. Learn a new craft, find a new hobby... just start living for you and fostering your own growth.

 

Meeting with someone that does not want you is just self torture. You will leave sadder and with a million more questions as you analyze every single action they take.

[jazzyjack]

hey, keep the faith. it sucks and it hurts. but keep putting one foot in front of the other.