I really need some insight. He loves me but what's out

May 2, 2012

Sorry should read, he wants out

I've not been on here in a while.

I met this guy a year ago, but we only hung out as "friends with benefits", then he got back with his ex that he had broken up with 6 weeks prior to meeting me.

When I found out he got back with her, I cut him off. He told me he was happy I cut him off, but he was always there willing to hang out as friends.

Then when he knew I started to date again, he left his ex and wanted to be with me. Told me his feelings were strong and left his ex.

At that point my feelings for him were pretty much gone.

In any case, he sort of convinced me we should give it a go, I did and it was cool.

So we've been serious since last Nov.

We got along GREAT when we were friends and at the beginning of the relationship, but the last few months, we bicker a lot.

In any case, last week I told him I was really frustrated that he only wants to hang out friday and Saturday nights. Never wants to do much in the day and during the week we are both too busy.

Basically I told him "I don't want to be with a guy who doesn't really want to see me much"

I asked him if he was ok only seeing me Fri and sat night and he said he was.

I then told him "maybe we need to take some time apart so you can figure out what is it you want and if you think we can work on the things causing our relationship tension"

He said he was fine the way he was and that it was me who had to change

Then 3 days later, it was Friday night. This past weekend was our first weekend apart, but he txt me Friday at supper asking me what was up (he would normally call me, but now he was only txting), I told him I was eating supper and he says "ok" and that was it.

I txt him Friday night at 11:30 pm to ask if he was home and we had some txt back and forth, then I called him.

I thought he would be freaking that were apart, but he said "We are not going to work, I'm 100% sure but cannot even imagine you not in my life, so I want to be friends"

I told him I can't just be friends, too weird.

Then we talked again Saturday and I said "Don't you even want to try to make things work out with us" He said "I can't see us every going long term so I just want to be friends"

then he txt me on and off Saturday and he seemed pissed I wasn't asking him to hang out Sat night. told him I had plans. he txt me here and there and then we talked.

Sunday he wanted to help me with stuff around my house (he was insistent) So he came over, no hugs, kisses, like real friends. Then we came into the house and he was kissing me and we had sex.

Monday, I don't hear a peep from him, but he was posting things all over FB (he NEVER posts on his wall), saying about being alone, etc.

Then today he has the day off and txt to see what I was doing.

I didn't see him

So tonight I say "what are you doing? We can't have sex and be friends. Are you really sure we are done"

And says "yes, I am 100% sure, we can't get along and I don't see us long term, so if you can't be friends, I understand"

And this point, I was close to begging him to see the light.

He says he loves me a lot but he can't stand all the tension between us and doesn't see it changing.

I'm baffled! Last week he was not even talking about ending it, but I brought it up and it seems like he's bluffing and sees now I am really hurt and almost begging for him not to do this.

We are both in our mid 40's and come with a lot of past baggage from past relationships.

What up!???

Edited May 2, 2012 by RedDevil66

May 2, 2012

I'm almost thinking he was pissed I told him last week we needed some time apart and it almost calling my bluff.

Who wants to still be friends with an ex and call and txt them daily if they are done?

And he never initiated this last week. I did and I wonder if he would have said he was "done" had I not say "we need time apart"

I'm at a loss here

May 2, 2012

It's pretty clear he just wants to be FWB. If you want to continue that, that's fair enough, but considering you want more, and you can't stay friends with him if he doesn't give you more, you need to go NC with him. At the moment you're saying you want more, but giving him all the signs just to keep on as a FWB(sleeping with him when he comes over and inititiating contact all the time). What's changed?...nothing...it's the same as he was getting before!

May 2, 2012

I truly don't think he wants a FWB thing.

I somehow think he's bluffing. because there was not even talk of ending it last week when I talked about how frustrated I was, and told him maybe he needs to take time to figure out if he really wants to be in this.

Then next thing I know, he says he doesn't. But txt's all day, wants to be friends, wants to hang out and is posting on his FB things to get my attention,

He's always been terrified I was going to leave him for another guy. Says "You're the type of woman who will hook up in days" Which is SO not me

I'm really confused

May 2, 2012

Looks like he's going through a midlife crisis and you are caught in the middle of it.

May 2, 2012

I truly don't think he wants a FWB thing.
I somehow think he's bluffing. because there was not even talk of ending it last week when I talked about how frustrated I was, and told him maybe he needs to take time to figure out if he really wants to be in this.

Then next thing I know, he says he doesn't. But txt's all day, wants to be friends, wants to hang out and is posting on his FB things to get my attention,

He's always been terrified I was going to leave him for another guy. Says "You're the type of woman who will hook up in days" Which is SO not me

I'm really confused

I think you're bargaining and very much in denial.

The moment you said you wanted more out of the relationship, he bolted. As the relationship keeps progressing forward, you're going to have expectations i.e. spending more time together. The moment you laid out those expectations, he bolted. He didn't say, "Yes honey, I'd like to take this to the next level and spend more time with you." He can't fulfil those expectations because he does not want to be in a relationship that requires commitment, time and effort. It's possibly why he jumped and ran. He never mentioned ending it before because all along, the relationship has been on his terms. Now you have terms and expectations and it does not coincide with what he wants for himself.

You started out with him as friends with benefits. When they knows they can get the goods without any sort of commitment, they will always keep trying. Hiding behind the need to be friends is a way to get through the door. Example: He comes over under the pretense of a friend fixing things around the house and before you know it, you're having sex again.

He's terrified of you leaving because he won't have you as a prospect. He feels secure in knowing you will be available because you don't hook up. So, he knows you will be there. He may have feelings or even miss the comfort of you, but it's not strong or even enough for him to want to make a commitment to you or even have a relationship with you.

He's not bluffing. He just can't be with you under your terms. He certainly can be in an arrangement where you two are friends and possibly have you again in an FWB arrangement. It's no pressure for him and he's not expected to do anything more.

Edited May 2, 2012 by geegirl

May 2, 2012

i think i could have answered this just from the title.

there's no "but" involved with "he loves me".

if there's a "but" it means he doesn't love you and doesn't want to be with you. as for the sitch, you were sleeping with him and hoping he'd change and he didn't. he even started dating. that seems obvious if he's nailing you and then decides to see someone else, otherwise he'd ONLY want to see you.

right?

May 2, 2012

He's not "nailing"" anyone else?

Hmmm, well maybe he "bolted" cause I was asking for more time together, but he is very much a "long term relationship" guy.

but your theory is pretty interesting.

I know he feels lost now and needs the comforts, so in no way will I be there for him. He wants it over, it's over. Not interested in being his "friend"

Me really thinks that he thought we were going along ok, and then I brought up that I was not really happy and then he turned it around, almost like he "dumped before I could dump"

He will txt me every day saying "What's up". I reply "on my way home" and he will say "me too" and then end it there.

This has gone on for close to a week now

May 3, 2012

I will add to the ' but' theory. he can't love you if he doesn't eant to be with you. it sounds selfish of him if he just want to be friends because only a heatless man would keep you around as a friend when he knows you have feelings for him.

don't lie to yourselc and think hell chalnge his mind. if a guy truly wants to be with ue will go out of his way to see you talk to you be with you. I don't think there is an exception to the rule.

May 3, 2012

Hmmm, well maybe he "bolted" cause I was asking for more time together, but he is very much a "long term relationship" guy.

Really? He's a long term relationship type of guy? He even said that he doesn't see you both long term and even agreed not to be friends when he was being pushed to work on it. When someone tells you what you don't want to hear, listen. If he is a long term relationship type of guy, the moment you mentioned more time, he would have agreed. Most men who are LTR capable with the right woman and in the right relationship will want to push forward. You didn't break up with him but only told him that you both needed time so he could figure out what he wanted. If he wanted LTR, he would have said, "You know what, I want to take this further and work on us." Instead, he ran the other way. Clearly you are in denial. A guy that bolts is bolting because he's not interested in what's on the table. And when you asked him if he was happy with just seeing each other on Fridays and Saturdays, he said he was and didn't understand your need for more time. His terms are perfectly fine with him.

I know he feels lost now and needs the comforts, so in no way will I be there for him. He wants it over, it's over. Not interested in being his "friend"

Good for you.

Me really thinks that he thought we were going along ok, and then I brought up that I was not really happy and then he turned it around, almost like he "dumped before I could dump"

You didn't dump him. You just told him he needs time to figure out what he wants from the R since he doesn't want to spend more time. If that rattled him, then he would have appeased you and said that you're right and he'd like to spend more time and work things through. You both are in your 40s. Dump you before you dump me is juvenile. I think you are making excuses for him when the truth is right infront of you.

He will txt me every day saying "What's up". I reply "on my way home" and he will say "me too" and then end it there.

This has gone on for close to a week now

What's so amazing about petty texts? My ex used to do the same thing. It was to keep me on the backburner. Keep you engaged. Keep you attached. Keep you hoping and waiting around. What should be of significance is communication between the two of you wanting to spend time together, wanting to work on the relationship, wanting to move forward rather than magnifying and reading into piddly text messages like what's up, on way home, me too as significant signs of effort, commitment and love.

Edited May 3, 2012 by geegirl

May 3, 2012

I think you're bargaining and very much in denial.

The moment you said you wanted more out of the relationship, he bolted. As the relationship keeps progressing forward, you're going to have expectations i.e. spending more time together. The moment you laid out those expectations, he bolted. He didn't say, "Yes honey, I'd like to take this to the next level and spend more time with you." He can't fulfil those expectations because he does not want to be in a relationship that requires commitment, time and effort. It's possibly why he jumped and ran. He never mentioned ending it before because all along, the relationship has been on his terms. Now you have terms and expectations and it does not coincide with what he wants for himself.

You started out with him as friends with benefits. When they knows they can get the goods without any sort of commitment, they will always keep trying. Hiding behind the need to be friends is a way to get through the door. Example: He comes over under the pretense of a friend fixing things around the house and before you know it, you're having sex again.

He's terrified of you leaving because he won't have you as a prospect. He feels secure in knowing you will be available because you don't hook up. So, he knows you will be there. He may have feelings or even miss the comfort of you, but it's not strong or even enough for him to want to make a commitment to you or even have a relationship with you.

He's not bluffing. He just can't be with you under your terms. He certainly can be in an arrangement where you two are friends and possibly have you again in an FWB arrangement. It's no pressure for him and he's not expected to do anything more.

hmmm, again, food for thought

May 3, 2012

Geegirl,

You should be charging people for this! You keep saying exactly what I'm thinking.

RedDevil-You already laid down the foundation in your relationship.(FWB)There's no coming back from that.

The only thing I can add to Geegirls' adivice would be, do not respond to his petty texts.He just wants to make sure you're "on your way home" or "eating supper", waiting for him to come back, while he's out persueing other women.You're unconsiously giving him even more courage to do his thing.

It's hard but you are going to have to really let him see what life is like without you...

Let him go!

May 3, 2012

Hmmm, well maybe he "bolted" cause I was asking for more time together, but he is very much a "long term relationship" guy.

Really? He's a long term relationship type of guy? He even said that he doesn't see you both long term and even agreed not to be friends when he was being pushed to work on it. When someone tells you what you don't want to hear, listen. If he is a long term relationship type of guy, the moment you mentioned more time, he would have agreed. Most men who are LTR capable with the right woman and in the right relationship will want to push forward. You didn't break up with him but only told him that you both needed time so he could figure out what he wanted. If he wanted LTR, he would have said, "You know what, I want to take this further and work on us." Instead, he ran the other way. Clearly you are in denial. A guy that bolts is bolting because he's not interested in what's on the table. And when you asked him if he was happy with just seeing each other on Fridays and Saturdays, he said he was and didn't understand your need for more time. His terms are perfectly fine with him.

I know he feels lost now and needs the comforts, so in no way will I be there for him. He wants it over, it's over. Not interested in being his "friend"

Good for you.

Me really thinks that he thought we were going along ok, and then I brought up that I was not really happy and then he turned it around, almost like he "dumped before I could dump"

You didn't dump him. You just told him he needs time to figure out what he wants from the R since he doesn't want to spend more time. If that rattled him, then he would have appeased you and said that you're right and he'd like to spend more time and work things through. You both are in your 40s. Dump you before you dump me is juvenile. I think you are making excuses for him when the truth is right infront of you.

He will txt me every day saying "What's up". I reply "on my way home" and he will say "me too" and then end it there.
This has gone on for close to a week now

What's so amazing about petty texts? My ex used to do the same thing. It was to keep me on the backburner. Keep you engaged. Keep you attached. Keep you hoping and waiting around. What should be of significance is communication between the two of you wanting to spend time together, wanting to work on the relationship, wanting to move forward rather than magnifying and reading into piddly text messages like what's up, on way home, me too as significant signs of effort, commitment and love.

You're right on all counts!

I am in denial, I just can't believe he's willing to throw it away.

Oh well

Now should I just cut him off totally?! Like NC

May 3, 2012

I will add to the ' but' theory. he can't love you if he doesn't eant to be with you. it sounds selfish of him if he just want to be friends because only a heatless man would keep you around as a friend when he knows you have feelings for him.
don't lie to yourselc and think hell chalnge his mind. if a guy truly wants to be with ue will go out of his way to see you talk to you be with you. I don't think there is an exception to the rule.

This is very true

May 3, 2012

Geegirl,

You should be charging people for this! You keep saying exactly what I'm thinking.

If anything, I owe it all to the douchebags that have crossed my path!

May 3, 2012

You're right on all counts!
I am in denial, I just can't believe he's willing to throw it away.

Oh well

Now should I just cut him off totally?! Like NC

Well, sometimes it's hard to fathom the actions of others. What is valuable to you, may not be to someone else and for reasons we will never know. Maybe it's a lack of maturity, emotional availability, etc. We can't project our needs and wants or our views of the R on someone else. If someone is not on the same page as you are, it's time to turn it.

You should cut him off. I am sure he'll be texting you and throwing bait. You just have to ask yourself if you want to go through Round 2 again or move on. He might even come back and make promises that he loves you and wants to try and that's a risk only you can take. Always remember that the reasons why he broke up with you before are still there. He may come back because he misses the attachment and nothing more. If you decide to go back, set boundaries for yourself and if he cannot follow through, then you will have your answer. Until then, NC and move forward.

May 3, 2012

Looks like he's going through a midlife crisis and you are caught in the middle of it.

GIGS ?

He's not "nailing"" anyone else?

Hummmm... I'd bet he still has the ex somehow in the wings..

Maybe he isn't nailing her but she might be the reason for the lack of the weekday commitment.

The whole FB exchange about him being so lonely.. does he have any ex's friends on FB or do you think those were directed solely at you ?

If they were for you then I'd agree with the couple of posters above that say he can't live life on your terms and wants it on his terms..

You have every right to be and live a happy life... so don't feel bad for making your boundary's drawn in the sand...

May 3, 2012

GIGS ?

Hummmm... I'd bet he still has the ex somehow in the wings..
Maybe he isn't nailing her but she might be the reason for the lack of the weekday commitment.
The whole FB exchange about him being so lonely.. does he have any ex's friends on FB or do you think those were directed solely at you ?
If they were for you then I'd agree with the couple of posters above that say he can't live life on your terms and wants it on his terms..

You have every right to be and live a happy life... so don't feel bad for making your boundary's drawn in the sand...

His ex is out of the picture, but you never know. When I met him, he left her, then 6 weeks later, they got back together. He would tell me he was not too into her, but her knows.

No his lack of weekday commitment is he just started a new job that he needs to get up at 3 am to do, so I understand that. He would call me every night and we would talk and he is always accessible.

No ex's friends, All deleted. He would often post when him and I were in some turmoil. Other than then, I never see him post a thing.

It was to get my attention for sure.

There is NO DOUBT he wants all of this on his terms. He even said "our downfall is going to be that you have a backbone""

His ex's were all really meek (no jobs, never drove, quiet and passive)

He said "you need to adjust to me, not me to you" It's almost like a power thing

I need to be happy, I am a great GF and he seems like he is trying to hurt me to get me to submit. He also told me he knew he was pushing me away

May 3, 2012

Well, sometimes it's hard to fathom the actions of others. What is valuable to you, may not be to someone else and for reasons we will never know. Maybe it's a lack of maturity, emotional availability, etc. We can't project our needs and wants or our views of the R on someone else. If someone is not on the same page as you are, it's time to turn it.

You should cut him off. I am sure he'll be texting you and throwing bait. You just have to ask yourself if you want to go through Round 2 again or move on. He might even come back and make promises that he loves you and wants to try and that's a risk only you can take. Always remember that the reasons why he broke up with you before are still there. He may come back because he misses the attachment and nothing more. If you decide to go back, set boundaries for yourself and if he cannot follow through, then you will have your answer. Until then, NC and move forward.

He has a lot of trouble with his emotions for sure. He could not even say my name until like a month ago.

I will cut him off, I won't ignore him, I will just let him know I cannot just be friends.

He has too much pride to come back, though he may. I know he really loves me, but again who knows.

NC it has to be :-(

thank you

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I really need some insight. He loves me but what's out

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