ThaWholigan Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 I am just about comfortable dealing with my dateless situation, in fact I'm not even looking seriously. However as we know there are men on this forum (yes, and women), who are having problems dating or even being able to have sex. Simple question, is there a lack of empathy going on, as they seem to suggest??
dasein Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 People bend over backwards with the empathy at first, some posters get fed up with having advice constantly second-guessed, distorted or even ignored, and take a harsh tone to repetitive threads and posts in reaction to that. Empathy lessens in time. Just human nature. 2
threebyfate Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 People get tired of being soul-sucked. When this happens, I lose all patience and wander off. This is all volunteer time and energy to help people who either don't want to or refuse to help themselves. They'd rather remain the victim since it's the role they're most comfortable adopting. 2
Author ThaWholigan Posted May 2, 2012 Author Posted May 2, 2012 I hear both of you. I have given a lot of advice to them myself, even though I am nowhere near up to the point where I am successful at dating, but I at least have some peace about my dating situation and what I have to do. I do sometimes sense that there is a level of mocking that tends to exacerbate their current mindset, but in the end the opposite seems to not make much difference either, admittedly. I think this thread is a perfect platform to solidify a set of objectives for those who are dateless too, as well as explain to them exactly why there is a lack of empathy and what they have to do to help themselves without just going "it's not going to work".
SteveC80 Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 I think sometimes it can be like talking to a brick wall to some people who dont look for problems but like to whine more then anything else For people with true problems i empathize but try to be as non pc as possible,some like to sugarcoat and give some fluff cliches to make it seem like they want to help these people out and its hollow and meaningless at times,some people also speak from theri expereince it doesnt mena it wil lhelp someone else I cant type with a straight face: have confidence be assertive and love yourself and the opposite sex will magically flock to you because sometimes its quite frankly bs I have friends i knew from when they were young with their looks lack of personality masculinty that theyd never attract women and i unforutnately was right 1
iris219 Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 I haven't felt a compete lack of empathy for my situation (perpetual singleness). I've felt a lack of understanding from some and distrust from others (i.e. they seem to think I'm lying), which might be linked to a lack of empathy. Many people don't know what advice to give to a woman who has desirable qualities, but continually meets duds, and I understand that.
joystickd Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 There is a lack of understanding when it comes to the opposite gender. A dateless women to man is like come on you have a vagina someone will date you and with a dateless man its like come on be a man and quit whining. Men and women think the opposite gender has it easier. We both have sets of challenges to overcome. 3
zengirl Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 I have empathy up until the point where I sense: (a) The poster is unwilling to help themselves. (b) The poster blames everyone else for his/her problems to the point where they think they 'deserve' something. Entitlement complexes get no empathy from me. © The person claims their pain is superior to other kinds of pain in the world and no one can possibly understand it -- this usually happens if you ever disagree with any of their flawed beliefs that lead them to be in the position in the first place. Even then, I sometimes continue to have sympathy and help, but my desire to really empathize begins to fade. I really do feel bad for people sometimes, but most of the continually knocked-down people don't seem to want to help themselves. When someone like that seems to be making a step forward, I try very hard to encourage that. 4
fortyninethousand322 Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 There are two threads from last year (about a few months after I joined) that demonstrated to me, the opinion of certain posters towards dateless or perpetually single men. Longtime posters know exactly which threads I'm referring to. Those were depressing extremely aggravating threads. To me, it showed how negatively inexperienced men are viewed (not just online but overall). That being said, I actually like that. I enjoy hearing honest, no punches pulled opinions. I prefer that over a website that would cater to guys like me which usually leads to groupthink and bias. 2
Author ThaWholigan Posted May 2, 2012 Author Posted May 2, 2012 I have empathy up until the point where I sense: (a) The poster is unwilling to help themselves. (b) The poster blames everyone else for his/her problems to the point where they think they 'deserve' something. Entitlement complexes get no empathy from me. © The person claims their pain is superior to other kinds of pain in the world and no one can possibly understand it -- this usually happens if you ever disagree with any of their flawed beliefs that lead them to be in the position in the first place. Even then, I sometimes continue to have sympathy and help, but my desire to really empathize begins to fade. I really do feel bad for people sometimes, but most of the continually knocked-down people don't seem to want to help themselves. When someone like that seems to be making a step forward, I try very hard to encourage that. The same, I always try to encourage someone when their making at least a step forward. I am beginning to recognize that it's very difficult for some to broaden their viewpoint and adjust the way they look at things. So I think the best thing they can do is become more accepting of the way they think, the way they see things, and find out how to express that as positively as possible and to their benefit, while adding improvements whenever they can.
irc333 Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 There is a lack of understanding when it comes to the opposite gender. A dateless women to man is like come on you have a vagina someone will date you and with a dateless man its like come on be a man and quit whining. Men and women think the opposite gender has it easier. We both have sets of challenges to overcome. I used to always think that only one gender had it easier than the other....always thought women had it easier when it comes to dating, but maybe I'm wrong, they just have it just as bad, but in a somewhat different way?
Author ThaWholigan Posted May 2, 2012 Author Posted May 2, 2012 There are two threads from last year (about a few months after I joined) that demonstrated to me, the opinion of certain posters towards dateless or perpetually single men. Longtime posters know exactly which threads I'm referring to. Those were depressing extremely aggravating threads. To me, it showed how negatively inexperienced men are viewed (not just online but overall). That being said, I actually like that. I enjoy hearing honest, no punches pulled opinions. I prefer that over a website that would cater to guys like me which usually leads to groupthink and bias. Agreed. Not many people know this, but I used to post on the Loveshy forum a while back. I ended up there after feeling a little embarrassed about my love life. It's a forum full of guys in the same position as us, dateless, sexless and lack of ability to attract women. However, the groupthink and bias was SO STRONG, that I quickly realised that I did not fit in with any of their views. At all. They identified with Sodini and people like that, and after they got trolled by WGW, I left. I was even more embarrassed to be on that forum than I was of the fact that I was a dateless virgin. So yeah, I was happy to find forums like this, and wrongplanet etc.
zengirl Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 The same, I always try to encourage someone when their making at least a step forward. I am beginning to recognize that it's very difficult for some to broaden their viewpoint and adjust the way they look at things. So I think the best thing they can do is become more accepting of the way they think, the way they see things, and find out how to express that as positively as possible and to their benefit, while adding improvements whenever they can. That feels like enabling to me, so I can't do that, personally. I try to be supportive of the person without supporting the unproductive things they do --- they often seem to feel it's not supportive, of course, so I clearly don't do it perfectly. I just think enabling is a really bad road to go down. I've had my own negativity and destructive patterns enabled, and it kept me stagnant for years. 2
joystickd Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 I will say there is an even more lack of empathy for the people have had some success in dating but are dateless due to their bitterness from bad relationships and the fact they took a lot of negativity and crazy expectations from the opposite gender. It shows when users talk about not dating someone that has done this or that. That situation is totally different than someone that has never really dated
somedude81 Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 I'm confused, what is this thread actually about? Having empathy for the people that are struggling or that the people struggling don't have empathy.
El Brujo Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 IMO it's not a lack of empathy, it's just out and out mean-spiritedness. Men and women withhold love from each other just to get their jollies.
Author ThaWholigan Posted May 2, 2012 Author Posted May 2, 2012 I'm confused, what is this thread actually about? Having empathy for the people that are struggling or that the people struggling don't have empathy. The former..
Author ThaWholigan Posted May 2, 2012 Author Posted May 2, 2012 That feels like enabling to me, so I can't do that, personally. I try to be supportive of the person without supporting the unproductive things they do --- they often seem to feel it's not supportive, of course, so I clearly don't do it perfectly. I just think enabling is a really bad road to go down. I've had my own negativity and destructive patterns enabled, and it kept me stagnant for years. I hear you, I wouldn't enable someone to think negatively or behave unproductively. I would merely try to redirect the energy they currently have. It is like a brickwall sometimes, I felt it with myself even at times, when I was feeling upset about where I was.
jobaba Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 There is a lack of empathy in the dating world in general. Basically, everybody establishes their baseline for the best they can get and aims right above that. And then shares their stories about picking and choosing between the very best that they can get and what those people might be able to do for them. Anybody lower than their baseline can suck a@@. Which includes men who can't get laid. Honestly, if I were a halfway decent looking woman, I'd have picked the closest one of these guys who seemed like a decent guy, PMed them, had them come over to my apartment, f@ck me, and then date them for a little while. If you're a woman who's already gotten with a dozen douchebag guys just because they were hot, what's getting with another guy, knowing you just changed his life.
threebyfate Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 The former..The rule of LS appears to be that no good deed deserves to go unpunished. When you try to help some of these members, all you get is abuse. Same shyte, different year so after awhile, why bother if they're so determined to anchor themselves to their blatantly inaccurate inner worlds? Emotionally exhausting since they're endless sinkholes of negativity.
joystickd Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 The rule of LS appears to be that no good deed deserves to go unpunished. When you try to help some of these members, all you get is abuse. Same shyte, different year so after awhile, why bother if they're so determined to anchor themselves to their blatantly inaccurate inner worlds? Emotionally exhausting since they're endless sinkholes of negativity. I wouldn't say anchored because this is the reality they experience. Being a form dateless wonder I see most come on here as a kind of vent and to seek advice at the same time but its hard to accept it because 1. Its hard to accept there maybe some responsibility on their part for the lack of dating 2. The advice is always questionable because they can't see it in action 3. There are some that actually are looking for the answer meaning instead taking the advice where they have to be proactive they want advice where its do this and what you want happens.
somedude81 Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 Honestly, I don't give a crap about empathy. People saying that they feel sorry for me isn't going to change the world or get me laid. All I want is the same amount of respect given to everybody else.
Leigh 87 Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 Honestly, I don't give a crap about empathy. People saying that they feel sorry for me isn't going to change the world or get me laid. All I want is the same amount of respect given to everybody else. Mann, sex is great, lack of it sucks, it is a natural, healthy desire, and I think most people WOULD feel bad that u have had to go without such a aought after, desired thing. It would effing SUCK! You know - empathy , GREAT word in your predicament - your smart, not ugly, and no one should feel SORRY for you, u can have an amazing life if u try for it hard enough and take opportunities... However, yes, it WOULD suck that u do not get sex often or at all, with attractive women. Moreover, I also feel badly u have no experiences loving, joyful relationships with great girls ( attractive or not, same diff). Really, people. Please. Having sex occasionally, and having loving, meaningful relationships is a great joy in life, and people lacking it ARE missing out and so it is natural to feel badly for them.
Leigh 87 Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 There is a lack of empathy in the dating world in general. Basically, everybody establishes their baseline for the best they can get and aims right above that. And then shares their stories about picking and choosing between the very best that they can get and what those people might be able to do for them. Anybody lower than their baseline can suck a@@. Which includes men who can't get laid. Honestly, if I were a halfway decent looking woman, I'd have picked the closest one of these guys who seemed like a decent guy, PMed them, had them come over to my apartment, f@ck me, and then date them for a little while. If you're a woman who's already gotten with a dozen douchebag guys just because they were hot, what's getting with another guy, knowing you just changed his life. I was 112 lbs, huge tits, great ass, model body ( literally) when I met my boyfriend ( man.. point is I had a very hot body, prob a perfect 10 to a lot of guys, and a cute face). No I have lost that body now but BESIDES THE POINT: That is how I met my boyfriend. When I has a model body, worked out hours every day, and could have very hot guys. I did not find him to be that attractive at first and thought we had nothing in common. Turns out, he is the best thing for me, and has changed me for the better. Mann, if I had been superficial like I was before him, I would have missed out on the best guy I have ever had, wh is amazing and is so attractive to me in every way JUST because I wanted the HOTTEST GUY I could get. I assume hot guys have girls throwing themselves at them, OR they can at least go and pick up whenever they want, so I am turned off dating them, and would ONLY date them if we became friends, they got to know me well, and fell totally in love with my persnality. ........SERIOUSLY. Hot girls out there ( I am not that hot now) but HOT hot girls, DO yourselves a favour and meet with average looking dudes who have amazing, outstanding pesonalities, and u will be treated SO WELL, and have such joy in your lives MUCH EASIER AND QUICKER than if u only wait around for guys who are very hot right off the bat. I just feel the hot girls are missing out on remarkable people; they limit themselves to 20% of men, meaning they will miss out on really, really realllly great people who could make them SO happy. It is crazy haha. 1
ohmygoshistalk Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 I am just about comfortable dealing with my dateless situation, in fact I'm not even looking seriously. However as we know there are men on this forum (yes, and women), who are having problems dating or even being able to have sex. Simple question, is there a lack of empathy going on, as they seem to suggest?? Do you think that there could be a possibility your location affects your dating life? If you can change that it would be great, move to a larger city or something and get a job there.
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