Learing to cope

[Annie Lee]

I'm new to this forum so hi everyone! I've been having a hard time coping with the fact I that broke up with someone I loved for 4 years, 9 months ago. This story is long but please, I need advice.

 

I met him in 2007 and eveything started off great and a year into the relationship we started to talk about marriage. As much as I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him I worried about getting married to him because he was not financially stable. I have a great full-time job, a 4 year degree, savings, great credit, own my own home and car. He on the other hand had none of the above, except a full-time minimum wage job he complained about but did nothing to better himself or to find a better job. We never lived together because he could not afford to move out of his mom's house. After 2 years I told him he needed to go to school or get a better job and needed to start clearing his debt for our future. He enrolls at the university for 2 courses and drops 1 after a month because he said it was hard with his full-time job. I worked full-time and went to school full-time and was pissed he gave up so easy.

 

One day his car gave out so I, stupidly financed a car in my name only because his credit was so bad. I helped with half his payments all the time then one day I got into an argument with him and broke it off for a month. We get back together and I find out months later he pursed a co-worker and when I confronted him he lied and 4 days later admited to it. We talk it out and we move on happily. Then he decides a year later he wants to go to a $40,000 culinary school in another city because he does not want to go to Uni. or Community C. because of the basic courses. I tried to convince him that it is too much $ for a trade school, but he was right and I was wrong. So he goes, moves in with a childhood friend and I get stuck making full car payments because he left without a job. I fly and visit him often but I had started to feel as I needed to get out of this relationship. But I felt we will be married soon and I love him so it's ok. Then I start catching him in white lies while we are long distance. So in the middle of an argument over the phone, we start saying some pretty nasty things to one another, but he said something that ripped my heart out and I ended.

 

He called and begged me for 1 week but I was so hurt by what he said I completely ignored him. Throught our 4 years together I felt I was always contributing to the relationship. I always lent him money he never paid back, paid for the majority of everything and was there emotionally and whenever he needed me. He also traveled alot with my family and me. He gave little in return. So I gave him 6 months to get car out of my name and for 3 of these months I harassed him by text daily about the car and was pretty nasty about it at times. He started making the full car payment on his own 2 months before I dumped him. Then I take the car back because I found out he moved to another city. I also found out from my local police department that he has not had a DL since 2001, has 33 traffic violations over 9 years, and 3 current traffic warrants. He also did not take care of the car. I feel so damn stupid but I also miss him and care for him so much. A friend of mine in his current city contacted him and she got the car back from him. I also found out he has been hanging out with some girl thru FB but he said they are just friends when he called me crying not to take the car away. He told me in that phone conversation that he finished school and that he still cared about me but I don't believe him.

 

I have gone NC since I took the car back 7 weeks ago and it hurts that he didn't care that he lost me, especially after everything my family and I did for him. He has never tried to contact me except for the 1 week immediately after I dumped him and when he called about the car. I know he took me for granted and used me but I can't stop thinking about him and missing him??? Everyone tells me to get over it but it has been so hard.

Edited May 1, 2012 by Annie Lee

[Mr Scorpio]

Wow. Your situation is not that different from mine the first time I got dumped.

 

My ex worked her *** off to put herself through community college (she was valedictorian), a highly respected four-year school, and a top-ranked graduated program where she finished with a 3.9. She had a well paying career and her own place.

 

I had a worthless four-year degree and was enrolled in one grad-school course when she dumped me. I worked a part-time job and stayed up late playing video games and watching TV.

 

Granted, we had very different upbringings that molded us into the people we were. Still, her ambition and planning was light-years beyond mine. Nevertheless, she was absolutely justified in dumping me. I dare say you were even more justified in leaving your ex.

 

Hell, I work two part-time jobs and volunteer at a local firm while attending lawschool on weekends, and I assume no self-respecting accomplished woman would want anything to do with me.

 

In other words, you can do better.

[Annie Lee]

Mr Scorpio don't ever sell yourself short. You work 2 part time jobs, volunteer at a firm and attend law school...that is great! My ex always wanted the easy way out of everything, he wanted everything without working for it. I tried and gave him all I could because I thought I was investing in our future. He was content with working minimum wage for years and did not have any goals. It took him 3 years to go to a trade school that will give him more minimum wage jobs. He said he finished school and he moved to another city. I feel dumb because now it seems he is getting his act together and moved on with another girl AFTER I dumped him. Believe it or not I have regrets about dumping him because I love him and he was a part of my life for 4 years. It saddens me that I was only worth calling me for a week after I dumped him. Not that I expected him to grovel at my feet but I wondered why did I always make the effort to fly to see him and all I got was 1 week of calls?? Now I'm left with regrets and wondering "what if" I answered his calls in that week after I dumped him. I feel horrible for completely ignoring him and never calling him back. I was pretty mean with him in my words when dealing with him thru texts about the car. I feel like a horrible evil person, especially for taking the car while he was starting to make payments.

[Mr Scorpio]

Don't feel bad. My ex co-signed on a car loan for me. When I was late with a payment she was sure to let me know that it wasn't just my credit that I was screwing with my being late. The same applies to him even more so.

 

A guy with that many traffic violations, no drivers license, no ambition, and not enough forethought to not attend a trade-school that results only in more minimum wage jobs would only have dragged you down the same way I would have dragged my ex down.

 

You deserve someone who wants the same things and has the same standards that you do. As my ex explained to me after dumping me the first time, it didn't matter if I changed my behavior at that point, because I would have been doing it for her and not for me. The same applies to your ex.

 

As for the not calling you for more than a week, I can identify with that. I sent my ex one groveling e-mail. Anything else beyond that would have only served to make me feel even worse about myself. Given that you ignored your ex's attempts -- and rightfully so -- he probably felt the same way.

[Annie Lee]

Thanks for your input Mr Scorpio. I am starting to realize that I deserved a little more from him. I just need time to get rid of the guilt I feel and time to just get over the whole thing.

Edited May 2, 2012 by Annie Lee

[Dragonsden]

No worries Annee Lee. I make eight times as much as my ex and I got dumped. She always reminded me how good I was to her and yet she left me for another guy without any logical explanation.

If she can do what she did to a guy like me, you have no reason to feel any guilt for ending a destructive relatioship.

[Annie Lee]

Thanks Dragonsden, I just have to keep reminding myself everyday that it wasn't a great relationship.

[samslick]

Our stories are very very similar (here's mine if you want to read through it:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/305379-i-gave-too-many-chances)

Only in my case we were together for 8 years, and married for 2. I ended up having to file for divorce as I was going insane and totally neglected myself for the duration of our marriage.

 

I filed in november of 2011, and Im just now beginning to regain who I was. I lost 20 pounds because I couldn't eat since I was so tore up. Time has been a blur as almost every single day I thought about her and her family and how much I missed the good times, felt like I was just in a giant fog and nothing else mattered. I still think about the whole mess at least once a day if not more, but it doesn't consume me like it used to.

 

Keep busy with new hobbies, reconnect with old friends, spend time with family, exercise, eat well. I do things now just to tire me out so I dont lay in bed thinking about her and all the what if's. As much as I want to remarry and have a family, I can't even begin to think about dating now and getting back out there. It'll be probably over 9-10 years since I've been on a date lol.

 

It does get easier as time goes on, and its something that you have to figure out on your own as everyone greives for the end of a relationship differently.

 

Watch the movie Swingers, Jon Favreau goes through a break up and the movie chronicles his progression in getting through it and starting over.

[Exit]

If financial security and an ambitious partner are important to you, then it was right of you to leave. On top of that, if he was lying and other stuff, even moreso. But I do say "if it's important to you", because some people simply don't care how successful their partner is. You were trying to change him into something that he is apparently not ready to be, and that never works out. You loved him, yet apparently not enough that his lifestyle did not bother you. Yet now that you ended it, you miss him.

 

But the main thing that stuck out to me is your last paragraph, you making the judgment that he didn't care enough about you because he only tried changing your mind for about a week. I think that's a really unfair thing to do to someone. You're basically a step away from admitting that ending the relationship was a type of test, and the way you worded it, that a week of trying wasn't enough to impress you, makes it sound as though maybe if he tried for X amount of time or made X amount of moves to get you back, you would have considered it. You have to realize the stigma that surrounds the idea of being an ex who never gives up. Do you know how many girls have been in your shoes but have felt the exact opposite way, the guy won't stop calling, makes an ass of himself, won't take no for an answer, etc? He may very well have been smart enough to know how horrible it is to do that to someone and how foolish you can make yourself look when you keep chasing a dead relationship. It may have nothing to do with not caring about you.

 

In my opinion, I think you're looking at it completely the wrong way. You think someone who cares about you wouldn't have stopped trying to change your mind. But maybe, just maybe, he cared about you enough to think to himself, "alright, I guess if this person has made a decision that they don't want to be with me, the most caring thing I can do is let them go. I tried talking to her for a week and it got me nowhere". People put the whole "if you love something, let it go" philosophy on a pedestal, and it seems like your ex was able to do that, but then he gets labelled as not caring enough because he decided to back off. Thus the damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don't position you are in when you get dumped. Bug your ex endlessly and soon enough you'll be labelled a psycho stalker. Give up after a week of trying, and little does he know his ex is on an website saying she feels like he didn't care enough to keep trying.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm just playing devil's advocate. Is it possible that he stopped trying to change your mind simply because he didn't care that much, had someone else lined up already, or any other number of reasons? Sure. And maybe you made exactly the right decision to ignore his initial attempts, and upon seeing that they stopped after only 1 week, you figured there must have not been much worth saving. But I guess I've been the dumped guy too many times that I can't help but see if from the other perspective I've outlined above. What was the guy supposed to do? He respected your decision and left you alone after only 1 week of reaching out to you. Look around on the forums here and see how many people struggle with No Contact and bug their exes endlessly. You seem to be saying you would have felt more loved by this person if he chose to ignore your decision to remove him from your life, kept calling, made a surprise appearance at your house, or something like that. Some people might have the guts to try stuff like that. Other people figure okay, this person dumped me, I guess I will let them go.

 

It makes your breakup sound kind of passive aggressive, like maybe you didn't really want it to end, but you wanted to do something drastic to see what kind of reaction it would get out of him. The better thing to do would have been to ask for this sign of affection prior to ending the relationship. To tell the person that you needed to know this was worth fighting for, otherwise you might consider ending it. If he failed the test, then you could have left with a clean conscience. Instead of putting the relationship to the test and then deciding whether or not to end it, you used ending the relationship as the test itself, to see how long he would beg or apologize for you to come back, and apparently a week of trying was all he had to offer.

 

I'm not saying you lost a total gem here. Someone with financial issues, a long history of traffic violations, etc, may not be the person you wanted to spend your life with, but I hope for your sake you don't come to realize that you may have done things in the wrong order here. I would not dump someone unless I was entirely sure that we were meant to go our separate ways, and that's that. Dumping someone, and then trying to gauge how hard they try to change your mind, is kind of an ineffective way to judge what the relationship was worth. Did he really not care that much, or did he care as much as he possibly could by choosing to stop bugging you and honor your decision? I fear that if I were in your shoes, that question would bother me a lot.

[Annie Lee]

Actually no, what bothers me is that his "MAN" thought I would be his doormat forever. Thats really what bothers me the most. Today I actually realized that he was and is a waste of time. I have no need for him or to be upset anymore.

[Annie Lee]

samslick, I read your story and I can't believe how she treated you. Hope you are doing much better now. Thanks for sharing your story.

[IfiKnewThen]

there many books i read..including ones john grey wrote.... men really dont want to feel like they owe you, or that you do more for them. sometimes we have to...to help a spouse out or want to because we like to give. but even if they accept this help, they feel demoralized a lot. and even when they are wrong...making them feel demoralized unknowingly, makes matters far worse.

 

its one thing to "encourage" their attributes and verbally champion and support that they can do whatever they want in life.....but to push....pushes them , further away.

 

 

he was not your husband yet. this was still the dating game no matter how many years you were together. so the giving sounds like it made him not pursue you but feel spoiled by and obligated towards you, which is NOT the same as being attracted to you. there may have been an initial love and attraction between you, but his feeling inadequate helped bring this to ruin. i have seen this first hand.

 

they want to feel like men. even if they dont act like it or deserve to be treated like one. they need to learn how to earn that feeling and giving them things doesnt help them feel they earned it. beating them down verbally for it...adds to the situation. not saying you did this at all. they will see you as a mom now in the mom role. that takes away from attraction too. in the future. ...no matter how much you want to give, DONT. but dont tell a guy why you feel like this. just don't give. let him give to YOU! when he does...however small.......thank him and show appreciation and show you are happy. then he will want to give more and more and feel good about himself, when he does. this is how he learns to want to give more and becomes independent.

 

you can not have a mom role. i know you didn't do this on purpose. but it developed into feeling that way on his end and yours. and that KILLS attraction. period.

 

this does NOT mean this is your fault. this is just to say.....in the future. dont give so much. or let anyone really know what you have to give. they can see that. just make them feel good about what they have to give and they will give more. if they are good decent people and the real attraction for u is there. just dont kill the attraction you have for each other.