Crossroads

[Sunflower22]

Hi everyone,

I I need some unbiased opinions. My husband travels for work and we have two very young children. One just turned 2 and the other is 5 months old. I also work 3 days in the office, two days at home. My mom and dad watch the kids the 3 days I'm in the office cause I can't seem to bring myself to leaving them with a stranger. They are my world. My husband use to only travel minimally but since I had the baby he is gone every week for 4 days. He seems to like it even though he says he doesn't. But he has night events at these things and is out until 11. When he's gone I barely even get to speak to him cause he says he's tied up. It has been so hard on me having my kids by myself four nights out of the week, doing dinners just us and to be quit honest working my ass off. Putting two kids to sleep, two kids with dirty diapers, it's been tough and I honestly have given it my best shot. I feel like a single mom and thank god for my parents. So my husband who is unbothered by any of this and seems to be the only happy one in the family wouldnt listen to me nor our 2 year old daughter who is terrified every time he's home that he's leaving her again cause she loves him very much. Well I blew up finally, I told him I wasn't welling to live like this anymore. I couldn't be alone week after week for days I'm lonely, it's to hard for me. Not to mention his inappropriate conversations with women he works with. I told him that I wanted out of my marriage if this was the only life he could offer us. And it hurt to tell him that it hurt bad but I'm also hurt every time he leaves. I don't want a life time of being hurt. I'm only 33 I'm attractive weight 107. I want a husband not a part time man and daddy. I want him but not like this. Emotionally I honestly can't do it anymore. Be didn't listen at first but then when I was literally walking out the door to sign a separation agreement with lawyer he stopped me and has agreed to stop traveling which means he has to find a new job. He has put in 1 app. So far. He keeps complaining that it's a huge pay cut but in honesty it's a 5,000 pay cut. He makes decent money. But I told him and I meant it with every fiber that I didn't care if he makes 50,000 a year and we sale the house. I don't care where I live or anything at this point I can't do this by myself anymore and be married to him. I make decent money so I know wherever we live will be clean and my kids will have what they need but the standard of living we have now is not necessary and it's not enough to make me happy. I want him home with us at night. Am I terrible for this? Don't I matter at some point? Even though I married him does that mean I have to live this way, don't I have a say. I have been the best wife and mother I can. I do complain but I have been faithful I have tried to make his travel work for me. There is no other man in the picture for me I just want a husband who cares how I feel and how hard it's been on me. I'm not sure if on these business trips he has cheated on me or not. I can't prove anything. So he tells me he's not happy he has to quit his job but that he understands he has to to keep our family together. I just hope he's not lying to me cause he keeps pouring about it.

 

Thanks for listening

[UpwardForward]

You have two little children, yet you're able to work and bring in a decent income.

 

I would think the only reason a spouse should be away from their family as much as he, is if they've signed up for the military.

 

The marriage should come first. If this be your priority to have your husband home in the evening, rather than your current lifestyle - then you are entitled to it, and should have a say.

[Sunflower22]

Thank you! It was not easy to give my husband such an ultimatum as he calls it but I feel I have no choice. Everything from keeping up the house to taking care of the kids has been on my shoulders and it's just to much not to mention I am terribly lonely when he's gone which is a lot!!

[Sunflower22]

So I have come to realize I love my husband but I honestly can't go on with him traveling the way he has been. He is now trying to convince me that the traveling is not that bad and it will slow down and when I tell him no I can't live with it he gets angry. He is resentful toward me he said. He said the big issue is our children that him seeing them every other weekend or on visitation is not an option for him. He wants them in his life and that I'm hurting them by making him switch jobs and that if we divorced it would hurt them to take their father away. Does he love me or just our kids. Does he hate me or is he just lashing out cause he's angry. I'm not sure how to take it. He says he loves our kids and I know he does but I also know that he can't really take care of them for any length of time. When I take a two hour break to get my hair done it drives him nuts to be alone with the kids. He loves playing with them but the hard stuff like bedtime and teaching no way could he handle it by himself in long stretches. My point is I am not trying to take his kids he's there father they love him, but we both know I'm the one that has to raise them if you will. I'm the one who leaves work if they are sick, I'm the one who makes doctors appt. or calls the shots it's just how it is plus I'm the one home with them every night he's gone. What does he want from me? He is basically asking me to give up my happiness or chance of ever finding a man who loves me cause we have two kids who need him. Is this rational or even fair. I'm only 33 I want a family I want to be loved and matter in that family to. I told him this and he said everything's about me but not true I give my kids all of me and most everything is for them but I need something to. Is he lashing out cause he's mad or is this crap really how he feels? Men would you stay with a women just for the kids?

[standtall]

Sunflower...you have every right to feel like you do. What is going on..whether it is intentional or not..is a form of abandonment. You somehow have got to get it through to him how serious this is (not be cheating though). Now how you go about doing that is something that maybe some other posters can help you with.

[Sunflower22]

These fights with my husband trying to convince me to let him travel are over. I told him today to please stop talking to me about letting him travel, I have made my decision. I also told him he has a month and that if he doesn't find a job in a month I'd take the 20,000 I saved to pay bills while he looks. I don't want him stringing me along. Plus at this point he has not acknowledged my pain or feelings in the matter so I'm not even sure if it's worth saving if he's going to be so miserable being home with his family. The family he wanted and made. Well he can have the travel cause he may not realize it now but in the end he's the one who looses. Looses is his family. And maybe he does find a new family who knows but my husband is 40 years old he's not a child he should know better. I may be hurt but in the long run he looses me. And I'm sorry but that's more than a job can give him. I feel he wants to use the kids to trap me to stay in this lifestyle. Well no no no.... I'm educated, attractive and he may not have thought so but I have a brain, dignity, and pride for myself. I'm not going to be a fool.