Bellechica Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 Good description: Affairs eat you up. Yes, mentally, spiritually and physically. Eats away at your very soul. I didn't vomit today so each day is getting a little better....
Author East7 Posted May 1, 2012 Author Posted May 1, 2012 No East, I'm not in the A anymore, but I tried ending it so many times. The last conversation he had though was good. It was a mutual ending. He initiated the conversation and apologized for the pain he caused. I apologized too. We ended it mutually with xMW too, but she would always break NC. I NEVER contacted her. You will be tempted, I can promise you, addiction is not something you get over easily. I've deleted all means of contacting him, but I work with him, and dread anytime I might have to see him. So far I haven't this week, phew. I think he and I will both get past our addiction as long as we don't speak or text. NC will drive you crazy but you need to keep it for your sanity otherwise you'll go back to square one. We are both screwed up to have had the A. Especially if 1-he is your H friend (if I remember it well) and 2- if you work together. You have gambled not only with your M but also with friendship and careers.
Bellechica Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 Yes it was so addicting. I'm finding strength in being here. He has always been the one who broke NC, but I let him and enabled him by responding. I don't want to go back to square one. I want to get to a point of feeling indifferent. I don't want to be sick.
Hazyhead Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 Hi East It's that 'two steps forward, one step back' thing, huh? Sometimes I think to myself how far I've come and wonder at how my former raging passion is simply no more, but then there'll be a day, although far less frequently, and I will be floored with negativity; sometimes anger and sometimes unyielding sadness, but it passes. Don't beat yourself up past mistakes - just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You'll get there.
PeineDeCoeur Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 What a great thread. East, I look forward to getting to the place where you are now. I logically know why I need to stay NC, but it's really hard. I'm still bargaining with myself about the possibility of contacting him, of seeing him for sex "just one more time". I have never before felt such intense lust for someone. I'm trying to remember that it would just set me back, that I'll feel amazing in the moment, and terrible afterwards.. I do try to focus on the red flags, on his w.. I know he is not a long-term prospect for me. I just can't seem to get him out of my mind. I'm busy in my life right now - I've got a lot going on and somehow I am still feeling invested in him and his life, still wasting a lot of emotional energy thinking about it. How long does it take to get to anger and be able to let go of it completely????
Hazyhead Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 What a great thread. East, I look forward to getting to the place where you are now. I logically know why I need to stay NC, but it's really hard. I'm still bargaining with myself about the possibility of contacting him, of seeing him for sex "just one more time". I have never before felt such intense lust for someone. I'm trying to remember that it would just set me back, that I'll feel amazing in the moment, and terrible afterwards.. I do try to focus on the red flags, on his w.. I know he is not a long-term prospect for me. I just can't seem to get him out of my mind. I'm busy in my life right now - I've got a lot going on and somehow I am still feeling invested in him and his life, still wasting a lot of emotional energy thinking about it. How long does it take to get to anger and be able to let go of it completely???? Hi Peine, From my experience you have to shut him out. If you keep allowing him to make contact, whether it be 'just a catch up' or sex 'one more time', you are relenquishing your control of the situation. How much do you want it? It sounds to me like you're still enjoying the 'ups' too much. Keep that busy thing going and test yourself - if you want to be over it, let him go once and for all. It will be hard, but it's doable.
PeineDeCoeur Posted May 7, 2012 Posted May 7, 2012 Hi Peine, From my experience you have to shut him out. If you keep allowing him to make contact, whether it be 'just a catch up' or sex 'one more time', you are relenquishing your control of the situation. How much do you want it? It sounds to me like you're still enjoying the 'ups' too much. Keep that busy thing going and test yourself - if you want to be over it, let him go once and for all. It will be hard, but it's doable. He very rarely makes contact and only via email. But yes, he's kept the door open and has made it clear that I have to invite him in. Which I have not. Although I think about it, I know it would accomplish nothing (except to feel the high in the moment, and also the crash afterward). I've never felt this way sexually, the connection between us was so strong and feeling of intimacy - like a light went off - this is how it's supposed to be! How have I missed out on this? I so much want to feel it again - but in the context of a REAL relationship. I've never been promiscuous, but I realize the danger in thinking I can pull off something casual - the sex we had just made me feel longing and attachment which would be unsatisfied. I know I'm not ready for a real relationship yet, and putting in the work of finding someone new is premature and puts me off.. this is partially what I'm thinking with "one more time": I'm not ready for someone new, so why not him? It's madness. Been about 7 weeks since the last time I saw him, about 6 weeks of NC.
Author East7 Posted May 8, 2012 Author Posted May 8, 2012 He very rarely makes contact and only via email. But yes, he's kept the door open and has made it clear that I have to invite him in. Which I have not. Although I think about it, I know it would accomplish nothing (except to feel the high in the moment, and also the crash afterward). I've never felt this way sexually, the connection between us was so strong and feeling of intimacy - like a light went off - this is how it's supposed to be! How have I missed out on this? I so much want to feel it again - but in the context of a REAL relationship. I've never been promiscuous, but I realize the danger in thinking I can pull off something casual - the sex we had just made me feel longing and attachment which would be unsatisfied. I know I'm not ready for a real relationship yet, and putting in the work of finding someone new is premature and puts me off.. this is partially what I'm thinking with "one more time": I'm not ready for someone new, so why not him? It's madness. Been about 7 weeks since the last time I saw him, about 6 weeks of NC. Hi Peine, From my own experience I have not been so in peace since I totally closed the door to xMW. Total and strict NC is the only thing which may let you move on with your life and heal. It takes a LONG time to get over an affair partner, don't keep illusions that you might get over quickly. It took me 1.5 years to finally be in the place I am now with no more chronic sadness and missing her every day. At the beggining, only a picture of her or a song would made me want to sit and cry! It is a long road. And the biggest mistake I made walking through this road is to having tried to be gentlemanly and kind to her, listen to her one more time when she would contact me, believing her "I still love you-s", trying to be tolerant and look at her as a woman who loves me but is so "trapped" in her M and her obligations. She chose her H, she picked someone else over me and I didn't owe her anything, much less listening to her, but I did it because of my own weakness. Not respecting NC would always set me back to square one stirring more drama and finding myself even more frustrated and upset. NC is not easy but when you are emotionally vulnerable you don't want to make it worse. Time heals everything, even the deepest scars. As for the lust, that is a powerful thing but I think the lust is fueled by the emotional part. When you will start to heal emotionally you will not feel that physical dependence anymore. The lust is in your head. As for starting a new relationship, you can't be ready until xMM is history. You need to clear your heart and your mind before entering someone else in your life. I have screwed a couple of dates because I was still in love with xMW and no-one was in my eyes as good, as cute, as smart as my xMW..I was unsconsciously searching xMW in other women, same haircut, same face, same shapes, etc etc. Once I turned the page of xMW I started to see other women differently and learn to appreciate other things than drama and lust. Sure, healthy relationships are not made of crazy lust, waiting, thrilling and hiding but it feels good and peaceful to have someone 100% for you Bon courage Peine.
PeineDeCoeur Posted May 8, 2012 Posted May 8, 2012 Hi Peine, From my own experience I have not been so in peace since I totally closed the door to xMW. Total and strict NC is the only thing which may let you move on with your life and heal. It takes a LONG time to get over an affair partner, don't keep illusions that you might get over quickly. It took me 1.5 years to finally be in the place I am now with no more chronic sadness and missing her every day. At the beggining, only a picture of her or a song would made me want to sit and cry! It is a long road. And the biggest mistake I made walking through this road is to having tried to be gentlemanly and kind to her, listen to her one more time when she would contact me, believing her "I still love you-s", trying to be tolerant and look at her as a woman who loves me but is so "trapped" in her M and her obligations. She chose her H, she picked someone else over me and I didn't owe her anything, much less listening to her, but I did it because of my own weakness. Not respecting NC would always set me back to square one stirring more drama and finding myself even more frustrated and upset. NC is not easy but when you are emotionally vulnerable you don't want to make it worse. Time heals everything, even the deepest scars. As for the lust, that is a powerful thing but I think the lust is fueled by the emotional part. When you will start to heal emotionally you will not feel that physical dependence anymore. The lust is in your head. As for starting a new relationship, you can't be ready until xMM is history. You need to clear your heart and your mind before entering someone else in your life. I have screwed a couple of dates because I was still in love with xMW and no-one was in my eyes as good, as cute, as smart as my xMW..I was unsconsciously searching xMW in other women, same haircut, same face, same shapes, etc etc. Once I turned the page of xMW I started to see other women differently and learn to appreciate other things than drama and lust. Sure, healthy relationships are not made of crazy lust, waiting, thrilling and hiding but it feels good and peaceful to have someone 100% for you Bon courage Peine. Merci bien, East.
Recommended Posts