East7 Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 The more the memory of the A with xMW fades away, the more I think how f*** stupid I was to get involved someone else's wife Have you this kind of negative, almost disgust feelings about yourself? -How silly I was to hope building a life and a future with someone else's wife. -How silly I was to trust the "Love" word out of the mouth of a woman who sleeps every night with another man. How stupid to trust someone who was constantly lying to the man she married and was sharing her life. Why in the world would I be more important to her ? Oh wait, I was the ONE she loved.. -How stupid I was to spend time (even vacations!!!) with a woman who would go back to her H and then finding myself feeling empty, depressed and lost and doing it again hoping that the next time it would be different. -How naive to offer myself as a side dish for the "sake of Love". -How stupid to carry on when your guts tell you it's wrong and it is NOT going anywhere. It is like you *knowingly* are driving at 100mph in a dead-end tunnel and doing it anyway. -How stupid for wasting almost 2 years of my life with an unreal relationship which only existed in my mind, ignoring and overlooking available women who could have been with me in the REAL world. -How naive not to realize that I was only a "misery stabilizer", only a moment of escape from HER issues, not a future project. -How naive to think that she was "trapped" in a marriage that she didn't really wanted, while in fact she was exactly where she wanted to be ! -How naive to give and buy ALL kind of excuses and justifications that "we love each-other but we can't be together". Clarity is a good thing 11
Owl Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 Hindsight is 20/20, my friend. At the time...you saw what you wanted to see. It's what EVERYONE does in that moment. Recognize it, learn from it, and heal from it. Don't beat yourself up about it. FWIW...it's given you some excellent perspective to help others who are still where you were. I'm of the opinion that all things happen for a reason...usually not one the benefits ourselves, but others we don't yet even know. 8
Fitz Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 (edited) The more the memory of the A with xMW fades away, the more I think how f*** stupid I was to get involved someone else's wife Have you this kind of negative, almost disgust feelings about yourself? -How silly I was to hope building a life and a future with someone else's wife. -How silly I was to trust the "Love" word out of the mouth of a woman who sleeps every night with another man. How stupid to trust someone who was constantly lying to the man she married and was sharing her life. Why in the world would I be more important to her ? Oh wait, I was the ONE she loved.. -How stupid I was to spend time (even vacations!!!) with a woman who would go back to her H and then finding myself feeling empty, depressed and lost and doing it again hoping that the next time it would be different. -How naive to offer myself as a side dish for the "sake of Love". -How stupid to carry on when your guts tell you it's wrong and it is NOT going anywhere. It is like you *knowingly* are driving at 100mph in a dead-end tunnel and doing it anyway. -How stupid for wasting almost 2 years of my life with an unreal relationship which only existed in my mind, ignoring and overlooking available women who could have been with me in the REAL world. -How naive not to realize that I was only a "misery stabilizer", only a moment of escape from HER issues, not a future project. -How naive to think that she was "trapped" in a marriage that she didn't really wanted, while in fact she was exactly where she wanted to be ! -How naive to give and buy ALL kind of excuses and justifications that "we love each-other but we can't be together". Clarity is a good thing Great post! Yes, there is nothing like a little mental clarity! Question: What was the thing that triggered all this? How did you eventually arrive at this conclusion? Was it gradual? Or something acute? Like a confrontation or argument? Edited May 1, 2012 by Fitz
Author East7 Posted May 1, 2012 Author Posted May 1, 2012 At the time...you saw what you wanted to see. I know, that's right It's what EVERYONE does in that moment. Yes..everyone thinks "their" A is special, and their love is special, and their MP is special... ! Things look as much special as you make them special in your fantasy. It could be another person X, Y, Z...it would have been "special" too FWIW...it's given you some excellent perspective to help others who are still where you were. I'm of the opinion that all things happen for a reason...usually not one the benefits ourselves, but others we don't yet even know. I try to give some perspective when I see freshly arrived OM on the board (I think FightClub, RickFox etc remember my posts).
kaityjane Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 The more the memory of the A with xMW fades away, the more I think how f*** stupid I was to get involved someone else's wife Have you this kind of negative, almost disgust feelings about yourself? -How silly I was to hope building a life and a future with someone else's wife. -How silly I was to trust the "Love" word out of the mouth of a woman who sleeps every night with another man. How stupid to trust someone who was constantly lying to the man she married and was sharing her life. Why in the world would I be more important to her ? Oh wait, I was the ONE she loved.. -How stupid I was to spend time (even vacations!!!) with a woman who would go back to her H and then finding myself feeling empty, depressed and lost and doing it again hoping that the next time it would be different. -How naive to offer myself as a side dish for the "sake of Love". -How stupid to carry on when your guts tell you it's wrong and it is NOT going anywhere. It is like you *knowingly* are driving at 100mph in a dead-end tunnel and doing it anyway. -How stupid for wasting almost 2 years of my life with an unreal relationship which only existed in my mind, ignoring and overlooking available women who could have been with me in the REAL world. -How naive not to realize that I was only a "misery stabilizer", only a moment of escape from HER issues, not a future project. -How naive to think that she was "trapped" in a marriage that she didn't really wanted, while in fact she was exactly where she wanted to be ! -How naive to give and buy ALL kind of excuses and justifications that "we love each-other but we can't be together". Clarity is a good thing Wow. For those of us still going through it, reading this brings such clarity. Thank you. For me, especially your thought regarding thinking she was trapped in the marriage. I'm learning that too, he is exactly where he feels he is meant to be. Tough lesson to swallow when we've given so much of ourselves. Thanks for the post. 1
Author East7 Posted May 1, 2012 Author Posted May 1, 2012 (edited) Question: What was the thing that triggered all this? How did you eventually arrive at this conclusion? Was it gradual? Or something acute? Like a confrontation or argument? It was gradual, even though during the A my guts were telling me it was wrong, that it would end with a lot of pain and bitterness and I had to run the hills, but I was kind of addicted. The most difficult is to let go the feelings you once had for that person. Somehow we all get grip to the belief that "our love" was real and it couldn't have been a lie. This belief is fed by the MP making you believe - even after the A ! - that she still loves you and if we couldn't be together it was because she was "stuck"/"trapped" in family/marriage/kids obligations. In a real relationship it is easier to let go because the unrequited love is always expressed upfront. In an A the persisting belief is that if we failed, it wasn't because we fell out of love, but because of "obligations". So you spend a LONG period of "what-ifs" which are very hard to let go, then you gradually realize that justifications, are only... justifications ! Another technique of seeing clearer is reversing the roles. When you put yourself in the shoes of the person you think that loves you but for X reasons can't move, you realize how many things are plain justifications. That if you really loved so much someone, you would have acted differently. Edited May 1, 2012 by East7 2
LoveTKO Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 East7....great post and I'm glad you came around and found happiness again. As far as building a future with a MW is concerned, I am well aware that these kind of expectations are exactly what a MW doesn't want. They don't want to give up the perks and security of their marriage, so instead they resort to cuckolding their husbands because all they're really after is passion, sex, compliments, excitement. Based on my personal experience, if they haven't already left the marriage prior to meeting you then they're probably just looking for something to supplement their lives. That's all. Demanding that they leave to start a life with you reminds them of the pressures they have at home. And you're right about it all reverting back to mitigating the misery in her marriage. All you are is a breathing passion machine of flesh, blood , and bones. People who have affairs are very selfish and pleasure oriented, all because of some sense of entitlement. She wants the marriage (security) all right, and some booty on the side. Here's the secret that a lot of people are not willing to admit: by you having an affair with a married woman you are actually encouraging her to stay married because she has the best of both worlds!! You're making her life more tolerable be serving as a distraction. In reality, if she never pursued an affair she probably would have been divorced because then her married would really suck. I knew this from day one...it's not rocket science. Here is the mathematical equation: Married Woman x (boring husband, boring sex life, "feel like I'm missing something") + passionate loverboy = staying in the marriage 1
Author East7 Posted May 1, 2012 Author Posted May 1, 2012 Rationally I always knew that it was hurting me, killing something inside of me and was in no way hurting him, (which I wanted to do for being such a sob) but finally.......I think I'm at peace with it. No I can't really explain why or how, perhaps it's just the passage of time and it has burned itself out. Affairs kills you inside. They eat you up with chronic sadness while you let erode your self esteem for the "sake of love". I have never felt so down and miserable in my life than during the "waiting" and "longing" months of the A. You keep it going hoping a happy and blissful future together that never comes. I wish for you, that it does not consume you, then you are able to let it go and be in peace with yourself and others. You have learned much and you are a better man now. Don't forget that. Hugs........ Thanks LG No it is not a consuming or constant feeling. It is just moments of looking back in time and thinking "What the hell was I thinking?". hugs
Author East7 Posted May 1, 2012 Author Posted May 1, 2012 And you're right about it all reverting back to mitigating the misery in her marriage. All you are is a breathing passion machine of flesh, blood , and bones. People who have affairs are very selfish and pleasure oriented, all because of some sense of entitlement. She wants the marriage (security) all right, and some booty on the side. Here's the secret that a lot of people are not willing to admit: by you having an affair with a married woman you are actually encouraging her to stay married because she has the best of both worlds!! You're making her life more tolerable be serving as a distraction. In reality, if she never pursued an affair she probably would have been divorced because then her married would really suck. I knew this from day one...it's not rocket science. Here is the mathematical equation: Married Woman x (boring husband, boring sex life, "feel like I'm missing something") + passionate loverboy = staying in the marriage This made me chuckle That's a cliche but also the biggest irony about the affairs : you help them to stay married ! Because if you weren't in the picture, they would have find the M less bearable. My xMW was complaining about her H and contemplating divorce when I first met her, then during the A the word "divorce" magically disappeared.
TigerCub Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 Oh East, I want to give you a big hug! I completely feel your anger and frustration in that post. I've been there, and I was there for a long long time. The anger came from really realizing the obvious - that... Real love shouldn't make you put your life on hold Real love shouldn't involve lies Real love shouldn't be based on one sided compromises Real love shouldn't be the reason you cry endlessly Real love shouldn't make you doubt who you are and what you're worth. I'm so glad that you've reached your anger phase. I'm so glad that you've learned so much. The good news is - after you deal with the anger, you will find your peace. Great things will come to you East, and because of your past experiences, I think you'd make an amazing and faithful partner 5
Author East7 Posted May 1, 2012 Author Posted May 1, 2012 The anger came from really realizing the obvious - that... Real love shouldn't make you put your life on hold Real love shouldn't involve lies Real love shouldn't be based on one sided compromises Real love shouldn't be the reason you cry endlessly Real love shouldn't make you doubt who you are and what you're worth. Thanks TC These are very eloquent and beautiful statements !
UpwardForward Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 All regrets are gone. He will give us beauty for ashes.
Emme Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 East :love:hug:love: ... Just breathe. Anger is good... after it comes Happiness. 2
TurningTables Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 East... You are who you are because of everything you have been through: the mistakes, the good, the wonderful, the bad and the ugly. It makes us who we are today. The learning process never ends. Like Jwi said..forgive yourself. You earned it. 3
RickFox Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 The more the memory of the A with xMW fades away, the more I think how f*** stupid I was to get involved someone else's wife Have you this kind of negative, almost disgust feelings about yourself? YES -How silly I was to hope building a life and a future with someone else's wife. YES -How silly I was to trust the "Love" word out of the mouth of a woman who sleeps every night with another man. How stupid to trust someone who was constantly lying to the man she married and was sharing her life. Why in the world would I be more important to her ? Oh wait, I was the ONE she loved.. YES -How stupid I was to spend time (even vacations!!!) with a woman who would go back to her H and then finding myself feeling empty, depressed and lost and doing it again hoping that the next time it would be different. -How naive to offer myself as a side dish for the "sake of Love". YES -How stupid to carry on when your guts tell you it's wrong and it is NOT going anywhere. It is like you *knowingly* are driving at 100mph in a dead-end tunnel and doing it anyway. YES -How stupid for wasting almost 2 years of my life with an unreal relationship which only existed in my mind, ignoring and overlooking available women who could have been with me in the REAL world. -How naive not to realize that I was only a "misery stabilizer", only a moment of escape from HER issues, not a future project. YES -How naive to think that she was "trapped" in a marriage that she didn't really wanted, while in fact she was exactly where she wanted to be ! YES -How naive to give and buy ALL kind of excuses and justifications that "we love each-other but we can't be together". Clarity is a good thing Still very angry at myself...her ...but moreso me.
LoveTKO Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 Ain't that a mother....! So true. all this talk about divorce prior to starting the affair, only to have the D word relegated to back-burner status the moment she's involved with you, toes up. An affair is like Prozac, Imipramine, Xanax, filet mignon with bacon, nice bottle of wine, a vibrator.....all in one package. She goes for it when she wants to feel good and turns her back on it when the guilt pleasure feelings creep up....
sad puppy Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 A compelling and insightful post. One thing to keep in mind, is that some people are poisonous, plain and simple. Yes, every human being makes mistakes, hurts people, makes the wrong decision, ... it can go on forever. We all understand that, and forgiveness is something we all should strive for - compassion and understanding with those that fail us, compassion and understanding when we fail ourselves. HOWEVER! A married person who has a longish term affair, anything lasting 6 months or beyond (we can certainly debate and quibble the time definition), but you know, a devoted affair over time, is poisionous. They make the decision every, single day to betray their spouse and children. Every. Single. Day. It's not a "fog", it's a conscious decision. Before my xMM separated, I began to observe how he spent his time, with whom, ... I just began to use a critical eye. I saw someone that enjoyed "portraying" a devoted father & husband and enjoyed the perks as well. Upon observation, I saw a man that was "out with friends" most evenings, drinking, eating at different restaurants, going to concerts. He wasn't with me, I live in another state, and do a lot of business travel, so I'm not around much. I saw that he was sort of taking advantage of the fact that his wife never liked to go out. He liked to go on all the numerous family vacations, liked the "image" within the community as a father and husband, but the hard core reality was of a liar. And a cheater. Duh. But I mean, he was cheating & lying to not only his wife, but to his children. To his parents. He was also carrying on an emotional affair with a woman who knew more about his thoughts & desires than his wife or me. So, with the BIG, long, global look at how he operated his life, I saw a cheater, a liar, a selfish man who betrayed his wife and children, who betrayed his wife and me with his emotional ("we're just friends") affair, a man who betrayed his parents when his selfish wife was utterly disrespctful to them. His wife did not foster a close & loving relationship between the kids and his parents, however, it was fostered between the kids and her parents. Naturally. He didn't stand up for his kids & his parents, he betrayed them because he is a weak coward. And he stole that opportunity from his parents & his kids. So, in looking at how he ran his life - be betrays and hurts everyone in his orbit, one way or another, but the one thing that never changes is his devotion to his "friends", and his social life. Who pays the price? Ultimately his kids. And that's when I really got smart, took forever, but I saw who he was at his core. I told him, being with you is like "drinking gallons of toxic posion". He's hurt his parents, kids, wife, me, ... Some people are just toxic. They are poison. You don't realize when you're in it - falling in love, falling for their bs. But with enough determination to save yourself and crawl out of the affair, even if they leave the marriage as mine did, you can remove the toxic poison from your life. East, you have helped many of us on that path. Don't beat yourself up. Just be quite thankful you have the poison out of your life. Be happy you cut the toxic human being out of your life. Be thrilled! Be proud of yourself. They are liars, cheaters, selfish people that can never be trusted. I feel so thankful I have seen the light. 5
stillwater Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 (edited) HOWEVER! A married person who has a longish term affair, anything lasting 6 months or beyond (we can certainly debate and quibble the time definition), but you know, a devoted affair over time, is poisionous. They make the decision every, single day to betray their spouse and children. Every. Single. Day. It's not a "fog", it's a conscious decision. This realization made it much easier for me to step back and recognize that even if MW did leave her H, I wouldn't want to be with her. Not without a whole lot of therapy anyway. And once I took that step back, I began to see a lot of other things with more clarity as well. My best friend, who has also known MW for a while, told me I must have had my blinders on, which is so true. There were a million red flags, I just chose to believe her when she said it was "different" with me, that I was "special". Edited May 1, 2012 by stillwater 1
Bellechica Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 East! Awesome post. I am a MW who had an A with a single man. We both fed each other crap about love but he knew I'd never leave my H. The emotions in the A and now after as I try to get over him, suck. Being in an A made me question my sanity and made both of us so unstable. It was love and hate an insanity. Just the most stupid, ridiculous stupid thing ever. I hope my exOM is feeling just like you are now, East, and that he honors NC this time. It's only been a week, but I feel free of him. Love, are you finally going to go NC with your MW? Do it for yourself. East, again, thank you for the thread.
jphcbpa Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 what's done is done, you can only change the future. you have to give up all hope of improving your past. dont keep going back there mentally, you will only get lost. stay in the present in order to change the future. 2
Patrice Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 Liars stink ... they bait, manipulate, and they take good people down for their own messed up life ... be proud that you got out. Keep cheering yourself on, we all make mistakes of the heart ... and when she calls you again, or tries to contact .. shut her down ... 2
Author East7 Posted May 1, 2012 Author Posted May 1, 2012 East! Awesome post. I am a MW who had an A with a single man. We both fed each other crap about love but he knew I'd never leave my H. The emotions in the A and now after as I try to get over him, suck. Being in an A made me question my sanity and made both of us so unstable. It was love and hate an insanity. Just the most stupid, ridiculous stupid thing ever. I hope my exOM is feeling just like you are now, East, and that he honors NC this time. It's only been a week, but I feel free of him. Love, are you finally going to go NC with your MW? Do it for yourself. East, again, thank you for the thread. Thanks for the input Bella. I didn't quite understand: Are you still in the A ? I hope not. Affairs eat you up, mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically. I have exchanged with a couple of MW to understand how it looks from the "other side". I know it is very addicting and emotionally consuming for the both sides. I can't tell about your OM but it takes a VERY LONG time to get over an A. You need both to cut ALL ties unless you and him won't be able to move on. Plus you have a double challenge: Not only you need to get over OM but you have to fight for getting your shattered marriage back on the track. It is a lot of work ! So buckle up and prepare for the roller-coaster. And, yes I am total and strict NC with xMW. I have done everything it takes that we two disappear from each-other lives. It was the last gift I could do her and myself.
spice4life Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 This is good news East! That means forgiveness is right around the corner. Forgiving yourself that is.
Bellechica Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 No East, I'm not in the A anymore, but I tried ending it so many times. The last conversation he had though was good. It was a mutual ending. He initiated the conversation and apologized for the pain he caused. I apologized too. I've deleted all means of contacting him, but I work with him, and dread anytime I might have to see him. So far I haven't this week, phew. I think he and I will both get past our addiction as long as we don't speak or text. I'm in IC and I suggested it for him. We are both screwed up to have had the A.
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