Why is it more expected for a man not to want kids than a woman?

[samsungxoxo]

For real, I've noticed some people don't say that much if a man doesn't ever want kids and they might even say ''Oh don't worry, he'll mature, it's common'' but if I told them the same, some would asked Why not? What's wrong? or ''Well you're not gonna be young forever, you might regret it by the time you're in the late 30's.

 

Even certain men themselves actually start wondering if there is something not right. I was looking at some of the male posters on another site and I recalled one commented that it was weird for a woman not to develop any type of desires (natural urges) towards kids and how it's suppose to be in our nature.

 

My female friend was too thinking it was weird. It's not that I'm immature, just that I simply don't want to.

[samsungxoxo]

At age 18, people were already telling me how I'll change my mind in a couple years, blah, blah, blah.

 

Present-day: age 25 (and counting) and still nothing has changed. I had no real desire for them and I knew this ever since age 13.

 

As for why this urge never developed within me? I don't know. It just never did.

 

But yeah I would like to know why sometimes, it's seemed as ''common and expected'' for a man not to want kids than a woman?

[zengirl]

People say the same stuff to women. People who do want kids often cannot understand those who do not (male or female). I don't want kids, though I've thought it'd be okay at certain points, and plenty of people think I'll grow out of it. The same is true for most childless-and-want-to-stay-that-way couples I know. The women are perhaps eyed even more skeptically (as though they 'secretly' want kids) than the men, but I don't see this as being a huge gender divide --- just a divide between those who do and don't want kids. For some reason, many, many people who want or have kids just cannot imagine why someone would not want kids. I face this even more because I'm in Education and work with kids and love kids, etc. But loving kids and wanting kids is just not the same. So, I get it a little more than Hubby, but he gets it too with the, "Oh, but you'd be a great Dad!" stuff. It's not just women who get it. Women might get it younger, though. Once you're settled and married, both parties are targeted with that stuff.

[Avarage]

Not really sure why that's how it is. I think the decision is ultimately up to the woman since she's the one who does have to give birth. This probably all stems from woman traditionally being the ones who raise the children. As a guy when I get married I will want children, but I believe the woman would get to choose how many.

 

On much more important note: Awesome cat!

[irc333]

There was a time I did want kids....but I never found that "special someone" so now that I started approaching the 40 year mark, my desire had waned to loosing the desire of having children.

 

Just can't see myself being an elderly parent...don't want to be a parent in my 40's, its just as simple as that.

 

 

For real, I've noticed some people don't say that much if a man doesn't ever want kids and they might even say ''Oh don't worry, he'll mature, it's common'' but if I told them the same, some would asked Why not? What's wrong? or ''Well you're not gonna be young forever, you might regret it by the time you're in the late 30's.

 

Even certain men themselves actually start wondering if there is something not right. I was looking at some of the male posters on another site and I recalled one commented that it was weird for a woman not to develop any type of desires (natural urges) towards kids and how it's suppose to be in our nature.

 

My female friend was too thinking it was weird. It's not that I'm immature, just that I simply don't want to.

[Radu]

For real, I've noticed some people don't say that much if a man doesn't ever want kids and they might even say ''Oh don't worry, he'll mature, it's common'' but if I told them the same, some would asked Why not? What's wrong? or ''Well you're not gonna be young forever, you might regret it by the time you're in the late 30's.

 

Even certain men themselves actually start wondering if there is something not right. I was looking at some of the male posters on another site and I recalled one commented that it was weird for a woman not to develop any type of desires (natural urges) towards kids and how it's suppose to be in our nature.

 

My female friend was too thinking it was weird. It's not that I'm immature, just that I simply don't want to.

 

I did notice this one as well (eastern europe country).

Funny enough, if those ppl are actually older women (60+), over here they're opinion is almost invariably 'live a little, you can have kids later'.

 

I suspect they see a woman not wanting kids as a hit against motherhood (for women), and many women wrap themselves in this flag of motherhood or feel like society forces them to wrap themselves in this flag.

The opposite of this, i've noticed that some women literally will have kids to not work.

I know this may not be popular as an ideea, but i can give examples from my society.

 

I also suspect that men judge these women maybe at a primal level as hit against the continuation of the species ?

I mean, the same reason behind White Pretty Female in Danger syndrome in the news; society reacts bad when it's females and motherhood come in danger and it has done so across history.

Maybe it's a self-preservation action of our species.

[stillafool]

My husband and I use to get that "no kids, why not you guys would have beautiful babies" stuff all the time when we were younger. Now I get "YOU DON'T HAVE CHILDREN????, YOU POOR THING", etc., etc., NO GRANDKIDS TO LOOK FORWARD TO." I just start laughing my butt off. I don't know why I find it so hilarious now.

[Radu]

My husband and I use to get that "no kids, why not you guys would have beautiful babies" stuff all the time when we were younger. Now I get "YOU DON'T HAVE CHILDREN????, YOU POOR THING", etc., etc., NO GRANDKIDS TO LOOK FORWARD TO." I just start laughing my butt off. I don't know why I find it so hilarious now.

 

Self-defense mechanism ?

Laughter did develop from that.

[Emilia]

I don't know why that is. My own mother is still fighting me because she wants grandchildren and I have never wanted kids. I'm not even like zengirl who enjoys other people's kids' company. I really don't like them and never been part of the 'women with a biological clock' brigade. I sometimes feel like they and I are of different species.

 

On the other hand, I meet a lot of guys who want kids. Most men I know in their late 20s and early to mid 30s want them and it tends to turn out to be a dealbreaker.

 

Perhaps we see what we want to see OP?

[Ursa]

Personally I don't care if other people want to have children or not...I think it's probably better to err on the side of caution and not have children you're not 100% into the idea of. Kids are really hard work and many people are underprepared for them, financially and emotionally.

 

I have many childfree friends and acquaintances and I understand why they made the choices that they did. I always knew I wanted kids, but I was still ambivalent about the reality of it, myself, for many years--and while I made the right choice for me and my son lights up my universe, I could have been content with another path, it wasn't a perfectly clear cut choice for me.

 

I can also understand why people in general are more skeptical of the woman desiring to remain childfree forever, however--particularly if the skeptical person is older. An older person has simply seen for themselves dozens of examples of people who said they would not want kids, or who dithered about it ambivalently for a long time, and then went into a last-minute scramble for them after all. Obviously that is not to say that will happen to everybody who says they don't want children, but it does happen to many, men and women. I believe that for some it is simply growing closer to the inevitable pattern of aging and fearing growing old/dying without leaving a "legacy," but it probably happens more often to women because of the hormonal changes wrought in their latter thirties. At 25, women simply have no idea of the real impact of the hormonal changes they are likely to go through ten years down the line.

 

It's still presumptuous to assume that EVERY woman will have those hormonal surges--some simply don't. Also presumptuous to assume that she will just give in to those feelings. I know women who had serious babyhungry spikes in their late 30s and struggled with it hard, but in the end stuck to their guns because they knew they had gone for 20 years logically determined not to procreate, and they didn't want to be undone by a pure emotion. Once the hormonal surge ended a few years later, they were relieved and felt that it had been hard but they had made the right decision.

 

I suspect the real issue is that some people are just busybodies, and feel like it's okay to say things about other people's personal lives and kind of revel in an overblown sense of imaginary busybody "omniscience," when actually that is not okay. People have all kinds of opinions about how other people live their lives, and as long as nobody is getting hurt, they would do best to keep those opinions to themselves.

 

As far as grandkids go--well, I do hope I will have grandchildren someday. I'd rather not alienate my actual children over it, though. I like to think if I were absolutely desperate for that and it looked like it was not forthcoming, I'd probably look into foster parenting or something as a way to take the pressure off--and if I wasn't willing or able to undergo the rigors of that, I guess it would be a good reminder to me about how difficult parenting is and that I should probably keep my mouth shut and stop trying to commandeer my kids' reproductive organs .

[dasein]

The reason it's more expected for a man not to want kids than a woman is that more men don't want kids. Men acquiesce with their SOs desire for kids more than anything. Evidence of this can be found by looking at the much higher incidence of lesbian couples having or adopting children versus gay male couples.

 

Good for you OP for bucking peer pressure, if you don't want to have children, that's your right and it's your life. Don't let people cause you to feel bad for it.

[Els]

The answer is likely because: Some people are entrenched in their ways of thinking, and are unable to comprehend someone having a different definition of happiness from themselves. Seeing as they, and other women they know, very much do want kids, they fail to understand that you are an individual with your own wants and desires.

 

Live your life however you want, girl.

[M2155]

Funny I have had this discussion often. While I know they are out there, I have RARELY met a man that did not want kids but I've met several women who do not, including friends (although I think a few of them will change their minds when the right person comes along). They say they are content having nieces and nephews, enjoy their freedom or struggled a lot in their own relationships with their parents so while I can't relate to the desire personally, I can understand.

 

The men on the other hand, I have guy friends who's clock is ticking more than my own and it makes me chuckle. Longing to have their seed continue their lineage (women never seem to use this reason lol).

 

But to each their own

[Radu]

What you just posted Elswyth can be expanded upon and even generalized.

 

We all walk around with this map of the true reality, but it's not correct and very incomplete.

We like it though because it's easier to just use it instead of making alterations to it, plus if you make constant alterations to it, it means you don't know what's out there ... scary !

So when you challenge someone's perception of you, they get defensive, they want the old you they knew back ... it's all about what's easier for them (we all do this).

When you do this challenge it's good to stand your ground and continue with it, because ppl tend to adapt if they don't have a choice.

And no matter how many times this cycle is repeated, ppl don't realise they act this way.

[Radu]

Funny I have had this discussion often. While I know they are out there, I have RARELY met a man that did not want kids but I've met several women who do not, including friends (although I think a few of them will change their minds when the right person comes along). They say they are content having nieces and nephews, enjoy their freedom or struggled a lot in their own relationships with their parents so while I can't relate to the desire personally, I can understand.

 

The men on the other hand, I have guy friends who's clock is ticking more than my own and it makes me chuckle. Longing to have their seed continue their lineage (women never seem to use this reason lol).

 

But to each their own

 

That's almost exactly how i feel.

 

I've thought about adopting but it wouldn't feel as 'right' as having children of my own.

I'm sure i would grow to love both equally but somehow deep down inside of me, i feel that i need to do this.

[pink_sugar]

Yeah, it's amazing how gender roles still work in modern society. I was actually shocked that my husband had always wanted kids. We met when he was 22. It's funny, because I never really had any maternal instinct until recently, but he was always the one who talked a lot about kids and I was surprised a guy felt that way because most of the guys I know never wanted kids or don't really care. I think it's nice to see more men feeling paternal rather than assuming the woman should always feel her biological clock ticking.

[FitChick]

I think it depends on where you live. In the US, most people don't really care and just ask out of idle curiosity but generally respect your decisions. If someone keeps pestering you, do what a friend did: "I found out I can't have kids because of a medical condition. I've had every test there is so I'd really appreciate it if you didn't mention it again." Then she'd put on a sad face.

 

I often think it's a case of misery loving company. There is a wonderful out of print book I read called Mother's Day is Over about this phenomenon of women pressuring other women for precisely that reason.

 

You will find as you get older, not having children increases your value in the dating market since your dating pool will consist of divorced men with kids who don't want any more.

[Nikki Sahagin]

I guess coz women naturally get knocked up, people just assume we want it to happen.

 

I'm not maternal whatsoever. But really it doesn't matter if people can't accept that you don't want kids, so long as you can accept your choice and are happy.

[PratyekaYana]

It comes down to the presumption of purpose. Great strides have been made to undermine the social conventions of the past, but the programming to which we have all been exposed, at greater or lesser degrees, is still very much concerned with traditional gender roles. What is a woman's function in such a scheme? Homemaker, wife, nurturer, and child bearer.

 

Thus, a woman that doesn't want children (under the influence of our social scripts) seems like a perversion of the natural order of things. Men who don't desire parenthood can generally escape the stigma by occupying other roles of traditional masculinity, but a childless woman has no such luck because her decision is seen to reflect an absence of femininity as a whole.

 

It's a crushing weight to be under, but I am delighted to see that there are women out there, many in fact, who are capable of silencing these scripts and living as they choose.

[samsungxoxo]

The reason it's more expected for a man not to want kids than a woman is that more men don't want kids. Men acquiesce with their SOs desire for kids more than anything. Evidence of this can be found by looking at the much higher incidence of lesbian couples having or adopting children versus gay male couples.

Yeah usually the childfree men are the ones having a harder time finding a childfree woman. But I'm not really having it easier either. Some men I know want kids in the future or they say no but changed their minds.

Good for you OP for bucking peer pressure, if you don't want to have children, that's your right and it's your life. Don't let people cause you to feel bad for it.

I don't feel bad at all. Having kids is no where the same as buying a pair of shoes: that's 18 or + years of dedication.

[samsungxoxo]

I think it's nice to see more men feeling paternal rather than assuming the woman should always feel her biological clock ticking.

I hate it when some refers to us as natural reproducing machines.

[Oxy Moronovich]

For real, I've noticed some people don't say that much if a man doesn't ever want kids and they might even say ''Oh don't worry, he'll mature, it's common'' but if I told them the same, some would asked Why not? What's wrong? or ''Well you're not gonna be young forever, you might regret it by the time you're in the late 30's.

 

Even certain men themselves actually start wondering if there is something not right. I was looking at some of the male posters on another site and I recalled one commented that it was weird for a woman not to develop any type of desires (natural urges) towards kids and how it's suppose to be in our nature.

 

My female friend was too thinking it was weird. It's not that I'm immature, just that I simply don't want to.

 

Because the number of women who want kids far outnumbers the number of women who do not want kids.

 

I once dated a woman who said she didn't want kids. A year and a half later she told me she wanted marriage and kids. So if I meet a woman who says she doesn't want kids, I'm skeptical.

[samsungxoxo]

I don't know why that is. My own mother is still fighting me because she wants grandchildren and I have never wanted kids. I'm not even like zengirl who enjoys other people's kids' company. I really don't like them and never been part of the 'women with a biological clock' brigade. I sometimes feel like they and I are of different species.

Maybe we are a different species. Kudos to those that have enough time, energy and patience to raise a kid. I would take just about any challenge, even cleaning the whole house...anything except become pregnant.

On the other hand, I meet a lot of guys who want kids. Most men I know in their late 20s and early to mid 30s want them and it tends to turn out to be a dealbreaker.

 

Perhaps we see what we want to see OP?

I'm not having any luck either.

[samsungxoxo]

Because the number of women who want kids far outnumbers the number of women who do not want kids.

 

I once dated a woman who said she didn't want kids. A year and a half later she told me she wanted marriage and kids. So if I meet a woman who says she doesn't want kids, I'm skeptical.

I'm 100% sure I don't want kids. If I were allow to have an operation (I have the money for it but no doctor will perform it), I would do it without any hesitation and have no regrets.

[mesmerized]

Maybe we are a different species. Kudos to those that have enough time, energy and patience to raise a kid. I would take just about any challenge, even cleaning the whole house...anything except become pregnant.

I'm not having any luck either.

 

That's my issue as well. I don't want to have a kid or get pregnant either though I might be ok with adopting one at a later point in my life.

 

After reading threads here though, I'm kind of worried. Seems like most men who don't want kids here hate women or have some other baggage. I'm afraid I don't want my dating pool to be limited to this kind.