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I think our typical LoveShack standards are too HIGH for a ex.


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Posted

Ok, so what's the typical advice you might receive? "If a ex wants you back he or she will be breaking down the door" crying, begging, pleading.

 

I do however think that this is invalid, I actually remember when CaliGuy started this years ago, I just don't think a women guy would do that, nor would a man, especially not a women.

 

It's breadcrumbs in the beginning and all the way to the end, all of the Reconciliations that I know have been from ex's who came back throwing breadcrumbs.

 

Ex : Are you dating someone?

Ex : Hinting that you too are dating again, even though you are not.

Ex : Expecting Vday presents or such.

 

 

What I'm saying is all I have ever heard is about breadcrumbs leading back up to Second Chances, never once have I heard about this emotional breakdown leading to a Second Chance.

 

With that being said, most contact from the ex will just be pure curiosity on the exs part, but exs are just to proud and don't wanna risk the chance of being shot down.

Posted

If an ex can't be mature enough in their actions to show true remorse how can you truly believe their intentions are of more than loneliness?

 

If both parties do not work on their own issues that led to the breakup a second chance will do nothing more than follow the same path. I need to see changes and having someone come to me to have a mature conversation where they can not only tell me how they fixed their issues, but show me as well, is the only way I'd ever consider a second chance. I know the past relationship failed and I'd need to be able to believe that the second time had a chance of succeeding.

 

Anything less is setting yourself up for heartbreak.

  • Like 3
Posted

Perhaps the expectations are high, but indicate the direction of a healthy middle ground, specifically with regards to the language and actions of reconciliation. Whatever the couple does, IMO it should be healthy and new rather than a repetition of past patterns of behavior which led to the breakup. The past is dead and over. Try something different.

Posted

Anyone who has ever wanted me back came practically begging on all fours. Asking what could they do, how did I want them to be, blah, blah, blah. No breadcrumbs but true remorse and tears.

  • Like 2
Posted

I think remorse is the key.

Posted
Anyone who has ever wanted me back came practically begging on all fours. Asking what could they do, how did I want them to be, blah, blah, blah. No breadcrumbs but true remorse and tears.

 

In my 40 years, I have had the same experience with women who wanted a second chance with me. I'm guessing about about 7 or 8 have done this.

 

I have had other Exes come back years later who genuinely just wanted to say hi, see how I was doing, catch up, etc. By that time, we were both well over the relationship / break up. So for both of us it was a good experience.

Posted

Both knowing you have a unique chemistry together, and both wanting and willing to work hard at making it last, that is the key. I'm 42, been with a lot of girls, 6 long term relationships, I'd say as far as undeniable real unique chemistry, I've had it 4 times in my life. Still today, I'd fight for any of those girls, if they would do the same for me.

Posted

I don't want an ex to come begging that's kind of pathetic. If they want a second chance they will go about it in a mature way to prove why they're better the second time around. Its like being at a car dealership... I need to be sold rather than convinced.

  • Author
Posted

Thanks for all of the responses. I was just pointing from all my personal experiences, my exs..never came back begging, just throwing hints and breadcrumbs.

Posted
Thanks for all of the responses. I was just pointing from all my personal experiences, my exs..never came back begging, just throwing hints and breadcrumbs.

 

The ones that returned wanting a second chance didn't just show up at my door and they were not on their hands and knees either. I am just saying they made it real clear from the get go what their goal, agenda and purpose was for contacting me.

 

Did some start out with a simple.. "How are you?" and "Hey!", of course. However, within a minute or two they made it crystal clear what their intentions were.

Posted

My fiance left me three times in the past. After time 1, he asked for me back. Time 2, he asked multiple times and tried to prove himself slightly. Time 3, he almost lost it when he found out I was living with another guy. He was excited when he found out I kicked the guy out a couple months later, and then he really worked hard on the reconciliation. He did cry, show lots of remorse and explained to me multiple times how his perceptions had changed in so many areas of his life bringing about lasting change for us. I didn't go easy on him at all.

 

It is a couple years later now, we are getting married in a couple of months and things are great. His therapy made an awesome difference.

 

I had to see the remorse to believe the relationship was meaningful to him.

  • Like 4
Posted

When people arrive here after a break-up, they're usually in a terrible emotional state.

 

Advice tends to be geared towards helping them to manage their expectations when they can't think clearly. It is also focused on helping them to heal, rather than to get their ex back.

 

RE breadcrumbs - it is very difficult to get something fulfilling from a handful of breadcrumbs - try and throw them into your mouth and they'll probably land everywhere, all over your face, down your top, on the floor etc. It's a bit of a mess and you look like a fool. Even with a whole box of breadcrumbs probably won't make a great meal.

 

However, if you add something new and substantial, like a fillet of chicken and some egg, then you'll probably find it a lot more satisfying.

 

This is pretty much what it amounts to - unless you have something substantial and new that changes the situation, it's difficult to advise someone to risk their heart again. If they do, they're likely to be left dissatisfied and still 'hungry'.

  • Like 2
Posted

what a fantastic way of putting it Jan. :)

  • Like 1
Posted

For me, my ex came "breaking down the door" to get me into the relationship in the first place. I had gone NC on her after she started dating one of my friends following a long period of me chasing her. Once that relationship failed, she showed up crying.

 

The second time started as breadcrumbs that didn't even lead to a follow-up on her part for nearly a month later. The third time... wait... there was no third time. Just breadcrumbs. :confused:

Posted

I'd be pretty skeptical. After an ex fed me breadcrumbs I felt like a complete fool. Only to be stood up and then verbally abused. Not impressed at all.

Posted

OP needs to read suddendumpee's thread.

Posted

When I read the title of this thread, I thought yeah and I'm glad the standards are high. Better than being a doormat.

Posted

All I know is that I don't deserve breadcrumbs. The least I deserve is a full loaf of bread and a damn beer.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted

I hope everything goes well for everyone, we all got our own preferences.

Posted

We deserve better than breadcrumbs.

 

If you're just looking for a short-lived last hurrah, then go ahead and follow the breadcrumbs. If you want to rebuild your relationship into something lasting, then you and your ex need to take that time apart to gain some perspective, work out what needs improvement and where the relationship went wrong, and agree to fix those issues for a fresh start.

 

But here's the thing: the dumper also needs some time to realize he or she has made a huge mistake. And they have to admit that to you, apologize, and be clear that they want to try to make it work. If the reconciliation is initiated by the dumpee, that places a huge power imbalance in the new relationship. The dumper may feel that they don't have to work as hard because they're the ones who took their begging ex back. Resentment could grow on both sides: the dumper might feel like they're "settling" for someone they deemed unworthy once, the dumpee might feel insecure about their status in the dumper's eyes.

 

Letting the dumper be the one to beg for a second chance this time around evens the playing field, and gives you both a chance to put equal effort into rebuilding your relationship.

Posted

The point is...

 

When you are over your Ex (may take several months / years)... Them reaching out and contacting you will have no effect on you.

 

I have had the privilege of hearing from various Exes throughout my 20's and 30's. Some just wanted to catch up, some wanted to see if I was open to a second chance and some just wanted to apologize for stuff they did back when we dated years ago.

 

I never once had an unpleasant experience and we were generally happy to talk, share and catch up.

 

Now if you still have feelings for them, NC is best until those go away.

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