Coffee20 Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 So I did it AGAIN! After 2 weeks of NC, I called him, just wanted to tell him that I don't want to have negative tension and we should at least say each other hi when we meet. He didn't pick up, I called again, he didn't pick up again. Then he sent me message whether I want to meet and talk, I said yes (although I didn't want to). I missed him but I really didn't want to be in relationship with him anymore (or I thought it). I remained things he told me, how he treated me, how he f me off 4 times and I came back 4 times begging and kneeling. How he lied to me, went out with his girl friends, told me how he missed me and wanted to see me and next day he changed his mind, didn't have time for me. How he told me I could look like this and that. I thought I could handle the situation but I lost myself again. I saw him and felt him and I started to cry and beg again. I can't believe myself, yesterday I sent him 6 pages long letter how I love him, his answer is no...I can't be with you. He also told me this yesterday face to face NO I CAN'T BE WITH YOU. And here I am again, it's like the first day we broke. (or this time I broke) There must be something wrong with me, my last relationship lasted 3 years and my ex bf cheated on me and f me off all the time, I always came back and beg to take me back, then he cut off the contact for example for one month and then he called me and after a while he cheated again and didn't even bother to hide it. I am lost, today I again want to be with him, I know it's impossible, this situation is awful.
Chrisal23 Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 I think its best you stick with NC this time. He seems to have chosen to do his life without you. I know it's hard but you have to do this to yourself. You don't deserve for anyone to treat you like that. In fact if anything he should be coming back to you. It also seems like there's a pattern here. I suggest you take a good long vacation to find yourself. Good luck with everything.
Author Coffee20 Posted May 1, 2012 Author Posted May 1, 2012 I just think he always wanted to be without me it was only me who tried to work things out all the time. Why did he agreed to see me? I quite don't understand, he also told that we might be friends. I just can't understand why this man, I gave almost everything I have had, doesn't love me back.
geegirl Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 (edited) I just think he always wanted to be without me it was only me who tried to work things out all the time. Why did he agreed to see me? I quite don't understand, he also told that we might be friends. I just can't understand why this man, I gave almost everything I have had, doesn't love me back. It's time you stop analyzing the behaviors of your current ex and your past ex, because all the arrows are pointing at you. Time to start working on yourself and finding out why it is you feel the need to beg someone to love you. What about you feels it's healthy to go back to a cheating boyfriend? Where is your self-value? You have no boundaries. You'll take "love" in any shape or form as long as it's attention, any attention is attention. Even if it tears you to shreds, you'll step blindly into it and embrace it. You teach people how to treat you. You taught your ex that cheating behavior is acceptable when you went back to him. That tells him that you will stand for anything because all you need is truly, nothing. You teach people how to treat you. You recent ex lied to you, went out with other girls, extended hot and cold treatment and there you remained. Accepting ill treatment without setting boundaries for yourself. If you don't respect yourself, no one will. You don't require effort and when you don't require effort, men will treat you like you are nothing. Why? Because it is easy. You gave him all you had? Why? He gave you nothing back. You gave because you felt that if you gave everything you had, you'd be able to win his love. Wrong. A relationship is 100/100. If it's not reciprocal, it's time to reevaluate. It's not time to sit there and give some more because you're trying garner his love and attention. You can sit here and ask yourself why don't they love me. Well, how can anyone love you when you don't even love yourself. You think a man is going to have respect and treat you like the queen you are when you let them walk all over you. It starts with loving yourself and putting yourself first. When you start to do that, you learn to know what's bad and good for you. You learn to identify the s*** and embrace the good. Right now, you can't even decipher what's good or bad because you're so dependent on someone, anyone to validate your value. You see a pattern. Your choices in men need to change. You need to redeem your self-esteem. You need figure out what your boundaries are. Where you'll draw the line. We all need and want love, but it's not just any kind of love. It has to be love that is healthy and nurturing for you. Edited May 1, 2012 by geegirl 2
Philosoraptor Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 I just can't understand why this man, I gave almost everything I have had, doesn't love me back. That's not a question that needs to be answered, and no one can answer it for you. It just is how it is. Take care of yourself, do not contact him, and work on your healing. Once you have truly healed and are ready to move on you will find someone who does love and appreciate you exactly how you are. 1
gibson Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 Great job as always geegirl! Many of us here could benefit from doing what you have said above.
stillafool Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 I just think he always wanted to be without me it was only me who tried to work things out all the time. Why did he agreed to see me? I quite don't understand, he also told that we might be friends. I just can't understand why this man, I gave almost everything I have had, doesn't love me back. I think he wanted to see you in person to make it clear to you that you two aren't going to get back together. You did send him a 6 page letter telling him how much you love him and called him twice. I guess he felt that all of that warranted a sit down talk to make things clearer for you. You need to let it go now and not beg this man to love you anymore. Maybe you should get some independent counseling to get you through this breakup and help you find the reasons for choosing guys who don't want to be available for you. Just let it go.
Author Coffee20 Posted May 1, 2012 Author Posted May 1, 2012 thanks everyone for your replies, it helps a lot.... although still don't understand why this man was with me, he could leave if he didn't want me at the beginning and not to tell me through the relationship that he doesn't need me and want me
geegirl Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 thanks everyone for your replies, it helps a lot.... although still don't understand why this man was with me, he could leave if he didn't want me at the beginning and not to tell me through the relationship that he doesn't need me and want me Coffee, there are people out there that will manipulate and abuse another to get their needs met, whichever way THEY can. You can sit here and question his actions but you have to ask yourself what about you stayed in a relationship with a man that kept telling you he didn't need you or want you. It was your duty to protect yourself by removing YOU from a situation that you knew was going to hurt you. You can sit back and cry and say "but why did he", but even when he did, you chose to accept it. When you accept bad behavior, guess what, you tell that person that they can do to you as they may. He may have stayed to get the nookie. He may have stayed to get his ego boost. He may have stayed to have the security of woman available to him 24-7 while he played the field. Like I said, you were a woman that needed no effort. And being the douchebag that he is, you were a benefit to him. Why would a douchebag give up on someone who doesn't require much but still stands by his side? You can analyze his behavior but what it all boils down to is why you accepted being treated that way. Time to look at yourself rather than the butthead. 4
Author Coffee20 Posted May 1, 2012 Author Posted May 1, 2012 geegirl, thank you again, I just think I was so in love with him that I tried no to see these things at the beginning though they bothered me a lot. For example we went to our second date and after that I asked him to be my bf, he said yes. One week later I asked if he could teach me one subject at school (he was very good at it), he told me he won't have time for the next week. We met week after and he told me that he went with another girl (who he admired for her look a lot) and taught her the exactly same subject, I was angry with him and told him why didn't he teach me with her or why didn't have time next days (because then he did the whole week nothing). I thought I was going to let him go, but all of the sudden I realized it could be my fault and here it started I told him sorry bought him something and tried to give more. I thought these situations will disappear but they appeared more and more and I always tried to act better just to get his attention.
stillafool Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 Next time don't try so hard. Let the guy make an effort to win you. That way you will know he is interested in you and you won't have to do the chasing. Most guys like to pursue the girl, not the other way around. 2
geegirl Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 (edited) geegirl, thank you again, I just think I was so in love with him that I tried no to see these things at the beginning though they bothered me a lot. For example we went to our second date and after that I asked him to be my bf, he said yes. One week later I asked if he could teach me one subject at school (he was very good at it), he told me he won't have time for the next week. We met week after and he told me that he went with another girl (who he admired for her look a lot) and taught her the exactly same subject, I was angry with him and told him why didn't he teach me with her or why didn't have time next days (because then he did the whole week nothing). I thought I was going to let him go, but all of the sudden I realized it could be my fault and here it started I told him sorry bought him something and tried to give more. I thought these situations will disappear but they appeared more and more and I always tried to act better just to get his attention. Sometimes it's easy to just chalk it up to love when infact there's so much more going on within us that make us ignore the red flags. If your self esteem was healthy, you wouldn't be tolerating anything less than behavior that was upstanding and respectful. You are more inclined to accept ill treatment when you have no regard for yourself. You have no regard for yourself. You literally would eat glass to make this man pay attention to you. And if you don't fix YOU, you will most likely pick the same type of men because this is all you know. The more they reject you, the more you desperately try to seek their approval. Stop. Why would you ask someone to be your boyfriend when you've only been out on a date, twice. 1) You get to know someone first, for as long as you can before you decide he is worthy of your time and effort. Two dates will not cut it. 2) Don't ever ask a man to be your boyfriend. It shows desperation. As Stillfool mentioned, most guys like to pursue. When you chase, you kill their interest. If he doesn't need to put any effort into you, he'll treat you like nothing and it's exactly what he did. He was even mean enough to rub it in your face and tell you he tutored another girl. Then you went out and bought him a gift! Rewarding bad behavior with gifts! Would you want a man who is weak and desperate chasing you around? You'd be turned off, right? Would you have respect for him is he let you trample all over him? No, you wouldn't. Would you find him attractive that no matter how much you disrespected him, he'd come around bearing gifts and apologies? You'd find him repulsive, wouldn't you. So turn all those scenarios around. Would you find you appealing if you behaved in such a way. You have to work on yourself Coffee. Chasing after people to feel loved and validated will never work. It has to come from within and when you find it, you'll never settle for another douchebag. Edited May 1, 2012 by geegirl 1
Author Coffee20 Posted May 1, 2012 Author Posted May 1, 2012 geegirl, you are so right...but I knew this man one month before I asked him to be my bf and we talked a lot and I was platonicaly in love with him half year before....that time I didn't see anything wrong if a girl tries first but I understand completely what you tell me :/ and I see clearly that my self esteem is so low, but I don't know I was and still I am in so much love with him
geegirl Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 geegirl, you are so right...but I knew this man one month before I asked him to be my bf and we talked a lot and I was platonicaly in love with him half year before....that time I didn't see anything wrong if a girl tries first but I understand completely what you tell me :/ and I see clearly that my self esteem is so low, but I don't know I was and still I am in so much love with him It's completely fine to still feel love for him. Don't beat yourself up about that. It's difficult to have mental clarity and define the true nature of someone or a situation when you are emotionally entangled. All you feel is natural and it's okay to have these feelings. He's given you his answer. It hurts like hell. I know because I have been there before, more than once. But healing is a process. In order to get past the pain, you have to go through it. Feel those emotions but do not react when you feel them come. It will pass, I promise you that. Breaking NC will always take you back to that same dark place you were trying to escape. Everytime you go back, you hope for change but sadly, he will not change nor will your situation. What you can change is the outcome of YOU. You have to make different choices for yourself now. Breaking NC is not working in your favor. So now you accept the fact that it is finally done and you move forward, as painful as it is. There is no alternative. No begging. No pleading. No hoping. In time, as you fill the void in your life, you will be able to cope emotionally and find mental clarity. Just staying away from him is not going to fix the problem. You now have to start working on rebuilding yourself from scratch. You identify that your self-esteem is low. Best to put men and relationships aside because you are no good to anyone, even yourself. It's time to start building a relationship with yourself.
Author Coffee20 Posted May 1, 2012 Author Posted May 1, 2012 I just want to thank you all, all your replies help me a lot to understand a situation, thank you! I am glad to found this place.
zero123 Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 Coffee20, I think I am going through exactly the same situation. my ex had a drunken kiss with another girl at a bar which he didnt remember. he found out he had saved a number on his cell and he contacted her to find out what happened. they spoke a few times through IMs after that. he got a text from her 2 weeks later while he was out with friends at a bar and he met up with her outside the bar and kissed her again twice. i called him up that night and he suddenly told me he couldn't be with me anymore. i was shocked and went to his place and he told me what happened. he kept the first incident from me because he said he didn't want to distract me from my studies as i was preparing for 2 exams at that time. he apologised and told me he was confused. he thought our 4 month relationship wasn't going well as we had a lot of arguments frequently. he liked me very much but he didn't want the drama. i cried the whole night and he asked me back and i accepted. i have become very emotionally dependent on him and when he wasn't around i tended to have a feeling that he was out with his friends drinking and getting drunk and he would kiss another girl again. i was an emotional wreck and felt so insecure even when i was with him. he still went to the same bar and had drinks with friends after work. i talked to a couple of my close girlfriends and they all told me to cut loose. then i finally got the courage to break up with him 6 days ago. it has been painful ever since. i kept myself busy all week with work and friends. but today, i broke NC. i spoke to him on the phone almost for the whole day. we chatted and he said he is trying to move forward in life and moving on. he still cares and if i have any problems in my life or at work (he is a coworker), i could still reach out to him for help. after breaking NC, it felt good because i know what he is up to. but after getting off the phone for a few hours or so, i feel like i'm back to day 1 again. he cheated on me and he made it clear that he didn't want to have a relationship anymore. but he obviously still cares for me. so why are we letting this go..? i feel very tempted to ask him to come back.
Author Coffee20 Posted May 12, 2012 Author Posted May 12, 2012 zero123: I think you should not break contact unless you really know you want him back.....I did and now I know it was a mistake, after this we met in person on Monday for the last time and look what he told me - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/325243-my-ex-told-me I really feel like a wreck now though today I keep myself busy with school, still feel very angry
jennisfora Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 i'm sorry you are going through this. you may have issues relating to "fixer-uppers" the desire to fix or make someone love you that is unwilling. if you haven't yet, you may want to look into baggagereclaim.com, it has a lot of information on unavailable men, and why some women seek them out over and over. i have also read that it may be the way commitmentphobia manifests for women, intentionally choosing targets that don't suit their needs and won't last. another sign of female commitmentphobia is choosing long distance relationships, falling in love too fast, giving too much too soon, that sort of thing. basically, you are sabotaging yourself. you are pursuing people that you know deep down have issues that won't work. no idea if that is like you or not, there is also codependency, if you are afraid to be alone, or stay single. there are resources to look into that. either way, i recommend you use the energy that you are using trying to figure this guy out, and direct it toward yourself, try to figure yourself out and why and how you think. find out what your issues are. if it is self esteem, therapy might help, or i hear exercise helps, at least with the surge of endorphins. look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you deserve better. and soon you will believe it. you might have to retrain your inner critic. *hugs*
zero123 Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 Thanks Jennisfora and Coffee. I jumped into a relationship with this guy too fast. I had a crush on him (secretly) and when we got introduced, we hit it off very well. When he asked me out, it was like a dream came true. I didn't think twice before falling for this guy and it was a mistake. It would be great if anyone could suggest ways that I could truly convince myself to stop sabotaging myself and to stay away from him because I just couldn't help but check his fb (even tho i deleted him off but could still see his friends list) and his whatsapp status. I still feel hurt and angry when I found out he was out late at night. I don't know why I still care so much. I just couldn't help but think about all the good times that we shared instead of the bad times. HELP!
Author Coffee20 Posted May 13, 2012 Author Posted May 13, 2012 zero123: I see it now, it really looks similar to my story, I fell too quickly and secretly loved this guy before too. You have to block him, then you can't check his facebook, because it won't appear anymore, I blocked also some of his classmates, not because I hate them but I don't want to see what he says. He can be very cruel and he would do just anything to make me jealous and sad, also he would never delete me from facebook by himself. I wish you good luck with it, I hope you will get well soon
ToyWithMe812 Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 I just think he always wanted to be without me it was only me who tried to work things out all the time. Why did he agreed to see me? I quite don't understand, he also told that we might be friends. I just can't understand why this man, I gave almost everything I have had, doesn't love me back. To be sinister, to be evil, to have the hollow satisfaction that they have power over you. You are in extreme pain, it will lessen over time; more for some, less for others. Also, I cannot stress this enough, there is not one good reason whatsoever to "remain friends" after such a thing has transpired, unless it was an absolutley mutual agreement. Beyond that, nothing good can come of that. Let time take its course to heal you and let yourself move on.
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