xdelilah Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 hi everyone, i need some advice...I've told my friends all this and I dont know what to do. My bf and i been dating for 3 and half yrs and we got along pretty good. We had our ups and downs time to time. Mostly with his brother who doesnt like me. It wasnt until last July when i gained alot of weight he told me he didnt find me as atrractive since i gained alot of weight. He claims he said that to motivate me and i said no its not a good way to do that. Anyways i told him that i was gonna lose once i leave my old job because it was depressing. Nonethelss he didnt believe me...well now i lost 50lbs and during those months he mentioned how he wanted my to get the keratin treatment because my hair is curly and i said no he said hell pay. I said its not that..im scared to do it cause itll damage and maybe i can lose my hair. He got mad but dropped it...then he said for me to get spray tans since im so pale and its hard for me to tan easily. I said its too much $$ hes like he will pay. But anyways come this past february he tells me how he met this new guy at work...and hes excited finally a guy. I didnt think nothing of it...he works in an office full of women. He is telling me how he shook his hand for 3min and im like um baby something is weird...sounds like gay and hes like no. Then i noticed LESS phone calls from him..i thought nothing of it...until he mentions how he got this guy phone number and how hes so excited he got a new friend and im like um....okay.....then hes like yourej ust jealous of my new friend. Im like no im not...i got friends too. Then one day i got so irritated i called his number i wanted see how this guy sounds on the phone...i honestly thought he is gay...he sounded not gay but you know...so he kept saying how great my bf is and how hes gonna hang out with him all the time THEY LIVE CLOSE BY. i was like um.....okay i said i am telling you this guy is strange and i want to meet him first and hes like no you dont need too...then he tellin me how his girls at work saying i got him on lock down and now hes not going to be??? im like umm??? wtf...then i said i want to meet him to make sure he aint gay first before yall go out i can drop by your job and hes like no you will not meet him until i hang out with him after a while. I Got so MAD...i said FINE go do whatever...PLEASE STOP mentioning the guy its annoying and mind you with verizon phones i know when hes talking to another person...he wouldnt click over when i called he saying how hes talking to his new friend...Im like um??? Yall are at work...he works in a diff department...shouldnt yall be working??? so anyways 3weeks ago he asks me to go out and im busy with school...i work full time and go to school full time...he just works full time he already finished school..i am 26 and he is 28...and hes like well im going out with his new friend and im like um...if you do go out im going to be pissed...so come that day he texts me hes drunk and im worried and he calls me and says hes at this bar...and he was WASTED beyond belief...something he dont do...at all. This guy is 22 and single and just moved here from California which he doesnt know why and i asked the guy why he said STUFF...and my friend background checked him cuz i couldnt stand the guy he sounded off...and he has a criminal background for some prohibited weapons. i was so pissed that night she told me. i called him and said where are you and i said im coming and hes like no dont come...i came anways and he lied about where he was at first...then i finally found him and i threw the beer at him and said gimme his keys and hes like no go away. i got in his friends face said look what you did allowing him get drunk like this...oh and when he met you all he does is talk to you instead of me!!!! he just kept smirking like a fool...so when he came back from drying his shirt i said listen this guy is a criminal and i want take you home hes wasted and says go away and stop embarassing me... and i went into his pants got his car keys and hes like give me the keys and i said no youre wasted and his friends like ill take him home and im like no you been drinking too...and my bf said hed let me take him home in 15min the bar was about to close, cuz i pleaded if you love me you let me take you home...he lied and called and said his friends taking him home and got furious i took his keys...and i said if you keep this stuff up im telling your mom(his mom loves me)...and so instead of being nice he kept saying how hes going report me and stuff...and to go away...so i was so sad threw up all night i was so sick. told him mom and yea that made him more mad...anyways i said you need to drop him as a friend and then we can get back together and hes like thats not fair hes a good guy...i said i dont want you to go out with him drinking and get pulled over and become a loser...and a failure...i told him i had back ups from other guys...hes like ok go out with them and how hes upset. i felt bad so i went over to his house to apologize unexpectantly and he got furious i came in and said go away and pushed me...i ran away crying and he came apologized...then hes like we need to talk cuz apparently hes mad because yes i am a virgin and i wanted to wait till i graduate from college because i wanted have my degree incase kids...and he waited...we did other stuff...you know...and hes mad i have a full time job now so im working more...and he still thinks of me as the depressed person i was when i had gained alot of weight...i told him that he says no...but hes like well hell call me and and i said you might be too late...and i didnt talk to him for 5 days and i get texts how he misses me and im his missing person...etc...until he text me i got another man and hell leave me alone...i replied i need time to think and then we just argue more...so he tells me how he got a new job interview...i helped him find the interview questions and hes like you know everything...and im like yes now you see why i dont like that guy...he tells me he went out with him AGAIN the weekend before ...and went to A BAR AGAIN!!! and his friend bought him drinks and food??? and he was sad ...so he went home early...he claims his friend says nothing bad about me...but when he talks to him hes angry...all the time...so this past saturday i come over as a friend dressed all sexy and he was very excited...cuz i wanted to work on "us" i do love him! we go out to mall have a good time he was very excited...that was another issue that i didnt dress sexy all the time since i lost weight...so we go out to eat and he rubbin on me and im like what are you doing am i your gf again and hes like yes if uwant to be and he apologizes and says how he wants spend more time with me and cant wait to have sex with me and stuff...and isaid okay will make more time for us...so we go back to his place and do some other sexual stuff and he was excited and happy and i go to sleep and hes like in the morning when i leave....we still need to talk??? im like TALK?? i thought we did...hes like no ...about us im like oh brother...so sunday night i go out with my coworker looking for a dress for the concert we just went to today and he calls me ...apparently he wanted to talk??? But i didnt know???? he always been saying lets talk...but his friend works every other weekend so i figured he calls me cuz his bff isnt ready to talk??? so tonight our concert im all dressed up and whole time walkin there he dont hold my hand and hes walking in front of me and he mentions his friend several times and im pissed...so he didnt enjoy the concert he had a headace apparently. and im like okay so i got his phone lied and said i wana see his facebook and i saw the first person he called today was his GUY FRIEND...NOT ME?? i was so sad...and he said he was gonna call me back later and he just called him again and texted him all day instead of even talking to me for more than 1min...i told him that i was pissed i saw that...hes like oh i wanted talk to you last night but you went out...and im like it was FOR YOU and our night...hes like well...oh and he complains i slammed the door to loud when he dropped me off work?? im like ugh....ssoooooo i told him you hurt me and he just says you dont feel sorry for what you ddid that night... im like i said sorry for spilling the beer...and he says he claims he called his guyfriend first cuz hes the last caller???? im like bs!!!! he mentions him with me during the ride and concert 3 times...i couldnt stand it.....so i said you have more of a relationship with him than me..and hes like well youre not there and im like what i thought we mentioned at the restaurant more time for us, but you dont even TRY!! And hes like ill talk to you later and im like imtired of you saying later and our talks,, we need to write this down because you surely will change your mind.... i dont know what to do anymore...i accused him of finding another girl with that guy but he claims no he isnt looking for other girls with him...i dont want to be with him how he acts when hes talking to that guy...i dont get his sick relationship with that guy????he claims hes not gay but what is he hiding im going crazy???
Emilia Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 Hi OP, you need to repost with paragraphs included otherwise no-one will read the text. 4
ASG Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 I read about half of it, until I got lost in the sea of text.. And sorry... You get no sympathy. Your BF got a new friend and you decided that the friend wasn't good enough and tried to control how much he saw of his friend. So if you lose your BF... it' on you...
Professor X Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 -------------\o/---------------- Help! I'm drowning! 3
Yare Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 I started reading it but then I got dizzy, and had to lay down :sick: 1
ascendotum Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 his new friend is probably an easy going dude, and hanging out with him, gives him an excuse to get out of the house and have time off from you. (reading between the lines of this post)
stillafool Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 You sound a bit controlling from what I could read. I had to stop reading because my eyes were starting to cross. Please use paragraphs. 1
Author xdelilah Posted May 1, 2012 Author Posted May 1, 2012 hi everyone, i need some advice...I've told my friends all this and I dont know what to do. My bf and i been dating for 3 and half yrs and we got along pretty good. We had our ups and downs time to time. Mostly with his brother who doesnt like me. It wasnt until last July when i gained alot of weight he told me he didnt find me as atrractive since i gained alot of weight. He claims he said that to motivate me and i said no its not a good way to do that. Anyways i told him that i was gonna lose once i leave my old job because it was depressing. Nonethelss he didnt believe me. Well now i lost 50lbs and during those months he mentioned how he wanted my to get the keratin treatment because my hair is curly and i said no he said hell pay. I said its not that. Im scared to do it cause itll damage and maybe i can lose my hair. He got mad but dropped it. Then he said for me to get spray tans since im so pale and its hard for me to tan easily. I said its too much $$ hes like he will pay. But anyways come this past february he tells me how he met this new guy at work...and hes excited finally a guy. I didnt think nothing of it. He works in an office full of women. He is telling me how he shook his hand for 3min and im like um baby something is weird. I said it sounds like this guy is gay and hes like no. Then i noticed LESS phone calls from him. i thought nothing of it...until he mentions how he got this guy phone number and how hes so excited he got a new friend and im like um ok. Then hes like youre just jealous of my new friend. Im like no im not. I got friends too. Then one day i got so irritated i called his number i wanted see how this guy sounds on the phone. I honestly thought he is gay. So he kept saying how great my bf is and how hes gonna hang out with him all the time THEY LIVE CLOSE BY. I said i am telling you this guy is strange and i want to meet him first and hes like no you dont need too...then he tellin me how his girls at work saying i got him on lock down and now hes not going to be??? Wtf...then i said i want to meet him to make sure he aint gay first before yall go out i can drop by your job and hes like no you will not meet him until i hang out with him after a while. I Got so MAD...i said FINE go do whatever...PLEASE STOP mentioning the guy its annoying and mind you with verizon phones i know when hes talking to another person...he wouldnt click over when i called he saying how hes talking to his new friend...Im like um??? Yall are at work...he works in a diff department...shouldnt yall be working??? anyways 3weeks ago he asks me to go out and im busy with school...i work full time and go to school full time...he just works full time he already finished school..i am 26 and he is 28...and hes like well im going out with his new friend and im like um...if you do go out im going to be pissed. so come that day he texts me hes drunk and im worried and he calls me and says hes at this bar...and he was WASTED beyond belief...something he dont do...at all. This guy is 22 and single and just moved here from California which he doesnt know why and i asked the guy why he said STUFF...and my friend background checked him cuz i couldnt stand the guy and he has a criminal background for some prohibited weapons. i was so pissed that night she told me. i called him and said where are you and i said im coming and hes like no dont come...i came anways and he lied about where he was at first...then i finally found him and i threw the beer at him and said gimme his keys and hes like no go away. i got in his friends face said look what you did allowing him get drunk like this...oh and when he met you all he does is talk to you instead of me!!!! he just kept smirking like a fool...so when he came back from drying his shirt i said listen this guy is a criminal and i want take you home hes wasted and says go away and stop embarassing me... and i went into his pants got his car keys and hes like give me the keys and i said no youre wasted and his friends like ill take him home and im like no you been drinking too...and my bf said hed let me take him home in 15min the bar was about to close, cuz i pleaded if you love me you let me take you home...he lied and called and said his friends taking him home and got furious i took his keys...and i said if you keep this stuff up im telling your mom(his mom loves me).. so instead of being nice he kept saying how hes going report me and stuff...and to go away...so i was so sad threw up all night i was so sick. told him mom and yea that made him more mad...anyways i said you need to drop him as a friend and then we can get back together and hes like thats not fair hes a good guy. I said i dont want you to go out with him drinking and get pulled over and become a loser, a failure...i told him i had back ups from other guys. Hes like ok go out with them and how hes upset. i felt bad so i went over to his house to apologize unexpectantly and he got furious i came in and said go away and pushed me...i ran away crying and he came apologized...then hes like we need to talk cuz apparently hes mad because yes i am a virgin and i wanted to wait till i graduate from college because i wanted have my degree incase kids...and he waited...we did other stuff...you know...and hes mad i have a full time job now so im working more...and he still thinks of me as the depressed person i was when i had gained alot of weight...i told him that he says no...but hes like well hell call me and and i said you might be too late...and i didnt talk to him for 5 days and i get texts how he misses me and im his missing person...etc...until he text me i got another man and hell leave me alone... i replied i need time to think and then we just argue more...so he tells me how he got a new job interview...i helped him find the interview questions and hes like you know everything...and im like yes now you see why i dont like that guy...he tells me he went out with him AGAIN the weekend before ...and went to A BAR AGAIN!!! and his friend bought him drinks and food??? and he was sad ...so he went home early...he claims his friend says nothing bad about me...but when he talks to him hes angry...all the time... so this past saturday i come over as a friend dressed all sexy and he was very excited...cuz i wanted to work on "us" i do love him! we go out to mall have a good time he was very excited...that was another issue that i didnt dress sexy all the time since i lost weight...so we go out to eat and he rubbin on me and im like what are you doing am i your gf again and hes like yes if u want to be and he apologizes and says how he wants spend more time with me and cant wait to have sex with me and stuff...and isaid okay will make more time for us...so we go back to his place and do some other sexual stuff and he was excited and happy and i go to sleep and hes like in the morning when i leave. we still need to talk??? im like TALK?? i thought we did...hes like no about us im like oh brother...so sunday night i go out with my coworker looking for a dress for the concert we just went to today and he calls me ...apparently he wanted to talk??? But i didnt know???? he always been saying lets talk...but his friend works every other weekend so i figured he calls me cuz his bff isnt ready to talk??? so tonight our concert im all dressed up and whole time walkin there he dont hold my hand and hes walking in front of me and he mentions his friend several times and im pissed...so he didnt enjoy the concert he had a headace apparently. and im like okay so i got his phone lied and said i wana see his facebook and i saw the first person he called today was his GUY FRIEND...NOT ME?? i was so sad...and he said he was gonna call me back later and he just called him again and texted him all day instead of even talking to me for more than 1min...i told him that i was pissed i saw that. hes like oh i wanted talk to you last night but you went out...and im like it was FOR YOU and our night...hes like well...oh and he complains i slammed the door to loud when he dropped me off work?? im like ugh....ssoooooo i told him you hurt me and he just says you dont feel sorry for what you did that night... im like i said sorry for spilling the beer...and he says he claims he called his guyfriend first cuz hes the last caller???? im like bs!!!! he mentions him with me during the ride and concert 3 times...i couldnt stand it.....so i said you have more of a relationship with him than me..and hes like well youre not there and im like what i thought we mentioned at the restaurant more time for us, but you dont even TRY!! And hes like ill talk to you later and im like imtired of you saying later and our talks, we need to write this down because you surely will change your mind.... i dont know what to do anymore...i accused him of finding another girl with that guy but he claims no he isnt looking for other girls with him...i dont want to be with him how he acts when hes talking to that guy...i dont get his sick relationship with that guy????he claims hes not gay but what is he hiding im going crazy???
Author xdelilah Posted May 1, 2012 Author Posted May 1, 2012 ok im sorry i normally never really posted on forums. I reposted it. If yall can reread it, i just needed some advice? I know some of you said im controlling but please re-read the whole thing.....
ASG Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 I'd read most of it before, but in any case, thank you for reposting, it made it MUCH easier! I stand by my position from before. You are being very controlling. Imagine if it happened the other way around: You met a new girl friend and your boyfriend didn't like it and told you to stop seeing her, for whatever reason, even accusing you of being gay... How would you react? I know I wouldn't stand for it, no matter how much I loved my BF. I am an independent woman and even when I'm in a relationship, I like to be independent. That included having friends. If my BF tried to take me away from friends, new or old, it would be a MAJOR issue and would probably result in a break up.
Author xdelilah Posted May 1, 2012 Author Posted May 1, 2012 My bf has told me to stop seeing some of my friends so i can spend time with him more and he didnt get why i kept going out with them so much. He never accused of being gay but honestly I never talked to them more than I talked to him? Dont you find that strange??? and when I try to work on it with him he just continues to talk to him more?
Emilia Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 My bf has told me to stop seeing some of my friends so i can spend time with him more and he didnt get why i kept going out with them so much. He never accused of being gay but honestly I never talked to them more than I talked to him? Dont you find that strange??? and when I try to work on it with him he just continues to talk to him more? I think the two of you have a power struggle rather than a mutually trusting relationship. Is this how your relationships usually turn out or just this one?
Author xdelilah Posted May 1, 2012 Author Posted May 1, 2012 The first two guys cheated on me before we even hit the 6month mark. So no? I find it strange that some other guy gets all the phone attention over me? Isn't that not weird???
Emilia Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 The first two guys cheated on me before we even hit the 6month mark. So no? I find it strange that some other guy gets all the phone attention over me? Isn't that not weird??? In that particular situation you are referring to, it appears he was trying to make you angry on purpose by being passive aggressive rather than say directly what his issue was. I think the issues in your relationship are quite complex and relations between you have deteriorated significantly. There is little trust and you constantly fight. It seems your boyfriend feels he needs to have one-upmanship with you all the time and perhaps that's the case because you are quite controlling. Maybe you are controlling because you were treated badly in the past - but he doesn't get that. He just sees you as someone who is trying to get her way with him all the time and he is trying to compete with you. Neither of you are behaving like responsible, mature adults despite the fact that you are both in your late 20s. You are more like a pair of kids fighting in public to be honest.
Mme. Chaucer Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 So … you are afraid your boyfriend is secretly gay, and you want to enforce him to not be gay? Is that the bottom line?
dasein Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 1. Your BF sounds insensitive with respect to your weight and hair. This could be a sign that he doesn't respect you or value the relationship that much. 2. You have been dating for 3+ years and no sex? It's your right to wait til marriage, but realize that very few people today do that, and your BF likely knows this. It's likely that his new friend is telling him that he shouldn't put up with that, should get out and sow his oats. There is also a prospective sexual orientation issue here, as you seem to worry about your BF's orientation. Is he effeminate? Does he try to initiate sex with you? If he doesn't initiate assertively, and you have been dating 3 years, there is a possibility he is gay and closeted. Does your faith have a problem with contraception or sex before marriage? Are you devout? If contraception isn't an issue, I fail to see "not wanting children" as a good excuse for not having a normal sex life. Forgive me if you are in a different culture than the West or a devout member of an orthodox religion. 3. It is possible that the relationship is just played out? I don't find your worries about your BF's drinking and rapid behavior changes to be "controlling" at all, but realize that people change and you two may just be growing apart. Good luck.
ASG Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 She's not waiting for marriage... just for the end of the course! It is written in her post. How is it not wanting your BF/GF to go out with a new friend not controlling? I do agree though, that their relationship may have just run its course and that they may be growing apart.
Author xdelilah Posted May 2, 2012 Author Posted May 2, 2012 well i need to mention hes gotten mad when i would go out with my friends. he got furious when i started training with a personal trainer i have a torn menicus in my knee and he helps. He asked how much longer are you going to train with him? I said he helps me. He asks if the trainer touches my body??? Isnt that pretty controlling???? Yall made me sound out to be super controlling, i forgot to mention some of these issues too.......
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