lady venus Posted June 21, 2004 Posted June 21, 2004 hello, I am new to this, but I am willing to try anything I can for help. My boyfriend and I of one year have recently taken a break from each other. Not by my choice. We were going to get married in Sept. but he postponed it. We are living together with my son and his two children. Everything was great until the last 2 months we have been arguing quite heavily and often. Mostly about outside influences like his ex, which she has been a problem from the beginning. She was very jealous of me. They have been divorced for two years, but from time to time got back together, until he met me. We both knew we found our soul mate,like everything in our pasts led us together. He was always loving,warm and affectionate. But he recently started his own business, which takes up all of his time. He is highly stressed about it and I totally understand where he is coming from. Since we have been arguing we started counseling. Which that seemed to help a little, but he now is cold, uncaring and so emotionally distant. He is like a totally different person. He moved out yesterday, supposedly for a few weeks, so he could figure out what he wants. But he told me he loves me and he still is in love with me but he doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore. He also said he doesn't want to deal with a relationship anymore. I don't know what to do. I know I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I am hurting so bad. He treats me as if I cheated on him or something horrible like that. He doesn't even want to talk to me, although he is going to continue our counseling. I know I haven't been the greatest person at all times, but I admit to my shortcomings and try to change them, so I can be a better person. It's just that I don't think I did anything that bad to deserve this. I am at home all the time, but yet I have my own life too. I don't cheat or nag. I have a good job. I take care of the house and pay bills. I am loving and affectionate, also highly sexual in a healthy way. I am definitely a giver in most aspects of my life. He also told me his first marriage was horrible, all they did was fight. And he doesn't want this to be a repeat. He always compares me to her. Something in him has changed, and I am loosing him. I don't know what to do. I love this man with all of my soul and my heart hurts so bad, I almost can't function. Please someone try to help me through this.
ntovrhm Posted June 21, 2004 Posted June 21, 2004 You are going to hurt, and that's okay, but you stay to stay strong and function, especially for your child. There are no magic words to make him come back if he doesn't want to. If he is pulling away, it hurts, but unless he comes clean about it in therapy, he's going to do what he wants. Maybe you should also get some individual therapy to help with your grief in going through this very difficult time . . .
miz_barby Posted June 21, 2004 Posted June 21, 2004 Is it possible that he has met someone else? Maybe through starting up his own business or something?
Author lady venus Posted June 21, 2004 Author Posted June 21, 2004 Thank you, I am trying so hard to stay strong and I am going to continue with therapy. It's just I have never wanted to be married before, he is the one I have given my heart to. I have been hurt in the past before and have gotton through it. I have even gone through worse situations with abuse involved. But I can't stop crying and feeling sick and so lost. I have a bad feeling that he isn't coming back. I love his kids like they were my own. My son loved him as a dad, and he has never had a father. I just so lost right now.
Author lady venus Posted June 21, 2004 Author Posted June 21, 2004 Originally posted by miz_barby Is it possible that he has met someone else? Maybe through starting up his own business or something? He tells me that is not the reason. He swears up and down that isn't a factor in all of this. Plus he was always home or at work, he never had time to see anyone else. But I have wondered could it be possible. I don't know if I should believe him or not.
ntovrhm Posted June 21, 2004 Posted June 21, 2004 . . but it won't be permanent. Looking into yourself through the therapy should eventually help with that . . .or with friends . . .or anyone who will listen. You are not alone, although loneliness is probably all you are feeling right now . . .
Author lady venus Posted June 22, 2004 Author Posted June 22, 2004 Well today is a new day, and I feel worse. All he is talking about me with, well fighting about, is he wants the house.Yes he was the one that talked to our landlord and payed the rent, so our landlord doesn't really know me. But on the same token, I am not the one that wants to end things. I think why should I have to move everything, and uproot me and my son when we finally have a home. I did pay my share maybe a little less because my boyfriend makes alot more than me and he was ok with that. I came up with the suggestion of both staying here until our lease is up in Oct. That way we can figure out who is going where and save the needed money. But if I do stay in the end, I will definately need a roomate, we pay way to much in rent. Also with this suggestion we will sleep in different places and respect each other when we see other people, like not bring them to the house or flaunt it. Another thing came up also. This man does not care about my kid. He is totally uncaring and cold to him, and thinks his kids do no wrong. He even said they are totally fine with our splitting up. They are good kids and I love them. It just hurts to know that this whole family I once had is no longer going to exist. How does someone move on from that? How could I ever trust someone again? I gave him everything I had
miz_barby Posted June 22, 2004 Posted June 22, 2004 Ouch sounds like this is way complicated!! I can't see how a relationship could suddenly end without any warning signs! Did you two fight a lot before he told you it was over? I would think some type of sign would have to have been there but then again who knows...... Okay will you be able to find a room mate assuming he allows you to stay there? Do you have one lined up or at least someone who'd be interested? Are you just being stubborn about the house even though you can't afford it hoping he'll come around and decide he wants to be with you? Also how can you be so sure he doesn't care about your son? Just because he is willing to end a relationship where there is a child involved *step son or biological* that doesn't mean he doesn't love and care about the child.
Author lady venus Posted June 22, 2004 Author Posted June 22, 2004 Yes we have been fighting lately, but about things we need to and can work on. He just continued to get colder. He also said he doesn't want to deal with a relationship now because of his builders business he started, which I helped him take off the ground. I don't think he owes me for it, it's just total loss of gratitude and respect for me putting him first and helping him 100%. We both are on the lease until Oct. so he can't kick me out, yet. And I do have possible roomates. I am not trying to be stubborn about the house, but me and my son lived in a junky apt for 9 yrs. This is our first home. My son has been so upset about it, he was crying to me he doesn't want to move, asking me why is he being so mean. Which I don't have the answers for. About him not caring for my son, he has gone for days without saying a word to him. He ignores him when my son talks to him, or if he does he is rude. My son is 13 and can be disrespectful, so we have to get on him alot. But there is no positive reinforcement, no signs of caring or affection. Which is the same way he has been treating me. That is not my nature, I feel if you love someone, even though your mad or hurt it should still be known love is still there. My boyfriend also told me that his son is glad we are gone because my son picked on him. His son is 6. But, they always slept in each others rooms, played together, and missed each other when one was gone. Sure, they had spats, but nothing serious and it never lasted long. My son felt like they were his brother and sister.(he has a girl too-8) I just think he fell out of love with me,or worse in love with someone else. My whole world is destructed right now. It is so hard to cope.
beautiful Posted June 23, 2004 Posted June 23, 2004 I am sorry for your pain. You seem very desperate and I definitely see codependent behavior here. Find a CODA group! The best thing you can do is stay in counseling and get professional help until you are healed from the inside. No one on this earth should "NEED" anyone this "Desperately". Let him go with love and take care of you and your child. It is not about him but all about you .
Author lady venus Posted June 23, 2004 Author Posted June 23, 2004 I do know that I will have to let him go with love, and I do. It's just that you put evreything you got into something and believed in it so much then all of a sudden it's gone. It's hard, but I know I don't need him. I am a very independant person. I think I just want our life back, because it was so good. I have been getting alot of support from my girlfriends, which helps tremendously. Last night he came home. He told me he got into a fight with his mom and she kicked him out. Now I don't know what to think, because we talked all night about our relationship. That was good, but now I think the trust is mostly gone. Maybe he is just saying things so he can stay here and have things peaceful? He did mention the offer of us both living here until our lease is up. Then who knows. But yet he slept with me last night, and yes we had sex. I don't know if I should have did that. I was also on Xannax which my Dr. gave me for my anxiety to get through this. So I don't think I was totally with it. Is that wrong? I know I do love him, and he is not a bad person, but he blames alot on other people, not seeing his part in the problems. Also I have noticed his kids act real different towards me now. He told them he doesn't think we are going to stay together. How do I deal with this? Should I detach myself from them, and not remain close to them anymore? This is going to hurt like hell, but I think it might be better for all of us. Especially, since he has already done this with my chid.
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