jackjoynr Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 (edited) I posted my break-up story with my ex a while back (Broke up in August). I'll spare all the details but he broke up with me. A month later wanted to get back together & take things "slow." I wasn't having it & was extremely hurt that he broke my heart. Here and there we remained in contact. I tried continuously to get over him and have done a pretty good job, but I do still love him. Every day I think about him. About us. This will be the second time we've broken up & I told myself after this, NO MORE going back! First time was mutual.. second time he stepped on my heart & broke it into a million pieces. The messed up part of it all is I KNOW he didn't truly want to break-up with me but he did it any way as a way to teach me a "lesson." He wanted me to move in with him.. I wasn't ready. He wanted to have a good last year of school and felt that if he couldn't see me everyday it wouldn't work out. We talked about getting married, kids, the whole 9... Anyways, since August we've seen each other a few times & he's tried to win me back up until 3 months ago when I told him i didn't want to see him anymore. He's literally begged for me to come back to him. He constantly invites me out on dates which I decline, tells me how much he still misses me & loves me and thinks about me every day. And he has told me on numerous times that he would not stop fighting for me & still wants to marry me. He'll text me but I'll only respond with something short or just quit responding all together. I'm constantly pushing him away & it hurts because I STILL LOVE HIM but I know it's what I need to do to guard my heart but as much I push him away he STILL comes back. I laughed hysterically at him when he asked me to fall back in love with him again which I think really hurt his feelings. Truth is I never truly fell out of love with him - He's a good guy, better than most but he hurt me soooo sooo bad by leaving me that I don't think I could ever let him back in. Should I take this risk for "love" a 3rd time? Is it just my head driving me crazy & should I just move on for good? More fish in the sea right? But I have yet to find better fish than him Edited May 1, 2012 by jackjoynr
darkmoon Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 give one last chance if you love him, it might work out but you two need to to talk
xenomorph Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 If you know what you want out of a relationship and what you will not tolerate, and you can articulate these things to him, then you are ready to prepare to start this relationship over. DO NOT pick up from where you left off. Start. Over. Square One. This is the only way you (and he) will be able to set clear boundaries. DO NOT engage in sex with him until YOU feel like he is fully committed and completely comfortable doing so. If you have to convince yourself that it's a good idea, then it's probably not. If it takes weeks, months or even years, then so be it. If he wants you back so badly, he'll be a-ok with this approach. Keep calling the shots. Best of luck to you 1
Gulf-Delta Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 Take him back, and make an effort (both of you) to make it really work.
Eddie Edirol Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 Cant tell until there are some details about why you two broke it off the first two times. Why did he feel he had to teach you a lesson, just because you wouldnt move in with him?
Author jackjoynr Posted May 1, 2012 Author Posted May 1, 2012 This is sooo hard! Why must it be so hard? I never text him.. he always the one to initiate the contact (which he should!). But I feel like I've pushed him so far away that I'm pretty sure he's gone on other dates and is shopping around for other girls by now which KILLS me sometimes. In fact I know he has (I don't really blame him though) but he always comes back & when he does, I continue to push him away. I want to learn to not be so stubborn but I guess I don't necessarily trust that he won't leave me again. Maybe we can work. I don't know. I hate feeling like this. I haven't seen him in over 3 months and he's finishing up school this weekend and invited me to his graduation. I'm nervous to go because I'm sure it'll be awkward. I most likely won't go which I'm sure he'll be really disappointed but at this point I think he's expecting me not to show up. Should I show up as a way to show him that I still care? I guess the next time he decides to text me I won't shut him down & will just see where things go. I'm just so scared of being hurt again but don't want to regret never knowing if we could have made things work. Thanks for the advice guys! Despite what happens I'm strong believer in whats meant to be will be. The not knowing part is what sucks the most!
Author jackjoynr Posted May 1, 2012 Author Posted May 1, 2012 Eddie Edirol.. the first time we broke up I think was a case of GIGS on his end & me being fed up with him talking to girls that I didn't feel were strictly just his "friends." I don't believe he cheated on me or was doing anything with these girls (though I did catch him flirting a few times) but he would tend to have a lot of female friends which REALLY bothered me. And it was never a jealously issue, I just found it to be very disrespectful! I've always had major trust issues with girls so I never trusted him talking to his so-called "friends." He on the other hand had an issue with me going out with my friends. He felt like I spent more time with them than with him which in hine site maybe I did. These were issues we would argue about a lot until we mutually decided to go our separate ways. After we broke it off I think we both knew we'd get right back together and we spent about a year on & off working on our issues getting back together and things looked promising. We finally reconciled and then about a month after we got back together he broke up with me due to me not wanting to move in with him & him feeling like he would never be able to see me due to our schedules & him starting his last year in college (I'm 2 years older than him btw & graduated 2 years before him). I'm not one to rush into anything and we talked about moving in together plenty of times but I wanted to take my time & be certain that this was the best choice for US. He would pressure me all the time & make me feel uneasy like if I didn't move in with him he'd break up with me and/or cheat on me. Eventually my fears came true and he broke it off. The "lesson" didn't go too well on his side because although it hurt BAD that he made the conscious decision to walk away.. I didn't go running back to him a 2nd time like I think he thought I would (as much as I wanted to). I cried, my heart ached for weeks but I accepted it was over (although deep down inside I knew he'd realize he was making a BIG mistake). So here we are! He wants me back. Guess the Grass wasn't greener.. but what bothers me is, he's said all these sweet things about how he still loves me, misses me and wants me back yet I never once heard him tell me that he's sorry. Sorry for breaking my heart or sorry for ever leaving. In fact I feel like in his head he feels justified in what he did. THIS is what is preventing me from trusting that he won't do it again if I did decide to give it ago a 3rd time. It's a sucky feeling to have & I vowed I never wanted to have to feel that way ever again!
immitable Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 how long has it been since the breakup? You should really have time apart (months, year) with no contact in order to be able to start fresh. He won't know what he did wrong if he knows he can have you back easily. It is a risk but if you want to have a healthy relationship where both sides invest the breaking of pattern has to happen.
Author jackjoynr Posted May 1, 2012 Author Posted May 1, 2012 It has been about 9 months. And you're right. But is NC always the right way to start fresh? If i haven't seen him in 3 months and continue to keep my distant & not see him face to face but we talk over the phone here and there, is that acceptable?
immitable Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 (edited) It has been about 9 months. And you're right. But is NC always the right way to start fresh? If i haven't seen him in 3 months and continue to keep my distant & not see him face to face but we talk over the phone here and there, is that acceptable? it is not acceptable unfortunately. People need to self-reflect, to look inside their soul and realise thier mistakes if you want them to change (change behavioural patterns). One (he in your case) can only self-reflect if there is no contact in the given time and a situation of basically no hope for reconciliation at the given moment. By having a contact with you over the phone he knows when and how he can have you and you make yourself an easy target which gives him the opportunity to chase other women and to maintain you as emotional support. He is in that case riding on a high horse while you are some sort of a doormat which you don't like, in this case you need to step up for yourself and draw some boundaries. Edited May 1, 2012 by immitable
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