poetic Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 (edited) Would like to see if some more out there can relate to this and find out some possible solutions. I have a great relationship with the female sex. It's very easy for women to befriend me. I can flirt with them, make sexual jokes, they grind up on me playfully etc. Problem is, it never goes beyond this, and if I do attempt to take it to the next level, I get some variation of the "let's just be friends line" I recently found out that it's possible that women just see me as a safe guy, so while it's easy for them to befriend me or even make quite provocative sexual jokes with me, I might as well just be a gay best friend. this situation is worse than being ugly, or having a debilitating physical or mental handicap. At least then I would have a tangible, concrete reason for my failure in the dating world. Edited May 1, 2012 by poetic
Author poetic Posted May 23, 2012 Author Posted May 23, 2012 This is still a recurring theme . Just found out that this girl who was always very playful and sexually flirty with me, who even asked me to write/perform a love song for her, is now engaged. Maybe (some? most? all?) women feel that it's ok to be flirty, touchy, playful, make sexual jokes with someone and have it not be a sign that they're interested in the person? One more entry from the diary of the "safe guy."
ascendotum Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 Maybe (some? most? all?) women feel that it's ok to be flirty, touchy, playful, make sexual jokes with someone and have it not be a sign that they're interested in the person? One more entry from the diary of the "safe guy." I know it really sucks when this happens and you get your hopes up, and the times I was more desperate it was the case, but the reality is you still get a boost to your self esteem with it, even if it does not lead to sex/relationship. Better than being ignored. I would rather live in a city where the women are known to be outgoing & flirtatious than in a strict muslim country or back in time even say 60 yrs ago.
udolipixie Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 Likely the gals you attract or are attracted to are flirters and jokers. Perhaps it's more of a you're reading more than gals intended of her actions than gals seeing you as a safe guy.
6ft180natl Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 Sounds like you need to be more clear about your intentions. Do you not ask them on dates immediately or something? Are you just hanging out socially in groups and non date situations?
ascendotum Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 this situation is worse than being ugly, or having a debilitating physical or mental handicap. At least then I would have a tangible, concrete reason for my failure in the dating world. I agree with your reasoning, but the bolded part...no way..bite your tongue.
wordrock Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 Sounds like you need to be more clear about your intentions. Do you not ask them on dates immediately or something? Are you just hanging out socially in groups and non date situations? Seconding this. You need to be up front right away. I mean as soon as you meet and exchange more than a couple words. I'm speaking from my own experience and also from what I hear a lot of female friends say. Also, if you like her enough to be friends with her even after she turns you down romantically (or if things didn't go perfect on the first date or two), the chance she'll change her mind later is increased dramatically. Trying to go from just friends to romance is not only very unlikely, it will also tend to end up causing a lot of frustration for one party (as you well know) and often ends up wrecking the friendship. Again, I'm speaking from experience. I'd give examples, but they're embarrassing. If you establish that you are into them physically/romantically immediately, this won't be forgotten. If you don't and one day just drop a "how about you and me?" on her, it's akin to having a male cousin suddenly start flirting with her. "Flirty" jokes are not the same as "I'd like to take you out" or "Are you seeing anyone? No? Can I have your number so we can talk sometime?" etc... Don't drop hints. Be direct.
Author poetic Posted May 23, 2012 Author Posted May 23, 2012 Seconding this. You need to be up front right away. I mean as soon as you meet and exchange more than a couple words. I'm speaking from my own experience and also from what I hear a lot of female friends say. Also, if you like her enough to be friends with her even after she turns you down romantically (or if things didn't go perfect on the first date or two), the chance she'll change her mind later is increased dramatically. Trying to go from just friends to romance is not only very unlikely, it will also tend to end up causing a lot of frustration for one party (as you well know) and often ends up wrecking the friendship. Again, I'm speaking from experience. I'd give examples, but they're embarrassing. If you establish that you are into them physically/romantically immediately, this won't be forgotten. If you don't and one day just drop a "how about you and me?" on her, it's akin to having a male cousin suddenly start flirting with her. Wow. This is some excellent insight here. I never considered this. So you're saying that simply putting the idea into her head early on is a good thing to do even if she rejects my advances. I actually think you hit the nail on the head here because with all my cases so far, I wait until we've established a foundation of mutually enjoyable interaction with each other. The problem is, I'm the kind of guy who looks to personality first, and am attracted to a womans personality traits and how much we get along, how well we can interact with each other etc. these things take time to establish together, but now I see that by the time I try to make a move, it never even entered her mind to see me in a romantic way.
SJC2008 Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 My guess is that girls like to flirt so their gonna flirt with someone who initiates it, even if they have no sexual interst in him, just so they can flirt. I'm not good at flirting anyway. What do you say?? lol
sid3 Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 My guess is that girls like to flirt so their gonna flirt with someone who initiates it, even if they have no sexual interst in him, just so they can flirt. Really? That sucks! Now I'm going to have re evaluate everything.
SJC2008 Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 Really? That sucks! Now I'm going to have re evaluate everything. Lol hell if I know! The best pickup line I've yet to come up with in my 30 years is "Hi I'm x, I like dirt bikes" haha.
sid3 Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 Lol hell if I know! The best pickup line I've yet to come up with in my 30 years is "Hi I'm x, I like dirt bikes" haha. So in order to restore balance I should flirt with the average and unattractive girls. Wait, I already do, Hahaha!
wordrock Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 Wow. This is some excellent insight here. I never considered this. So you're saying that simply putting the idea into her head early on is a good thing to do even if she rejects my advances. I actually think you hit the nail on the head here because with all my cases so far, I wait until we've established a foundation of mutually enjoyable interaction with each other. Yes, the reason for this is that for many men and women, a person is immediately categorized as being a potential mate or just a friend/whatever upon meeting them. Equally bad is showing someone flirtatious attention and then having them see you do the same to another girl etc... No one wants to feel like second choice. If you don't show that you interested right away, it's usually very difficult to turn things around. However, I'm not saying that every moment should be seized upon during first meetings. Some situations are not right... in those cases you are better off keeping things cordial and waiting for a better moment. The problem is, I'm the kind of guy who looks to personality first, and am attracted to a womans personality traits and how much we get along, how well we can interact with each other etc. these things take time to establish together, but now I see that by the time I try to make a move, it never even entered her mind to see me in a romantic way. This is exactly what you do during the initial dates. Let her know you are interested right away so she can do the same. In her mind, you were basically sizing her up the whole time in secret and it's like you're going "Well guess what, this whole time I was trying to decide if I liked you, and I've decided I do! Now let's date!" That's not gonna impress anybody!
wordrock Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 My guess is that girls like to flirt so their gonna flirt with someone who initiates it, even if they have no sexual interst in him, just so they can flirt. I'm not good at flirting anyway. What do you say?? lol You don't have to look at it as flirting. Just talking. The difference is that you let them know with words and/or body language that you are attracted to them (whether physicially/emotionally/mentally etc...). The extent you do that to is part of the courting process. Some women like a forward guy, some do not. There are lots of guys out there who claim to be experts or whatever... sure you can learn to manipulate and use people, but if you want something real, just be yourself and try to find someone compatible with you. I used to think it was all about trying to convince women to like me... I ended up dating a lot of women I was not compatible with and wasted a lot of time. Honestly, that's a good way to get involved with someone who can cause a lot of problems for the both of you. Now I just present who I think I am and I don't stress about things as nearly as much as I once did. They're either going to like who I am or they are not. I'm not going to be pretend to be somebody else just for validation. You can't keep up a ruse like that forever and eventually the real you will come out. Sometimes you hear stories about people breaking up and saying things like "they changed" or "they weren't the person I met"... maybe that's one of the causes.
Necris Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 You don't have to look at it as flirting. Just talking. The difference is that you let them know with words and/or body language that you are attracted to them (whether physicially/emotionally/mentally etc...). The extent you do that to is part of the courting process. Some women like a forward guy, some do not. There are lots of guys out there who claim to be experts or whatever... sure you can learn to manipulate and use people, but if you want something real, just be yourself and try to find someone compatible with you. I used to think it was all about trying to convince women to like me... I ended up dating a lot of women I was not compatible with and wasted a lot of time. Honestly, that's a good way to get involved with someone who can cause a lot of problems for the both of you. Now I just present who I think I am and I don't stress about things as nearly as much as I once did. They're either going to like who I am or they are not. I'm not going to be pretend to be somebody else just for validation. You can't keep up a ruse like that forever and eventually the real you will come out. Sometimes you hear stories about people breaking up and saying things like "they changed" or "they weren't the person I met"... maybe that's one of the causes. What I don't get is how is being yourself going to help guys who can't get a relationship with a woman if they stick to being themselves like myself I've been myself for quite some time and women simply aren't attracted to me in the slightest they don't even bother to play flirt with me.
wordrock Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 What I don't get is how is being yourself going to help guys who can't get a relationship with a woman if they stick to being themselves like myself I've been myself for quite some time and women simply aren't attracted to me in the slightest they don't even bother to play flirt with me. Without knowing your exact situation, I can't really make a suggestion. One thing I can tell though, is that you lack confidence. I think that's something you should work on before worrying about a relationship. If you're not comfortable with yourself, it will come out in your body language and how you talk. This is a signal to women that you are either not mature enough to be involved with or that getting involved with you will require them to take the lead at all times. While there are some women that enjoy doing that, I think most do not. One of the best ways to boost your confidence is to get physically fit. However, I think it's important to exercise for yourself, not to attract women. Also, it is a means to an end, but not the end itself. I've been in shape, but had other things I was not happy about. Women could detect that and avoided me like the plague. Another way to boost your confidence is to put focus on some kind of talent. It doesn't even have to be something you're already good at. Start and build up. When you chip away at something and enjoy it, it will come out naturally in your personality regardless of whether you're that great at it. Trying to meet someone when you feel defeated or isolated tends to only make things worse for the aforementioned reasons. Often when you're lonely it's easy to think "if only I had someone special to keep me company". The reality is that when you're in that state it's easy to make the assumption that romance can fill that void, while what you really need are good friends and a change of pace in your life. I'm not saying your life has to be perfect and you have to feel great about yourself 24/7, but getting your self esteem in a place to where you feel and recognize your own worth is essential to finding someone you are compatible with.
irc333 Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 Actually, I think I fall in the "safe guy" category and it might be an actual step up from the "Nice guY" because you're actually getting along with women....but you haven't made it to the romantic part yet. I have a friend in his mid-40's that's like this, he's known as the "fun guy" as well, he's into swing dancing, and pretty good at dancing with the ladies, but never hasn't scored dates with them. Thing is though, I don't think he cares. lol He's gotten to that point where he's tired of being frustrated about it I suppose , and just going with the flow. He'll ask women out though, to get together for an event, but never really phrase it in a manner as if it were a date. He doesn't say, "Let's go out on a date sat night" or "Would you care for an evening of dinner and dancing, followed by a stroll in the park?" No, he doesn't he just mentions some probably nuetral event, like a concert and says, "Hey, there's a concert in the park, and would you care to get together for that event that night?" He says it in a more light hearted way where women aren't put on the defensive, and if something becomes of it, fine, if not...at least they'er having fun together. He is always saying how you just like to go out and have "fun" with the ladies you're with, not turn it into anything really romantic. Just go with the flow, and see what happens. I sometimes don't really "get" what he means, but I kind of do. Would like to see if some more out there can relate to this and find out some possible solutions. I have a great relationship with the female sex. It's very easy for women to befriend me. I can flirt with them, make sexual jokes, they grind up on me playfully etc. Problem is, it never goes beyond this, and if I do attempt to take it to the next level, I get some variation of the "let's just be friends line" I recently found out that it's possible that women just see me as a safe guy, so while it's easy for them to befriend me or even make quite provocative sexual jokes with me, I might as well just be a gay best friend. this situation is worse than being ugly, or having a debilitating physical or mental handicap. At least then I would have a tangible, concrete reason for my failure in the dating world.
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