Is my situation hopeless?

[thakfu]

I really need to get this out because it's eating me alive inside.

 

Almost 6 years ago I met the woman of my dreams, she was alot younger than me but she was also alot more mature. I grew up in a sheltered environment living with my grandparents, pretty much never had a serious relationship til my mid 20s. I also lost alot of years in my younger days taking care of my grandparents when the time came. I basically didnt get to experience much of younger life.

 

Anyways... we met and I immediately felt an incredible connection to her. With her help and guidance I made up for alot of things I'd missed out on. She inspired me to be confident and create a life for myself. Unfortunately, in finding myself and becoming independent... I also began to take her for granted... I spent weekends away from her, took trips without her, and let our differences be much bigger than they should have been. I could go on in legnth how my insecurities and immaturity hurt her over and over.. and I've accepted everything Ive done and learned from it.

 

I was madly, madly in love, but I was unsure what I wanted out of life. I began choosing a single life over her, while we were still living together. She somehow hung on for about 3 years of this. I never saw her love waiver, and our good moments were magical.

 

Last year she proposed to me and I panicked... I absolutely panicked. I didnt give her a straight answer, tho eventually I said yes. I was terrified of the commitment, despite what she meant to me. Over the course of the last year tho I continued living mostly separate of her, and her doubt began to grow... over this time she met someone else and developed feelings for him. By january of this year we had come to basically what would be the last of a long series of ultimatums, one I basically saw as a bluff and let slip by.

 

Understandably she had finally had enough, and by that point I kinda felt maybe it wasnt meant to be, and I just wouldnt find the answer in my heart whether I would rather have her or a carefree life.

 

Well, in the process of us splitting up, my eyes have been opened to what exactly she means to me, and what I really want out of life. I was beginning to realize how foolish I was acting, and the friends I thought I was making just saw me as the goof at all the parties. Ive come to find God again, and his guidance Im back on track of getting my life in order. Ive always been successful in my job, but I wanna move even more forward.. Im ready for a family, Im ready for a life with her.

 

I began telling her everything, vowed to change and vowed to stay committed to her.... for a while it seemed we'd weathered the storm.. but then she changed her mind. Since then she's confessed she just doesnt trust I wont go back to my old ways. She also feels strongly for this other man, and she was never sure I was ever "the one". She also told me the other day that she never really felt a great spark between us or was head over heels for me. She says things like she is unsure she even believes in love or monogamy anymore... but the other day she was speaking fondly of having a wedding some day. I feel I did all I could to ease her doubts... I even bought her her dream engagement ring, though I ended up giving it to her under not the greatest of situations (kind of a now or never moment), which she's since convinced me to take back, saying the ring has no meaning anymore and if we got back together she'd want a different one.

 

Im just entirely lost right now. My mind is telling me she's moved on, and there isnt really any hope of winning her back... but my heart wont allow me to stop fighting for her. She's meant so much to me and has done so much for me that I just cant imagine her not being there as I keep moving forward in my life. She seems to be increasingly cold and distant. Yet at the same time Ive confided in a female friend about her, which has drawn some jealousy out of her. A picture of me and this friend together on facebook caused her to delete me as a friend, saying "she didnt want to see it".

 

I feel she isnt being totally honest about the other guy either. She lies to me about seeing him... She says they are still just friends... confesses she wants him to make a move, yet at the same time has alot of reasons she's cautious of him. Yet I feel there is more to their relationship and she is just trying to protect me, or herself. We are stuck living together for awhile due to some financial and health issues on her side. She says im her best friend and always will be... but part of me wonders if Im being used. I helped her out, both emotionally and financially through a health scare she had... and she seemed extremely grateful and things got good again, but not she seems more distant than ever. The way the mood seems to shift... Im just totally lost. I dont know what we are, I dont know what she feels, who she really wants or if I have any hope to ever save this. I imagine she doesnt know herself.

 

I dont know if anyone has advice or not... but I just needed to let this off my chest. For many reasons... I believe she is my one true... I miss her, I want her back, and I just cant seem to forgive myself for all the hurt I caused her. What hurts even more is I cant be mad at her because everything she's putting me through, I put her through... but for longer.

 

I just dont know what to do anymore. Thanks for listening.

[Alexandria23]

Well I don't want to be mean or anything, but you did push her away and really what do you expect? You were on the other side of the fence at one point and I realize that you understand your actions which is great because you have obviously thought about everything and are learning from this experience which I think some people really never do. I mean really does she really owe you honesty at this point since when she proposed to you you kind of shirked her off so in my opinion she really doesn't owe you anything. I think you should probably leave her be and go on with your life. There is probably too much water under the bridge with you two now anyway to make it work. I understand that you have realized now, but she gave you so many chances and you pushed them off. I think that basically this is a live and learn situation and you know what there are plenty of nice women in the world that you can create something great with. Your ex is probably thinking she can't go back to that place that you both were in and frankly probably doesn't want to pass up the opportunity with this person who hasn't done anything to hurt her this far. Sorry if I seem harsh but I guess you had your chance in a sense and it probably just isn't meant to be

[gibson]

I grew up in a sheltered environment living with my grandparents, pretty much never had a serious relationship til my mid 20s. I also lost alot of years in my younger days taking care of my grandparents when the time came. I basically didnt get to experience much of younger life.

 

Anyways... we met and I immediately felt an incredible connection to her. With her help and guidance I made up for alot of things I'd missed out on.

 

I was madly, madly in love, but I was unsure what I wanted out of life. I began choosing a single life over her, while we were still living together. She somehow hung on for about 3 years of this. I never saw her love waiver, and our good moments were magical.

 

Last year she proposed to me and I panicked... I absolutely panicked. I didnt give her a straight answer, tho eventually I said yes. I was terrified of the commitment, despite what she meant to me. Over the course of the last year tho I continued living mostly separate of her, and her doubt began to grow... over this time she met someone else and developed feelings for him. By january of this year we had come to basically what would be the last of a long series of ultimatums, one I basically saw as a bluff and let slip by.

 

What you are describing above in detail is what I call G.I.G.S.

 

Read the following thread and tell me if this describes what you were thinking, feeling, etc.

 

"The Grass Is Greener" Syndrome

 

Now there are going to be several posters on here that will say that you indeed did not have what I call G.I.G.S. and say that it was all your Exes fault or something was missing / lacking in her as to why you felt / let her slip away.

 

I for one do not agree, I too once had G.I.G.S. (although a long time ago) and like you, I lost someone very special.

 

Understandably she had finally had enough, and by that point I kinda felt maybe it wasnt meant to be, and I just wouldnt find the answer in my heart whether I would rather have her or a carefree life.

 

Well, in the process of us splitting up, my eyes have been opened to what exactly she means to me, and what I really want out of life. I was beginning to realize how foolish I was acting, and the friends I thought I was making just saw me as the goof at all the parties. Ive come to find God again, and his guidance Im back on track of getting my life in order. Ive always been successful in my job, but I wanna move even more forward.. Im ready for a family, Im ready for a life with her.

 

I began telling her everything, vowed to change and vowed to stay committed to her.... for a while it seemed we'd weathered the storm.. but then she changed her mind. Since then she's confessed she just doesnt trust I wont go back to my old ways. She also feels strongly for this other man, and she was never sure I was ever "the one". She also told me the other day that she never really felt a great spark between us or was head over heels for me. She says things like she is unsure she even believes in love or monogamy anymore... but the other day she was speaking fondly of having a wedding some day. I feel I did all I could to ease her doubts... I even bought her her dream engagement ring, though I ended up giving it to her under not the greatest of situations (kind of a now or never moment), which she's since convinced me to take back, saying the ring has no meaning anymore and if we got back together she'd want a different one.

 

Although I am not surprised by this... You will find many posters on here that will not comprehend what you did, what you feel now and how you came to this conclusion.

 

I dont know if anyone has advice or not... but I just needed to let this off my chest. For many reasons... I believe she is my one true... I miss her, I want her back, and I just cant seem to forgive myself for all the hurt I caused her. What hurts even more is I cant be mad at her because everything she's putting me through, I put her through... but for longer.

 

I just dont know what to do anymore. Thanks for listening.

 

Start off by reading about G.I.G.S. and once you get through that, I am sure many of us can help you work through your feelings and emotions regarding your Ex and offer advice, support and encouragement.

[Alexandria23]

You will get over it though and just take this as a learning experience. She probably still feels jaded by the whole thing. If its meant to be it will be but maybe she's the one that needs time now

[thakfu]

wow gibson... thank you so much for that link... it put alot into perspective for me. =] Some hard truths in there, but Im glad to have read them. Ive taken alot of comfort in hearing my faults and understanding them in theis whole process. Ultimately, I want to be a better person out of this... I want to be the person Im capable of being, and not the mess of a life Im leaving behind.

 

Their is definately no problem with the harshness... believe me, Ive been pretty harsh on myself. "I dont deserve her" has been echoing in my head alot... but it's hard to block out, obviously. Ive told everyone who's come to my aid and said they were on "my side" that I'm not even on my side. Realizing your failures doesnt neccisarily absolve them.

 

Ultimately... I love this woman with all my heart and soul and want her to be happy. If time heals our wounds ill be glad, if not... it's a great (but costly) lesson to carry with me.

 

Thanks alot!