[Real Success Story] How Dana and I became girlfriend-boyfriend

[Teknoe]

No offense, but to me it sounds like you dodged a bullet.

 

None taken. Here's how I look at it:

 

She was flawed. So was I. Everyone has their own flaws. Nobody's perfect. But certain people are "more perfect" for each other. It was clear after 7 months we were not "perfect" for each other. I hope she's happy in her marriage. I'm happy having HOPE that my "perfect for me and vice versa" lady is out there somewhere. And when I say "perfect" I don't mean flawless lol. I mean, they're a match for you and you for them.

 

I will conclude for tonight by saying Dana also made me happy on the job. Yes. At the mall. Our store was a mom and pop type store (back in 2004 there were a lot more mom and pop type stores in malls) and there was no security camera. Also, traffic wasn't heavy.

 

She made me happy at least 5 times on the job. It was a high risk, and that's what made it so much fun. For the record, it was her idea each time, and I never forced her. She was adamant on making me happy at work, lol.

 

I remember one time a couple guys walked by, peered in and I must have had this STUPID WIDE grin on my kisser because they were like O_o at me, lol.

 

Several times a customer would walk in and we had to quickly break it up. As soon as they left she went back to "finish" the job.

 

Hmmm, perhaps that's why I stayed with her during her shifts so much... LOL. I was unpaid, but paid in other ways...

 

 

Still, very nice memory.

 

Oh indeed. Oh INDEED

[Els]

It is nice to relive young love stories indeed.

 

But I'm about to bust the "innocence" on this thread, lol. The first time she made me "happy" ahem... I became happy in a record time, lol. She said "I guess we'll have to keep practicing" with this sly little grin. I was just like :D lol I hit the jackpot. She was cute, great personality, quirky, loved video games (she was a huge DDR and Time Crisis fan) and loved making me "happy." Indeed, she made me happy everyday! Believe me, I was very happy. lol

 

ROFL.

 

FTR, when I say 'innocent', I rarely mean 'lack of woohoo'.

[Stupid Girl]

I'm really failing to see how a short-lived relationship many years ago where she left you for her ex is in any way a "succes story"

[ascendotum]

I'm really failing to see how a short-lived relationship many years ago where she left you for her ex is in any way a "succes story"

 

Success means different things to different people, I guess it depends what they benchmark it against. I suspect for a few guys here, a relationship (with a girl they consider cute) that lastest a mere 2 mths before she decided to go back to her ex would be considered a successful event, and would boost their self esteem and give them hope that it can happen again but for longer. Sometimes a STR can be considered a success if the guy/girl considers the other partner above their league (i have).

 

Its a nice little success story. she over achieved his expectations for a gf. While he did get himself noticed to her, there was also an element of luck involved here imo. He didnt ask her out initally when she was single (you cant muck around with cute girls especially with the attention they get at college/uni/nites out) and their relationship simmered for 6 mths before he upped the ante (many girls would have permanently frendzoned the guy and gone on to hook up with other guys...idk I suspect maybe asian girls cut more slack to guys they like in this regard).

Being a guy that's thoughtful + and sensitive to their needs, often doesn't match up to 'looks, confidence & chemistry', so I guess thats part the charm of this post. Ideally you'd hope awesome partners come along more then once a decade tho, unless you end up marrying them.

[Radu]

I'm really failing to see how a short-lived relationship many years ago where she left you for her ex is in any way a "succes story"

 

For the really bitter men and women of LS, this is a huge succes.

[Teknoe]

I'm really failing to see how a short-lived relationship many years ago where she left you for her ex is in any way a "succes story"

 

I beat the odds. I had to do my part too but yes there was a huge element of luck involved.

 

Also, without her I never would have had my first GF experience. At least I have peace now knowing I have been in a relationship. It helps me to be patient for the next one, even if it comes 10 years later (which would be 2014 which isn't far away).

 

Plus it was just a great time of my life. I'm grateful for having it as opposed to not having it.

[Els]

I'm really failing to see how a short-lived relationship many years ago where she left you for her ex is in any way a "succes story"

 

Cripes, they were both 20! He put himself out there, got a nice girl whom he enjoyed himself immensely with, things weren't right between them so they broke up several months after, and he got something out of the experience. Sounds about right for what one should be doing at 20. Life isn't all about blazing full-speed towards your goal of Marriage and Kids Now. It's about the journey. And I fully commend the OP for enjoying his.

[ThaWholigan]

I like this story, and it's great that you are able to look back on it fondly. Too many guys I know look back on their previous relationships with scorn and sorrow. And I also think it's important to point out that you took the chance when it presented itself, there was no dwelling, the iron was still hot, you knew she liked you regardless of what you did, and you took the risk.

 

Heart-warming

[Mme. Chaucer]

Was it something he actually did to make her fall for him?

 

Um … you really need to get rid of the mindset that a person can "DO" something that is going to "MAKE" someone else do something. It's possible - it's NO WAY to approach the desire to have a girlfriend.

 

 

Doubt it.

 

You're right!

[Teknoe]

Thanks guys! BTW Els, she was actually 18, lol. I was 20 and nearly robbing the cradle, lol.

 

Also, I didn't mention this but from December 2003-February 2004, although I had a huge crush on her, I was actually trying to get her ex back with her. Yup. Don't ask me why. My game was broke, lol. Well it wasn't the time to be pursuing her anyway, since she would have been on the rebound. In hindsight she still was in May, but I'm not going to complain as she gave me a lot of good memories for the pain that would come at the end Yes I am fully aware of the irony since he DID get back with her eventually...

 

So yeah, I was actually trying to get her ex to reconsider her. When you factor all of this in, it was miracle we ever became a 7 month couple.

 

Also, March-May 2004 she had at least two other guys trying to get with her as BF. She turned both of them down. After she turned down the 2nd guy in May, and I had my near-death experience in April, I knew I just had to put up or shut up.

 

I put up, and it gave me a nice story/experience to remember for the rest of my life. When I look back I am stunned that we became BF-GF. I think my story can only happen when two people are THAT young (18-20). Nowadays, I know I must be direct and forthright.

 

But man... what a great time those young days were. So full of hope and optimism. Innocence, as Els put it

[Els]

But man... what a great time those young days were. So full of hope and optimism. Innocence, as Els put it

 

Hehe, yeah. I was 20 not too long ago, but I can vividly recall how much more naive, inexperienced, and, well, young, I was then. It was a good time for puppy love, but boy did I have a lot more to learn about relationships and myself..

[Teknoe]

Hehe, yeah. I was 20 not too long ago, but I can vividly recall how much more naive, inexperienced, and, well, young, I was then. It was a good time for puppy love, but boy did I have a lot more to learn about relationships and myself..

 

Wow I didn't know 20 was not too long ago for you (sounds like 5 or less years?). By your posts I thought you were like 30 or something, just based on some of the pearls of wisdom I have read from you.

 

Yeah 20 is a great time. I remember feeling like the world is in the palm of your hands. So much potential... then things start getting set in place throughout your mid 20s. You take and appreciate every season of life you find yourself in though, because you're still getting up in the morning relatively in good health. You don't want to take anything for granted!

[Els]

Wow I didn't know 20 was not too long ago for you (sounds like 5 or less years?). By your posts I thought you were like 30 or something, just based on some of the pearls of wisdom I have read from you.

 

Snap. I'll take that as a compliment, I guess. Yes, I'm in my mid-20s.

 

Yeah 20 is a great time. I remember feeling like the world is in the palm of your hands. So much potential... then things start getting set in place throughout your mid 20s. You take and appreciate every season of life you find yourself in though, because you're still getting up in the morning relatively in good health. You don't want to take anything for granted!

 

Great to hear that. Though I'm certainly hoping I'll be getting up in the morning in relatively good health through my 30s, 40s, and 50s as well!

[somedude81]

Hey, I just remembered.

 

Roughly 7-8 yeas ago, I too was in a relationship.

 

Though I wasn't attracted to her, and it only lasted two weeks, that counts right?

 

I didn't have to do anything to pursue her or make any moves (though we never had sex). Guess that means I also got lucky too.

[ThaWholigan]

Wow I didn't know 20 was not too long ago for you (sounds like 5 or less years?). By your posts I thought you were like 30 or something, just based on some of the pearls of wisdom I have read from you.

 

Yeah 20 is a great time. I remember feeling like the world is in the palm of your hands. So much potential... then things start getting set in place throughout your mid 20s. You take and appreciate every season of life you find yourself in though, because you're still getting up in the morning relatively in good health. You don't want to take anything for granted!

20 wasn't long ago for me too, but 20 was a very different time in my life. I can say that at 23 I'm marginally happier than I was then.

[jobaba]

I like this story, and it's great that you are able to look back on it fondly. Too many guys I know look back on their previous relationships with scorn and sorrow. And I also think it's important to point out that you took the chance when it presented itself, there was no dwelling, the iron was still hot, you knew she liked you regardless of what you did, and you took the risk.

 

Heart-warming

 

Yea. I don't understand why people go out with a person and then the second they break up start talking about how that person is such a jerk and wishing all kinds of ill will on them. Why were you going out with that person in the 1st place?

 

One of my girlfriends could be pretty sh@tty to me some of the time, but I still hang out with her every now and then. She's smart, fun, we have a lot in common and she's more or less a pretty decent person.

 

My last GF was a great woman and I have nothing but fond memories of her. If I see her with another man, I'll probably be just happy for her.

[Els]

Hey, I just remembered.

 

Roughly 7-8 yeas ago, I too was in a relationship.

 

Though I wasn't attracted to her, and it only lasted two weeks, that counts right?

 

I didn't have to do anything to pursue her or make any moves (though we never had sex). Guess that means I also got lucky too.

 

No, that doesn't count, not because it lasted 2 weeks, and not because you didn't have sex, but because you weren't attracted to her. But really, I'm not certain whether that was due to her shortcomings or your own.

 

Yea. I don't understand why people go out with a person and then the second they break up start talking about how that person is such a jerk and wishing all kinds of ill will on them. Why were you going out with that person in the 1st place?

 

One of my girlfriends could be pretty sh@tty to me some of the time, but I still hang out with her every now and then. She's smart, fun, we have a lot in common and she's more or less a pretty decent person.

 

My last GF was a great woman and I have nothing but fond memories of her. If I see her with another man, I'll probably be just happy for her.

 

Well, I think it depends on why and how the R ended. If it ended in lots of huge fireworks and tears, I can see why they would not talk again (though I don't think that justifies excessive trash talking of the ex either). If it was amicable and mutual, though, that's a different story.

[Teknoe]

Hey, I just remembered.

 

Roughly 7-8 yeas ago, I too was in a relationship.

 

Though I wasn't attracted to her, and it only lasted two weeks, that counts right?

 

I didn't have to do anything to pursue her or make any moves (though we never had sex). Guess that means I also got lucky too.

 

I agree with Els. You were not in a relationship, mainly because you were not attracted to her (not because you didn't have sex).

 

Also, a "relationship" is not something you say "I just remembered" to! Dating, perhaps. (i.e. you can look back and say "Oh yeah, I guess we did dated, huh?") But a real relationship, no.

 

And I don't know why you say you got lucky too when you weren't attracted to her in the first place. That's not a real relationship, bro. A relationship is more about "being with someone." It's about them deeply caring for you, and you caring deeply for them. Almost to a point where you would take a bullet for her. At the very least, you would definitely think more about her needs than your own.

 

 

Yea. I don't understand why people go out with a person and then the second they break up start talking about how that person is such a jerk and wishing all kinds of ill will on them. Why were you going out with that person in the 1st place?

 

One of my girlfriends could be pretty sh@tty to me some of the time, but I still hang out with her every now and then. She's smart, fun, we have a lot in common and she's more or less a pretty decent person.

 

My last GF was a great woman and I have nothing but fond memories of her. If I see her with another man, I'll probably be just happy for her.

 

Yeah, way too much bitterness in too many people from past relationships. Unless there was mental or physical abuse of any sort, I always see the bright side in things and try to walk away with some added perspective that I didn't have or understand before. Every situation in life is a chance for us to grow as human beings, and I never believed in the value of holding a grudge. All that does (holding a grudge) is drag your own spirit through the mud. Life is too short for that bull!

 

I'll never forget this fortune cookie saying I had once. It struck me because it was unlike every other bland fortune cookie quote I've ever read. It said:

 

"While you're busy holding a grudge on someone, they're out busy dancing"

 

Basically means you're the one suffering, not them. And you're allowing them to HAVE POWER OVER YOU.

 

That's why I don't want to be vindictive. As much as Dana hurt me when she broke up with me to go back to her ex (who by the way broke up with her 2 weeks later... go figure), I don't look back with any real feelings of regret or sorrow. It is what it is. And it was a great experience and time in my young life.

[somedude81]

I agree with Els. You were not in a relationship, mainly because you were not attracted to her (not because you didn't have sex).

 

Also, a "relationship" is not something you say "I just remembered" to! Dating, perhaps. (i.e. you can look back and say "Oh yeah, I guess we did dated, huh?") But a real relationship, no.

And I don't know why you say you got lucky too when you weren't attracted to her in the first place. That's not a real relationship, bro. A relationship is more about "being with someone." It's about them deeply caring for you, and you caring deeply for them. Almost to a point where you would take a bullet for her. At the very least, you would definitely think more about her needs than your own.

Because when I get lucky, that's how it turns out for me.

 

You buy a lottery ticket and win 5 million dollars.

 

I buy a ticket and win $20.00. Technically, we both got lucky.

Edited May 2, 2012 by somedude81

[Teknoe]

Because when I get lucky, that's how it turns out for me.

 

You buy a lottery ticket and win 5 million dollars.

 

I buy a ticket and win $20.00. Technically, we both got lucky.

 

That's one way to look at it.

 

I don't particularly think it's a healthy mindset, though.

 

And rather than wish you good luck, I don't think it's so much about "blind luck" as it is "strategically and intentionally placing yourself in favorable position" with a future female interest. Luck means something you can't control, and I think you need to stop focusing so much on what you CANNOT control. You might want to consider the things YOU CAN. It really starts with your attitude and perspective.

 

When I was chasing Dana? I was on top of the world and that was BEFORE I got with her. My confidence was at an all-time high. She told me she was incredibly attracted to my confidence. I was loose, and a fun guy to be around. I wanted her to be my GF, sure, but it wasn't life or death for me.

 

No matter what culture you talk about, girls just want to have fun and feel safe around their BF.

 

I think you're way too caught up in this GF thing (as evident by your posts) and there's no way it doesn't seep out in your real life (conscious). You can say "Girls can't read my mind!" all you want, but girls can read body language.

 

How do you become less obsessed? That's the question. The answer is finding other life interests, and also focusing on other people (it helps take the focus off of you). That's why people keep recommending you to volunteer, forming a social circle, etc.

 

I didn't just buy a lottery ticket and hit the 5Mill jackpot, SD. I formulated a business plan, with strategies and a PURPOSE, and my business took off. Granted, it was 7 months. But I still learned and gained a lot from it.

 

Life isn't about buying a lotto ticket and getting lucky. You have to work hard and smart, too, to better position yourself in whatever endeavor you're looking to achieve. Luck is a part of it, sure, but luck ain't everything. And if you're relying on luck to be everything, perhaps that's why things are the way they are for you.

 

It's like the guy buying lotto tickets for 10 years and he's still not rich. Meanwhile, another guy is working hard, and actually commits to his real career; it's no surprise he is the one who is rich. There's no substitute for hard work. You gotta be PROACTIVE! Get back into volunteering, going out to single events, speed dating, heck, try any and everything! If you've already tried it, try it again!

[Teknoe]

Also, a quick note about why it's important to have a social circle.

 

Before Dana and I became BF-GF, we were hanging out a lot with my friend Eddie and his GF (our co-work Sarah). Dana liked Sarah and Eddie, and of course I did too. We had a lot of fun hanging out. My boss also loved me, so she was always gushing over me and talking me up. It sure did impress Dana that I was "the man" around those parts. Also, my boss asked Dana what she thought of me as a potential BF... that's when Dana started to consciously see me in a new light.

 

It's good to be around friends for many reasons. One of the perks of being around friends is they can speak on your behalf far better than you can. Talking yourself up only makes you look cocky and/or desperate. But a friend that talks you up? You suddenly look like someone girls would like to date. It's just one of the perks of having friends. And the more your girl interest respects your friends, the more weight their words can carry.

 

Not surprisingly, after 4-5 months in our relationship we got very lazy, and stopped spending time with our friends. It became just me and Dana... doing the same stuff over and over. Movie at home, sex, movie at home, sex, movie at the theatres just the 2 of us, 1 does internet while the other watches TV, sex, etc.

 

We stopped caring to make an effort to see our friends. And when left alone, after a while the fire burns out and things get very auto-pilot. That's when our relationship fell apart.

 

All in all, it's very important to have some kind of social circle. It helps keep you sharp and on point. Left alone, it's too easy for certain people to just never grow or change.

 

Making friends is scary because you have to open yourself up and be vulnerable. But it is worth it, and it is a wise investment. I've said this before and I'll say it again. I have never ever seen a loner have a girl fall for him and become his girlfriend. Never. I'm not saying you need to have 100 friends or 10 super, super close friends. But it does help to have some sort of social circle. You'll be a more rounded better person for it.

[Teknoe]

Final note: The notion that one will develop confidence (or even friends) after they get with a significant other is false.

 

My confidence was at an all-time high prior to getting with Dana. It's what helped attracted me to her in the first place, besides the fact that she trusted me and knew I would never hurt her in a million years.

 

If I were self-defeatist, she never would have dated me. Period.

 

Confidence is not something you will develop the second you get a girlfriend. It has to come before. If you are more insecure than normal, odds are very low you'll get a girlfriend. If you're super insecure and have no social circle, odds are EXTREMELY low of ever landing a girlfriend. And that's why people been telling you SD to increase your confidence and find a social circle. Until you start to truly address those issues, your GF dream is just that: a dream.