[Real Success Story] How Dana and I became girlfriend-boyfriend

[Teknoe]

(Note: by "success" I mean an actual give-and-take boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. We didn't just date for a few weeks. We were actually a couple for many months)

 

I'm sensing a lot of bickering, angst and negativity on the dating forum. In an attempt to bring something a bit fresh, I'd like to share a time in my life where I had a girlfriend. Maybe this thread will help others to be encouraged, or simply read a concrete story and see how the BF/GF process occurred between someone who was hot (Dana) and someone who was merely average (me).

 

I first met Dana online in summer 2003. I just completed my sophomore college year and Dana's blog entries (on that infamous Xanga website) struck my fancy. Because she was going to attend my college that Fall as a freshman, her blog was listed in my college's ring. I did a random click and found her journal entries to be amazingly entertaining, witty and hilarious. Something in my spirit clicked with her. Also, it didn't hurt that she was mighty, awfully cute either! She was exactly what I liked: short 5'0" Asian girl with long black hair. Cute face and even 34B (hey, just trying to paint a vivid picture). And she dressed as most young Asian girls in California dress: short shorts, tee and flip flops, almost regardless of the weather.

 

I started leaving some comments on some of her entries and she would leave comments on mine. We had a witty banter going back and forth. Unfortunately, she was taken. Our leaving friendly comments went on throughout summer 2003 and into the Fall.

 

However, by December 2003, her boyfriend had broken up with her. She was crushed and I did my best to comfort her. We eventually became best e-friends. Chatting 2-3 hours a day. Everyday. Funny thing was we went to the same college but didn't meet up yet. She didn't know what I looked like because I didn't post a picture on my blog. Only I knew what she looked like.

 

One day on campus January 2004 I was walking to the parking lot and I saw her. My heart skipped a beat. She was as cute in real life as in her pictures. I even remember thinking why did her ex break up with her? I was a 20 year old junior at the time, and she was an 18 year old freshman. I stopped her and asked

 

"Are you Dana?"

 

"Yeah... sorry do I know you?"

 

"Uh, sort of? Haha... it's me, Tek!"

 

"Oh my goodness! We finally meet!"

 

We had a brief 1 minute discussion. We went our separate ways and I remember walking to my car thinking "Hmmm, I wonder if we will still be best friends after she's seen me..." (I'm not ugly, but I'm not hot either. Looks-wise, she was definitely "out of my league" if you believe in that sort of stuff)

 

Anyway, later that night she IM'ed me, and she talked about how nice it was to finally meet me. We chatted 3 hours that night, and 2-3 hours everyday after that. I was relieved to find out she still enjoyed chatting with me after finding out what I looked like. Many times there's a disappointment with the girl because she imagines you one way in her head, but when she finally sees you you shatter the image she had built up in her own mind.

 

So, we eventually agreed to hang out... like normal friends do, lol. She lived a block off campus on her own.

 

I'll never forget our first hang-out. We watched a movie at her apt, went to McDonalds (lol @ being broke college students), went back to her apt and watched another movie. Then we called it a night.

 

We scheduled a 2nd hang out the week later. This one was actually a planned sleepover. Yes, on our 2nd hang out Dana and I slept in the same small twin size bed she had.

 

I was so nervous, since I was 20 and never slept in the same bed with a girl before. In fact, truth be told, I was a virgin and hadn't even kissed a girl before let alone being out on a date!

 

Dana was playful in bed in a way where if I was more aggressive, I could have capitalized. She kept hitting my hand playfully but I never escalated. We ended up falling asleep nothing happened.

 

Fast forward to April 2004. I was working at a store at the local mall. I got Dana her first job when I gave her a rub to my boss. My boss Tiffany liked me a lot, so whoever I recommended was hired immediately. On Dana's first shift, I stayed with her UNPAID to make sure she was OK. I worked 10-4, then she came in 4-close. I stayed with her after working a full shift. That's how much I liked being around her and wanted to make sure she was OK.

 

In her eyes, she would later tell me when we got together, that meant a lot and it made her feel like she could trust me more.

 

Around this same time two very interesting events occurred. They literally changed the course of my life.

 

1. April 2004 as I was working the customers, my boss asked Dana "So what do you think of Tek as a boyfriend?" Dana told me she was caught off guard, but after our boss asked her that, it became something she consciously thought about. And she told me what attracted her to me was that she could trust me, and I could protect her. Also, she liked my sense of humor. We just clicked as best friends, and she said she now started seeing me from the BF angle after our boss verbalized it to her conscious

 

2. April 18, 2004 I'll never forget that. I almost got killed by a gang. I found myself in the wrong part of town, and I was harrassed verbally for 20 minutes. Somehow, an angel was watching over me and the gang members decided to move on. I seriously remember thinking this is it, my life's over...

 

I realized life was too short.

 

So May 2004 I decided to just kiss her, lol. We had another sleepover. We were talking in bed. And while she was in mid-sentence I manned up and sat up, leaned over her and kissed her.

 

It was the first kiss of my life. It was insane. It became like a 25 second french kiss. I rolled back to lie down and we said nothing. But you could feel this buzz in the room. We fell asleep in each other's arms. The next morning we talked and she told me we had 3 options:

 

1. We could ignore last night and remain best friends

2. We could go FWB

3. We could become BF-GF

 

She said "I prefer the third option myself. What about you?"

I responded, "Oh 3rd all the way!" We both laughed. Then silence.

 

"Ahem," she muttered.

 

I stared blankly at her, green as a rookie.

 

She coughed again.

 

"What?"

"You have to ask me, you know..." she retorted playfully (remember she was 18 and I was 20 never had a GF in my life before at the time)

 

"Ask you what?"

 

"If you want me to be your girlfriend silly!"

 

"OH! Right... um... Dana, will you be my girlfriend?"

 

"No."

 

"What, but you just said --"

"Of course!" And then she hugged me. It was so silly, so stupid and so Disney, but that was just the way we were.

 

2004 was a great summer, lol. Lots of french kissing, I lost my virginity, she loved video games, we loved just bumming around watching movies at home, I slept over every night, we took showers together, she ahem, "satisfied" me every day.... it was a great summer

 

If anyone has any questions about Dana and me, feel free to ask and I'll be happy to answer. There are so many other details that I left out, so I may post more stories later in this thread.

 

Dana and I were a couple from May-December 2004. She got married in late 2010, to the guy she dated after we broke up. I used to think man that could have been me... but I also know better than to play that cruel what if game, and just be grateful for what I experienced and what I learned from that relationship with D. I also understood... we broke up for a reason, and a strong, stable marriage was never possible with D.

[Star Gazer]

I'm confused.

 

Is this thread about a 7 month relationship that occurred 8 years ago?

[jobaba]

Yea. Pretty good story man.

 

Your story is how I imagined things would happen for me. Girl falls for me after getting to know me as a friend first. Nope.

 

But I won't be all negative ... I've gotten some at least.

 

So you haven't had a GF since then?

[somedude81]

So somehow you had would should have been strictly a friendzone situation turn into a relationship.

 

Congratulations on getting lucky.

[Teknoe]

I'm confused.

 

Is this thread about a 7 month relationship that occurred 8 years ago?

 

Yes, it was a 7 month relationship that happened 8 years ago. But it's also about how an average guy successfully got with a cute girl.

 

 

Yea. Pretty good story man.

 

Your story is how I imagined things would happen for me. Girl falls for me after getting to know me as a friend first. Nope.

 

But I won't be all negative ... I've gotten some at least.

 

So you haven't had a GF since then?

 

It's been pretty dry, lol. After Dana, I kept falling for unavailable girls. I'll give you an example. I had a huge crush on a friend, but she was already in a 3 year relationship. I liked this other girl when we were both 24, only to find out she was in a 7 year relationship and had a 5 year old son lol. I always seemed to fall (unknowingly) for girls who were already taken.

 

 

So somehow you had would should have been strictly a friendzone situation turn into a relationship.

 

Congratulations on getting lucky.

 

Yeah I bucked the system. But it was 100% luck, either. I had to show to Dana that I was boyfriend material. We chatted close to 100 hours and while I do believe chatting online builds a false sense of intimacy, it can still reveal certain beliefs and values about a person. Dana and I got to know each other pretty well even before we met face to face.

 

Also, like I said, Dana was impressed by how safe she felt around me. She also told me she liked how thoughtful I was. For example, I stayed with her on all her shifts, UNPAID. When she got hungry I left to the food court buy her favorite McDonalds meal -- the chicken nugget combo... remember the first hang out Dana and I had? Dana ordered chicken nugget combo and she told me that night it was her favorite guilty pleasure. I remembered that and bought it for her without her asking or telling me to. She found that incredibly sweet and thoughtful.

 

Believe it or not, girls do appreciate and love it when guys are thoughtful and sensitive to THEIR NEEDS. You could be average looking like I am. Dana saw my heart and it stirred her heart.

 

That's why it's so important to really listen to the girl you like, and actions always speak louder than words.

 

Little things add up!

 

So, was I lucky? Sure.

 

But did *I* have an active role to play and carry out? Of course. It wasn't just pure luck. I had to chat her up in the beginning. I had to have a job where I had a great relationship with my boss, whom I could recommend Dana to, I had to be thoughtful and remember her likes and preferences and I had to show her that I could put her needs before mine.

 

And that's why it's important to build up a social circle and show empathy. The work place really helped me since I helped her land her first job ever, her boss put in a good word for me (i.e. something I couldn't do for myself. Girls love it when people they like or respect tells them good things about you... it automatically makes the girl feel a lot more safe and that you COULD indeed make for a good boyfriend) and I stayed on her shifts to keep her entertained and protected from crazy customers (which we got a lot of). A lot of my actions showed her how much I cared about her as a friend and as a person. She wasn't just some trophy to win and have sex with. She felt that and that's how I got myself "into the game."

 

So yeah, not just pure dumb luck. Make no bones about it, the guy has a major ACTIVE role to play as well.

[somedude81]

We chatted close to 100 hours and while I do believe chatting online builds a false sense of intimacy, it can still reveal certain beliefs and values about a person. Dana and I got to know each other pretty well even before we met face to face.

And that's exactly why you should not have gotten anywhere with her. But you got lucky, she ended up liking you.

 

Also, like I said, Dana was impressed by how safe she felt around me. She also told me she liked how thoughtful I was. For example, I stayed with her on all her shifts, UNPAID. When she got hungry I left to the food court buy her favorite McDonalds meal -- the chicken nugget combo... remember the first hang out Dana and I had? Dana ordered chicken nugget combo and she told me that night it was her favorite guilty pleasure. I remembered that and bought it for her without her asking or telling me to. She found that incredibly sweet and thoughtful.

Nice guy/doormat actions. You found a rare girl who actually appreciated that.

 

"My girl" wouldn't even let me buy or get anything for her. I tried to give her an old game of mine that I knew she would have liked, and she insisted on paying for it.

 

I was as active with her as I possibly could be, as she would allow me to be.

 

You got lucky and I didn't.

[Teknoe]

"My girl" wouldn't even let me buy or get anything for her. I tried to give her an old game of mine that I knew she would have liked, and she insisted on paying for it.

 

I was as active with her as I possibly could be, as she would allow me to be.

 

You got lucky and I didn't.

 

Maybe stop trying on girls who don't like you beyond friendship.

 

My D was open to liking me beyond friendship. My actions helped, of course, but she was open in the first place.

 

If a girl is not open AT ALL, there's nothing you can say or do to change her mind in 99% cases.

[runner]

And that's exactly why you should not have gotten anywhere with her. But you got lucky, she ended up liking you.

Nice guy/doormat actions. You found a rare girl who actually appreciated that.

 

"My girl" wouldn't even let me buy or get anything for her. I tried to give her an old game of mine that I knew she would have liked, and she insisted on paying for it.

 

I was as active with her as I possibly could be, as she would allow me to be.

 

You got lucky and I didn't.

 

you really need to re-read what he posted; and then read it again about three more times if you still don't get it.

 

this was much more than just dumb, random luck: he liked her, she liked him; he took his chances and it paid off. in your case, you're going after girls that don't see you that way, at all. your job moving forward is to decipher the difference between the two types. good luck with that.

[somedude81]

he liked her, she liked him; he took his chances and it paid off.

And why did she like him?

 

Was it something he actually did to make her fall for him?

 

Doubt it.

 

Hell, you even said he took his chances and it paid off. If that doesn't scream getting lucky I don't know what does.

 

I take my chances and it never pays off.

[Els]

I think it's a pretty cool story, Teknoe. Though I did wish it was more recent.

[crazylove]

Nice to have a happy story for a change! Thanks for sharing:)

[Els]

Also, like I said, Dana was impressed by how safe she felt around me. She also told me she liked how thoughtful I was. For example, I stayed with her on all her shifts, UNPAID. When she got hungry I left to the food court buy her favorite McDonalds meal -- the chicken nugget combo... remember the first hang out Dana and I had? Dana ordered chicken nugget combo and she told me that night it was her favorite guilty pleasure. I remembered that and bought it for her without her asking or telling me to. She found that incredibly sweet and thoughtful.

 

Believe it or not, girls do appreciate and love it when guys are thoughtful and sensitive to THEIR NEEDS. You could be average looking like I am. Dana saw my heart and it stirred her heart.

 

That's why it's so important to really listen to the girl you like, and actions always speak louder than words.

 

Also, this really is very sweet, and very true. I think the claims that some men make about 'men only doing stuff like that to make up for what they lack' is utter bullcrap, and likely borne out of sour grapes. A person, man or woman, can absolutely respect themselves and hold themselves in high esteem, and still want to do nice things for the man or woman they love. I know I found many of the things the bf did when he was courting me incredibly sweet, and they definitely did play a part in shaping my high opinion of him.

 

Does it ALWAYS pay off? Of course not. But clearly it does with the right person, and that's all that matters.

[somedude81]

Also, this really is very sweet, and very true. I think the claims that some men make about 'men only doing stuff like that to make up for what they lack' is utter bullcrap, and likely borne out of sour grapes. A person, man or woman, can absolutely respect themselves and hold themselves in high esteem, and still want to do nice things for the man or woman they love. I know I found many of the things the bf did when he was courting me incredibly sweet, and they definitely did play a part in shaping my high opinion of him.

 

Does it ALWAYS pay off? Of course not. But clearly it does with the right person, and that's all that matters.

The thing is, a great deal of men would gladly do the same exact things he did if they knew it would mean anything to the girl.

 

It's not rare that he did them, it's rare that she appreciated them.

[Els]

Please read my last sentence again.

[somedude81]

And I'm sure that there is some woman out there who likes getting slapped with a fish. It works for her and that's all that matters.

[Els]

Hey, if that's what you want to take out of success stories, by all means. Clearly women are all off having relationships with some mythical 2% of men and their clones, while the other 98% are left to dwell in miserable loneliness for not being the 2%, and nothing can change that. Yes?

[Teknoe]

Nice guy/doormat actions. You found a rare girl who actually appreciated that.

 

Doormat? How is buying her her favorite meal a doormat action? Again, you have to remember that she wasn't AGAINST dating me. In your case, your D was from the get-go. My D was never against dating me. And that's the big difference.

 

 

you really need to re-read what he posted; and then read it again about three more times if you still don't get it.

 

this was much more than just dumb, random luck: he liked her, she liked him; he took his chances and it paid off. in your case, you're going after girls that don't see you that way, at all. your job moving forward is to decipher the difference between the two types. good luck with that.

 

Thanks. Yeah, I liked her from the start, and she along the lines fell for me. She was never "put off" by me, so I always had a shot to begin with. I just took my sweet time and miraculously, it still worked out. The miracle isn't that she appreciated my actions, as SD suggests, but rather that we were able to become a couple after being "best friends" for so long.

 

 

Also, this really is very sweet, and very true.

 

Does it ALWAYS pay off? Of course not. But clearly it does with the right person, and that's all that matters.

 

Yes SD, read that last sentence again.

If the girl doesn't see you in that romantic light AT ALL, then you have no shot at winning her heart. For me, Dana was very much open. You need to find someone who is open as well.

 

 

The thing is, a great deal of men would gladly do the same exact things he did if they knew it would mean anything to the girl.

 

It's not rare that he did them, it's rare that she appreciated them.

 

I don't think it's rare that I did them, and I don't think it's rare that she appreciated them.

 

Again, the key is -- is the girl open to liking you beyond friendship?

 

Dana was, your D wasn't. It's as simple as that.

 

More examples of things I did to show Dana how much I cared about her:

 

1. One night she came home from a party wasted. When we chatted on the phone I could tell she was out of her mind. I asked her if I could come over to take care of her. She said sure. So I came over and pretty much spent the night tending to her. She threw up several times, slept in the bathroom and I made sure she didn't hit her head against the toilet bowl

 

2. One time she was sick and couldn't make it to class. It was the week before the big test, so I actually went to her class, sat in, and took notes for her. I was basically her proxy. Luckily, it was my break time, so I didn't have to cut any classes, but yeah, she really was surprised when I brought her notes. She didn't ask me to, I just did it because I cared

 

3. The night we became boyfriend-girlfriend we watched 13 Going On 30. It was opening night. I remember it clear as day. Friday night May 15, 2004. BTW the movie was awesome; we both loved it. After the movie ended, as we were walking out I naturally placed my hand on the small of her back as we headed out to the cool of the night. She later told me that touch sent electricity throughout her body, and is definitely what she calls a "boyfriend move." I had no idea placing my hand on the small of her back to guide her out of the theatre was such a big move to her. She said she felt protected and that I was "leading" her. She said it was damn sexy, lol.

 

So yeah, people might call these actions "nice guy/doormat" but I don't have a huge ego. I think these are nice things, and I like to do nice things especially for people I love and care about. I cared a lot for Dana, and wasn't afraid to show her that I cared. But again, the key is the girl has to be open about liking you beyond friendship. Your D never was, and that's why it was doomed to fail despite the 2 years you put into her. My D was open, and my actions spoke loudly to her in a positive way.

 

@ Els, aw thanks. Yeah I wish it was a little more recently too myself, heh. One of these days... for now, I'm in no rush. I believe when the right one comes along, I'll know it.

[Els]

 

3. The night we became boyfriend-girlfriend we watched 13 Going On 30. It was opening night. I remember it clear as day. Friday night May 15, 2004. BTW the movie was awesome; we both loved it. After the movie ended, as we were walking out I naturally placed my hand on the small of her back as we headed out to the cool of the night. She later told me that touch sent electricity throughout her body, and is definitely what she calls a "boyfriend move." I had no idea placing my hand on the small of her back to guide her out of the theatre was such a big move to her. She said she felt protected and that I was "leading" her. She said it was damn sexy, lol.

 

Aww, snap, that movie. I watched it with the bf while we were on vacation together, and I swear he hated it, he probably knew he'd hate it before he even started watching it. But he came out of the bath while I was watching it, and still wanted to join me. I'll always remember that sacrifice.

 

@ Els, aw thanks. Yeah I wish it was a little more recently too myself, heh. One of these days... for now, I'm in no rush. I believe when the right one comes along, I'll know it.

 

Yep, definitely. There's so much more in life to be enjoyed.

[Teknoe]

Yep, definitely. There's so much more in life to be enjoyed.

 

 

Yup. I think when a person gets too caught up in "OMG OMG I want a BF/GF so badly!" it just seeps out of the poor person, no matter how much they try to cover it up. Summer 2010 I was like that. It was funny because in my social circle I became known as "that guy." The guys would crack on me so much about it. Anytime a "relationship" topic or question came up, inevitably so too would the Teknoe joke.

 

Since summer 2010 I have realized... singleness isn't a disease or even something that defines who I am or what kind of person I am. It's a season. It might go for many seasons, but it's not going to define who I am nor my self-worth. I refuse to tie my self-worth into another person.

 

Some people just get themselves caught up in a net. It's unhealthy to be focusing on it 24/7. I know a lot of guys in real life who can't stop thinking and talking about it. Those guys usually are off-balance a bit and need more moderation in their lives. Don't be consumed by your desires.

 

There's much more to life to enjoy than JUST that.

[Els]

Yeah. Also, IMO it's really nice to read and relive stories of young love. There's a sort of innocence and naivete that is refreshing in the backdrop of all the dealbreaker/rate-a-person/powerplay threads. Certainly you both had a lot to learn, about yourselves and others, but I'm sure it was a great experience as well.

[Radu]

Nice story.

 

Why did you split up and are you still friends ?

[Teknoe]

Yeah. Also, IMO it's really nice to read and relive stories of young love. There's a sort of innocence and naivete that is refreshing in the backdrop of all the dealbreaker/rate-a-person/powerplay threads. Certainly you both had a lot to learn, about yourselves and others, but I'm sure it was a great experience as well.

 

It is nice to relive young love stories indeed.

 

But I'm about to bust the "innocence" on this thread, lol. The first time she made me "happy" ahem... I became happy in a record time, lol. She said "I guess we'll have to keep practicing" with this sly little grin. I was just like :D lol I hit the jackpot. She was cute, great personality, quirky, loved video games (she was a huge DDR and Time Crisis fan) and loved making me "happy." Indeed, she made me happy everyday! Believe me, I was very happy. lol

[Radu]

Hey, if that's what you want to take out of success stories, by all means. Clearly women are all off having relationships with some mythical 2% of men and their clones, while the other 98% are left to dwell in miserable loneliness for not being the 2%, and nothing can change that. Yes?

 

Awesome, i'm a big fan of polygyny ... and getting 25 women to serve each of us is great !

[Teknoe]

Nice story.

 

Why did you split up and are you still friends ?

 

We're still friends, although we don't contact each other much these days, with her being married now and what not. Last time we spoke was earlier this year when I ran into her husband at Staples of all places. I sent her a quick text about that along with the funny exchange James and I had.

 

And we broke up because her ex wanted to get back with her. Yup. Her "first love." I still remember the night she called me to come over. I remember crying on the freeway because I could see it coming, and there was nothing I could do.

 

I used to think on lonely nights what would have happened if her ex never came back into the picture, but I quickly realized thinking like that wasn't healthy. I also realized it never would have worked out between me and her long-term. She taught me a lot about the value of consistently communicating. Not taking things for granted. Not assuming and being more proactive in a relationship.

 

Truth be told, after 4-5 months we both became way too comfortable in the relationship. My friends warned me at the time about the so-called "3 month wall" but I laughed them out. But they were kind of right. Dana and I both became lazy in the relationship and as a result, neither of us were growing together or individually. It became routine and I didn't know any better how to take a more active role. I was naive and tried to sweep this issue under the rug, but eventually it burst the bubble.

 

I was dumped right before Finals. It was cruel as hell, lol. Needless to say, I did horribly on my Finals that semester. My worst collegiate GPA. Not something I'm proud of. It took me 3 and a half months to get over her. I didn't get over her until about March 2005.

 

2005 was the year I got back into collecting old cartoons and sitcoms from my youth. So I used Duck Tales, TMNT, Mighty Max, Saved By The Bell, Full House, etc. as a way to relive my childhood and help me forget about her. I thought I would never get over her. But I did.

[Radu]

No offense, but to me it sounds like you dodged a bullet.

 

Still, very nice memory.