ashvllgrl Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 (edited) Out of a great respect for all of the posters who commented on my past posts, particularly "a Question for Remorseful Other Women" (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/323664-question-remorseful-ow), I am posting a brief summary of my meeting as the FBS with the FOW last Thursday. There is much talk when reconciling with a WS on the need for remorse as opposed to shame or regret AND the action of making amends for the harm caused. It was clear from this OW's email and confirmed as I saw her face as she walked in the door that her apology came from a place of great remorse. I also felt that her willingness to meet face to face was the action of making amends. I told her this and told her I felt she had great courage and should be proud of herself. I said that she gave me a gift by meeting me as in the past I've found that being reserved not showing vulnerability has worked well for me, but at a price and here I took a chance and was vulnerable in reaching out to her and she graciously and courageously accepted my offer. I apologized for taking so long to call our meeting but I needed to be sure I was in the right place to do so. She spoke of how this event has haunted (her word) her for the past two years. How she has been purposely avoiding places I might be, how she dreaded the thought of running into me somewhere. She talked about how she had written an apology about 2 months after but never sent it cause she realized it was really for herself, but that she also stayed away out of respect for my FWH and my need of time to reconcile. We talked a bit about how affairs hurt all parties involved. I told her my FWH had not gotten a pass - both in his internal struggle with being 'that kind of man who would cheat' and because I did not make it easy on him. I told her that her meeting me was a great gift, helping me to reclaim a piece of myself that was lost 2 years ago, and I thanked her. She told me she felt her father who was a peacemaker but died 4 years ago was looking down and smiling. She also said that now she feel like she can move on with her life The rest of the 1 1/2 we just chatted about life, work, hobbies, just two women meeting over a glass of wine. I know that my last post was as Joni Mitchell says "all emotion and abstraction". That was I think, the purging of the last of the poison, the last of the pain residual in my system. After a good nights sleep and a walk in the woods - I felt free and reclaimed. Even able to reclaim my daily trail runs something I gave up a 1 1/2 years ago because running in the woods left me too much time to brood and made me just so sad. But no more. Ive run/hiked every day since our meeting and all I feel is joy. She also seems to have benefited greatly. I returned from my hike on Friday to find the following email from her. "Ashvllgrl, I just want to thank you for calling our meeting yesterday. I was so impressed by your grace and thoughtfulness. I came away from that meeting with a lightness of heart; I feel a profound sense of peace—even redemption. Thank you. The events of two years ago shook my world and my sense of self. Being able to apologize, to hear how this has impacted you, and also to learn that you are strong and well were really important for me. You gave me a wonderful gift. Good luck in your path. I wish you all the best. And I’ll see you around!! OW P.S.—try to be vulnerable more often. It suits you." Our meeting is working out to be one of the best experiences of my life. I feel strong, I feel like my soul has grown and my heart has expanded. Forgiveness truly is a gift you give yourself. I really want to thank all of you who have helped me a BS you've never met, and all of you really have helped. I hope your journey resolves as well as it has for me and dare I say as it has for the OW who shared this journey with me. Ashvllgrl. Edited April 30, 2012 by ashvllgrl 12
woinlove Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 Thanks for sharing that, ashvllgrl. I think you are remarkable in reaching out like that and I'm happy that it worked out well for you, for both of you.
findingnemo Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 AG, I'm so happy for you. You are truly someone special, you know. You have courage, grace and class. I kept hoping that this was the kind of meeting you had. That you would walk away knowing that the future can look bright again. I wish that you continue your journey in your M with much the same traits. You will not fail to find peace. Of that I'm sure. This thread should be put in the hall of fame. It is a rare thing for both OW and BW to meet and come away in peace. May God bless you and your family. 1
Summer Breeze Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 Thank you so much for sharing that AG. The courage it took you both is incredible and I hope you both carry the peace forward with you.
jphcbpa Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 beautiful, thank you for sharing the love. this helped me... Let Go To "let go" does not mean to stop caring. It means I can't do it for someone else. To "let go" is not to cut myself off. It's the realization I can't control another. To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences. To "let go" is to admit powerlessness which means the outcome is not in my hands. To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself. To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about. To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive. To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being. To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their destinies. To "let go" is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality. To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept. To "let go" is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them. To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be. To "let go" is to not regret the past, but to grow and live for the future. To "let go" is to fear less and LOVE MORE!
SoxPrincess Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 Ditto LadyGrey..this brought tears to my eyes as well. You truly are a remarkable lady, ashvllgrl and I'm happy beyond words that meeting with her was such a good experience for you. As an exOW, I'm not sure if I would have been able to meet with the BW, so I appreciate how you took the time to tell her you felt she had great courage & should be proud of herself. I'm truly in awe of your strength & grace. (((HUGS)))
spice4life Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 You're awesome ashvlle girl! Best wishes on your continued journey of healing. 1
BigLiam Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 Amazing, your strength and ability to forgive. I wish my XW would apologize. Same with the OM. But, I do not think they ever wil. So, I accept what they did to our family. 2
Spark1111 Posted May 2, 2012 Posted May 2, 2012 There is something so amazingly healing when mutual forgiveness can be attained. You are very fortunate AG -- also very courageous and genuine. So apparently was your OW. You are fortunate that this gesture and gift of closure was available to you. So many will never have that experience and the healing process is so much longer for them. Best of all to you and your spouse and your marriage. 2
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