Three Losses....A lot of Pain Inside......How Do I Cope?

[luvluv]

I am in a lot of emotional pain. First, the background. I had been dating someone for over two years.....at first we were like two peas in a pod. I have never experienced such closeness and tenderness from another soul. But for a story of reasons, things fell apart between us. It boiled down to the core problems of my boyfriend being unable to settle his life, get a job, rid himself of some vices...etc.......He moved away last September, but two months ago he moved back into town, telling me he has changed, that he is ready to be serious, ready to get his life together, etc. Fast forward to now--to find he still has no job, no place to live, etc.........The pain has been reopened, and reopened hard.

 

Along with this loss, I suffered a massive setback in my business and had to close shop. I am left feeling lost and terrified as to what I am going to do next........

 

And at the forefront of this pain is another recent development. It probably sounds ridiculous.......I don't know..... I had been writing on another forum set up to help those dealing with loss. Someone wrote back to me and took a very keen interest in my story and my personality as well. He wrote to me via my own email.........He had been suffering a very deep loss, too.....So we began writing back and forth, assisting one another through our respective losses. Over the week, a fast, kindred friendship formed. There seemed to be between us a very deep, caring and otherworldy bond.......very tender and perceptive. It became obvious that our letters had traveled into another realm, a realm of affection. Logically, I know ths can be labeled as a sort of fantasy thing. I normally do not find email connections easy or satisfying, but with hhim, it was utterly different.

 

One night, I wrote something that moved him deeply. He responded with..."Dear, come over and put your arms around me...." He is in Georgia, and I am in California, but we would write as though we were just down the street. I wrote "I am on my way." And he wrote back.."Marry me?" And along with the little joke, I wrote, "Yes." I don't know if any of this was proper, but nonetheless, it put a smile on my face and helped me get through the day.

 

My angst stems from this---It seems that whenever I am a little bit more open and vulnerable with a man, he finds this distasteful, even though he might have inititiated the steps toward more closeness. In all my connections, I have always waited for the man to take the lead---only because I need to be sure of what he feels. When I have responded with a more open heart, it is as though I am suddenly uninteresting and to be avoided. I always thought that as soon as I fell in love, the universe spots me and takes away the object of my affection--in other words, I feel cursed....whomever I love, I lose.

 

When I was more open with this man online, he turned distant and cold. I feel so wrong for this world-----I want so desperately to see, to feel, to know all of life, all of its emotions, its happiness, its deep sorrows....all of it......and it seems like a cruel joke that I cannot seem to find just one soul who I can pour all of my being, my love, into..........Am I cursed? Does my openess and tenderness send people away? What am I doing wrong? Do I not know how to walk the delicate line of male-female connections????

[KANSAN]

DON'T GIVE UP, YOU SOUND LIKE A WARM LOVEING PERSON THAT ANY SINGLE PERSON IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD'NT PASS UP A CHANCE TO GO OUT WITH AND GET TO KNOW BETTER. JUST KEEP DOING WHAT YOUR DOING BEING YOURSELF, DON'T LOOK AND IT WILL COME.

[dreamguy]

Stop all sorts of contact with this man (the one you met on the other forum).

I hope I'm wrong but obviously he seems to be using you. I hate to say it but it seems this a**hole got into the forum with the only intention of hunting down and using (God knows in what ways) confused people who are feeling the need for tenderness at any cost !!

One night, I wrote something that moved him deeply. He responded with..."Dear, come over and put your arms around me...." And he wrote back.."Marry me?". Wtf is that for a response to someone who's hurting like hell ??

He's one of two things. Either he's a con (deceiving you to use you and dump you later on) or he's really who he says he is (and he has lost someone recently) but he's so weak and confused that he doesn't know what the hell he wants. Either way he's gonna wreck your life even more ! STOP ALL CONTACT WITH HIM if you haven't given him your coordinates.

Concerning your boyfriend, if he really loves you (and can't help you) then he should understand what you're financially going through and he should be patient. If he can't then I'm sorry to say that you should let him go, at least until you're back on your feet. You'll deal with him later.

And although it seems impossible right now, you still can do it if you focus on one task at a time.

It looks like finding a job (being financially secure) should be your top priority for the time being. You need to financially secure yourself before you can even think about your love life. First things first !!

[sportsloving]

I am sorry that you are having such a rough period of time ... but remember, bad things usually happens in threes and therefore you should be hitting the pretty life any moment!

 

I created and lost a business last year, it struck me so deeply I never thought I would recover from it. Along with the sense of loss, failure and the over all, UGHs but you know ... when one door is slammed shut, someone has usually left a window open (and no jumping !).

 

I don't know what to say of the forum gentleman, either he is still reeling from his loss and felt it was all friendly banter and when it got deep ... he froze. Or he is actually a hurtful person who preyed on your emotions and has created more problems ... I don't know. But I do know that there is nothing you are doing wrong, you are being a very warm, caring, loving person and no one should be able to take that away from you nor make you doubt in yourself.

 

Please take care of yourself. Think of these losses as learning experiences and try to live your days to the best you can. You will find love, a true love who will love the way you are able to express yourself. You will be happy ... after the rain of tears, the rainbow shall come out. I promise.

 

Good luck to you and keep your chin up, you are stronger than all of this!

[luvluv]

I want to thank you all for your responses...thank you kansan and sports for adding in words of warmth...God knows I need that now. I will think about dreamguy's suggestion to not contact my online. It's a tough decision.

 

I appreciate these words....thank you........

[sportsloving]

You are most welcome and I do hope your turn at happiness starts now Take care and best wishes