parkertammy2010 Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 (edited) Hello, I need some relationship advice. I’m dating a guy that suffers from bouts of depression. I’ve met him 1 year ago, and we made the relationship official 4 months ago. We are both 30 years old, with no kids, and college graduates. We are both looking to settle down. He is a very nice person and a perfect gentleman. Very kind, considerate, and loving. He is my best friend and always there for me. We have not had sex, and have taken the relationship slowly. On the phone we have great conversations and he’s fun on the phone. I thought he was a great catch until now. Here is the problem. Months ago, I learned that he has a problem picking his hair bumps, especially in his hair line. He does it until his skin is damaged and inflamed. He told me that he likes to do it and that it feels good. Last week, he bent over and I saw a bump on his buttocks that was inflamed and red. I was disgusted and the vision stays in my head! His hair is thinning in one spot of his hair and he admitted that picking bumps damaged his scalp. He also becomes easily anxious. If he loses his keys or makes a mistake, he becomes jittery and goes into panic mode about things that are not serious at all. His hands tremble and he becomes stuck and nervous. When this happens I have to fix the problem because he cannot think. He often complains about feeling sick. He’s sick on his stomach, bloated, has cancer, strained muscles, constipation, a headache, etc. Often times he tells me that he doesn’t feel good mentally, and he asks to cuddle or for a hug. When we hangout, I never have any fun. I’ve only had fun with him once. He’s always complaining about “something hurts” or “ I don’t feel good”. He loves going to the doctor. I swear he goes once a month, and nothing is every wrong with him. Once he played basketball for 5 minutes, pulled a muscle, and then called me crying about how we wanted me to take him to the doctor. I told him NO, and that he will be fine in a few days. He was okay 2 days later. He rarely smiles, even though he is always nice. Around his friends, he laughs obniously and tries to hard….it seems so fake. It’s a turn off for me. He tries hard to impress people, including me. He is a people pleaser. I’m a high energy person that likes to have fun, laugh, joke, etc. On the phone he has so much energy and good conversation. In person he is the complete opposite. I don’t know what to do. I’m an attractive lady, in shape, that likes to dress up and look nice. He doesn’t really care about his appearance or exercise. The last time he jogged he became supposedly ill. I care for him a lot, but I don’t know if I will be able to handle his depression and mental problems in the future. He is a great boyfriend and treats me nicely. But it’s getting to be too much for me to handle. He tried a therapist a few months ago, but discontinued after the first visit. He has taken depression medicine before in the past he admitted. Please give me some advice. I care about him alot because he is my friend. But i dont think i can deal with the constant sadness and depression. I dated many loser in the past that broke my heart. I finally found a nice guy that treats me well, and it seems that i cant have him. What should i do? Give me some advice please Edited April 30, 2012 by parkertammy2010 spelling
Star Gazer Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 He's your friend, not your lover, and you're not having any "fun" in the relationship. End it.
Author parkertammy2010 Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 Sorry for the typo in the tile of this post. No im not having any fun at all. But i was willing to overlook this because he treats me really well and cares. I havent met a nice guy in years, so it makes me sad that this is happening. He is always sad, and i ask him why he is sad, and he says he doesnt know. I know that everyone gets down and sad sometimes, so i thought this would pass....But he is always sick or sad, or mentally depressed. Somethings always wrong with him. I make him happy, but he is not making me happy at all.
Author parkertammy2010 Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 I dont know why i always see good in people....thats one of my flaws. He is a sweet heart, the nicest guy i ever met and is always there for me. And he is a mental mess, but hides it well. I didnt know things were this bad until now. But now i want break up with him, because i dont think i can take anymore of his sadness, body aches, etc. Ive never experienced a person like him that is constantly looking for things wrong his body. I feel bad for wanting to abandon him. Then i think about my last 2 years of dating. Ive ran into two losers that treated me badly. Ive finally would a nice guy that cares about me. And i know that people are not perfect. What if i cant replace him.
sid3 Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 I dont know why i always see good in people....thats one of my flaws. I know what you mean, its one of mine too. And i know that people are not perfect. What if i cant replace him. True, nobody is perfect. Perfection doesn't appear to be the issue here, he has.some serious mental issues that he needs to resolve on his own. You're not happy, so do something about it.
Feelsgoodman Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 He is a very nice person and a perfect gentleman. Very kind, considerate, and loving. He is my best friend and always there for me. We have not had sex, and have taken the relationship slowly. That might explain why he's depressed. I'd be depressed too if I acted as a perfect gentleman and was always there for my GF and she didn't even want to have sex me..
Michael Johnson Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 That might explain why he's depressed. I'd be depressed too if I acted as a perfect gentleman and was always there for my GF and she didn't even want to have sex me.. I agree. And women wonder why men tire of their sidelining.
Author parkertammy2010 Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 That might explain why he's depressed. I'd be depressed too if I acted as a perfect gentleman and was always there for my GF and she didn't even want to have sex me.. lol, if thats why he's depressed, then he will be depressed for a long time since im not rushing to sleep with him. He was depressed before i met him . I met him 4 weeks after his divorce. He was depressed, and met a girl. Had a long distance relationship with her for 4 months, then she moved here and married him. They were married for 3 months, then he left her. I took these slow with him because he just got out of a marriage.
Author parkertammy2010 Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 I agree. And women wonder why men tire of their sidelining. So ive only been with him in a commited relationship for a few months, and im suppose to hurry and lay down with him to cure his depression..........sounds very immature!
mortensorchid Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 This guy had this problem long before you got there, so don't stress the fact that it exists. I am sensing a feeling of "I can fix it" by the description, but you are saying that you are not having any fun whatsoever in this situation. End things. You will both be happier - you will not have to be his mother and get nothing out of it, and he will realize his behaviors and seek professional help for these problems. And if he chooses not to seek professional help because he doesn't like professional help / prescriptions, then he can sit there and wallow in his own filth without bringing you down. Life is too short. End it.
Michael Johnson Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 So ive only been with him in a commited relationship for a few months, and im suppose to hurry and lay down with him to cure his depression..........sounds very immature! Nobody said that but obviously you do not see him as a boyfriend and only as a friend to cuddle up on and leave out the door when you feel like it.
Feelsgoodman Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 So ive only been with him in a commited relationship for a few months, and im suppose to hurry and lay down with him to cure his depression..........sounds very immature! You make it sound like laying down with him would be almost as dreadful as laying down in front of a moving locomotive. Why are you with this guy again?
spiderowl Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 He treats you well, you say, but he's a friend not a lover. It doesn't sound as if you want him to be a lover. A year is incredibly slow to develop physical intimacy in a relationship. I'm not criticising you for that at all; I'm presuming you are acting on instinct and realise that he is not making you happy therefore why take it that step further? It sounds like he does have problems with depression and anxiety and in his state it's hard for him to see what would help. It may help him if you encouraged him to see his doctor about depression and about getting counselling for it (he'll be lucky if he gets counselling in the UK though as it's rarely available on the NHS; CBT is the 'fashionable' option at the moment). It seem to me you are both stuck - you are not happy with him and are unlikely to 'promote' him to lover. Is there a point in this relationship? He may treat you well but you are paying quite a high price for it.
Author parkertammy2010 Posted May 1, 2012 Author Posted May 1, 2012 I am listening to what you guys and gals are saying, and i appreciate the imput from all of you. With this guy, we have only been committed a few months, even though ive dated him a year. Before i became commited to him, i made a agreement with myself to wait around before hopping into bed with anyone. I was hurt by the last guy, so i refuse to has sex with anyone quickly. So i dont see my slowness to sex him as a problem. He never presures me for sex either, since he wants to move slow too....He was extremly hurt by his ex wife and she stabbed him, so he doesnt mind moving slow. He has told me that he loves me and that im his best friend as well. About him being a lover....Do we have to have sex in order to be lovers? ..We may have had a chance to be intimate in the near future if he wasnt always sick, stressed, or depressed. Its hard to see a person in a sexual nature if they are always ill. Its a turn off. He wasnt like that months ago, or maybe i didnt see it. I am always there to comfort him. To console him. The is never a chance for intimacy. How can u be intimate with a person that is always depressed? Am i wrong for wanting a boyfriend that is my friend? I feel that in order to have a good relationship with someone, that they have to be my friend first. I dont want to date a stranger. I refuse to have sex with a stranger, so thats out of the question. And yes, i always think that i can fix a person. I always think that if i am supportive and accepting that they will change.
dasein Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 BJs cure depression faster than SSRIs, trust me I'm a luv doctor.
Pierre Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 OP Your guy suffers from anxiety and panic disorder. It is likely he also has low self esteem and bouts of depression. Anxiety and depression are wings of the same bird. He needs cognitive behavioral therapy. Otherwise, he is not a good candidate for a relationship.
amantis Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 (edited) You dont love him . You think that you are in love because he is different from the other guys . He is your friend , not boyfriend . You didnt even had sex with him after 4 months ... you think that you are going slow , but like you said , both of you are 30 years old , so you know that sex doesnt mean that you are getting married ... You say that he turns you off ... We dont have to date someone because they care for us , and is there when we need ... they are friends and thats it . Edited May 1, 2012 by amantis
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