When is Enough, Enough?

[Forevermore]

Okay this may end up being a bit lengthy, but I'm at my wits end now and really just need someone to tell me that I'm not crazy. I'm stuck in the worst love triangle I've ever seen, or heard of.

 

He has a 7 year old son with a woman who he was once serious with (but never married). He cheated on her with another woman, who he continued to date. Then he moved here for work. And he moved in with me. And things happened. That's when life got crazy.

 

We were just friends. We never expected things to get serious between us. But they did. All the meanwhile, he was lying to the woman he was dating, telling her he was living with his "new boss", and things like that. But he wasn't. He was sharing my bed every night, and we loved every minute of it. He told me about her from the get go. He said he expected it to die out and not last very long. I believed him. I let it go too far.

 

It took him 2 1/2 years to tell me he loved me. From that moment on, everything has been blurry. He'd go back to visit his son, and have to stay with "her"... while he was there because he and his ex can't stand to be around each other... he'd say he had no where else to stay... couldn't afford a hotel.... and I'd believe him. I'd be understanding. I'd tell him I loved him and I'd cry the whole time he was gone... and when he returned home, I'd act like nothing had happened. And I was okay.

 

It's now been nearly 4 years of us being together. But things took a very big change in November, right after Thanksgiving. We thought it was over. His son's mother flipped out insisting he HAD to move back to Arizona, because she needed his help with their son. She needed him there to watch him when she had things to do. He, having no rights to his son otherwise... decided it was what he had to do. I took him to the bus station. I put him on the bus. I said goodbye to the person who made me admit I believed in soulmates. We said our goodbyes... had our last kiss. He left.

 

I knew he was going back to her... I knew he'd pretend everything was okay and nothing had happened.... I thought I could just keep going.

 

The pain was unbearable. The very next day he started calling, emailing... telling me how he couldn't do it. How he couldn't stand to be with "her" knowing his heart was with me. How he just wanted this to be over, and come home. How he regretted ever leaving. How much he loved me.... and had never felt this way about someone ever again... and how he just wanted to sort things out with his ex and come to an agreement about the care of his son, and return home. It's been the same story, every day, since then.

 

He finally told "her" about me... says he told her everything, and told her the truth. Said he tried to break it off with her, by being honest about us... and that she "choked and slapped him repeatedly". He disappeared on me for a week... no contact. Then out of the blue, I got an email that said "I don't have time to explain... but I'm with my son, and finally away. Here's a picture of my bags."

And yet, a week later, he went right back up there.

 

In March, everything was sorted out. We made arrangements for me to fly there, spend a couple days, and we'd fly back together. But, his son's mother decided to tell him the morning we were leaving, that if he left he'd never see his child again. We got to the airport, and I could see his heart was torn. I left him at the gate, in tears.... expecting again, that it just wasn't meant to be... and it was over.

 

The next day, another email... telling me he can't do it, can't bear us being apart, and is going to hitchhike home. Of course, things never work out the way he wants them to.... but the story was nice. He knew what I wanted to hear. I got my hopes up again.

 

Long story short, since March 3rd, there have been at least ten times he was going to get on a bus and come home. The latest, being last night. And the story, is always the same. I bought him the bus ticket. I sent him the money for all his bags. ALL HE HAS TO DO IS GET ON IT. But, see, it's not that easy. He has to sneak out without "her" (the woman he was dating before me) knowing... because she will confront him, and he can't handle confrontation. He's too afraid to tell her he's coming back to me, because he keeps her as a security blanket... just "in case" he ever has to move back there.

 

He says he has faith in us. That he knows we are meant to be. So then why is it so hard for him to just do it? He's 40 years old. He's experienced life, and not exactly the smoothest one. Some days I have so much hope for us, and I know everything is going to be okay. Others, I just want to give up.

 

He was supposed to (again) get on a bus last night. Said he'd keep me posted. I never heard from him at all last night, nor today (he won't call me when "she's" around)... and it breaks my heart that it just seems so easy for him to go so long without contacting me. I haven't gotten an email, nothing. Nothing that even says "I didn't get on the bus".... the only reason I know he didn't is because I check the tracker on his phone to see where he is.. Everyone has told me to just let go... it's been 6 mos since we've been "together" minus the 2 days I was there in March. That my life should move on... but I can't. I feel like I'm not supposed to without him. I know the situation is just wrong. I know it's unfair. I know I deserve better. And he swears and promises that he wants to make everything up to me...

and yes I know he probably doesn't deserve the chance. He says he knows that too.

 

But what do I do? I have this horrible feeling that if he finally DOES leave there again, "she" will always be in the background. Waiting for him. He says that if he leaves this time, that is "definitely over" because she wants no parts of it if he leaves again. Maybe that's why he's having such a hard time? I've often wondered... maybe it's not his son he's afraid of leaving, but this other woman again.

 

I really don't know what to do. Or how to feel. Or how to quit crying. I have given this man my everything, for the last 4 years. My heart, my soul, my money, my love, my hopes, my fears... everything. But when he says over and over that he is just "ready for this all to be over, and get home".... then WHY is it so hard to get him on a bus?

 

Why does it seem like the only way I'll have him in my arms again, is if I drive 1500 miles and go get him? I already know he'd come with me. But I just feel like I shouldn't HAVE to....

 

My brain tells me it's best to just let go. My heart tells me that I'll never be the same again.

Edited April 30, 2012 by Forevermore

[BewitchedandBothered]

First off, Forevermore, ****HUGS**** to you; wish there was something magical I could say to wipe that pain away. To put it bluntly, you are/were/are his dirty little secret. Are you sure she isn't his wife? Just from his behavior alone; either she is wife or his Mother, figuratively speaking.

 

It would do you no good to stay with this man, as he won't change. He is very secretive and using his son as an excuse for having to be....elsewhere. You will do well to move on from this situation as no good can come of it unless he does a 180 and forgets about this other lady...or ladies. Just saying.

 

Kudos to you for handling it with dignity, but I would not pay for anything else; is he paying child support? I shudder to think that he can't afford a bus ticket, and his travels are on your dime. You have done too much for this fellow already and have gotten pain and tears and absentia in return. YOU. DESERVE. BETTER.

[nanbullen]

Wow, I thought I was in a toxic relationship! Sorry to be blunt, because I am in a very similar boat as you, but he’s a mess and you need to face it. You do realize he’s having sex with another woman, right? You say he keeps her around for a security blanket, are you sure you’re not the security blanket? Who’s he with right now? Who calls the shots and he jumps? She does, not you. He’s afraid to upset her, but he doesn’t seem too concerned with how you feel. He’s hiding behind his son, and using him as an excuse. My ex did the same thing to me. It was all because he loves his kids and if I dared question anything, it’s because I’m a horrible person who hated his kids. If it was about his son, he would go to court and get visitation rights. His baby’s mother demands he come to help with their child but she won’t let him stay with her? And she won’t let him see the kid otherwise?

 

I mean….his whole story just doesn’t make sense. My best friend had a bf who had similar drama (not as bad though) and he turned out to be married. I’m sorry you’re going thru this! I know you are hurting.

[Forevermore]

BewitchedandBothered: Thanks for the hugs. Definitely needed right now.

No, he doesn't pay child support. He and his son's mother were never married, and have never been to court so there has never been a court order for child support or visitation. He gives her money though (when he's working, at least) and usually that's enough to keep her happy. Yeah, I've paid for most of the plane tickets, bus tickets, etc. for him to go out there and visit the kid. He hasn't worked since October 2010 because, that's when she started demanding he HAD to move back out there. He had a wonderful job, making $32 an hour... and he loved it. But because of her needing him there for a month, he was forced to quit. Because she's needed him to watch the kid so often since, and he's been in this "limbo" between here or there, he hasn't worked since. Yeah, it's a bit disgusting.

 

nanbullen: ha! to say he's a mess is an understatement. Yes, I know he's having sex with another woman. I guess i've always told myself that since he was with her before me, I can't blame him for it. He says it doesn't happen "very often"... (she's much older.. in her late 50's). I'm 32, he's 40. You may be right, maybe I *AM* the security blanket. But honestly, he's more secure with her than he is with me. She makes tons of money, and will ALWAYS take care of him. I actually make him do things. LOL But yes, he is hiding behind his son. Yes, I know for a fact he's not married to her. I've looked that up. She's been married 3 times but her last husband committed suicide... she wants them to get married but he married a Russian when he was 19 so she could get a green card and he is still married to her (though they haven't seen each other since).

 

His son's mother will let him stay there, and he's tried that a few times.. but usually after a day or two at most, they end up at each other's throats fighting. They both know that's no good for the kid.... so he stays elsewhere. And no, she won't let him see the kid otherwise. She's told him before that the kid could come here to see him, if he didn't live with me.

 

It all sucks. I got an email last night that was basically full of bull**** excuses... I somewhat laughed it off and didn't respond. Says now that he's getting on a bus again tonight. Somehow, I'm not holding my breath. Each time, it gets a little easier....

[tears_in_rain]

Forevermore

 

You're 32. Go out and get someone who will not hurt you like this. It seems like your heart gets stomped on continuously and this guy can just jump around doing pretty much like he pleases using his kid as an excuse.

Save your tears for someone who deserves you and make them tears of joy.

[BewitchedandBothered]

and he blames the ladies in his life for why he can't stay where he 'wants' to stay, why he can't work...vote him off the island.

[Forevermore]

Bewitchedandbothered: oh yes, you're absolutely right. This is the email I got Monday regarding him getting on the bus:

 

"This **** is going to have to wait till tomorrow...

Don't leave without saying goodbye to your son...

I am just going to leave from there tomorrow.. ugh..

Unless you just want me to send your money back!

This just sucks as usual.. "

 

I haven't heard from him since. Not a single word. So obviously the "I am just going to leave from there tomorrow" was again a lie. Or just some excuse to buy more time. The fact he hasn't even bothered to pick up the phone and call, or text, or even email since then really hurts. I keep finding myself getting more and more infuriated about it all.... and I have to calm myself down. I know I need to go get someone who won't hurt me like this. Trust me, I know I do. Just so hard to convince your heart to let go of the one person it wants to be with forever....

[Forevermore]

I hadn't heard from him since the email Monday. Not an email, not a text, not a call, not a word. But obviously, he hadn't gotten on the bus.

Yesterday (thursday) I get an email mid afternoon that says:

 

"I give up. I love you. Goodbye..."

 

I let it go. I didn't even bother responding. Because I knew, come the weekend (Today, being Friday), I'd hear from him again. And of course, I was right. See weekends are easier for him to contact me because then he's with his son, or will be soon, which is when he constantly wants to talk to me and give me more false hope and crazy promises he has no intentions of keeping.

 

So this afternoon, shortly after lunch, my phone rings and I look down and my heart stopped as soon as I saw his picture pop up on the screen. Tears immediately started crying but it was almost like an involuntary reaction to pick up the phone. I knew I shouldn't... I didn't even want to. But before my brain could tell my hands "NO! DON'T DO IT!" I had already answered.

 

And yep, more promises. Now the story is that he's going to have his son's mother pick him up tomorrow, spend one last night with his son while she goes out, and have her take him to the bus station Sunday for a 5:20pm bus. Supposedly he emailed her about this plan and is awaiting her response to see "If she's okay with it".

 

Am I holding my breath? Absolutely not.

 

Is there still that little sliver of hope that just won't let me let go? Yes. And I wonder if that little piece is ever going to go away. So, here we go again. More stringing along. More waiting for 5:20pm Arizona time on Sunday to see if the locator on his phone says he's at "her" house again or at the bus station. I hate the way I feel when I realize I'm all but begging him to love me, when he swears up and down that I'd never have to beg him and he doesn't love anyone else like he loves me. And boy, isn't the world lucky for that! I'd hate to see anyone get treated the way I have been... and yet, I continue. God, I'm a lunatic. I hate it.

 

But I hate the way my heart feels when I tell it that I can't love him anymore even worse.

Edited May 4, 2012 by Forevermore

[nanbullen]

But why do you pay for him to go out there?

[windmask]

thats a really position your in it just seems your always trying to do the right thing reminds me of myself in a way i guess. its really hard to offer advice on this subject i think because you love this person and it seems his wife is using his kid to control thats horrible.

 

it really shows you that even when theres love between few others will do w.e they can to destroy it. this world really is crazy full of selfish people.

 

but forevermore you have to make a decision really i understand that you love this person but this dude will every now or then have issues with his wife because they share a son. i mean is it something you think is worth going over and over again.

 

there is a solution and that is if the guy ur in love with takes a stand and says you know what the wife is no good for him and hes commited to you only. however it seems he doesnt have the courage to do it. i can understand his position too he sounds like a person with a kind heart too but his wife sounds a bit crazy.....

 

sorry i cant offer much help but i find this issue ur in to be really a tough one......gud luck

[BewitchedandBothered]

He won't stop his douchebaggery; its' best you be the one to say "I give up, Goodbye", etc. If he's' not getting on the bus, what is he doing with all that bus money you are giving him? Stop paying his way. Where are his balls? "This just sucks as usual"===nice touch on an attempt to make you think that it sucks when he's doing fine.

[sweetheart5381]

Jeez. What an aweful thread to read. I've been the rebound a few times now, but this is brutal.

 

You need to get the hell out of this situation... it will ruin you mentally. No one is worth feeling worthless over and that is where this situation will eventually lead.

 

YOU deserve better. Being alone is much, much better than wasting time waiting for a prince that will never come to the surface.

 

Great sex is great sex, great friendship is great friendship... but he will never offer more than that to you.

 

Get out now, recover from it... find a man that can give you what you need and that you can return equally.

 

If he truly loves you he will come back and reciprocate, but you can't keep being second fiddle.. it will affect you deeply and for a very long time.

[syz]

This man is a one person drama. He will suck away your best years and even if all these women were gone you'd end up in the same situation as his 'baby momma'.

 

He is a classic cake eater. Get away from him. It will be hard but this will never work out for you. Not in a million years. He is a cheater.