HUrts_so_bad thread

[2sunny]

Finish and I mean finish - with step 4 today!!!!!!

 

And DO step 5 tomorrow and then 6&7 the next day! You will SEE clearly what YOUR roadblock is if you DO the steps with honesty!

[hurts_so_bad]

and as she is holding all the `cards`...you keep your gob shut....

 

 

You`re going to be busy that day anyway...aren`t you???

 

 

Yes absolutely! I am busy that day! I am up at my house today with my mom. She is bringing me to the court tomorrow morning. She was talking to my mom a lot and I sort of didnt pay too much attention and went up the street to see my buddy for a while to maintain distance I guess...Her and my mom are now sleeping in my bed...How weird is that! lol......

 

As time goes on it is getting easier to see her without bugging out the next day.. I feel like 40% better and am starting to accept this. I think one of the main issues that really drove me nuts is that my whole life is changing and I could not accept that. Im starting too now.

[2sunny]

Yes absolutely! I am busy that day! I am up at my house today with my mom. She is bringing me to the court tomorrow morning. She was talking to my mom a lot and I sort of didnt pay too much attention and went up the street to see my buddy for a while to maintain distance I guess...Her and my mom are now sleeping in my bed...How weird is that! lol......

 

As time goes on it is getting easier to see her without bugging out the next day.. I feel like 40% better and am starting to accept this. I think one of the main issues that really drove me nuts is that my whole life is changing and I could not accept that. Im starting too now.

 

Do your step work!!!!! YOU will find that you have patterns in the way you have participated. Patterns that should help you determine what you NEVER want to do again... Unless you intend to hold on to your old life and old behavior?... Why are you waiting on the step work - when it's a valuable tool to help YOU SEE what you never want to do again? And shows what your contrary action is going to be in order to get a new result with your new behavior.

 

Why wait? You're waiting to get happy. The steps show how you can be happy again! Do them!

[hurts_so_bad]

Well today was a good day for more than one reason! First off my mom spoke with my wife last night and she told me she still loves me but just feels she cant live with me. She also asked my mom how she thinks I feel. My mom told her well I think he still cares for you. There was alot of other convo she told me about but it doesnt really rate enough to post...Thats that!

 

Today I went to the court and the judge gave me the ok to reapply for my drivers license! I already went to the DMV got the paperwork and getting it sent out tomorrow!

 

Today was a goooooooood day!

[2sunny]

That's good to hear!

[hurts_so_bad]

That's good to hear!

 

Thanks Sunny! That it is! Thak God the judge had a heart and decided in my favor.Probation wanted me to wait another 6 months.....Its going to be some time before I get it considering all the waiting and stuff so I am probably looking at the end of the summer but hey! better then end of the year!

[hurts_so_bad]

Ego and pride....I've written before how that gets in the way of most people despite gender.

 

What you are going through Hurts is no different than what anyone else here on LS has gone through. Continuing on a better path, working towards accomplishing getting your own personal life straight first...that will make you a better person for yourself, your wife if she chooses to remain and your children. Ego or not, the choice is yours. It's not about playing games to get your wife back...it's about working on YOU.

 

So...what do you do now? (and NO..the answer is NOT how do you get your wife to love you again...the answer is within YOU!)

 

 

I just keep on the path I am on.Limbo sucks but thats the way it is now..I am back to work, The judge just approved me to get my license back, Im working out, eating right, and going to AA....Thats the best I can do.No time for anything else! lol....Just gotta try and focus on THE NOW! Its rough but thats what Ive gotta try to do in order ot to dwell on the bad crap..

[2sunny]

I just keep on the path I am on.Limbo sucks but thats the way it is now..I am back to work, The judge just approved me to get my license back, Im working out, eating right, and going to AA....Thats the best I can do.No time for anything else! lol....Just gotta try and focus on THE NOW! Its rough but thats what Ive gotta try to do in order ot to dwell on the bad crap..

 

Let me know when you finish your step work - at least through step 7 - because that's when life will completely change for you.

 

In the meantime - your happiness is based on circumstances and you getting what you want - your way.

 

When your happiness isn't based on stuff or getting your way - that's when you will have evidence that your working the AA program.

 

True happiness comes from WITHIN - but you keep avoiding looking within. You would easily find your answers to your problems if you would simply do your steps - quickly!

 

You keep avoiding doing the real work that could easily change your life for the better - and it's free! You DO have time. Every night you have time to do it.

 

It will teach you how to get rid of worrying so much about your ego. It also would target where you keep handing over your power to your wife, the judge etc.

Edited May 22, 2012 by 2sunny

[hurts_so_bad]

Hey sunny......I understand what u r trying to do as to push me to finish the steps but i want to take my time and make sure I do them right. Now as far as turning my will over to god and asking him to remove my shortcomings. How is this going to remove my confusion? I have been praying every night for the same thing and still feel hurt and confused. That's the reason for my inconsistancies. One day I feel I drove my wife crazy for so many years oand had a large roll in this. The next day I feel its just a bulls**t excuse for why she cheated and I shouldn't want her back that I'm a fool and being played for one. One day I feel I should be nice cause that's the right thing to do. The next day I feel like being a pri*k cause nice guys finish last. Bottom line is, I dont know how to act....I am seriously confused! feel like I don't know who I am or what I believe.in anymore! Ie god gonna help.me with that?

[hurts_so_bad]

One day I feel like telling her how sorry I am for all the years of bs I put her threw and I don't blame her for wanting a seperation and wanting to find someone else. The next day I feel like telling her to go f**k herself cause I believe she is just doing this cause she wants to meet and be with other men and party with her friends....is this a normal way to think? I wouldn't think so and thats why I am not consistant with my actions.

[2sunny]

That's why it's good to DO the steps now. It will take the confusion away.

 

You can't do them wrong as long as you are honest.

 

It will show how you participated with a pattern - you will use that pattern to identify what caused things to become unmanageable! Then you never DO things that way again - in act, you work on contrary action and good balance from there forward. This "knowing what WE did wrong" causes an awareness that makes contrary action easy - because new behaviors helps to get a new result.

 

As far as. Harachter defects - I target what MINE look like (ego driven) and then I made an agreement to DO opposite of MY character defects.you do yours. Then you can understand when you are operating on a character defect. When you know that you are - you can CHOOSE to operate opposite of that character defect. Such as:

 

Selfish- when I am being selfish or thinking of myself (ego) - I can look to my NEW operating method (opposite of that character defect - I can choose to think of others by being a giver. I use this in good balance - not to the point where I ALLOW others to be mean to me - I still wish to honor myself as well as honoring others.this goes with me everywhere - especially complete strangers. I want to affect the world in a positive way with my interactions and actions. Even my thoughts - I send people positive thoughts.

 

My will and my life is my thoughts and my actions. Are YOU doing thoughts and actions for YOU or for OTHERS? When it's Gods will - you won't need to concern yourself with IF it's about YOU anymore - it's really only about others! Are you doing thoughts and actions for others only? God takes care of you when you are doing good things for others. No need to worry! This is when amazing miracles begin to pop up out of the blue - its no mistake! Gods world is perfect! As long as you're not worrying and planning and plotting for YOU. It's about OTHERS!

 

Since you haven't yet nitpicked about YOUR character defects - you don't know exactly what they look like. There's great reason to target them and DO opposite of what they look like - the world begins to change right along with your new perspective.

 

Feeling sorry for yourself is a character defect. So is anger. When the anger is gone - you will know you are changing and trusting gods will.

 

If things are a battle - that's NOT gods will - that's YOU trying to get YOUR way. Resistance is God trying to let you know it's not supposed to be this way - so to cease fighting (surrender) is always key. We aren't meant to struggle... That's our will.

 

These are all things YOU would find out IF you would hurry up and DO your steps! You can't DO IT wrong! It's designed to keep doing it over and over as you learn and grow! So it just becomes second nature for me to review "how I am participating" when I feel angry! I have to ask myself "who/what am I angry at? Why am I handing over all my power to that person or thing? What does good balance look like - especially when I am out of balance...

 

No reason to delay - you only delay being the best you YOU can possibly be!

 

I don't know why you'd wait!

 

Don't worry about doing it perfectly - you can do more again if/when you realize you need to get rid of more anger.

 

The more you trust Gods way - the more you won't struggle with all these things you keep asking - the anger, the things that are out of balance. It just comes perfectly and you just KNOW - when you are growing enough to do these steps.

[hurts_so_bad]

Well the way I look at it is its more a frame of mind than anything else. U gotta keep that frame of mind which isn't easy!

[2sunny]

Well the way I look at it is its more a frame of mind than anything else. U gotta keep that frame of mind which isn't easy!

 

Nope. It's waaaay bigger than that! But you won't know until you do it.

 

It's like... Being in the dark - how do you know until you step into the sunlight?

 

You can't possibly know how good and easy it is until you do it.everything changes if you do it honestly... Even YOU. You can become the best YOU you can be!

 

The resistance is what you need to address... Why continue when it's such a battle? You can be at peace 24/7 - yet you are waiting... That's just crazy to me.

 

It really is the easier way to LIVE again!

[hurts_so_bad]

 

 

 

 

I know how old you are. So, when you reply things like that , it does make me think.

 

 

 

Keep up with the aa ( i know the story from the 1st thread , and personally...i don`t think you need it from what you said before, but ...hey ho )

 

 

And just because she said that to your mum, thats not a ticket to go `all in` with her.....understand?

 

 

I`ll like to put ..`keep thinking of you`...but you haven`t done that since day 1 ( not a go at you , it`s the truth, ( cool and calm just go out the window )))

 

So Hurts... My question to you is...

 

How are you going to move forward? Whatcha gonna do???

 

 

Coops you lost me here? not exactly sure what you mean....As for your second post, Yes I do believe i god and pray every night for things to et better..Things are getting better little by little but maybe not in the order I want them too!

[2sunny]

Got to ask this too.... do you `believe` in `God`

 

Or you just going through a.a cos thats the first thing that come along ??

 

There are a lot of other alcohol support groups out there that DON`T shove `religion` in your face you know???

 

AA allows each persons OWN concept of GOD.

 

Organized religion doesn't.

 

Big difference!

 

Choose what works for you!

[hinatticus]

Hey hurts. You seem to be trudging through some mud.

 

Here's my advice.

I agree with what sunny is saying but I'll put a spin on it cuz I don't believe in god. I'm a science guy. With that being said its clear YOU need to change your behavior right? I had to change mine as well. When YOU change people have NO choice but to react differently.

 

I have an analogy I like to use to keep me on track. It's like learning how to drive stick for the first time. You can tell someone how to do it but YOU need to do it for yourself, visualizing also helps(dream about it even). Anyway your old behaviors(driving automatic) are built into your subconscious right now. You need to get new behaviors(driving stick) into your subconscious. People drive stick without consciously thinking about the steps(pushing clutch, switching gears, finding friction point etc). Here's the science part. All your learned behaviors up until now were conscious then ingrained into your subconscious, creating NEW neural pathways. The trick is to create these new paths! It's been proven scientifically that the new neural pathways take about 21-30 days to become automatic(subconscious). Learning to drive stick for the first time requires consciousness then after awhile the new pathways form and your brain can subconsciously drive stick with out consciously thinking. It becomes automatic!

 

But first you need to come up with new behaviors to learn and stick with it until it becomes second nature. Before you know it you'll be a new man. Believe me it works. My ex used to explode on me, I'd let my defense mechanisms kick in and we'd end up arguing(counterproductive to my end goal). I learned better communication skills. Now when she explodes I can defuse the situation and she becomes calm and I come out unscathed.

 

So... Come up with a list of changes(better communication, diverting anger to a positive, acceptance, not worrying, becoming humble etc). Practice those new behaviors on everybody you meet(more practice the better) and soon enough you WILL be a different man and your ex will have no choice but to react differently towards you. It obviously helps if your partner learns new skills(I gave my ex some books and she's actually reading them!), but you can only change yourself.

 

Good luck man. Hope I didn't lose you in my analogy!

[hurts_so_bad]

Hey hurts. You seem to be trudging through some mud.

 

Here's my advice.

I agree with what sunny is saying but I'll put a spin on it cuz I don't believe in god. I'm a science guy. With that being said its clear YOU need to change your behavior right? I had to change mine as well. When YOU change people have NO choice but to react differently.

 

I have an analogy I like to use to keep me on track. It's like learning how to drive stick for the first time. You can tell someone how to do it but YOU need to do it for yourself, visualizing also helps(dream about it even). Anyway your old behaviors(driving automatic) are built into your subconscious right now. You need to get new behaviors(driving stick) into your subconscious. People drive stick without consciously thinking about the steps(pushing clutch, switching gears, finding friction point etc). Here's the science part. All your learned behaviors up until now were conscious then ingrained into your subconscious, creating NEW neural pathways. The trick is to create these new paths! It's been proven scientifically that the new neural pathways take about 21-30 days to become automatic(subconscious). Learning to drive stick for the first time requires consciousness then after awhile the new pathways form and your brain can subconsciously drive stick with out consciously thinking. It becomes automatic!

 

But first you need to come up with new behaviors to learn and stick with it until it becomes second nature. Before you know it you'll be a new man. Believe me it works. My ex used to explode on me, I'd let my defense mechanisms kick in and we'd end up arguing(counterproductive to my end goal). I learned better communication skills. Now when she explodes I can defuse the situation and she becomes calm and I come out unscathed.

 

So... Come up with a list of changes(better communication, diverting anger to a positive, acceptance, not worrying, becoming humble etc). Practice those new behaviors on everybody you meet(more practice the better) and soon enough you WILL be a different man and your ex will have no choice but to react differently towards you. It obviously helps if your partner learns new skills(I gave my ex some books and she's actually reading them!), but you can only change yourself.

 

Good luck man. Hope I didn't lose you in my analogy!

 

I hear ya and completely uderstand what you mean. I can do all of that and have in alot of ways..One of the last times I seen her she had something to say about my mom I didt like. I turned to her and said. This has othig to do with my om so lets keep her out of it. Nice and calm..Its the mind f**k thats my problem now. I question everything I do, everything I think.Is it right to think this way? Or that way? about the issues I am going threw. Maybe its normal? I am trying to see things in her perspective and understand, But there is a part of me that says, F**k that! this shouldnt have happened the way it did and with all the thoughts running in my head I dont know what is the right way to think or the wrong way. Like I said, Maybe the confusion is normal but it s**ks if it is!

[hurts_so_bad]

coops lets not go threw this again huh? lets remain friends on this link, what do you say? what are you telling me? whats your advice? I should just stay away from her as much as I can? go see the kids and take them out myself without her? work on me and only me and forget about what she is doing? If so let me know..If not tell me what your advice is....

 

I am just posting regarding how I feel with hopes there is input to make me get over whats on my brain! I feel like I am not thinking straight at times and just asking if its normal or what to do about it with some direction. I know Im not nuts! Just confused and dont know what to believe in my head. Is she wrong? was I wrong? Is she BS'n me? did she BS my mom the other day to sugar coat whats really going on? etc..I know I have to think of me only! You guys said it 1000 times...I get it but its rough...When i have a rough day I post. It makes me feel better.

[hinatticus]

I get what you're saying about the mind f*ck and posting when you're down. I try to ignore my exs fb posts. I freakin hate fb. As I said earlier the less you spend on thinking about the mind f*cking, the less it enters your mind. She can't play games with you if you're not playing. On the flip side, if you are a decent human, she will eventually become one too! Unless she's a psycho. In which case you run!

[trippi1432]

Well, lots going on here to say the least. I have to say, I like Hinatticus's analogy...it's like learning to drive the car a different way to say the least, but only you can learn how to do it by trial and error...doing it yourself.

 

Sure, there are going to be all sorts of emotions going on within you right now Hurts...that's par for the course when change happens. The only forward is to move through......it's normal no matter if you are the one that left or the one left. My exH left and took right up with a woman who had his ear and was influencing him for her own reasons...but he still went through the emotional roller coaster between a 15 year history and a new relationship (one that still has all the issues he and I had). When he gave me the "I Love you but I'm not in love with you" speech, he also told me that if I had thrown him out of the house and made him go to AA, we might have lasted because he would have had to change. I knew that wouldn't have worked.....even today, he still has the same issues, he would have just run from his own issues no matter what I had done.

 

What would have made me proud of him and what would have earned my respect in him? If he had done the steps and worked on the issues in our marriage and his own personal issues, the ones that fell on deaf ears for more than 10 years.

 

Getting respect is facing your demons....it's working towards doing better for yourself so you are better for others in your life. I know that I could respect my exH if he would work on his issues with alcohol and gambling, even now that we are divorced and have moved on with our lives.

 

Does she care...simply yes, you are the father of her children. Is she just as confused...most likely. Do you need to continue working on your AA and make a better you for yourself? Yes....for you. No matter how it turns out or what happens in the future, you have nothing to lose.

[hurts_so_bad]

Well, lots going on here to say the least. I have to say, I like Hinatticus's analogy...it's like learning to drive the car a different way to say the least, but only you can learn how to do it by trial and error...doing it yourself.

 

Sure, there are going to be all sorts of emotions going on within you right now Hurts...that's par for the course when change happens. The only forward is to move through......it's normal no matter if you are the one that left or the one left. My exH left and took right up with a woman who had his ear and was influencing him for her own reasons...but he still went through the emotional roller coaster between a 15 year history and a new relationship (one that still has all the issues he and I had). When he gave me the "I Love you but I'm not in love with you" speech, he also told me that if I had thrown him out of the house and made him go to AA, we might have lasted because he would have had to change. I knew that wouldn't have worked.....even today, he still has the same issues, he would have just run from his own issues no matter what I had done.

 

What would have made me proud of him and what would have earned my respect in him? If he had done the steps and worked on the issues in our marriage and his own personal issues, the ones that fell on deaf ears for more than 10 years.

 

Getting respect is facing your demons....it's working towards doing better for yourself so you are better for others in your life. I know that I could respect my exH if he would work on his issues with alcohol and gambling, even now that we are divorced and have moved on with our lives.

 

Does she care...simply yes, you are the father of her children. Is she just as confused...most likely. Do you need to continue working on your AA and make a better you for yourself? Yes....for you. No matter how it turns out or what happens in the future, you have nothing to lose.

. Thanks trippi! It's always a pleasure to hear from u! I know u don't sugar coat thongs but also don't get to critical and that always makes me feel good! Thought I was going nuts yesterday but like u said, its.par for the course. Lots of emotions still running around but the truth is we both f**led up in our own way. I feel much better today with speaking to my sponsor and the gym my confidence is high and I am looking great! If I can keep this attitude I will be the guy I was years ago...confident and a bit cocky.......but one never k.ows what tomorrow will bring!

[2sunny]

Do the steps!

 

Read specifically pages 84-88 - those are pages and instruction about how to DO today only. Tell you what to do and what not to do. It says specifically in step 11 not to pray for yourself... Only IF you can help someone ELSE.

 

If its all about YOU - that is backwards. That means you're not trusting Gods plan - your still trying to get your way ( self will).

 

In step 10 it states not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection for that would diminish our usefulness to others. And also - to start helping others if/ when we are thinking too much about our self.

 

Much more info on those few pages only.

 

See? So your instructions are there. Read and DO what it says.

 

Getting done with step 4&5 would show you what your pattern is that lead to all this destruction - you need that pattern so you understand what you're never going to do again. Then you can start your contrary action to get a different result ( change).

 

But you must do the work. It gives you info from which to work = that can change everything!

 

Why delay getting better at living life?

[hurts_so_bad]

Do the steps!

 

Read specifically pages 84-88 - those are pages and instruction about how to DO today only. Tell you what to do and what not to do. It says specifically in step 11 not to pray for yourself... Only IF you can help someone ELSE.

 

If its all about YOU - that is backwards. That means you're not trusting Gods plan - your still trying to get your way ( self will).

 

In step 10 it states not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection for that would diminish our usefulness to others. And also - to start helping others if/ when we are thinking too much about our self.

 

Much more info on those few pages only.

 

See? So your instructions are there. Read and DO what it says.

 

Getting done with step 4&5 would show you what your pattern is that lead to all this destruction - you need that pattern so you understand what you're never going to do again. Then you can start your contrary action to get a different result ( change).

 

But you must do the work. It gives you info from which to work = that can change everything!

 

Why delay getting better at living life?

. I hear ya sunny. I'm not delaying. It's just that at this point I have so much going on its.incredible! Between being back to work, meetings and the gym my time is vey limited cause I have to.get up for work at 5:15 am so I try and get to sleep by 11 at the latest. Does make sense to pray for others instead of self will.....I do pray for things to change but I also have a list I give that's for and I do pray for others. So guess I just gotta stop praying for myself. Thanks! That was insightful....

[2sunny]

Being cocky is a character defect.

 

The steps are designed to smash the ego. Brings balance for YOU to practice tolerance and compassion at a balanced level.

[2sunny]

. I hear ya sunny. I'm not delaying. It's just that at this point I have so much going on its.incredible! Between being back to work, meetings and the gym my time is vey limited cause I have to.get up for work at 5:15 am so I try and get to sleep by 11 at the latest. Does make sense to pray for others instead of self will.....I do pray for things to change but I also have a list I give that's for and I do pray for others. So guess I just gotta stop praying for myself. Thanks! That was insightful....

 

Get through steps 4&5 like your life depends on it!

 

You have time - if you MAKE time! 30 minutes EVERY day adds up. I have sponsored CEO's and COO's that ravel all over the world and have BUSY lives - they MAKE time!!! YOU can too!!!