Gulf-Delta Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 OMG, just when I was telling myself, all the people here can't be wrong. They have perspective, and I need to listen to their advice and face reality. Now you have me completely turned around again. This is what I have been thinking, exactly. I believe this is the person that was MEANT FOR ME. But does everybody think that after a breakup? I know I've never felt this way after any other breakup or even when I divorced my baby's dad. But maybe I've worn myself down reading LS, I just feel like I've been a fool. I know that nobody else knows what kind of bond we have. And I believe that I contributed to this break-up, and it wasn't all his fault. So that makes it hard to be mad at the way he treated me.I treated him badly too. All I know is I haven't heard from him in almost a week and I can't contact him under any circumstances. That's the situation in front of me. I don't know what the future holds,maybe we're meant to be together, but I have to learn to live with the fact that he's not a part of my life now. And this hope is holding me back from doing that. Wait, I'm confused....you're saying I was wrong or are you agreeing with me? Can't really tell...
Mindfr3ak Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 Wait, I'm confused....you're saying I was wrong or are you agreeing with me? Can't really tell... I didnt understand her either,but i think she's agreeing with you.Im not agreeing since your situations are totally different,she has an ex that uses her as a rug,and you on the other hand dont have an abusive and terrible ex.
Alexandria23 Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 To nan. I'm actually in the same boat right now. I went two weeks NC then my ex sent my brother a message saying look out for your sister don't let her date any douche bags she's a good girl. Then we met up and talked but I realized after that I was just a fallback girl for him. I think that once you kind of validate how you are feeling when they talk to you which often times you end up feeling worse you really have to consider is this worth my sadness and dignity? I literally just saw my ex on Thursday then I haven't heard from him since Friday which says to me that he just used me for what he needed said all the empty things that he said so he could and then basically shut himself off to me. No contact is definitely the best solution though regardless of whether they contact or not because I think it's going to bring me closer to realizing the relationship really wasn't that great anyway and if he is such a great guy why all the head games that he supposedly never plays? I don't know I felt yesterday I was back to square one but I think that now I realize that it's over for me for the fact I know there will eventually be someone that will love me the way I want to be loved. In the meantime, I have just been trying to fill my time with friends, work and exercise and reading up on relationships so that I can see just how classic all the moves are that are being pulled right now on both my end and my exes end. Fact is, if they really wanted to be with us they would do why should we wait around for some person who doesn't even want to put in the effort. In the end it's you and I that are going to hurt not them. Sucks to face the truth but way better off that we will be. I, like you, don't understand why he won't give me a final answer but I guess Ive created my own closure after the events that just happened to me. In my case he's never going to know or at least not tell me because he wants to know that I'm still there available and open if he gets rejected or burned by someone. I think both you and I don't want to be an option because it will never be on our terms. EVER! They are obviously too self absorbed to even see how their actions and words are effecting is.
Gulf-Delta Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 (edited) I didnt understand her either,but i think she's agreeing with you.Im not agreeing since your situations are totally different,she has an ex that uses her as a rug,and you on the other hand dont have an abusive and terrible ex. Aye, I don't really know nan's full situation... But you are right. I hold hope for my ex because she's always respected my wishes now. Even if she doesn't want me romantically, she still supprts me and encourages me, my career, decisions, etc. When I told her we needed time apart before we can be friends, she's respected that, and has stayed away. No breadcrumbs, no doormat, etc. However if she was abusive or we ended badly, I wouldn't want her back at all. If the ex was an emotional terrorist, you shouldn't want them back. Having said that, I get the pain, and nan has to work trough it however she sees necessary. Edited May 1, 2012 by Gulf-Delta
Author nanbullen Posted May 1, 2012 Author Posted May 1, 2012 Wait, I'm confused....you're saying I was wrong or are you agreeing with me? Can't really tell... I'm agreeing with you. That's how I feel too, but maybe i'm just telling myself that, because that's what I want to believe. My ex used me, i'm willing to accept that. But I wouldn't go so far as to say he was abusive, he never hit me or anything like that, he didn't yell at me or threaten me. The only way I guess you could say he was abusive is after 4-5 months of me texting him like crazy and calling and always needing reassurance and being insecure, he got to a point where he didn't want to talk to me anymore. Because every time he called I would be upset with him for some stupid reason, like he didn't say I love you or whatever. So he started calling me less, and that made me more insecure, so I needed reassurance and I started calling him more. If he didn't answer or call back right away, I would get psycho and start calling over and over, and texting him like 20 texts in a row, usually more, way more. (Yes, I'm very ashamed of how I acted). So the more psychotic I got, the more he avoided me. It was a vicious cycle. Finally, he had enough. I think he needs time apart before he can try to work things out. IF he wants to work things out at all. It sounds like you and your ex have a much better chance of getting back together than me and my ex
Gulf-Delta Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 I'm agreeing with you. That's how I feel too, but maybe i'm just telling myself that, because that's what I want to believe. My ex used me, i'm willing to accept that. But I wouldn't go so far as to say he was abusive, he never hit me or anything like that, he didn't yell at me or threaten me. The only way I guess you could say he was abusive is after 4-5 months of me texting him like crazy and calling and always needing reassurance and being insecure, he got to a point where he didn't want to talk to me anymore. Because every time he called I would be upset with him for some stupid reason, like he didn't say I love you or whatever. So he started calling me less, and that made me more insecure, so I needed reassurance and I started calling him more. If he didn't answer or call back right away, I would get psycho and start calling over and over, and texting him like 20 texts in a row, usually more, way more. (Yes, I'm very ashamed of how I acted). So the more psychotic I got, the more he avoided me. It was a vicious cycle. Finally, he had enough. I think he needs time apart before he can try to work things out. IF he wants to work things out at all. It sounds like you and your ex have a much better chance of getting back together than me and my ex We all do childish things when a breakup begins. I'm guilty of it too. Maybe admitting/realizing it is part of the healing/maturing process. In fact, when I did text my ex last week (I think) to remind her to pay her car insurance, we talked about her school, my job, and I outright apologized for being such a child and putting her in the position I put her in (guilt, mind games, etc). She said "it's ok, I understand" As for us getting back together, I thank you for the kind words, but I tihnk she's dating someone else now, and while I know I am 1000 better to her than even her own family, I'm not entirely sure she'll ever realize it :/
Author nanbullen Posted May 1, 2012 Author Posted May 1, 2012 Fact is, if they really wanted to be with us they would do why should we wait around for some person who doesn't even want to put in the effort. In the end it's you and I that are going to hurt not them. Sucks to face the truth but way better off that we will be. I, like you, don't understand why he won't give me a final answer but I guess Ive created my own closure after the events that just happened to me. In my case he's never going to know or at least not tell me because he wants to know that I'm still there available and open if he gets rejected or burned by someone. I think both you and I don't want to be an option because it will never be on our terms. EVER! They are obviously too self absorbed to even see how their actions and words are effecting is. In my more sane moments, I tell myself that too. The bottom line is how could I take him back now, when I have zero trust in him? I am miserable, and HE made me feel this way. Like you, I know I will never get closure, even if I call him and ask him straight up. That's why I'm in this limbo now...of not knowing if we're together or not. He likes to know that i'm out there, ready to drop everything for him. That's why he would never give me a straight answer when we talked on Thursday. I have been his security blanket, and he needs me there in case he's lonely, or between relationships. Whether It's a week, a month, a decade, I know he will turn up and try to infect my life as long as I LET him. I HATE the idea that he thinks he can control me like that. I need to stop sulking, and take some power back.
Mindfr3ak Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 Listen guys,the conclusion is that we ALL got to accept the things they are now!Even if it hurts like hell,just accept it,and one day you'll get up and feel good about yourself!It is the only right answer,all the others are illusions. And to you nan,if i were on your place,i wouldnt even think twice about dumping that creep.He abused you emotionally,used you like some sort of a rug and you absolutely cannot go on like that anymore!Clear? He is more of an enemy to you now than someone special.And if you dont believe me,well let me explain it then.A person that loves you and respects you as a living being will never ever use you or make you feel like some sort of trash.That is a fact!And your soon to be ex(i really hope so for your own sake) doesnt even bother to care about you,to think about your feelings,but on top of that he uses you and abuses you emotionally!I hope you make the right decision and cut it in the roots.
Author nanbullen Posted May 1, 2012 Author Posted May 1, 2012 As for us getting back together, I thank you for the kind words, but I tihnk she's dating someone else now, and while I know I am 1000 better to her than even her own family, I'm not entirely sure she'll ever realize it :/ My ex and I got back together after 10 years. During that time we both dated and married other people. But, I always had this feeling that he was different from any other man, and that feeling never went away. I just knew we were meant for each other. So don't get discouraged, because you never know what the future holds. if it's meant to be none of these other people you or her date will mean anything. But, you do have to live your life in the meantime like she's not coming back!
Gulf-Delta Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 (edited) My ex and I got back together after 10 years. During that time we both dated and married other people. But, I always had this feeling that he was different from any other man, and that feeling never went away. I just knew we were meant for each other. So don't get discouraged, because you never know what the future holds. if it's meant to be none of these other people you or her date will mean anything. But, you do have to live your life in the meantime like she's not coming back! I agree. I know she probably has feelings for me, but she's a runner. She runs from negativity and uncomfortable situations...and I think she's using this new guy and her new life to run like hell from me. She knows she's hurt me, and probably thinks I harbor some resentment for her, so she's avoiding me. She's throwing herself into a new life to avoid the feelings she has for me. I just hope she remembers what I've done for her. I did some pretty big things when I met her that are not things that are easily forgotten. Big, life changing things. And I know I'm gonna get a ****-ton of people saying I'm in denial....but I know how she is. I've had to talk her through so many situations of her running. I was there, they weren't. She's fragile and immature, and the way she's behaving now is obviously a coping mechanism for the hurt. She left because she wanted to "have fun". But after she realized (realizes) she still had feelings for me, and knows those feelings will interefere with her "fun", she's thrown herself into it full-force. And I suppose in some ways, she's probably NC-ing me. I know I could play the game, do the chase, and win her again....but not now. Wounds are too fresh. Lots more time needs to pass and there's the possibility that once that time passes, I may not want her back. Edited May 1, 2012 by Gulf-Delta
Author nanbullen Posted May 1, 2012 Author Posted May 1, 2012 I agree. I know she probably has feelings for me, but she's a runner. She runs from negativity and uncomfortable situations...and I think she's using this new guy and her new life to run like hell from me. She knows she's hurt me, and probably thinks I harbor some resentment for her, so she's avoiding me. She's throwing herself into a new life to avoid the feelings she has for me. I just hope she remembers what I've done for her. I did some pretty big things when I met her that are not things that are easily forgotten. Big, life changing things. I know exactly how you feel. My ex is a runner as well. Only I think of it more as he has commitment issues and that makes him emotionally unavailable. He’s been a runner in all his past relationships, just like your exgf. I think he loves me, but he’s scared. Also, he feels guilty and pressured (by me), and that feeds his fear of commitment. I have stood by him through some really bad times, when he was a complete wreck, and he knows it. I think, I was so supportive, and I did so much for him….he knows how much I love him and that I would do anything for him and stay with him no matter what. That’s why he keeps coming back to me. He’ll remember that and always come back to me because he knows I really love him. From what you wrote, Gulf-Delta, I think you feel this way as well. But maybe my ex sees all I’ve done, and instead of thinking how great I am for accepting him no matter what….he sees there are no boundaries he can cross that will be bad enough for me to leave. I think maybe I have been too supportive, and now he knows he can just use me whenever he needs, throw me away when he’s done, and I’ll still be waiting for him whenever he needs me again, no matter what he's done. Maybe that's why he keeps getting so mad at me for being "insecure". For the first time EVER in our relationship I was holding him accountable for the things he's done in the past to cause this insecurity. He feels guilty/angry and so he ran. And I know I'm gonna get a ****-ton of people saying I'm in denial....but I know how she is. I've had to talk her through so many situations of her running. I was there, they weren't. She's fragile and immature, and the way she's behaving now is obviously a coping mechanism for the hurt. She left because she wanted to "have fun". But after she realized (realizes) she still had feelings for me, and knows those feelings will interefere with her "fun", she's thrown herself into it full-force. And I suppose in some ways, she's probably NC-ing me. This is where i am so mixed up. I'm like you. I KNOW him. I am going to be 38 years old this summer. He 's not my first love or my only love. I have been with men who said they loved me, but I could tell they didn't. I CAN'T believe I was so wrong about how he felt about me. But, like you, I have a ****-ton of people telling me he used me and that I am in denial. And at first I thought, well they're just getting one side of the story. And they want to be supportive,..... so he comes out the bad guy, and I am the innocent victim. I'm saying...I would call him 9 times in a row, then send him texts ALL DAY LONG begging, pleading, threatening, crying, etc....just sounding like a complete basket case. (One day when I can laugh about it.....I will post some of them. They are SO pathetic!!!) See? Maybe he does love me but he's so worn out that he's given up. So I am torn, On one hand I believe he loves me and he will call me any day, as soon as he cools off AND he feels I had enough time to figure out what my problem. On the other hand, I think so many people can't ALL be wrong. I can see how the way he's treated can be looked at as him using me. And I need to accept it's over. So, I'm saying....I am so confused that I don't know which way is up.
Gulf-Delta Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 (edited) I know exactly how you feel. My ex is a runner as well. Only I think of it more as he has commitment issues and that makes him emotionally unavailable. He’s been a runner in all his past relationships, just like your exgf. I think he loves me, but he’s scared. Also, he feels guilty and pressured (by me), and that feeds his fear of commitment. I have stood by him through some really bad times, when he was a complete wreck, and he knows it. I think, I was so supportive, and I did so much for him….he knows how much I love him and that I would do anything for him and stay with him no matter what. That’s why he keeps coming back to me. He’ll remember that and always come back to me because he knows I really love him. From what you wrote, Gulf-Delta, I think you feel this way as well. But maybe my ex sees all I’ve done, and instead of thinking how great I am for accepting him no matter what….he sees there are no boundaries he can cross that will be bad enough for me to leave. I think maybe I have been too supportive, and now he knows he can just use me whenever he needs, throw me away when he’s done, and I’ll still be waiting for him whenever he needs me again, no matter what he's done. Maybe that's why he keeps getting so mad at me for being "insecure". For the first time EVER in our relationship I was holding him accountable for the things he's done in the past to cause this insecurity. He feels guilty/angry and so he ran. We do feel similar. I do have a feeling she'll come back someday, but most of the time, like today, I feel like she won't simply because she's immersing herself so much in her new life. Whether she's doing that to avoid thinking about me, or doing it because it's what she's looking for in life, I don't know. Your case is somewhat different than mine, it seems. I was never used or anything like that. We had a great relationship, and even our breakup, while a hurricane of sadness and depression, was never a fight or anything. She did string me along a little bit when we first split, but I can tell by her body language and voice that she legitimately wanted it. One day, after we were broken up, but still hanging out, she came over and slept in my bed. She let me cuddle her and stuff, but then, out of nowhere, she flipped a switch and she left. It's for these reasons I'm holding onto hope. Because some of her behavior indicates that she was just as conflicted as I was. I don't know if she's still conflicted, as I haven't talked to her in 11 days and haven't even seen her face in 17. But I'm holding onto this hope she'll wake the hell up, but if she keeps running and digging herself deeper and deeper into this lifestyle, I'm afraid she'll be gone forever. But then I'm back to my other mindset of all the coincidences that pointed to "fate" or "God" or "something" bringing us together....and that's hard for me to say because prior to meeting her, I NEVER believed in any of that stuff. At this point, she never talks, never calls, never texts. I don't know if this is because she doesn't want to, or because I told her I don't wanna talk for a while. But my mother says "If she wanted to talk to you, she'd call no matter what you told her" This is where i am so mixed up. I'm like you. I KNOW him. I am going to be 38 years old this summer. He 's not my first love or my only love. I have been with men who said they loved me, but I could tell they didn't. I CAN'T believe I was so wrong about how he felt about me. But, like you, I have a ****-ton of people telling me he used me and that I am in denial. And at first I thought, well they're just getting one side of the story. And they want to be supportive,..... so he comes out the bad guy, and I am the innocent victim. I'm saying...I would call him 9 times in a row, then send him texts ALL DAY LONG begging, pleading, threatening, crying, etc....just sounding like a complete basket case. (One day when I can laugh about it.....I will post some of them. They are SO pathetic!!!) See? Maybe he does love me but he's so worn out that he's given up. So I am torn, On one hand I believe he loves me and he will call me any day, as soon as he cools off AND he feels I had enough time to figure out what my problem. On the other hand, I think so many people can't ALL be wrong. I can see how the way he's treated can be looked at as him using me. And I need to accept it's over. So, I'm saying....I am so confused that I don't know which way is up. In the way we're hoping and holding on we're very similar I suppose. I'm just as confused as you are, I'm sure. Whether or not our hope is justified or will come true? Who the hell can really say? And that's what gets me...I'm always been an impatient kind of guy who needs answers right away. If I can't figure something out, I look it up, and get my answer. With this relationship/breaking up business, there is no book. There is no answers and I think that's why I hate it so much. I never feel better. Been NC for 11 days, and nothing has changed. I feel like crap. Still think about her every day, dream about her at night...sometimes I even expect to "feel" her next to me when I wake. And the urge to text or call is harder to resist everyday. Edited May 1, 2012 by Gulf-Delta
Author nanbullen Posted May 1, 2012 Author Posted May 1, 2012 I never feel better. Been NC for 11 days, and nothing has changed. I feel like crap. Still think about her every day, dream about her at night...sometimes I even expect to "feel" her next to me when I wake. And the urge to text or call is harder to resist everyday. I thought it would be easier to not call him after the first few days, but the urge gets stronger every day. I want to contact him so badly, i have to fight the urge all day long. Sometimes, I get this horrible anxious, panicky feeling, like I have to call him right away. He'll fall in love with somebody else, and I need to stop him, I need to convince him. The only thing that stops me is he'll tell me he already has fallen in love and it's too late. I know what it's like to be in a new relationship that is fresh and exciting and all-consuming....and then have an ex call me. Compared to this new romance, the ex looks even MORE pathetic. The last thing I want to do is talk to the ex, all I feel for them is pity and try to get off the phone as soon as possible. I am not prepared to hear an answer I don't like, so that's the dysfunctional reason why i haven't called him. I'm pathetic. I need to pull myself together and start reminding myself of the bad things he did, and remember I have no choice. I need to stop wallowing in my misery and magical thinking.
Gulf-Delta Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 (edited) I thought it would be easier to not call him after the first few days, but the urge gets stronger every day. I want to contact him so badly, i have to fight the urge all day long. Sometimes, I get this horrible anxious, panicky feeling, like I have to call him right away. He'll fall in love with somebody else, and I need to stop him, I need to convince him. The only thing that stops me is he'll tell me he already has fallen in love and it's too late. I know what it's like to be in a new relationship that is fresh and exciting and all-consuming....and then have an ex call me. Compared to this new romance, the ex looks even MORE pathetic. The last thing I want to do is talk to the ex, all I feel for them is pity and try to get off the phone as soon as possible. I am not prepared to hear an answer I don't like, so that's the dysfunctional reason why i haven't called him. I'm pathetic. I need to pull myself together and start reminding myself of the bad things he did, and remember I have no choice. I need to stop wallowing in my misery and magical thinking. I'm the same way. In reality, all I'd like more is to start over with my ex, and just go back to being friends like we were before we were together. But every scenario I think about, every idea, ends in her running. I can't force her to be my friend. I'm mostly scared because I never what her to forget who she is, ya know. Regardless of if she's with me, or not, I don't want her to throw away her life for some GiGs phase. She's an incredible artist and writer, and is incredibly sweet. She's REALLY smart too. She's a Kindergarten/First Grade teacher/intern. These are the reasons I fell for her. Whether she is dating me or not, I never want her to let her talents go to waste. I don't want her to dig herself into a hole and lose who she is...she deserves a good life because she's never done anything bad to anyone (on purpose). I don't want her to settle for this ****ty, average life she's choosing. When I went NC, I told her to never, ever forget who she is. And I hope she remembers. Thing is, I was the one who was her support and encouragement. I encouraged her to go to school when she couldn't. I encouraged her to do a lot of things she was too weak to do on her own. Because no one else thought she was good enough, and neither did she. I just hope she doesn't throw her life away because she's too weak. Edited May 1, 2012 by Gulf-Delta
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