nanbullen Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Is it possible to think you’re feeling better, and then actually feel worse? Or like you are back at square one? The last time I talked to my ex was last Thursday. He didn’t officially say it was over, he said we could try again, but I haven’t heard from him since. At first I was crying hysterical but it was too much to take. So, I convinced myself that we aren’t really broken up, and he was giving us time to step back and get some perspective, which he said several times he wanted, and I needed, because I am so needy and insecure. I convinced myself that there’s no way we aren’t destined to be together, and he will never love anyone as much as he loves me and he will never be able forget about me because he hasn’t forgotten me after all these years. But with every passing day that I don’t hear from him, it gets harder and harder, to believe it. I should move forward like we are broken up. But the problem is, when you want something so badly, and there’s even a slightest possibility, it’s hard to not to think about it. I feel like I want to call him and talk to him. I want a final answer. But really, I’m afraid of what he will say. I’d rather live in this bubble where I think one day he will realize how much he loves me. Before we got back together, for 10 years I had this fantasy that one day we would somehow see each other again and he would tell me he always loved me, but I knew it was not realistic. But now, since it actually happened, I can’t let go of the belief that it will happen again. The reality of the situation, that he doesn’t love me, and probably never really did and that we will never see each other again is so hard for me to accept, given the choice between believing it’s over, or believing he’s going to call me one day and I just have to wait it out. But the reality does hit me, especially early in the morning and late at night. And when that happens, it’s like I flashback to our last conversation, or I picture him with another woman saying and doing all the things he used to do with me. I think now he thinks about her instead of me, and it kills me. I just can’t stand it, and I block it out as soon as I can and try to go back into my bubble of denial, and i tell myself I don’t even know for a fact that they’re dating or that anything happened. My life is like Groundhog’s Day. I wake up in pain, wanting to call him. I push back that pain by thinking today is the day he will call. At night, after he hasn’t called, and I feel hopeless and sad, wanting to call him. How do I stop this? I want to “process the pain”, but I can’t allow myself to feel it long enough to actually start to feel better. I mean I feel it, and I cry and feel hopeless, and then I make myself feel better by convincing myself we aren’t really broken up. I want to move on, forget him, focus on me, live my life and just be happy. Why can’t I stop lying to myself? If I want to be happy, why am I my own worst enemy? I’m sorry I keep posting, but if I don’t I will call him or text him. I wish I had found this place a long time ago….I would have saved myself a lot of embarrassing texts. I know it seems like I don’t listen to any advice, but I do. Without LS I would have gone crazy, my ex would probably have a restraining order against me, not to mention changing his phone number!
Mindfr3ak Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 The thing you said, "its like im my own worst enemy",well yes in fact you are.Maybe you feel better in your bubble of denial,but thats not what people here told you to do.Thats not natural processing of pain,you're just pushing it all in yourself,thinking that one day you might have your "dream come true",but the thing is that you need to stop hoping right now!Even if there is the slightest hope for your dream to really come true,just kill it.Why?Because as i said,you arent helping yourself,you're actually destroying yourself and your life.You are in fact taking the medicine that is hurting you and helping you at the same time.The medicine is your hope and your bubble.You need to get rid of it,and continue your life without it.Because if you're hoping,and staying inside of that bubble,you're just hurting yourself every day again and again,and that wont change until you actually go out of it.
Author nanbullen Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 The thing you said, "its like im my own worst enemy",well yes in fact you are.Maybe you feel better in your bubble of denial,but thats not what people here told you to do.Thats not natural processing of pain,you're just pushing it all in yourself,thinking that one day you might have your "dream come true",but the thing is that you need to stop hoping right now!Even if there is the slightest hope for your dream to really come true,just kill it.Why?Because as i said,you arent helping yourself,you're actually destroying yourself and your life.You are in fact taking the medicine that is hurting you and helping you at the same time.The medicine is your hope and your bubble.You need to get rid of it,and continue your life without it.Because if you're hoping,and staying inside of that bubble,you're just hurting yourself every day again and again,and that wont change until you actually go out of it. Maybe denial isn’t the right word. My ex said he wanted to work things out and that he loves me, and we just need to get to know each other again. But also, I wore him out with my insecurity (you have to admit sending 20-30 texts in a row, and calling him over and over, is a problem), and I needed to figure out why I was acting like this because I was never like this before. What makes me think we are broken up is that he hasn’t called me since Thursday and my insecurity that he hasn’t called me because he wants to break up. Even though he said he didn't. So I guess that’s why it’s easy for me to convince myself that everything is OK. It’s like I’m in limbo. I don’t know for SURE the status of our relationship. And I don’t want to call him to clarify. I mean , I DO want to call him, but I know I shouldn’t.
Mindfr3ak Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Maybe denial isn’t the right word. My ex said he wanted to work things out and that he loves me, and we just need to get to know each other again. But also, I wore him out with my insecurity (you have to admit sending 20-30 texts in a row, and calling him over and over, is a problem), and I needed to figure out why I was acting like this because I was never like this before. What makes me think we are broken up is that he hasn’t called me since Thursday and my insecurity that he hasn’t called me because he wants to break up. Even though he said he didn't. So I guess that’s why it’s easy for me to convince myself that everything is OK. It’s like I’m in limbo. I don’t know for SURE the status of our relationship. And I don’t want to call him to clarify. I mean , I DO want to call him, but I know I shouldn’t. Well in that case you're right,dont call him,even if you do call him it just wont do any good in his decision.You said you sent 20-30 texts in a row and called him over and over again,right?Well thats the whole reason he said what he said.You will just add oil to fire if you still pursue him with your calls or texts asking him if you're still together or not.Just delete those thoughts from your head,calm down,and instead of thinking about that constantly,work on your insecurity,work on yourself,its all you can do now.There is no possible way to influence him other than just bringing him thoughts of breaking up with you,im sure you'll agree with me on that one.
Gulf-Delta Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Is it possible to think you’re feeling better, and then actually feel worse? Or like you are back at square one? The last time I talked to my ex was last Thursday. He didn’t officially say it was over, he said we could try again, but I haven’t heard from him since. At first I was crying hysterical but it was too much to take. So, I convinced myself that we aren’t really broken up, and he was giving us time to step back and get some perspective, which he said several times he wanted, and I needed, because I am so needy and insecure. I convinced myself that there’s no way we aren’t destined to be together, and he will never love anyone as much as he loves me and he will never be able forget about me because he hasn’t forgotten me after all these years. But with every passing day that I don’t hear from him, it gets harder and harder, to believe it. I should move forward like we are broken up. But the problem is, when you want something so badly, and there’s even a slightest possibility, it’s hard to not to think about it. I feel like I want to call him and talk to him. I want a final answer. But really, I’m afraid of what he will say. I’d rather live in this bubble where I think one day he will realize how much he loves me. Before we got back together, for 10 years I had this fantasy that one day we would somehow see each other again and he would tell me he always loved me, but I knew it was not realistic. But now, since it actually happened, I can’t let go of the belief that it will happen again. The reality of the situation, that he doesn’t love me, and probably never really did and that we will never see each other again is so hard for me to accept, given the choice between believing it’s over, or believing he’s going to call me one day and I just have to wait it out. But the reality does hit me, especially early in the morning and late at night. And when that happens, it’s like I flashback to our last conversation, or I picture him with another woman saying and doing all the things he used to do with me. I think now he thinks about her instead of me, and it kills me. I just can’t stand it, and I block it out as soon as I can and try to go back into my bubble of denial, and i tell myself I don’t even know for a fact that they’re dating or that anything happened. My life is like Groundhog’s Day. I wake up in pain, wanting to call him. I push back that pain by thinking today is the day he will call. At night, after he hasn’t called, and I feel hopeless and sad, wanting to call him. How do I stop this? I want to “process the pain”, but I can’t allow myself to feel it long enough to actually start to feel better. I mean I feel it, and I cry and feel hopeless, and then I make myself feel better by convincing myself we aren’t really broken up. I want to move on, forget him, focus on me, live my life and just be happy. Why can’t I stop lying to myself? If I want to be happy, why am I my own worst enemy? I’m sorry I keep posting, but if I don’t I will call him or text him. I wish I had found this place a long time ago….I would have saved myself a lot of embarrassing texts. I know it seems like I don’t listen to any advice, but I do. Without LS I would have gone crazy, my ex would probably have a restraining order against me, not to mention changing his phone number! You sound pretty much exactly like me :/ I was healing, but recently have hit the wall, and now my feelings are back at day 1.
Author nanbullen Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 Well in that case you're right,dont call him,even if you do call him it just wont do any good in his decision.You said you sent 20-30 texts in a row and called him over and over again,right?Well thats the whole reason he said what he said.You will just add oil to fire if you still pursue him with your calls or texts asking him if you're still together or not.Just delete those thoughts from your head,calm down,and instead of thinking about that constantly,work on your insecurity,work on yourself,its all you can do now.There is no possible way to influence him other than just bringing him thoughts of breaking up with you,im sure you'll agree with me on that one. Yes, that's right. It wasn't just on one occasion either. It was more like every week. And he would tell me I had to stop doing that, that insecurity, constantly being bombarded by texts/calls needing reassurance, and constant bi***ing was driving him away. HE TOLD ME. And I would promise to stop,and then I would do it again. So I know the worst possible thing I can do is call him. Especially, to call him to ask about whether we are broken up! What I need to be doing is going on with my life and working on my insecurity just like I said I would. You're right, there's nothing I can do to influence the situation in a poitive way by calling. It would only add oil to the fire, because that is the exact thing that he hates! Thanks for the pep talk, Mindfr3ak, that was just what I needed to hear.
blotter Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 I think it is safe to say at this point that your relationship status in NOT in limbo. He is just trying to let you down easy by saying these things to you. Your relationship is OVER. Your ex has moved on and at best is keeping you on the back burner to toy with you when he doesn't have another woman occupying his attention. I have a friend that does this all the time and it is truly pathetic position for the woman to let herself be put in. Have some self respect, go NC, kick this guy to the curb, and start moving on. There are a lot of wonderful men out there that will treat you right, but no until you get yourself out of this situation.
Mindfr3ak Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Yes, that's right. It wasn't just on one occasion either. It was more like every week. And he would tell me I had to stop doing that, that insecurity, constantly being bombarded by texts/calls needing reassurance, and constant bi***ing was driving him away. HE TOLD ME. And I would promise to stop,and then I would do it again. So I know the worst possible thing I can do is call him. Especially, to call him to ask about whether we are broken up! What I need to be doing is going on with my life and working on my insecurity just like I said I would. You're right, there's nothing I can do to influence the situation in a poitive way by calling. It would only add oil to the fire, because that is the exact thing that he hates! Thanks for the pep talk, Mindfr3ak, that was just what I needed to hear. Just do the very thing you said you wanted.Work on that insecurity,and work hard on that,since its a serious problem if you say/promise something and you still do the mistake.I know that from my own experience. And you're welcome,im here to help you out
Author nanbullen Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 You sound pretty much exactly like me :/ I was healing, but recently have hit the wall, and now my feelings are back at day 1. It's weird how the mind works, isn't it? It's taking one step forward and two steps back. Why does it have to hurt so much? I'll think of my ex with another woman, and it feels like i'm having an anxiety attack. Like i'm about to throw up. Have you ever seen those people that walk barefoot on hot coals? It's mind over matter. There's got to be some way, self-hypnosis or something, that a person can do to not feel the pain. Or to feel the pain, but for the brain to process it not as pain but as something else. Am I making even a bit of sense ?!
Zahara Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 He didn’t officially say it was over, he said we could try again, but I haven’t heard from him since. "We could try again." What does that mean? Try tomorrow, a month from now, a year from now, when he's up for it, when he feels like it? When someone wants to try and work a relationship, they are present and working on it, with you. Action. Words are for the birds. They don't disappear for 5 days. Where does this put you? Exactly where you are today. Wondering and hoping. You either take control of your own life and destiny, or you leave it up to a man who has a series of failed relationships due to his commitment issues to make up his mind about you. And leave the "I'm so special" out of the equation because most times what you see if what you get. If you were/are special and different to him, you'd be turning his life around. Instead, he's still caught in his own little bubble. Or you may be special and different, but his issues have a far more stronger hold on him than his feelings.
darkmoon Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 keep posting and venting nan, cuz we all have problems, but get distractions buy a book or go clubbing or go shopping, stop sitting there over-thinking, when you think of him, get distractions i get the impresion that atmo your life is compressed into thinking of him with no distractions, you will be moping forever at this rate, which is rather concerning to me
Author nanbullen Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 I think it is safe to say at this point that your relationship status in NOT in limbo. He is just trying to let you down easy by saying these things to you. Your relationship is OVER. Your ex has moved on and at best is keeping you on the back burner to toy with you when he doesn't have another woman occupying his attention. I have a friend that does this all the time and it is truly pathetic position for the woman to let herself be put in. Have some self respect, go NC, kick this guy to the curb, and start moving on. There are a lot of wonderful men out there that will treat you right, but no until you get yourself out of this situation. Yeah, I'm pretty much convinced you're right. I wish I could stop messing with my own head. I start to feel really bad, and a little voice in the back of my head says "wait, you don't have to feel bad because of xyz". I guess it doesn't make any difference what he thinks. As long as i don't call him, and more time passes that I am without him, it will become easier and easier to accept that he'll never call.
Mindfr3ak Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 It's weird how the mind works, isn't it? It's taking one step forward and two steps back. Why does it have to hurt so much? I'll think of my ex with another woman, and it feels like i'm having an anxiety attack. Like i'm about to throw up. Have you ever seen those people that walk barefoot on hot coals? It's mind over matter. There's got to be some way, self-hypnosis or something, that a person can do to not feel the pain. Or to feel the pain, but for the brain to process it not as pain but as something else. Am I making even a bit of sense ?! There is no way around it im afraid.We all have to go through it at one point.As another poster here said,and he may have a good point there,i wouldnt lay my hopes on that boy.I understand totally that it hurts like hell,we're in the same situation,but its something you just must go through.No tricks will help it,it will just complicate things even more.
Gulf-Delta Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 It's weird how the mind works, isn't it? It's taking one step forward and two steps back. Why does it have to hurt so much? I'll think of my ex with another woman, and it feels like i'm having an anxiety attack. Like i'm about to throw up. Yep, same thing here. The first time I initiated NC, I felt like crap. Told her I couldn't be around, wanted to be friends, but not till we're over each other, etc. We both cried and sobbed about it, and said some really deep things to each other (thinking about that conversation is making me misty eyed right now), and I drove away crying my eyes out. Felt like dying for 3 days. And then on day 4, I felt amazing. Don't know why, just did. Then I saw pictures of her with some dude at a club...was he a boyfriend, lover, rebound? No idea. Thinking about it now, the pics are innocent, she's not making out with him or anytihng, but nonetheless it hurt me BAD (at this point I thought I was over the whole thing), and I went back to feeling like day 1. I even called her, broke NC, the whole thing. It was bad. 4 or 5 days after that, I felt fine again. 5 days after that, I feel okay. I feel like I can accept whatever it is she's doing. But I also can't let go of hope for things to fix itself. I can't accept that she's out of my life for good. When I met her, I started believing in God, fate, destiny or something and based on the time, place and way we got together, I feel like "It" will bring us together again somehow. There's just too many coincidences. I'm waiting for my second wind to come along and bring back that "indestructible" feeling.
Author nanbullen Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 "We could try again." What does that mean? Try tomorrow, a month from now, a year from now, when he's up for it, when he feels like it? When someone wants to try and work a relationship, they are present and working on it, with you. Action. Words are for the birds. They don't disappear for 5 days. Where does this put you? Exactly where you are today. Wondering and hoping. You either take control of your own life and destiny, or you leave it up to a man who has a series of failed relationships due to his commitment issues to make up his mind about you. And leave the "I'm so special" out of the equation because most times what you see if what you get. If you were/are special and different to him, you'd be turning his life around. Instead, he's still caught in his own little bubble. Or you may be special and different, but his issues have a far more stronger hold on him than his feelings. I know and I have said all that to myself. He doesn't love me. I know this now. Even if he called me tomorrow saying he loved me, it wouldn't make me happy because I would not believe him. So it would be impossible for us to be together, because i'd know he was just using me until something better comes along. I try to keep telling myself it's not up to him whether we get back together or not. It's already over. In my head I know all this. But in my heart it's like a child. darkmoon i get the impresion that atmo your life is compressed into thinking of him with no distractions, you will be moping forever at this rate, which is rather concerning to me It's concerning me too. Especially when you put it that way. I do think of him with few distractions. But, i was hoping that all my feelings are perfectly normal and will go away in a while ...you know, time heals all wounds. Is it possible to mope forever? God I hope not, but I think I need to look into getting some health insurance ASAP. I'm taking medication that's supposed to help with these obsessive thoughts, obviously not working.
Mindfr3ak Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 (edited) Yep, same thing here. The first time I initiated NC, I felt like crap. Told her I couldn't be around, wanted to be friends, but not till we're over each other, etc. We both cried and sobbed about it, and said some really deep things to each other (thinking about that conversation is making me misty eyed right now), and I drove away crying my eyes out. Felt like dying for 3 days. And then on day 4, I felt amazing. Don't know why, just did. Then I saw pictures of her with some dude at a club...was he a boyfriend, lover, rebound? No idea. Thinking about it now, the pics are innocent, she's not making out with him or anytihng, but nonetheless it hurt me BAD (at this point I thought I was over the whole thing), and I went back to feeling like day 1. I even called her, broke NC, the whole thing. It was bad. 4 or 5 days after that, I felt fine again. 5 days after that, I feel okay. I feel like I can accept whatever it is she's doing. But I also can't let go of hope for things to fix itself. I can't accept that she's out of my life for good. When I met her, I started believing in God, fate, destiny or something and based on the time, place and way we got together, I feel like "It" will bring us together again somehow. There's just too many coincidences. I'm waiting for my second wind to come along and bring back that "indestructible" feeling. Woah,you're feeling the exact same way im feeling now.There are just too many coincidences as you said,for us to just be done.It feels like a part,a good part of you is dying,and you just cant do anything about it.The only thing is that im not going to day 1 every time,i set up my own "defence mechanism" so every time i want to cry,call her,tell her that she's still my everything etc. i just think about her new guy and how she kisses him,and thats enough for me to stop all the emotions right away,to become cold hearted for a few hours.Maybe you should try it too,i mean maybe not my mechanism,but something else that makes you stop thinking about it the second you turn the defence on. Edited April 30, 2012 by Mindfr3ak
Gulf-Delta Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Woah,you're feeling the exact same way im feeling now.There are just too many coincidences as you said,for us to just be done.It feels like a part,a good part of you is dying,and you just cant do anything about it.The only thing is that im not going to day 1 every time,i set up my own "defence mechanism" so every time i want to cry,call her,tell her that she's still my everything etc. i just think about her new guy and how she kisses him,and thats enough for me to stop all the emotions right away,to become cold hearted for a few hours.Maybe you should try it too,i mean maybe not my mechanism,but something else that makes you stop thinking about it the second you turn the defence on. I agree. Still, no matter what I do, I can't help but tihnking of this as a speed bump, or a trial that will probably make us stronger. Her a stronger woman, me a stronger man. Would I take her back. Not right away. Not with a lot of time, work, etc. But I will take her as a friend any day. That's just the person I am. I don't burn bridges. I've almost knocked one of my best friends unconcious in a fistfight when we were younger....to this day we still talk. In fact, I just sent him a birthday card a couple weeks ago. No matter how ugly things get, 95% of the time, I'm willing to forgive. And in my soul of souls I believe this person was sent to me, by something, to be a fixture in my life for a lot longer than 2 years. I believe there are different kinds of soulmates in life. Was this woman meant to marry me? Possibly not. Are we meant to be with each other in some way. I believe so. Thing is, I have lots of stories of ex's coming back. My best friend and his girl went through some SERIOUS issues, and now they're back together and are an amazing couple. He says there's still trust issues, but you learn to deal with them if you want to make it work. Even my own mother said she went through a GiGs type situation, and ended up coming back to my father... Like I said in another thread, there is no definitive answer on how to handle things, what will happen, or how you should interact with your ex, if at all. If there was an answer, this forum wouldn't exist. Only you knw your ex and the bond you shared, and only you can decide to hold on to hope based on that bond and your past with this person. For some people, NC forever works. But for other people (other types of people, other types of bonds, etc), it just may not work, or be possible or whatever. Follow your heart and mind, but make sure you aren't acting irrationally when you do so. If you listen to your gut, give whatever it says some serious thought before you do/say anything.
Author nanbullen Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 I feel like I can accept whatever it is she's doing. But I also can't let go of hope for things to fix itself. I can't accept that she's out of my life for good. When I met her, I started believing in God, fate, destiny or something and based on the time, place and way we got together, I feel like "It" will bring us together again somehow. There's just too many coincidences. I'm waiting for my second wind to come along and bring back that "indestructible" feeling. The first time we broke up, we both cried, said we'd always love each other,I drove away crying, same as you. We got back together after 10 years, I thought it was destiny. We were meant for each other. So, yeah, I'm having a lot of trouble accepting he's out of my life for good and all his feelings for me disappeared or never existed in the first place. How could I have been THAT wrong about him? I can't believe it. I know I need to, I have no choice. But this is the man I thought was my true love for practically my entire adult life. How could I let him slip through my fingers? I'm waiting for that second wind to come along and hit him, but i'm getting more discouraged by the day.
Gulf-Delta Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 The first time we broke up, we both cried, said we'd always love each other,I drove away crying, same as you. We got back together after 10 years, I thought it was destiny. We were meant for each other. So, yeah, I'm having a lot of trouble accepting he's out of my life for good and all his feelings for me disappeared or never existed in the first place. How could I have been THAT wrong about him? I can't believe it. I know I need to, I have no choice. But this is the man I thought was my true love for practically my entire adult life. How could I let him slip through my fingers? I'm waiting for that second wind to come along and hit him, but i'm getting more discouraged by the day. I don't really know what to say about that... Maybe one day the hope will disappear....the question is just when.
Mindfr3ak Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 I agree. Still, no matter what I do, I can't help but tihnking of this as a speed bump, or a trial that will probably make us stronger. Her a stronger woman, me a stronger man. Would I take her back. Not right away. Not with a lot of time, work, etc. But I will take her as a friend any day. That's just the person I am. I don't burn bridges. I've almost knocked one of my best friends unconcious in a fistfight when we were younger....to this day we still talk. In fact, I just sent him a birthday card a couple weeks ago. No matter how ugly things get, 95% of the time, I'm willing to forgive. And in my soul of souls I believe this person was sent to me, by something, to be a fixture in my life for a lot longer than 2 years. I believe there are different kinds of soulmates in life. Was this woman meant to marry me? Possibly not. Are we meant to be with each other in some way. I believe so. Thing is, I have lots of stories of ex's coming back. My best friend and his girl went through some SERIOUS issues, and now they're back together and are an amazing couple. He says there's still trust issues, but you learn to deal with them if you want to make it work. Even my own mother said she went through a GiGs type situation, and ended up coming back to my father... Like I said in another thread, there is no definitive answer on how to handle things, what will happen, or how you should interact with your ex, if at all. If there was an answer, this forum wouldn't exist. Only you knw your ex and the bond you shared, and only you can decide to hold on to hope based on that bond and your past with this person. For some people, NC forever works. But for other people (other types of people, other types of bonds, etc), it just may not work, or be possible or whatever. Follow your heart and mind, but make sure you aren't acting irrationally when you do so. If you listen to your gut, give whatever it says some serious thought before you do/say anything. I totally agree with you on everything you wrote.I can only say that i wish you all the best in life and that you find what kind of a soulmate your ex is,if you really believe in that.
Mindfr3ak Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 I don't really know what to say about that... Maybe one day the hope will disappear....the question is just when. The hope will disappear.When will it happen?Only she knows that,its not the same for everybody.Here,take me for example,my ex just now texted me that she will break up with that new bf of hers,because she thought he would make her happy,and he didnt,so basically she is one step closer to realizing i was the right one for her.But now,after 4 months of hell,i almost lost my hopes,i dont even bother to think of it.On the other hand,my friend broke up with his gf a year ago,and he's still not over her.The point is,its different for everybody.
Author nanbullen Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 Woah,you're feeling the exact same way im feeling now.There are just too many coincidences as you said,for us to just be done.It feels like a part,a good part of you is dying,and you just cant do anything about it.The only thing is that im not going to day 1 every time,i set up my own "defence mechanism" so every time i want to cry,call her,tell her that she's still my everything etc. i just think about her new guy and how she kisses him,and thats enough for me to stop all the emotions right away,to become cold hearted for a few hours.Maybe you should try it too,i mean maybe not my mechanism,but something else that makes you stop thinking about it the second you turn the defence on. After the first time we broke up, I knew we would be together again, it was meant to be, I just had to wait. And sure enough, a few months later we got back together. The second time we broke up I felt the same way, I just had to wait. But after a few months, he didn't call, and I was feeling like I am right now. I was miserable and lonely, when I thought about him I felt so, so alone. I met someone else, but I never stopped loving my ex. and I knew I would go back to him in a heartbeat. I never stopped thinking about him and I knew wherever he was, he still loved me, the same way I loved him. So now, after breaking up for the THIRD time, you can imagine how I feel. I can't even wrap my head around the idea that all these years he never loved me, and he's only used me when it was convenient to him. He was the only man I ever loved, so I'm also such a moron that I was stupid enough to love somebody all these years, and not know this? This is 14 years of my life we're talking about here. And i'm just supposed to rethink my whole life? Just like that? Honestly, I hope that i'm having such a bad day today because i'm starting to accept the fact that it is over. I am so sick of feeling like this. I can't get out of my head and stop thinking about him.
Author nanbullen Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 Also, what keeps me from contacting him is the fact that I have broken up with guys before (although when you break up with somebody who cheated on you, it's debatable on who dumped who). Anyway, I know how I felt when they would keep calling me, calling my friends, sitting outside my apartment wanting to talk. I didn't want to hurt their feelings, but I was over them. When they cried and pouted and tried to tell me whatever, I just pitied them.
Mindfr3ak Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 After the first time we broke up, I knew we would be together again, it was meant to be, I just had to wait. And sure enough, a few months later we got back together. The second time we broke up I felt the same way, I just had to wait. But after a few months, he didn't call, and I was feeling like I am right now. I was miserable and lonely, when I thought about him I felt so, so alone. I met someone else, but I never stopped loving my ex. and I knew I would go back to him in a heartbeat. I never stopped thinking about him and I knew wherever he was, he still loved me, the same way I loved him. So now, after breaking up for the THIRD time, you can imagine how I feel. I can't even wrap my head around the idea that all these years he never loved me, and he's only used me when it was convenient to him. He was the only man I ever loved, so I'm also such a moron that I was stupid enough to love somebody all these years, and not know this? This is 14 years of my life we're talking about here. And i'm just supposed to rethink my whole life? Just like that? Honestly, I hope that i'm having such a bad day today because i'm starting to accept the fact that it is over. I am so sick of feeling like this. I can't get out of my head and stop thinking about him. Listen,im barely 5 years older than your whole relationship with that guy,but even i,and even an idiot would notice that he is NOT the man for you!I dont call you an idiot,you dont count,you're the one in love here and cant think rationally.But ask yourself,is that really what you want?!Do you want someone who will use you as his backup plan when things arent going his way?I mean come on,you maybe love him,but after that what i heard,i wouldnt even think of him.You have to turn your mind on now.You surely know how to love someone with your whole heart,and that man is not the one that deserves it!! Even love cant hold up when the other person is a total waste of time.
Author nanbullen Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 I agree. Still, no matter what I do, I can't help but tihnking of this as a speed bump, or a trial that will probably make us stronger. Her a stronger woman, me a stronger man. Would I take her back. Not right away. Not with a lot of time, work, etc. But I will take her as a friend any day. That's just the person I am. I don't burn bridges. I've almost knocked one of my best friends unconcious in a fistfight when we were younger....to this day we still talk. In fact, I just sent him a birthday card a couple weeks ago. No matter how ugly things get, 95% of the time, I'm willing to forgive. And in my soul of souls I believe this person was sent to me, by something, to be a fixture in my life for a lot longer than 2 years. I believe there are different kinds of soulmates in life. Was this woman meant to marry me? Possibly not. Are we meant to be with each other in some way. I believe so. Thing is, I have lots of stories of ex's coming back. My best friend and his girl went through some SERIOUS issues, and now they're back together and are an amazing couple. He says there's still trust issues, but you learn to deal with them if you want to make it work. Even my own mother said she went through a GiGs type situation, and ended up coming back to my father... Like I said in another thread, there is no definitive answer on how to handle things, what will happen, or how you should interact with your ex, if at all. If there was an answer, this forum wouldn't exist. Only you knw your ex and the bond you shared, and only you can decide to hold on to hope based on that bond and your past with this person. For some people, NC forever works. But for other people (other types of people, other types of bonds, etc), it just may not work, or be possible or whatever. Follow your heart and mind, but make sure you aren't acting irrationally when you do so. If you listen to your gut, give whatever it says some serious thought before you do/say anything. OMG, just when I was telling myself, all the people here can't be wrong. They have perspective, and I need to listen to their advice and face reality. Now you have me completely turned around again. This is what I have been thinking, exactly. I believe this is the person that was MEANT FOR ME. But does everybody think that after a breakup? I know I've never felt this way after any other breakup or even when I divorced my baby's dad. But maybe I've worn myself down reading LS, I just feel like I've been a fool. I know that nobody else knows what kind of bond we have. And I believe that I contributed to this break-up, and it wasn't all his fault. So that makes it hard to be mad at the way he treated me.I treated him badly too. All I know is I haven't heard from him in almost a week and I can't contact him under any circumstances. That's the situation in front of me. I don't know what the future holds,maybe we're meant to be together, but I have to learn to live with the fact that he's not a part of my life now. And this hope is holding me back from doing that.
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