Have I got anything to lose by asking her what her intentions are? (with her contact)

April 30, 2012

Some of you might have followed my story, ex that dumped me 8 months ago has been back in contact in the last two months. Contacting me every couple of weeks, at first she employing a hidden agenda (excuses to contact me for a document of hers) then eventually she just came more up front and even texted me on our anniversary asking if I remembered what day it was.

The last time she texted me was 9 days ago, she texted to tell me a twitter page she thought I would like. I was in the same night club as her on saturday there but I was very drunk and can't remember talking to her much.

The whole thing is eating away at me, I feel like she might be fishing for reconciliation but doesn't want to come out and ask for it incase she gets shot down.

Does anyone thing I should just be up front and ask what her intentions are? Try and remain impartial at the same time so she doesn't know what i want before i know what she wants.

The whole thing is eating away at me.

April 30, 2012

We told you her intentions, you wont listen

She was checking in and saying Hi

Thats it

April 30, 2012

You could ask... but your Ex is lost and doesn't know what she is doing herself.

So any answer you might get, really doesn't matter.

If your Ex truly wants you back, if your Ex truly wants a second chance, if your Ex truly wants to reconcile with you...

They will pursue you, they will be geniune, they will be sincere, they will be open, they will be honest, they will make themselves available to you, they will want to talk and communicate with you, they will make you a priority, they will be affectionate, they will be respectful, they will want to see and be with you, they will gladly remove any roadblocks or barriers that are standing in the way, they will be persistent, they will fight for you, they have no problem putting forth the work and effort that is required, they will give it their all, they will do whatever is necessary and give you their very best!

If your Ex is not doing all the things above...

Your Ex does not want you back!

April 30, 2012

Good gracious! I read your back history!

This is crazy, she is toying with you like a cat with a mouse... she lets you go, then, PAM!! Down with her paw on your tail, and she flicks you from one paw to the other....

escape!

It's ridiculous that you allow this foolishness to carry on!

April 30, 2012

Here's the deal. Most women for whatever reason hate to think that there's a person in the world that might hate them or think of them as a bad person, so she's desperate to get you in the "friend zone"

Remember, anything short of, "I'm sorry. I made a mistake and I'll do anything for a second chance." is nothing more than breadcrumbs.

April 30, 2012

^^^^^^^^ what Chi said.

as for your question "have i got anything to lose..."

yes. the answer is "everything and all progress you've made".

April 30, 2012

If your Ex truly wants you back, if your Ex truly wants a second chance, if your Ex truly wants to reconcile with you...

They will pursue you, they will be geniune, they will be sincere, they will be open, they will be honest, they will make themselves available to you, they will want to talk and communicate with you, they will make you a priority, they will be affectionate, they will be respectful, they will want to see and be with you, they will gladly remove any roadblocks or barriers that are standing in the way, they will be persistent, they will fight for you, they have no problem putting forth the work and effort that is required, they will give it their all, they will do whatever is necessary and give you their very best!

Wait, you mean they wont tell anyone who listens how horrible you are, bombard you with emails accusing you of being the sole reason the relatinship didnt work, demand things back because child support stopped and they need to sell them, write vicious songs about you and post them to youtube, and forge hate mail then accuse you of writing it?

Whew that's a relief, I was just about to go back to my ex.

j/k of course. That is a very accurate way to put things (not my sarcasm, the bolded above )

Anything less is just breadcrumbs....

May 1, 2012

I feel like she might be fishing for reconciliation but doesn't want to come out and ask for it incase she gets shot down.

What reason does she have to think she will be shot down? She wants you to like her, sending a twitter page? Weak attempt to get you to acknowledge her. When you want reconciliation, you don't go fishing for it.

Does anyone thing I should just be up front and ask what her intentions are? Try and remain impartial at the same time so she doesn't know what i want before i know what she wants.

No, I don't think you should at all. You can't remain impartial right now because it's eating away at you. This is still your hope talking

May 1, 2012

Thanks for the replies.

The urge has passed thankfully. That's the second time in recent weeks I've come dangerously close to reaching out.

I agree with what's being said by most of you here. If she really wanted me back, she wouldn't have stopped replying to text conversation and so on. If she wanted me back, we would be back together already.

What's she playing at then? "Checking in" as you said Wilson X, what exactly does that mean though? She's just trying to put herself back in my head and get my acknowledgement?

So where do I go from here? Do I ignore her next attempt to make contact? I'm guessing the answer to that is Yes as being receptive hasn't worked so far.

When a girl acts like this, and throws breadcrumbs is there more or less chance of them coming back eventually compared to a dumper who didn't throw any breadcrumbs before asking for the dumpee back? Or does that depend on how the Dumpee reacts to the breadcrumbs?

May 1, 2012

It means nothing, she had a moment in her day when she cared to reach out, that moment has long passed

May 1, 2012

So where do I go from here? Do I ignore her next attempt to make contact? I'm guessing the answer to that is Yes as being receptive hasn't worked so far.

My college ex dumped me and cut off all contact with me for a year before popping back up. After that period of NC, she sent me a Facebook friend request. I accepted the request, which led to messaging each other, which led to meeting up and spending time together. Point is, some people probably would have told me her friend request and subsequent initial messages were just "breadcrumbs" or ways that she was trying to alleviate her guilt. In reality, those were her first steps in attempting to reconcile. She was testing the water to see if I was still interested, and quickly made it clear that she wanted me back. I ended up not taking her back, but I never would have had the chance had I ignored her.

Anyway, it could be breadcrumbs, it could be that she's trying to open the lines of communication, or it could be that she actually just wanted to send you something she thought you'd like. Now, I'm not saying that you should answer her, but you'll never know unless you do. Just providing some food for thought. I only answered my old ex because a LONG time had passed since we had broken up.

May 1, 2012

If I am correct this girl cheated on you? If so why do you want her back? If she did come back; how could you trust her not to cheat again? Relationships which have little trust or honesty have little chance of long term success. You are wasting your time chasing after a girl who 1) Cheated on you and 2) has shown little interest in you ever since...

The problem is you and not her. It's clear you have little self worth; if that is the best you want for yourself....Not only should you not be chasing her/wanting a reconcilation, you should never want to speak to her again. The question you need to ask yourself is; why you whould ever consider being with her again NOT what her intentions are..

I don't believe she cheated on me. While she was away she became distant which there is no excuse for. Admittedly I didn't help things by acting immature, irrational and pathetic at times and through the distance and lack communication, she broke up with me. Only a few weeks later while still away, she told me she was now with another guy and swore nothing had happened until now. You can call me crazy but I still believe that.

She was only 18/19 at the time and still is young. I believe what she did was very wrong but it was ultimately as a result of selfishness stemming from her immaturity. Why do I want her back? Simply because I'm still deeply in love with her after all these months and have barely gone an hour without thinking about her. That doesn't mean I have no self worth. I did all the right things to get over her after the break up.

May 1, 2012

My college ex dumped me and cut off all contact with me for a year before popping back up. After that period of NC, she sent me a Facebook friend request. I accepted the request, which led to messaging each other, which led to meeting up and spending time together. Point is, some people probably would have told me her friend request and subsequent initial messages were just "breadcrumbs" or ways that she was trying to alleviate her guilt. In reality, those were her first steps in attempting to reconcile. She was testing the water to see if I was still interested, and quickly made it clear that she wanted me back. I ended up not taking her back, but I never would have had the chance had I ignored her.

Anyway, it could be breadcrumbs, it could be that she's trying to open the lines of communication, or it could be that she actually just wanted to send you something she thought you'd like. Now, I'm not saying that you should answer her, but you'll never know unless you do. Just providing some food for thought. I only answered my old ex because a LONG time had passed since we had broken up.

She definitely didn't just want to send me something she thought I'd like, that much was pretty obvious. The text about our anniversary was the most obvious breadcrumb, and the texts back and forth from that were very interested and conversational, but then eventually she stopped replying. Then texted the twitter page one a few days later. I suppose if she was genuine about reconciliation at the moment she would have kept replying and one thing would have lead to another. I suppose you're ex became genuine and up front with her intentions pretty quick? The contact from my ex has been consistent in that it's been 7 weeks since she first initiated contact and then there's been different spells of it every week/two weeks since. Including her friend telling me that the two of us "need to give it another try".

Thanks for the reply by the way.

May 1, 2012

If your Ex truly wants you back, if your Ex truly wants a second chance, if your Ex truly wants to reconcile with you...

They will pursue you, they will be geniune, they will be sincere, they will be open, they will be honest, they will make themselves available to you, they will want to talk and communicate with you, they will make you a priority, they will be affectionate, they will be respectful, they will want to see and be with you, they will gladly remove any roadblocks or barriers that are standing in the way, they will be persistent, they will fight for you, they have no problem putting forth the work and effort that is required, they will give it their all, they will do whatever is necessary and give you their very best!

If your Ex is not doing all the things above...

Your Ex does not want you back!

I don't know a single woman who would crawl to get someone back unless she got dumped, she might be too proud and hence testing the waters.

What you shouldn't do, at any cost is make it easy for her, but still there are no guarantees.

May 1, 2012

I don't know a single woman who would crawl to get someone back unless she got dumped, she might be too proud and hence testing the waters.

What you shouldn't do, at any cost is make it easy for her, but still there are no guarantees.

I agree, I don't think enough people put that into consideration. Women just don't beg, a man will, he will break down and cry at a chance of NC, but this is just unknown.

So I think the advice that she only wants you back "As if she is breaking down your door and crying" is invalid, "CaliGuy" type advice.

To me a women is much more likely to test the waters. I have had 2 exs do the same thing, they come back "You dating anyone?" Flirting telling friends that they are with there BF even though they know you guys are broken up, that type of stuff, it really is breadcrumbs even when they want you back.

Edited May 1, 2012 by LasVegasGuy

May 1, 2012

You don't believe she cheated on you because you don't want to believe it. Whether she physically cheated or not is irrelavant. She clearly developed feelings for the other guy while you were both still together. This is the point you need to focus on. She also treated you badly in the aftermath according to reading your other posts. Just because she eventually said 'sorry' does not make her a potentially good partner; or that she has suddenly matured.

You say she is immature, I agree. Couples in a healthy relationship know how to communicate to one another. The don't act immaturely, play games. Fall for other people, the moment things get a little hard..

I hear the excuse 'But I love him/her' all the time. I am a little older then you both and I can guarentee you that you will look back over this and say "what the hell was I thinking". Its ok to be emotionally immature at your age. You are just starting off on a voyage of self discovery. The person you are at 30 is VERY different from the person you are at 20.

When you get to my age you will understand that relationships and human interactions can be very complex. You will understand a relationship requires work, sometimes hard work to succeed. Other times when its flowing well it will seem 'easy'. Its about enjoying and appreciating the good times and fighting through the hard times. Relationships need more then 'Love' to survive. Compromise, communication, empathy, honesty, trust, understanding etc. It's about two people meeting at the right stage in life who are happy within themselves and have learnt their lifes lessons and matured. You are your ex are not at the right stage and you are still to learn these lessons.

She will grow too. I don't think she is a bad kid, but right now its impossble for you guys to ever make it work. The dynamics of the relationship would really need to change. Like 180 degrees. The problem with matters of the heart is, you can show a person all the theory in the world and explain to them in thousands of different ways why a relationship won't work. It does not matter. The heart wants what the heart wants. People think their situation and their relationship bond is different but that is rarely the case. They are very few exceptions to the rule.

I have a male friend who is 35. He met a girl of 20 last year. They would be PERFECT for each other if he was 7 years younger and she 7 years older. We (our circle of friends) love her to death, but right now they are in the process of a tough breakup. They just met at the wrong stage in their lives. Doesn't matter what way I explain things to him; he can't let her go from his heart. You are the same.

To be still in such a mess over this girl tells me there are self esteem issues somewhere. Maybe you are not even aware of them..At some stage your logic will win the battle over the heart, but you need to as many things as you can to help win this battle. Time doesn't heal. Healing in the right way heals..Some people just wallow in self pity and sadness and they are as sad after 1 year as they were the day they broke up. Eventually you are going to need to help yourself..

Yeah you're probably right about emotional cheating. I don't think I can hold it against her forever, though I'm sure some would.

I realise what you have said regarding what it takes to make a relationship work is very true, however the relationship was working very well but it was torn a part by circumstances. I also believe you when you say that things will seem different in 10 years when I'm over 30. I'm at virtually the same stage in my life as my ex though. Maybe if we met when were both more mature it would have worked.

With regards to self esteem issues, I would be surprised if i had a problem there. I honestly believe I'm a great catch for any girl and I love the good qualities i have. I think the stage I'm at is as a result of how the break up happened. I don't think many people can imagine what it's like to have the person your were closest to in the world (who treated you with more love and respect than anyone else) go away for sometime while the relationship is in good shape and then turn into a totally different person, break your heart and you aren't even able to speak to them because they're in a different country, then arrive home and you have no contact to them. It's like they've just disappeared and you don't know where that's person has gone. I honestly believe that's where the issues lie.

Edited May 1, 2012 by MIK1000

May 1, 2012

I agree, I don't think enough people put that into consideration. Women just don't beg, a man will, he will break down and cry at a chance of NC, but this is just unknown.

So I think the advice that she only wants you back "As if she is breaking down your door and crying" is invalid, "CaliGuy" type advice.

To me a women is much more likely to test the waters. I have had 2 exs do the same thing, they come back "You dating anyone?" Flirting telling friends that they are with there BF even though they know you guys are broken up, that type of stuff, it really is breadcrumbs even when they want you back.

I agree with this. However my appears to be playing games i think. I can see that now.

I don't understand it though because i remember her as the least manipulative and cunning person i knew.

May 1, 2012

There is a lot more to self esteem then thinking your a great catch. I don't believe you know her (or yourself) as good as you think you do. You are not really understanding what I am trying to tell you. That's because you are still young and view things from a different prespective than me. Nothing wrong with that. You seem like a good guy and you will figure this out..

I don't really like seeing this. "You don't understand." "You don't get me." "You don't get it." these are bad arguing points for many reasons each more slanderous than the next.

Try, "I don't think your perspective has reached the right point so as to understand what I am trying to convey, here, let me explain it better..."

Yes, Fluorescent I am now poking fun at you.

May 1, 2012

There is a lot more to self esteem then thinking your a great catch. I don't believe you know her (or yourself) as good as you think you do. You are not really understanding what I am trying to tell you. That's because you are still young and view things from a different prespective than me. Nothing wrong with that. You seem like a good guy and you will figure this out..

i think it would take deep psychological analysis to find any self esteem issues. I'm not 100 percent ruling out the possibility that i have though, but I would be surprised.

I'm reading over your post again, trying to understand some of the things you say better.

I appreciate you're strong input though. Thanks.

May 1, 2012

If you have to ask the question... I don't believe you are ready to talk to her.

May 1, 2012

If you have to ask the question... I don't believe you are ready to talk to her.

Can you expand on this? I read things along those lines on here a lot and I'm doubting the truth in it but it might help me to understand the basis of reconciliation and also moving on.

May 1, 2012

She definitely didn't just want to send me something she thought I'd like, that much was pretty obvious. The text about our anniversary was the most obvious breadcrumb, and the texts back and forth from that were very interested and conversational, but then eventually she stopped replying. Then texted the twitter page one a few days later. I suppose if she was genuine about reconciliation at the moment she would have kept replying and one thing would have lead to another. I suppose you're ex became genuine and up front with her intentions pretty quick? The contact from my ex has been consistent in that it's been 7 weeks since she first initiated contact and then there's been different spells of it every week/two weeks since. Including her friend telling me that the two of us "need to give it another try".

Thanks for the reply by the way.

You're probably right. If she wanted to reconcile, she wouldn't have gone cold on you and stopped replying. My old ex and I sent multiple messages back and forth. First they were cordial, then flirty etc. She was the one who initiated everything(messages,meetups), so yes, she made it clear. I'm not sure why your ex would continue to reach out, so perhaps you should just ask her next time if the conversation doesn't go anywhere again.

May 1, 2012

You're probably right. If she wanted to reconcile, she wouldn't have gone cold on you and stopped replying. My old ex and I sent multiple messages back and forth. First they were cordial, then flirty etc. She was the one who initiated everything(messages,meetups), so yes, she made it clear. I'm not sure why your ex would continue to reach out, so perhaps you should just ask her next time if the conversation doesn't go anywhere again.

Not a bad idea, I guess the only downside is that it shows I care that she's gone cold.

The whole thing is bizarre though. At first it was bumping into her in the club and her apologising for everything. Then a week later she texts asking if we can meet up because 'we need to talk'. At that point she must have wanted reconciliation and then had a change of heart. Then it was asking for that document again that I already told her I didn't have, not to mention phoning after she had already texted me for no apparent reason (pretty awkward thing to do since we hadn't had a phone call since pre break up.) and then the recent ones like the anniversary text which are more up front. It's a pretty valient effort to get my attention is it not? Why do all that if you're not going to follow through?

May 2, 2012

Not a bad idea, I guess the only downside is that it shows I care that she's gone cold.

The whole thing is bizarre though. At first it was bumping into her in the club and her apologising for everything. Then a week later she texts asking if we can meet up because 'we need to talk'. At that point she must have wanted reconciliation and then had a change of heart. Then it was asking for that document again that I already told her I didn't have, not to mention phoning after she had already texted me for no apparent reason (pretty awkward thing to do since we hadn't had a phone call since pre break up.) and then the recent ones like the anniversary text which are more up front. It's a pretty valient effort to get my attention is it not? Why do all that if you're not going to follow through?

It sounds like there might be another guy in the picture. It does sound like she's tested the water to see if you still have any interest, but it's a half-assed effort. Do you know if she's seeing anyone, or was seeing anyone? She obviously has some interest in you, but if she's not all-in(and she's obviously not), then there's probably someone else she's interested in or possibly pursuing. If you've already had conversations with her and she keeps going cold, then it's probably best to leave it be. She knows how to reach you if/when she's ready to state her intentions.

May 2, 2012

Can you expand on this? I read things along those lines on here a lot and I'm doubting the truth in it but it might help me to understand the basis of reconciliation and also moving on.

How many threads have you created about this situation? 3 that I can remember. 3 Threads for one text message.

People are writing essays and paragraphs and boundary crashing other people all over one text message. Those of us that have behaved like your ex in the past have told you what that text message meant. It meant nothing. She cared about you for a few seconds in a day to say hi, thats it. You continue to create huge debates looking for the meaning and the psychology and stuff behind it.

Let it go. If she wants you back it will be made crystal clear that she wants you back. She will tell you either on the phone or to your face. Anything else means nothing.

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Have I got anything to lose by asking her what her intentions are? (with her contact)

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