thehatch Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 my story, i'll try to make it brief . I have been with my wife for 13 years married 8, we have one child each and one together who is 8. I'm 41 she is 33 We moved from UK to U.S.A .7 years ago, we work together. We had, i thought a great relationship, enjoy each other on all levels. Her friend got married( another Brit) and her new husband (American). Started working alongside my wife, i began to get suspicious about 6 months ago, our relationship was still very good , had a great wedding anniversary and sex life was amazing. I just felt something was wrong, i confronted her with cell phone msgs, and she admitted they had been having an affair for the last 9 months or so. My whole world simply fell apart! She said she was confused about her feelings for me and him. we continued to live together and sleep together. I love her, she has treated me badly!but i can't help loving her .It makes me feel like a waste of space for still loving. I said i could forgive and we could try again.She then said, that she has fallen in love with him!And loves me but isn't in love with me! She just wants to be with him....i am going crazy!!! She has moved out, and is living with her parents. She has taken her daughter, whom i have raised as my own for 13 years.Our 8 year old daughter, wants to live with me, so mom has her, well last week only once.But calls in to see her most days. Our youngest is very angry with mom, ..mom doesn't seem to care what anyone thinks.. Oh god what a mess!I feel like my life is crumbling around me, can't eat cant sleep.I have never felt anything like this in my life. I know i NEED to move on, but i see them at work and it sends me crazy! I don't want to be a doormat, i just want my life back! Alas it seems that it isn't going to be, she knows i still love her...Will she wake up one day and think oh my god what have i done? or is she gone forever? Should i even want her back? god i am really messed up! and very lonely! help/ advise anyone /..thanks for reading
findingnemo Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 So your W got into an A with her friend's new H? Jeez. Have you talked to her friend about this? About her child, do you have an adoption order or something that acknowledges you are legally responsible? I wonder if anyone has any idea how the court treats Ds in blended families where there's a child who is a result of that union. I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. Stick around. There are plenty of people who can help you navigate through this trying time. 1
Shinobi Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 (edited) So typical for women... Just do not know what to say, I know how it is, I was devastated in a similar way just some time ago. Go home and let your pain out, greave it out. Do this everytime you are alone, try to let go. Leave your job and totally disappear from her sight. No body can tell you how this is going to end (reunite or break) but you need to be strong now. Hang on, show to the world that you are a man and are strong. Pretend like nothing happened. It is hard, I know but you do not have too much choice right now... P.S. 9 months affair is very long time, she cut the strings long time ago and has been ready to leave you since then without second thought... Heavy words but true. Show her what it is to live without you. Do not be there for her. Edited April 30, 2012 by Shinobi 1
Author thehatch Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 Unfortunately due to work visas, i can t leave my job , we have to continue to all work together of sorts. The other other guy's wife and i are friends too, and yes she knows everything.Her life is just as much a mess as mine! We talk most days.She is in living hell right now! He kept telling her he didn't know what he wanted, to stay with her (his wife). Or to be with my wife! Ohh to have such a choice. Obviously as a guy i just don't see the attraction, my youngest daughter screamed at mom, yesterday , saying why would you want him instead of daddy!.Daddy is more handsome and nicer, you are being selfish, why can't you just be with daddy!.She just said sometimes mom s and dads just don't love each other anymore! JEEZE! His wife. She moved out last week , she still loves him.So much devastation it's unbelievable. The thought of them living together , and my daughter being with him is enough to send me insane! I am trying to be tough, to man up! But bloody hell...it's hard...really hard to be normal! thanks for the replies!
Shinobi Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Yep, complicated it is... I would suggest something else- start seeing his wife and sleep with her... 6
findingnemo Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Okay...here's my honest advice. 1) You love the woman who was your W. You need to realize that something in her has changed. She isn't the same person anymore. 2) Your best chance at either reconciling or moving on is to do the 180. But yours has to be modified because you all work together. 3) See a lawyer right away about your rights with regards to the children, your own, hers and your joint child. Find out what the implication of her moving out is and what you need to go for full custody. Yes...you're a man but believe me, men can also be granted physical custody. 4) Also research where getting a D is easier. In the US or the UK. Which would be better for you in terms of custody? 5) What is the shareholding like in the business? You can together with her friend first get her off the board and then fire her from the business. You need all this information at hand even if you haven't decided how to move forward. It seems like your W is totally gone. She's been thinking about this for a while and your discovery gave her the courage to make the move. I know you're hurt, in pain and feel like doing absolutely nothing but you can't. There's too much at stake. Your children and your livelihood. Your family and your sanity. The best thing to do right now is to move, do something, anything to get yourself in a good legal position.
Author thehatch Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 Yep, complicated it is... I would suggest something else- start seeing his wife and sleep with her... LOL.. His wife and i are very similar with our feelings, we are good friends brought together because of all this mess.There has never been any attraction between us..But i see where your coming from !
DarkPrince Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Yep, complicated it is... I would suggest something else- start seeing his wife and sleep with her... Ive often wanted to do this myself, but unfortunately the his wife is ungodly ugly and obese. 1
Author thehatch Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 Okay...here's my honest advice. 1) You love the woman who was your W. You need to realize that something in her has changed. She isn't the same person anymore. 2) Your best chance at either reconciling or moving on is to do the 180. But yours has to be modified because you all work together. 3) See a lawyer right away about your rights with regards to the children, your own, hers and your joint child. Find out what the implication of her moving out is and what you need to go for full custody. Yes...you're a man but believe me, men can also be granted physical custody. 4) Also research where getting a D is easier. In the US or the UK. Which would be better for you in terms of custody? 5) What is the shareholding like in the business? You can together with her friend first get her off the board and then fire her from the business. You need all this information at hand even if you haven't decided how to move forward. It seems like your W is totally gone. She's been thinking about this for a while and your discovery gave her the courage to make the move. I know you're hurt, in pain and feel like doing absolutely nothing but you can't. There's too much at stake. Your children and your livelihood. Your family and your sanity. The best thing to do right now is to move, do something, anything to get yourself in a good legal position. The business is actually her mother and fathers!, we sort of bought into it to get visa's.Her parents have said nothing to me, which disappoints me greatly! I /we have to continue working like we are now. Our daughter has already told mum that she wants to live with me, my wife has accepted that.She stayed over on sat with mum, and then wanted to come home to me last night, so she did. I will let her stay with mum whenever she wants.I am going to move , her daughter is 17, she has just gone with mum , and that's that! I know that my finding out made her decision. It bugs me that she looks like she's not a care in the world . While i'm stewing in my state of woe! I can see she is not the person i married. Just so hard to move on..my other option is to go back to England...However things get even more complicated, due to visa restrictions, if i go back...thats it we won't be allowed back in the US! I won't go anywise without my daughter, but if we go ...she would never see mum again! sigh!! i don't think i can do that ..
Chi townD Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Wow, considering that you're British citizens living in the US under work vista's. I don't know if talking to an American Lawyer would be benefical.
Author thehatch Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 no ...it's just one big, huge f****** mess! she has just been round to get something..we had a huge argument ...she is just so different all these years together...seem to mean nothing to her now!
Chi townD Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 So, do you need to call a Barrister back in the UK or do you need to contact the British Embassy? What are your options while you're abroad?
findingnemo Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 The business is actually her mother and fathers!, we sort of bought into it to get visa's.Her parents have said nothing to me, which disappoints me greatly! I /we have to continue working like we are now. Our daughter has already told mum that she wants to live with me, my wife has accepted that.She stayed over on sat with mum, and then wanted to come home to me last night, so she did. I will let her stay with mum whenever she wants.I am going to move , her daughter is 17, she has just gone with mum , and that's that! I know that my finding out made her decision. It bugs me that she looks like she's not a care in the world . While i'm stewing in my state of woe! I can see she is not the person i married. Just so hard to move on..my other option is to go back to England...However things get even more complicated, due to visa restrictions, if i go back...thats it we won't be allowed back in the US! I won't go anywise without my daughter, but if we go ...she would never see mum again! sigh!! i don't think i can do that .. A few more questions. 1. Your W is also British or is she American? Her parents legal status? I'm assuming British since you said you both needed visas. What citizenship do your kids have, especially the biologically mutual child? 2. How big a stake did you buy? If they are majority shareholders all they have to do is invest some cash and dilute your shares to almost nil. But to deal with this you do need an American Lawyer. You can get protection as a minority shareholder. At least according to Commonwealth Law you can. I have no idea about the US laws. Going back to England right away is a surefire way to give up your stake in the business. Unless you have a brighter future back home, there's no reason for you to give up right now. I don't understand why you'd not be able to go back to the States. All you have to do is to apply for a visitors' visa which will be granted easily you being 1) British and 2) not been in violation of a previous visa. So don't worry about that for now.
coltsfan1 Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Yep, complicated it is... I would suggest something else- start seeing his wife and sleep with her... This advice for the WIN!!! This is a dish best served COLD!!
Author thehatch Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 This advice for the WIN!!! This is a dish best served COLD!! who knows...maybe but to be honest! i don't think her husband or my wife would care that much..
Author thehatch Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 A few more questions. 1. Your W is also British or is she American? Her parents legal status? I'm assuming British since you said you both needed visas. What citizenship do your kids have, especially the biologically mutual child? 2. How big a stake did you buy? If they are majority shareholders all they have to do is invest some cash and dilute your shares to almost nil. But to deal with this you do need an American Lawyer. You can get protection as a minority shareholder. At least according to Commonwealth Law you can. I have no idea about the US laws. Going back to England right away is a surefire way to give up your stake in the business. Unless you have a brighter future back home, there's no reason for you to give up right now. I don't understand why you'd not be able to go back to the States. All you have to do is to apply for a visitors' visa which will be granted easily you being 1) British and 2) not been in violation of a previous visa. So don't worry about that for now. her parents were here pre 911...after that it became very difficult to gain residency in the US.Our visa were obtained while we were here, it gives you work rights for yourself in your own company, but if you leave, the visa is waived.We had friends on the same thing they went home, and couldn't come back in , turned away at the airport in us and sent back home ..barred from the US ..for 15 years.. I'M JUST CLINGING ON i know it's pathetic..I will move on , but for now .i can't ..... i WILL get a place for my daughter and i .WE WILL be good, she can see mum when she wants, our child is ours and we will not argue over custody.her child has gone with mum and that's that.. i will see her but she obviously will be with her mum and her family.That is a big advantage my wife has, a big family.And her parents here backing her!
BewitchedandBothered Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 So typical for women... Just do not know what to say, I know how it is, I was devastated in a similar way just some time ago. Go home and let your pain out, greave it out. Do this everytime you are alone, try to let go. Leave your job and totally disappear from her sight. No body can tell you how this is going to end (reunite or break) but you need to be strong now. Hang on, show to the world that you are a man and are strong. Pretend like nothing happened. It is hard, I know but you do not have too much choice right now... P.S. 9 months affair is very long time, she cut the strings long time ago and has been ready to leave you since then without second thought... Heavy words but true. Show her what it is to live without you. Do not be there for her. typical for woman? What was she having an affair with? A lampshade?
findingnemo Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 her parents were here pre 911...after that it became very difficult to gain residency in the US.Our visa were obtained while we were here, it gives you work rights for yourself in your own company, but if you leave, the visa is waived.We had friends on the same thing they went home, and couldn't come back in , turned away at the airport in us and sent back home ..barred from the US ..for 15 years.. I'M JUST CLINGING ON i know it's pathetic..I will move on , but for now .i can't ..... i WILL get a place for my daughter and i .WE WILL be good, she can see mum when she wants, our child is ours and we will not argue over custody.her child has gone with mum and that's that.. i will see her but she obviously will be with her mum and her family.That is a big advantage my wife has, a big family.And her parents here backing her! I'd suggest you go to the USCIS or whatever it's called now (Immigration) website and check. I think you lose your visa if you leave for a certain amount of time. If instead you relinquish it by filling in a form, then you can get normal visitors' visas. Or you can apply for a re-entry permit. I don't remember. Just check so that you know your options. It's not pathetic to cling on. Right now you've been blindsided. I'd advise you to cling on until you have a plan. Whatever the case, you need to see both an immigration lawyer now and a corporate lawyer. Maybe you can find one firm which can handle all the issues you have. When I lived in the States and needed help, I found an American who was originally from my country. He was great!! So try and see what you can find. You never know what you'll discover. So how substantial is your joint shareholding? 10, 20, 5%? Prepare to take all the evidence with you. I hate to tell you this but with your family a continent away, you are in serious trouble and could lose your job/business. For you, this should jolt you into action right away. You can deal with the emotional issues later. Don't let yourself waste time and get stranded in a foreign country with a broken heart to boot. I'm sorry you have to go through this.
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