why the need to see if I'm ok. shouldnt you worry about yourself.

[k100danny]

Me and my ex had been arguing on and off since the start of our relationship. she was very needy and acted out a lot. We had started to rift apart this last month for various reasons mainly because i stopped appologising when i idnt feel i was in the wrong and stopped reacting to her controlling behaviour and letting her get her own way all the time. I was just fed up. Anyway she called and said I think you know what is coming (obviously the we are not working thing she has said lots of times but this time i actually agreed) anyway we say we will just leave it, not text or talk and try to be civilized about it. We do exchange a couple of texts. I say i do love her and care but it has just changed and i cant be arguiing all the time, it is causing me stress and to feel like im walking on eggshells and that i have feelngs too and i think in a loving relatiosnhip respect is key and She didnt show me that respect so i think she is better off finding someone that makes her feel secure and safe. I wished her well and said i hope she had a great time on her travels (she is travelling for the summer) I said that hopefully we will see each other some time in the future and told her to take care of herself.

 

anyway, she saw me last night, I kind of caught a glance of her but didnt look and she text me saying, ive just seen you i hope you are ok? X

 

I replied saying im fine and i was annoyed she had text, i said i wonder about her too but this will just make it harder, she says sorry and we leave it at that.

 

Today I was going about my day and got another text message saying. I feel so guilty im sorry, I feel like i have broken your heart and I need to know you are ok? X

 

I reply with. Dont feel guilty, We agreed on this, i was sick of feeling like crap and arguing and you obviously werent happy or you wouldnt have felt the need to argue and pick at every detail. I said you should never feel guilty about doing what is best for you and that i am fine with it.

 

She replies with. Im glad you are ok X

 

Why does she care? I mean obviously she is going to feel something but it wasnt like she broke up with me and i was in tears and begging her to stay, I agreed it wasnt working and did nothing to make her feel guilty about it. I really hope this oesn't go on. Maybe im too nice of a guy to say just PISS OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE. I treat her very well during our relationship, I wouldnt say im the model boyfriend but i always consider the other person and treat her like a princess. Maybe this was my downfall, I got basically walked on for a while and should have just said look this is me and if you don't like it then please go because i want to be happy and so do you.

 

I've never had a relationship end like this before it was always harder but i guess this wasnt a suprise and i had already started to drift and doubt it could survive. what should i do just not reply?

[Philosoraptor]

If you do not want to extend your pain then yes, do not reply. You both agreed that it was the end so there is no need to communicate until you both have no feelings greater than friendship.

[Chi townD]

LOL! Why would she care? She already TOLD you! She felt guilty! It wasn't about you, it was about you easing her guilt.

 

Look, I already read one of your past threads and I believe she's moving to Italy for the summer? Doesn't surprise me that you two broke up. You guys were fighting a lot, I've seen this so many times with military marriages and relationships. A couple of months before a big deployment, a lot of couples fight like cats and dogs. It's not because they don't love each other, it's because the know that a deployment is coming. It's easier to leave someone when you're mad at them, or don't think too highly of the relationship, " Oh, he or she is gone? Good! I needed a break from that!"

 

Hurts more if everything is good with the relationship and one has to leave. So, subconiously, people sabotage their own relationships. Weird I know, but it makes sense when you think about it.

[k100danny]

I know she has said why she has text but what im saying is how can you feel guilty for something when the other person totally agrees. you dump someone and they cry ect you feel guilty and bad for them, you say to someone it's not working and they say yes i agree goodbye then you should just get on with it. I wouldnt feel guilty about that, it was hardly out of the blue and I don't think i have ever been this ok with a break up before seriously.

[Philosoraptor]

I know she has said why she has text but what im saying is how can you feel guilty for something when the other person totally agrees. you dump someone and they cry ect you feel guilty and bad for them, you say to someone it's not working and they say yes i agree goodbye then you should just get on with it. I wouldnt feel guilty about that, it was hardly out of the blue and I don't think i have ever been this ok with a break up before seriously.

Just because you didn't act upset doesn't mean she believes what she did wasn't harmful. She feels bad for being the one to have to initiate the breakup. That's all it is so don't worry about it. Her guilt is not on your shoulders.

[Chi townD]

Just because you didn't act upset doesn't mean she believes what she did wasn't harmful. She feels bad for being the one to have to initiate the breakup. That's all it is so don't worry about it. Her guilt is not on your shoulders.

 

 

Agreed. Even if you agree with it. She's the one that pulled the trigger.

[Kamila]

That reminded me of my ex-boyfriend texting me every month to check if I was okay.

Sure, I felt bad, but I wasn't going to do something stupid. Heh.

 

I thought it was nice of him to ask how I was doing.

 

It could also be that he felt guilty for how things ended between us and how he also didn't feel okay.

 

To the OP, if you already texted her that you are okay, don't respond when she asks you again.

Silence works better here.

[k100danny]

After the conversation where i had said she shoudnt feel guilty i am fine ect we just werent working out, I said i was tired and the arguing was dragging me down and people cant be happy if they are arguing.

 

She replied with i thought we broke up just because i was going away? WTF i never said anything about her going away. it was something i wasnt looking forward to but i never asked her not to go travelling and it hadnt come up in the argument. I told her that wasnt the reason, the reason was i wasn't going to try and get us back together not again after about the 10th time then her making out it was my fault after she broke up with me. I said i was fed up, i felt i couldnt make her happy as she was always arguing with me and and complaining. i told her how i felt we had drifted as there is only so many times she can shoot me down and call me names and blame stuff on me until i think its time to stop trying.

 

so then she replies with. Well i guess i know how you feel now. I can now move on without any regret and get on with my life because its obvious how you feel.

 

Is this some kind of mind game? I haven't broken up with her once, sure weve had arguments but I try to argue about what we are actually arguing about but she always goes off subject, ends up telling me i make her feel bad and basically i dont care enough and some pretty harsh names have been thrown at me over the last month or so, then she says it was because we were arguing, she didnt mean it ect. but she never really adresses the problem and admits to any wrong doing it always seems to be my fault.

 

It seems she is trying to get back with me and is using some type of protest behaviour similar to what children do when things arent going their way which doesnt get you anywhere it just makes things worse. any help much appreciated.

[Philosoraptor]

She is doing whatever necessary to convince herself that she made the right decision. Pay no attention to it and continue to move on. She is doing what is necessary to allow herself to move on and you need to do the same.

[Chi townD]

Refer back to my first post....is it NOW making sense?