PrincessLuna Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 I don't know which forum to place this in, it fits a few. I have searched high and low for solutions, suggestions and have found nothing. My partner, is the most amazing girl, the moment we met, things ran like they were on rails, I couldn't possibly love her more than I do.. Thing is she is polygamous. Not to the extent that she sleeps with just anyone, however she does have two other partners, one I know and have become friends with, I bare no malice towards to either of her partners, but every time she goes to them, it feels.. indescribably bad. As though I am being cheated on and dumped all at the same time, and it is getting worse. She spends a lot of time with me and I know she loves me, as much as I love her? I have no idea. Logically, as "all my eggs are in one basket" maybe I place a higher value subconsciously on her than she does me, if that is true, she doesn't show it. I just want the pain to stop before it tears us apart. I cannot find the root of the pain, its not jealousy.. but it must stop. When I hurt, she hurts, and that hurts me even more knowing that my pain causes her pain. I don'[t know what to do.. I give her all of my heart, yet I will never be her one, I will never be her only.. but I love her so much ;_; she is my world. (It is a long distance relationship, the gap shall be closed after college I hope) (She is in her 20's, I am in my 30's, both women) Even online, others comment how good we are together. I thank you for any suggestions.. ~Princess Luna
Arabella Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Move on to find someone who places as much value on you as you do on them. She clearly does not... because if she did, she would not have the need to have two other girlfriends. You deserve better. Also, what makes you think the gap will be closed after college? She has two other people who want her to stay or go somewhere else, why would she move closer to you? This situation has 'heartache' spelled all over it.... -A
joystickd Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 It sounds like you need to show this person the door. There is a lack of respect for you and when that goes the relationship can only go downhill from there
Author PrincessLuna Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 Move on to find someone who places as much value on you as you do on them. She clearly does not... because if she did, she would not have the need to have two other girlfriends. You deserve better. I don't understand polygamy, however I know for some that is their way. It'll tear us apart one day, I just cant conscionably leave the one that I love more than I have ever loved any other, without exhausting all options.
Teal Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 I can appreciate how much it hurts to walk away from someone you love, but: 1) You're not going to become polygamous. 2) She's not going to become monogamous. The part of this that's hurting you - multiple partners of hers - isn't simply going to go away if you bury your head in the sand and wait for something to happen. Finding a middle ground in relationships is good, but there's really no functional middle ground between "I want it to be just the two of us" and "I want it to be more than the two of us." 3
Radu Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 If the roles were reversed, would she like it ? On this, you need to stop it. First of all, you know that in MM and FF relationships STD transfer is 'better' than in MF relationships (heterosexual), so she is putting your health at risk. Are these other 2, women ? If so, it's even worse ... there is no way to guard against HPV, there is no female condom that works for this and i doubt you use dental dams with her. If these 2 are female, are they from her circle of friends or the common circle of friends who happen to be mostly lesbian/bi ? You might also want to mention if you and her are lesbian/bi, you know what reputation bi girls in their early 20's have with gold star lesbians.
serial muse Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 I can appreciate how much it hurts to walk away from someone you love, but: 1) You're not going to become polygamous. 2) She's not going to become monogamous. The part of this that's hurting you - multiple partners of hers - isn't simply going to go away if you bury your head in the sand and wait for something to happen. Finding a middle ground in relationships is good, but there's really no functional middle ground between "I want it to be just the two of us" and "I want it to be more than the two of us." Exactly this.
Author PrincessLuna Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 (edited) We are all lesbians, her partners are old friends of hers. As for her and monogamy, that is a variable, there have been comments and things about the way she feels about it and it isn't out of the question. (Noone is sleeping around, noone has any std's) My last test was only a matter of weeks ago. I know the word polygamy is often used to justify promiscuous behaviour and make it more glamourous than saying several other rather profane terms. Guess I have a lot more thinking to do. Thank you. (It isn't something we ever expected to happen, we are very alike in most ways and it kind of happened naturally.) If you are 100% right about that Teal, there is no other option -_- I just don't know if I have it in me to hurt her in such a way, feel so selfish. Edited April 30, 2012 by PrincessLuna Adding the last sentence
Radu Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Right now, you are not hurting her ... she is hurting you. You have a lifestyle choice (monogamy), she has another lifestyle choice (polygamy). This is a pretty big subject, and her view has been imposed on you ... so who is selfish here ? On a personal level, and this is coming from actually talking to women who identify themselves as bi/lesbians ... unless ever since she was 10 she only was attracted to women's bodies, i don't buy the bi thing anymore (in general and not with your gf). Every girl out there who was unfulfilled at some point has wondered 'how it would be to be with someone who understands my body', and when she tries it out ... bam, she's lesbian. I can't help but see a huge discrepancy between the huge nr of women who claim bi/lesbian status and the relatively small nr of men who claim the same status. PS: Sorry you are going through this, this is why some men have love/hate relationship with women ... they are attracted to them but they are kinda sick of stuff like this (not that it happens often).
serial muse Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 If you are 100% right about that Teal, there is no other option -_- I just don't know if I have it in me to hurt her in such a way, feel so selfish. I understand why you're thinking about it that way - but you're not being selfish by having boundaries - any more than she is being selfish by having hers. It's not selfish to know and want what's good for you emotionally. After all, that's what she is asking for - do you think it's selfish of her? All I'm saying is, don't feel compelled to go overboard in empathizing with someone else's needs to the point of neglecting your own. You can accept that this is who she is without judgment, but also without judging yourself. If you believe - and it seems you do - that what she wants is not selfish but is merely true to herself, then why not see yourself in that same light? It's a shame, but people are incompatible in all sorts of ways, and relationships fall apart for many different reasons. You can still love someone, but just be on different pages. 1
The Great Gazoo Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 If you're not married the correct term is polyamorous not polygamous... just saying. 2
Author PrincessLuna Posted May 1, 2012 Author Posted May 1, 2012 If you're not married the correct term is polyamorous not polygamous... just saying. I am aware of the correct terms, however I am also aware of the common misinterpretations and I was not posting here to inspire debate of the English language. Polygamy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia I wrote it to be understood. (Also, considering the term polygamy, although incorrect in these circumstances, is widely used, this makes it more searchable) Just saying...
Radu Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 I understand why you're thinking about it that way - but you're not being selfish by having boundaries - any more than she is being selfish by having hers. It's not selfish to know and want what's good for you emotionally. After all, that's what she is asking for - do you think it's selfish of her? All I'm saying is, don't feel compelled to go overboard in empathizing with someone else's needs to the point of neglecting your own. You can accept that this is who she is without judgment, but also without judging yourself. If you believe - and it seems you do - that what she wants is not selfish but is merely true to herself, then why not see yourself in that same light? It's a shame, but people are incompatible in all sorts of ways, and relationships fall apart for many different reasons. You can still love someone, but just be on different pages. The bolded part is a tactic used by ppl who have good negociating skills, used both in professional and love life. This is very good advice. If you give up your own happiness for someone else/relationship than you will end up resentfull of that person eventually. Just ask the many men and women who remained in marriages for 'their kids' or 'for the sanctity of marriage'.
Author PrincessLuna Posted May 1, 2012 Author Posted May 1, 2012 (Also not here discussing our sexualities, as Radu seems adamant to do. -_- We are lesbians because we are. Radu it is hard not to take offence to your comments, noone needs to hear your derogatory comments on women and "stuff like this". If you can't be constructive , on topic and not intentionally offensive, don't post.) (Yes, I know that is a double negative) I was purely after ideas so I can work with what is happening as I do love her with all of my heart, it is obvious that I do not want to leave her.
Radu Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 I think it affects a bit the situation, though i guess that my reality is not necesarily your reality. If it was insulting, i'm deeply sorry. -- If you end up giving your own happiness for her happiness, you will end up resenting her, and from personal experience ... it's a bad place to be in. The way i see it, there are 4 possibilities : 1 - you two break up because of incompatibility 2 - you give in to her ideea of relationships (what is happening now) 3 - she gives in to your ideea of relationships 4 - you two reach a compromise and meet halfway 3 is your ideeal but long term i think she will feel as you feel now. 4 means that she you will feel less of what you feel now, but she can experience part of what you experience now. -- I realize this is not what you want, you want to know how you can push the pain down, or get her to see you as her only one. But read your OP again, the pain is obvious and even if you do find a way to push it down, it will only explode with a lot of force in the future. I assume it's her college, not yours. -- If you do want to push it down, i would try to focus only on the moments you have with her, to replace the bad thoughts with the happy memory when it comes down. Maybe even attempt a psychological anchor (look up anchoring and NLP on wikipedia) with one of those happy memories. You might have to do this every day. However, even if you manage to do this, i'm afraid it's only going to make your feelings for her grow even stronger ... and if one of those bad thoughts ends up being too powerfull to dismiss this way, it could be bad. PS: Sorry again if my comments ended up hurting you. 1
Author PrincessLuna Posted May 1, 2012 Author Posted May 1, 2012 (edited) Thank you for your post. Myself, I hear a lot of anti male sentiment, and do admit I have somewhat of a biased opinion in regards to male behaviour. Neither my gf or I question our sexuality in any way, and as we both prefer the company of women, it is safe to say that we prefer the female psyche. It is myself who is attending college, it is also her that is coming more around to my way of thinking, I am looking at all options, however (If it was possible) if I was to become polygamous, I would feel like I am cheating on her, even though I know she does not feel this way. I can't do it to her. I have looked at why I feel this way and can only come to the conclusion that I am purely monogamous. If we break up because we tried and failed, so be it. I refuse to break up without giving it my all. She is worth the pain, however as you mentioned, resentment is a danger and by the time it is known, it is too late. Thank you for your suggestions. My lack of ability to comprehend her being poly I guess contributes to it, the more she and I talk about it, the more I do realise that she loves me a hell of a lot, and the more hope I have that this can work. Edited May 1, 2012 by PrincessLuna
Els Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 If the roles were reversed, would she like it ? On this, you need to stop it. First of all, you know that in MM and FF relationships STD transfer is 'better' than in MF relationships (heterosexual), so she is putting your health at risk. Would you like to quote your sources? MM relationships are more prone to STD transfer only because they tend to utilize anal sex more than the average MF couple does. That is the only reason - gender has nothing to do with it. In FF relationships, STD transfer would technically be less likely than MF, because there is no direct anatomical penetration or transfer of sexual fluids. A woman going down on a woman would pose exactly the same STD threat as that of a man going down on a woman. Homosexuals are 'perceived' to have greater rates of STD transfer simply because people who are sexually open enough to embrace their homosexuality are more likely to be less sexually guarded. Of course, one partner being polygamous definitely increases the risks of STD.
Emilia Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 If you are 100% right about that Teal, there is no other option -_- I just don't know if I have it in me to hurt her in such a way, feel so selfish. This is what annoys me about my own sex. It's so easy to take advantage of some women because they think like this. I think - as serial muse pointed out in another post - you want to be careful whom you feel compassion towards and how understanding you are. Sometimes men are right when they turn down their empathy volume.
Eclypse Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 For me personally, if I knew my girlfriend was going over to someone else's place (male or female) to cuddle, kiss and what not I would be devastated. My heart would be literally ripped out each time she left and I wouldn't be able to touch her when she came back without mind movies playing all the time about what she might have done. For me that is an untenable position and I'd leave the relationship. Based on what you've said that's what I'd recommend here. If you think you can ignore it and move on, then I wish you luck and hope the best
Emilia Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 unless ever since she was 10 she only was attracted to women's bodies, i don't buy the bi thing anymore (in general and not with your gf). Every girl out there who was unfulfilled at some point has wondered 'how it would be to be with someone who understands my body', and when she tries it out ... bam, she's lesbian. I can't help but see a huge discrepancy between the huge nr of women who claim bi/lesbian status and the relatively small nr of men who claim the same status. That's because women don't have a penis (unless they strap one on) so no-one gets a big surprise first thing in the morning. No testosterone either therefore sexual aggression is lower. There is no risk for two girls to sleep in the same bed and play around while obviously there could be somewhat painful consequences for a man if he changed his mind. Pretty much this is my theory on the large female bisexual population who 'grow out of it' by their late 20s.
Author PrincessLuna Posted May 1, 2012 Author Posted May 1, 2012 (edited) I would just like to remind people that STD's don't appear out of thin air, if noone is sleeping around, whether there is 2 or 200 in "the relationship", if everyone is clean and noone is introducing outside risk factors.. The chance of contracting an STD is near 0 (You can contract hepatitis from other sources, .06% chance I read) Depending on position, vaginal sexual transfer of fluids between females can occur easily. Sadly, it appears its "hot" to be bi. Guys, just don't to it for me. Physically, mentally.. just no. Edited May 1, 2012 by PrincessLuna
Els Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 I would just like to remind people that STD's don't appear out of thin air, if noone is sleeping around, whether there is 2 or 200 in "the relationship", if everyone is clean and noone is introducing outside risk factors.. The chance of contracting an STD is near 0 (You can contract hepatitis from other sources, .06% chance I read) Depending on position, vaginal sexual transfer of fluids between females can occur easily. Sadly, it appears its "hot" to be bi. Guys, just don't to it for me. Physically, mentally.. just no. Yes, but you don't know that the people your partner is currently sleeping with are 'clean', do you? I'm not saying transfer between women cannot happen. Obviously it can, and that makes polygamy a concern. There is no additional risk for FF compared to MF, however.
Radu Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 Condoms are what changes the odds Elswyth (i use them even in LTR), if there was a way to talk over PM, i'll send you a message ... let's not derail the thread any further.
Author PrincessLuna Posted May 1, 2012 Author Posted May 1, 2012 Yes, but you don't know that the people your partner is currently sleeping with are 'clean', do you? She is only sexually with one, whom is clean, so yes.. Long term partner.
ThatDudeXO Posted May 1, 2012 Posted May 1, 2012 Your title says it all. You simply don't match, so I suggest you cut it off and find someone who is more suitable for you. It's that simple but it's easier said than done as the heart is not a simple thing.
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