Tell tale signs of an A...

[findingnemo]

He's a POS, Steen. I'm so glad you're indifferent to him now. "Good riddance to bad rubbish" as my mother likes to say of my H.

[Steen719]

Yes, findingnemo. It is so hard for me to believe that I grieved over our divorce. It sure tells you what time and distance can do for perspective, doesn't it?

[findingnemo]

TBK, about the movie. I would recommend it depending on what kind of movies you like. Most guys I know can't stand Tyler Perry's movies although I'd recommend "Good Deeds". That one seems okay. "Why I got Married 1 & 2" are, IMO, chick flicks. But they do deal with Ms and the idiosyncrasies encountered.

[SomedayDig]

Unfortunately, as a pilot I was gone most of the time and when I was home she exhibited no sign whatsoever of an affair. She was a damn good liar. I've been away from flying since October and I could sense her distance. Yes, while I was gone it seemed that I was constantly the source of any relationship issues and I took them to heart and tried my damnedest to figure out a solution. I never found one because SHE was the problem. Her betrayal and deceit was the problem. Funny though, that I was home for only 5 months and caught her 5 year affair. I try not to second guess my career choice, but f_ck, man...it's really hard to NOT wonder if this would've happened if I had been home more often.

[xenomorph]

• Suddenly starts asking what time you'll be getting home after work each evening.
  

This went over my head at first, but looking back, I now see it for what it was: checking up to see what time he needed to put on his "everything is ok, here's dinner" act when I got home from work.

 

After doing some reading on the subject, turns out this is a HUGE tell for both affairs and emotional affairs. Sudden interest in your daily schedule so that dinner is ready when you're home isn't as loving as it comes off. If this happens to you, lie about coming home late and show up during your lunch hour

[standtall]

• Suddenly starts asking what time you'll be getting home after work each evening.
  

Sudden interest in your daily schedule so that dinner is ready when you're home isn't as loving as it comes off. If this happens to you, lie about coming home late and show up during your lunch hour

 

Let me get this. If your married and all of a sudden your spouse starts taking an interest in your schedule, then you're supposed to start lying and deceiving them? Wow, that is really going to nurture the marriage.

[findingnemo]

Unfortunately, as a pilot I was gone most of the time and when I was home she exhibited no sign whatsoever of an affair. She was a damn good liar. I've been away from flying since October and I could sense her distance. Yes, while I was gone it seemed that I was constantly the source of any relationship issues and I took them to heart and tried my damnedest to figure out a solution. I never found one because SHE was the problem. Her betrayal and deceit was the problem. Funny though, that I was home for only 5 months and caught her 5 year affair. I try not to second guess my career choice, but f_ck, man...it's really hard to NOT wonder if this would've happened if I had been home more often.

 

I don't think it's a factor of being home vs being away. I'm sure not all pilot's Ws cheat. The whole thing about saying one's spouse was away all the time seems like an excuse. Unless you became a pilot post M, and she vehemently disagreed with you doing so, it doesn't make any sense.

 

What I've never heard is a cheater saying they cheated for the sake of cheating, or because the opportunity arose. There's always something they can say to point the finger at the BS.

[findingnemo]

Let me get this. If your married and all of a sudden your spouse starts taking an interest in your schedule, then you're supposed to start lying and deceiving them? Wow, that is really going to nurture the marriage.

 

I thought Xe meant that when they develop a sudden interest in your every move it's so that they can schedule their shenanigans while you're away.

[xenomorph]

What findingnemo said.

Maybe I didn't make myself clear, but a spouse suddenly becoming /really/ interested in what time you'll be home on a daily basis when that wasn't the case before in the grand scheme of the marriage is a pretty big red flag. Hindsight is 20/20, of course.

[Radu]

Agreed, very very big flag if it doesn't end up in a surprise party or something.

[beenburned]

About the sudden interest in the BS's schedule:

 

I was a SAHM during the time my H was cheating.

 

His job is delivery/sales and his route is different everyday. All of the 3 OW were located at different businesses on his routes.

 

He suddenly started calling to find out where I was all during my day. It was because he was seeing the OW during that time and wanted to be sure he didn't get caught. They had sex at the businesses in the back room or her car.

[beenburned]

I thought of more to add to Kathy's list.

 

My H was never without gum, breathmints, or chapstick!

[SoMovinOn]

I suppose one of the most correct answers, since marriages and relationships are different is to say that *any* change, especially any number of changes, should lead one to question what brought about that change.

[Ninja'sHusband]

To add to TBK's..here' another WW.

 

1. Stayed out later and more often after MA class. (groups of them would often go eat out pre-A)

2. Lied about how late she had been. I'd be on the computer after DD went to bed...would search the house for WW, no sign. Then I'd come out 20 min later, she'd be home. I'd make a comment about how late she'd been home and she'd bee like "I've been home for AGES!!!" Gaslighting anyone? It was totally creepy... Oh and saying I was super suspicious and probing...when I really wasn't. Made minor comments about time.

3. When I asked for a friend of her's cell phone number to call if I couldn't reach her after midnight, WW FREAKED OUT!!! Finally got the number, but she never stayed out past midnight again.

4. Seemed irritable when having sex. She claims he was no better than me...but I remember her trying weird things and getting a little edgy about things not going the way she wanted anymore.

5. Talk saying "things may get all topsy turvy in the next year"...supposedly referring to how much time her Masters program would take...yeah that's what was going to kill us...nevermind you ****ing some other guy for 4 months and getting pregnant

6. Talk about "all couples" being screwed up...when I thought we were doing ok.

7. Talk about people not being naturally monogamous.

8. Driving with another guy to an event and being REALLY REALLY careful about getting my permission to do it. She made a huge deal about how he was married with kids so it was safe

9. Lots of sarcastic critical but playful remarks aimed at me. At the time I actually enjoyed it, thought it was funny. Now I think it was serious. She hasn't used that kind of humor since D-Day.

10. This is Pre-A...but it still bugged me. She would dress up nice to go to a class where she was just going to change into her MA gear. I made comments about this enough to wear she stopped doing it, before the A even started to my knowledge.

 

A common one on cheating lists is when a WW shaves down "there"... My WW does this, but I'm not 100% sure it was a sign. She's gradually done that more and more as she's aged, and gotten hairier

 

I really had a lot of signs...should have totally been more on my guard. I simply trusted her and ignored it all...=\ My father was openly suspicious to me back in Sept. and MIL was obviously suspicious and disapproving of my WW's later arrivals at night..and general time spent away from the home with a bunch of guys.

Edited May 1, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband

[The Blue Knight]

Yes, findingnemo. It is so hard for me to believe that I grieved over our divorce. It sure tells you what time and distance can do for perspective, doesn't it?

Steen, it's hard to gain perspective when you're in the midst of the emotional vortex that marriage brings. It's happened to all of us. You're certainly not the only one who delayed making decisions about ending a bad marriage, and you won't be the last I'm sorry to say.

[The Blue Knight]

TBK, about the movie. I would recommend it depending on what kind of movies you like. Most guys I know can't stand Tyler Perry's movies although I'd recommend "Good Deeds". That one seems okay. "Why I got Married 1 & 2" are, IMO, chick flicks. But they do deal with Ms and the idiosyncrasies encountered.

I'm not sure if I've even seen a Tyler Perry movie. But I do enjoy a good chick flick. I'm one of those rare guys who does. I know that's not macho and I'm not suppose to admit that for fear my man-peers will take me to task. I just happen to enjoy a good romantic comedy.

[The Blue Knight]

Unfortunately, as a pilot I was gone most of the time and when I was home she exhibited no sign whatsoever of an affair. She was a damn good liar. I've been away from flying since October and I could sense her distance. Yes, while I was gone it seemed that I was constantly the source of any relationship issues and I took them to heart and tried my damnedest to figure out a solution. I never found one because SHE was the problem. Her betrayal and deceit was the problem. Funny though, that I was home for only 5 months and caught her 5 year affair. I try not to second guess my career choice, but f_ck, man...it's really hard to NOT wonder if this would've happened if I had been home more often.

SD, you bring up a good point and I even questioned that with my first marriage and the affair my wife had. Working overnights and middle-shifts is tough on a family. You miss a lot.

 

I came to realize shortly after the divorce that this wasn't about me as much as it was about her and her issues. I never doubted my career choice again after that.

 

And beginning five years ago I moved to day-shift because that put me at home just about each evening of the week. Plus I got to sleep like a normal person (when the sun goes down). I wouldn't beat yourself up over that. I don't know you're whole story, but it sounds like "she" was the problem and this probably would have happened either way sooner or later.

[Steen719]

Steen, it's hard to gain perspective when you're in the midst of the emotional vortex that marriage brings. It's happened to all of us. You're certainly not the only one who delayed making decisions about ending a bad marriage, and you won't be the last I'm sorry to say.

 

Very true....absence makes the mind grow stronger!!!

[Steen719]

Unfortunately, as a pilot I was gone most of the time and when I was home she exhibited no sign whatsoever of an affair. She was a damn good liar. I've been away from flying since October and I could sense her distance. Yes, while I was gone it seemed that I was constantly the source of any relationship issues and I took them to heart and tried my damnedest to figure out a solution. I never found one because SHE was the problem. Her betrayal and deceit was the problem. Funny though, that I was home for only 5 months and caught her 5 year affair. I try not to second guess my career choice, but f_ck, man...it's really hard to NOT wonder if this would've happened if I had been home more often.

 

No, no, no....it was not your career. Many people are faithful when spouses are away. And many people use any reason to justify what they do, when the truth is, they made bad decisions. They rationalize in order to make them not be responsible for their actions. Don't question it. I can understand wanting your spouse to be with you most of the time, but I have been in LDR (I know...not it is not the same as marriage in LDR) and it was pretty darn exciting when we were together....of course, I was younger...ha ha. And unless, like findingnemo said, you became a pilot after marriage over her objections, she used it as an excuse.

[SomedayDig]

findingnemo, TBK and Steen...thank you guys (that's how we say it in my neck of the woods - not ya'll). Today's been a tough day being the 8 week mark. I'll chat more about it tomorrow. But thanks.

[wellwhynot]

I know a woman who woke up one day a few years short of her 40th birthday and thought to herself, this is NOT who I want to be when I turn 40. She looked at her husband and thought I am so in love with him, he deserves a better me than the one I am giving him.

She enrolled in courses at school so that she could have a better career, which would enable her to have a better life with her husband, not just financially but in quality of their life, less stress from a job they both hated her having, etc.

She made some new friends and found that it was wonderful to have others to talk to who didn't want to focus on the past or only the potty training years. (The couple was childless)

She began working out diligently and eating better and got a better hair cut and some direction with makeup and look fabulous.

She decided that spending time with some of her friends and their family members only made her feel bad, that tehy were so focused on negativivity that it brought her to uncomfortable places in her head, so she began declining invitations unless she HAD to go to those get togethers.

She got her degree, a fantastic job and looked better and was happier than she had been in years. She was assigned a cell phone he wasn't allowed to play with, but had he ever asked, she'd have happily let him look through it.

Her husband decided she must be chetaing on him.

She was dumbfounded, she had done it for them because she wanted to be proud of herself and him to be proud to have her on his arm.

He was unable to find any evidence because there never was a shred to find, but to this day he won't accept that.

He's an idiot and doesn't deserve my best friend.

 

I told you this because according to your list...

You can tell if your spouse is having an affair by the following:

 

They are nice to you, or they are a jerk.

They make changes in their appearance, even if you've been asking them to.

They have a cell phone that they don't want you touching, even if it might be a condition of their employment that no one else has access to their sensitive data. I know my human resources company doesn't have a "except of course your spouse because we know they feel the need to know everything"

They work shifts that you don't like, even though it might be what you as a family needs.

They make new friends.

They decide to not talk to people that they have found to be undesireable company for years.

They talk online, aren't ALL of YOU doing that right now?

I'm just asking because it seems as if according to this, anything anyone does must be a sign of cheating.

[Looknfoward]

I told you this because according to your list...

You can tell if your spouse is having an affair by the following:

 

They are nice to you, or they are a jerk.

They make changes in their appearance, even if you've been asking them to.

They have a cell phone that they don't want you touching, even if it might be a condition of their employment that no one else has access to their sensitive data. I know my human resources company doesn't have a "except of course your spouse because we know they feel the need to know everything"

They work shifts that you don't like, even though it might be what you as a family needs.

They make new friends.

They decide to not talk to people that they have found to be undesireable company for years.

They talk online, aren't ALL of YOU doing that right now?

I'm just asking because it seems as if according to this, anything anyone does must be a sign of cheating.

 

I think for the vast majority, these dramatic changes mean cheating

 

My W started acting extremely distant

I couldn't even sleep right next to her, she would say I made her hot

 

She stayed out later and later

 

She seemed to resent me

 

She said she was missing something and needed a change in her life

 

She contemplated a name change

 

She didn't like to join our daughter and in activities

 

She showered immediately after coming home

 

She stopped telling me what.days she worked

 

She stopped calling me after she got off

 

and of course the cell phone was like her most valuable possession

[wellwhynot]

I think for the vast majority, these dramatic changes mean cheating

 

My W started acting extremely distant

I couldn't even sleep right next to her, she would say I made her hot

 

She stayed out later and later

 

She seemed to resent me

 

She said she was missing something and needed a change in her life

 

She contemplated a name change

 

She didn't like to join our daughter and in activities

 

She showered immediately after coming home

 

She stopped telling me what.days she worked

 

She stopped calling me after she got off

 

and of course the cell phone was like her most valuable possession

 

It makes sense, I was just showing a different perspective because I don't think there can ever be a LIST of what shows an affair. I know maybe people say don't confront, don't ask, but if someone starts working out suddenly, why not ask about that? What prompted it? Wouldn't that be a healthy place to start? Or even something similiar to "It makes me feel like you are hiding something the way you act with your phone, why do you do that?"

[donnamaybe]

It makes sense, I was just showing a different perspective because I don't think there can ever be a LIST of what shows an affair. I know maybe people say don't confront, don't ask, but if someone starts working out suddenly, why not ask about that? What prompted it? Wouldn't that be a healthy place to start? Or even something similiar to "It makes me feel like you are hiding something the way you act with your phone, why do you do that?"

I would be willing to bet that is what people do. Most people would give an honest answer, life would go on, and neither of them would be discussing an A on LS. But a cheater, when asked, would lie lie lie! In that case, you ask, you get lies, you eventually discover the A, and you come to LS and compile a list with fellow posters.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I told you this because according to your list...

You can tell if your spouse is having an affair by the following:

 

They are nice to you, or they are a jerk.

They make changes in their appearance, even if you've been asking them to.

They have a cell phone that they don't want you touching, even if it might be a condition of their employment that no one else has access to their sensitive data. I know my human resources company doesn't have a "except of course your spouse because we know they feel the need to know everything"

They work shifts that you don't like, even though it might be what you as a family needs.

They make new friends.

They decide to not talk to people that they have found to be undesireable company for years.

They talk online, aren't ALL of YOU doing that right now?

I'm just asking because it seems as if according to this, anything anyone does must be a sign of cheating.

 

Of course there will be exceptions to rule. However, that does not negate the standard rule. In the end, it is a "gut feeling" that something is "off". As loyal spouses we give our mates the benefit of the doubt. That's what BS do, trust our partners. We didn't get married anticipating that our WS will cheat on us.

 

The fact remains the same that there are tendencies that "make you go Hmm" (C+C Factory reference).