Tell tale signs of an A...

April 30, 2012

I bet this has been discussed before but not lately since I can't seem to find a related thread.

I know that when a Dday happens, the BS is blindsided. However when they look back, they always remember things that should have been red flags. And once you've been a BS, you're kind of tuned in to these things. What, in hindsight, did you see as signs of your WS having an A?

Let me start with my M:

1. My H started being really nice to me. Offering me gifts out of the blue, being extra agreeable about what the kids wanted, taking us out more. He became too nice for no reason...ie. until I found out, then he turned nasty.

2. Took showers before leaving for "meetings" in the evening.

3. Suddenly had new colognes...

4. Tried odd-ish sex moves

5. Developed a need to travel first and business class (never cared much about it before)

6. Always had new music in his car, the latest stuff yet was an avid oldies fan.

7. Was known to Maitre Ds in restaurants we hadn't been to before.

8. Developed a renewed love for nightclubs

Stupid me, I thought he was being nice and agreeable just because. And even when it happened again, I didn't realize it was for the same reason it had happened before. No major gas lighting, rather the opposite except on very few occasions. His As actually made him a nicer person to be around most of the time. Not that I thought so when I discovered them.

I'm sure the signs are different for many. Tell us your experience.

April 30, 2012

Hmm...grew distant, snappish, moody. We chalked it up to job stress. Stupid us.

Same as you, showered, dressed nice for evening meetings.

Guarded his cell phone like it was the Hope Diamond.

Same odd-ish and new sex moves!

Began to view porn daily (I only discovered later.) Trawled some classmate sites, began to chat with old female acquaintances and girlfriends.

Had his car washed ALL THE TIME. Told me it was to keep up appearances with the hoi polloi he was meeting.

Had a job site where cell phone service was impossible. Went there once a month.

Let me think on some more....

April 30, 2012

Stopped asking me to accompany him on overseas business trips (one country in particular)
Came home from business trips with lots of new things that he'd apparently bought for himself
Guarded mobile, email and laptop like a hawk
Grew distant, irritable and impatient
Reduced physical affection and "I love you"
Refused to tell me what was on his mind
Stayed late at the office and claimed it was due to waiting for traffic to die down
Office staff told me about suspicious behaviour with new female staff members
Stopped doing the little things that showed he cared
Came home from work and barely spoke a word to each other
Spent more time socialising with family, friends and work colleagues without me
Stopped sharing meals together
Felt more like roomates

Final straw was when he blew up at me because I'd connected up my laptop to the internet in our hotel room and he couldn't connect his (to check his email) - hotel had a one internet access per room policy, which we didn't know about.

April 30, 2012

Installs a bunch of new applications on their smart phone (so many ways to communicate these days)

Starts consistently spending more time preparing themselves in the morning

Starts dieting or exercising kind of out of the blue (eg not at start of year, as the result of joint discussions about need to get in shape, etc)

Takes interest in sports or new things which don't seem in character

Starts staying up later than usual

Knows a lot about TV shows or movies you haven't watched together

Common point about all these things is they start somewhat out of the blue and then are done consistently and with greater enthusiasm than you might expect esp if the activity is something you know they haven't done in the past. It's kind of like a 180 except with the opposite goal in mind...

April 30, 2012

Hmm...grew distant, snappish, moody. We chalked it up to job stress. Stupid us.

Same as you, showered, dressed nice for evening meetings.

Guarded his cell phone like it was the Hope Diamond.

Same odd-ish and new sex moves!

Began to view porn daily (I only discovered later.) Trawled some classmate sites, began to chat with old female acquaintances and girlfriends.

Had his car washed ALL THE TIME. Told me it was to keep up appearances with the hoi polloi he was meeting.

Had a job site where cell phone service was impossible. Went there once a month.

Let me think on some more....

Yeah, while mine was all flowers and smiles yours was snappy.

I forgot about the phone. Not that I ever was interested but before the A, his phone was always on, he'd pick up and say he was in a meeting or call me right back. During the As, it was suddenly often unavailable!!

April 30, 2012

Started being 'off', I put it down to stress and him just being back from Iraq. The usual thing we did was I gave him some space to find his feet again. This time, it took far longer and he was acting very odd, but wouldn't talk about it.

Would spark off arguments for nothing at all, I truly thought I was going mad as he would deny anything was wrong and that he hadn't done or said anything untoward.

The phone, the dammed phone that he took everywhere, even to the toilet. I so do not get what is so good about being text while someone has to go to the toilet to do it.

He stopped calling me by his pet name for me and kept saying he was a bad person and that I would be better off without him, yet when I said OK, let's talk about it, would say he couldn't imagine life without me.

He became a different person, to me, to friends and to our son, all in all he was a toal pain in the a***. I asked if there was anyone else and he denied, because I was one of the it will never happen to us, he has integrity, I trust him etc etc blah bla I was blindsided. Never, ever say never ever.

April 30, 2012

January2011, that's so sad. Basic gas lighting, acting like you were the problem. Are you still M? (Sorry I don't know your back story).

AFH, I agree with you. The WS suddenly develops interests that are different, hip even (especially if they are seeing younger people), becomes more self aware as if to impress someone all over again. Arrrrgh!!

You know Spark and Seren, I just don't know how you did it. Sometimes I wonder though if because the WHs feel guilty they treat you worse than if they don't? I could be grasping at straws. It just seems to me that the unrepentant ones had a much better time having As (psychos, I know) and exhibited happiness. Oh never mind...I don't know how to describe it. I'll think about it some more.

April 30, 2012

January2011, that's so sad. Basic gas lighting, acting like you were the problem. Are you still M? (Sorry I don't know your back story).

It was an LTR of 10+ years. He proposed a few times but I said no - relationship was on its way out. I think both of us had fallen out of love with each other but neither wanted to deal with the elephant in the room. His affair was his escape plan. They're married now, from what I hear.

My impression is that most (if not all) BSs get treated as though they're the problem and are standing in the way of the WS's and AP's happiness.

April 30, 2012

There was a lot going in in the past couple of years.

My father was battling colon cancer.

Typical issues with teenaged children.

Husband promoted, his new position requiring more travel.

I was juggling all this while also working and taking on a bigger load.

In hindsight, I see the pattern of husband being irritable and snappish before leaving for business trip and returning with thoughtful gifts for me.

He became moodier at home, spent less time with the kids, complained about all the stress with his new job.

Then for a few weeks, the best husband and dad, back and forth, with this behavior.

Sex was also on a roller coaster ride, great and then wane, back and forth.

Nothing really shouted in my ear that he was in an affair I still have a hard time believing that this really happened.

April 30, 2012

So far it's all females posting. Let me balance it out some. For me it was a lot of very small and insignificant things that didn't add up. Keeping in mind that we didn't have computers or cell phones when this happened so it took a bit more detective work.

Dressed kind of sexy one night to go out with "girlfriends" which struck me as strange at the time
Had a hard time making eye contact when we'd talk
Complained that she just felt down and depressed for no particular reason which she could explain when I'd press her about it
Seemed emotionally and physically distant

The first affair I figured it out the same day she stepped off the airplane. I picked her up and I knew almost from the moment I saw her at the gate that she wasn't the same person I put on the airplane two weeks earlier. Her stature, bodily posture, the way she held herself, all seemed different. By that evening I had a full confession.

The second time around three years later, a local guy, and more subtle this time around. Took me about two weeks to discover that one.

I can detect minute personality changes like a dog senses the weather changing.

April 30, 2012

Yeah, while mine was all flowers and smiles yours was snappy.

Nemo, I would conclude the difference being that a serial cheater is a schmoozer who plays everyone, including his wife. That would be your husband. Those who are not "routine cheaters" oftentimes feel stuck in a marriage and either want out and feel stuck, or they don't know what they want to do, so they lash out at the spouse for little to no reason.

April 30, 2012

January, you may be right about how most BS' act. My H has serious psycho tendencies so I'm not surprised that he acted a bit differently. The good thing about yours being an LTR, you didn't have to deal with lawyers and such, right? I hope it was a clean break for you.

(((((((Furious)))))) I think it takes a while to figure put how differently they act. However, noticing the new man didn't in any way prepare me for the Dday 1. It didn't make subsequent Ddays any easier either. It was like I was dense or something because I'd only figure it out after the fact. "Oh, no wonder he did this, and did that, and said such and such."

April 30, 2012

January, you may be right about how most BS' act. My H has serious psycho tendencies so I'm not surprised that he acted a bit differently. The good thing about yours being an LTR, you didn't have to deal with lawyers and such, right? I hope it was a clean break for you.

Nope, financial ties that still haven't been severed. So we're LC. I don't want to derail your thread further with my story but really appreciate you taking the time to ask. I think that for all of us looking back with hindsight, the signs were all there.

April 30, 2012

My husband started chatting online a huge amount, which was something he'd never really done before. Up until then, he'd had no problem with me looking at his facebook with him, and he'd do it with mine. all of a sudden, that was a "no -no".

We'd almost always go to bed at the same time, but all of a sudden, he was staying up late downstairs on our computer ( told me he was playing some game or other, but if I went down to talk, he'd be online)

I figured that he was stressed out about some things ( work, our kids, issues with his family, etc.). He finally told me that he was chatting online with a girl from work, but they were "just friends"...

I feel really silly now, as I believed that. I trusted him that he wouldn't cheat, and I figured that she since she knew we were married that nothing would happen, as why would a single girl want to be with a married guy ( dumb of me, i know)

his behavior started changing...he got grumpy and was very short tempered, then he'd tell me I was acting "moody". He was also short tempered with our kids, but again, I chalked it up to other things.

April 30, 2012

Nemo, I would conclude the difference being that a serial cheater is a schmoozer who plays everyone, including his wife. That would be your husband. Those who are not "routine cheaters" oftentimes feel stuck in a marriage and either want out and feel stuck, or they don't know what they want to do, so they lash out at the spouse for little to no reason.

Thanks, TBK. You explained my thinking better than I could!!! And thanks for giving a man's perspective. Reminds me of that movie "Why did I get Married 2" where Tyler Perry while attempting to make love to his W senses something was wrong. Or was it that she whispered another man's name? Can't quite remember.

I think that's it. Some, if not most, gas light but others act like life is roses. My H until this day thinks he was entitled to have As because he was the "man". You'd think it was cultural but it isn't. Most people feel ashamed when they are caught but this jacka$$ has always been smug about it. Serial cheaters could possibly get away with it because they feel entitled and lack remorse. So they can act like all is well. Perhaps another interesting thread topic.

January, I don't think you're derailing the thread...or was it me? I hope you get your issues sorted soon.

April 30, 2012

Thanks, TBK. You explained my thinking better than I could!!! And thanks for giving a man's perspective. Reminds me of that movie "Why did I get Married 2" where Tyler Perry while attempting to make love to his W senses something was wrong. Or was it that she whispered another man's name? Can't quite remember.

I think that's it. Some, if not most, gas light but others act like life is roses. My H until this day thinks he was entitled to have As because he was the "man". You'd think it was cultural but it isn't. Most people feel ashamed when they are caught but this jacka$$ has always been smug about it. Serial cheaters could possibly get away with it because they feel entitled and lack remorse. So they can act like all is well. Perhaps another interesting thread topic.

January, I don't think you're derailing the thread...or was it me? I hope you get your issues sorted soon.

I didn't see the movie. Do you recommend it? Maybe start a thread of *Nemo's Movie Reviews* I'm going to need a good DVD rental this coming weekend.

You're correct. Serial cheaters often feel a sense of entitlement as do narcissistic personalities. That entitlement, in their minds, gives them license to do whatever makes them feel good, and it's often at the expense of others. They generally feel like it would be unfair to deprive some poor maiden of the blissful sexual gratification that only they can give, because in their minds, they are somewhat god-like.

April 30, 2012

January2011, that's so sad. Basic gas lighting, acting like you were the problem. Are you still M? (Sorry I don't know your back story).

AFH, I agree with you. The WS suddenly develops interests that are different, hip even (especially if they are seeing younger people), becomes more self aware as if to impress someone all over again. Arrrrgh!!

You know Spark and Seren, I just don't know how you did it. Sometimes I wonder though if because the WHs feel guilty they treat you worse than if they don't? I could be grasping at straws. It just seems to me that the unrepentant ones had a much better time having As (psychos, I know) and exhibited happiness. Oh never mind...I don't know how to describe it. I'll think about it some more.

Oh definitely, I think that is a good point!

We had to be demonized so that their guilt is assuaged as they run back to their AP where all is blissful and perfect. Some APs encourage this dynamic as well.

Next: Picking fights over inconsequential bs, often, to have the reason to leave in a huff explained as "going to cool off." I guess she didn't have custody of her child that Saturday!

And another.....slowly isolating themselves from family and friends, seeing less of anyone who would advise them against an affair. Starting to become critical and angry with them and begging off from social invitations with that old group of married friends. They and the AP slowly become their only reality.

Starting to socialize with a men from work who purposely go out to spy, scout and hit on women. Truly, a bit unsavory...all under the guise of "going out with the guys from work. They invited me." That was something he had never done before, and certainly never with guys like this.

He mentioned her name twice, as in "friend from work" then NEVER mentioned her name again so the affair was starting.

Amazing in retrospect how they create a world and socialize with people who would not judge this. Making it all seem okay at the time?

I think so.

And the old adage remains true! "If you lie down with dogs, YOU WILL wake up with fleas."

April 30, 2012

My husband started chatting online a huge amount, which was something he'd never really done before. Up until then, he'd had no problem with me looking at his facebook with him, and he'd do it with mine. all of a sudden, that was a "no -no".
We'd almost always go to bed at the same time, but all of a sudden, he was staying up late downstairs on our computer ( told me he was playing some game or other, but if I went down to talk, he'd be online)

I figured that he was stressed out about some things ( work, our kids, issues with his family, etc.). He finally told me that he was chatting online with a girl from work, but they were "just friends"...

I feel really silly now, as I believed that. I trusted him that he wouldn't cheat, and I figured that she since she knew we were married that nothing would happen, as why would a single girl want to be with a married guy ( dumb of me, i know)

his behavior started changing...he got grumpy and was very short tempered, then he'd tell me I was acting "moody". He was also short tempered with our kids, but again, I chalked it up to other things.

Poor kids. I bet they couldn't understand what they'd done wrong.

(((((Hugs, FS)))))

April 30, 2012

This topic interests me, since I'm studying to be a couple's counselor. I've read a lot about the topic, and heard testimonies from my sister (who was cheated on by her husband). Here is what I was told are the signs of an affair:

1. Guards his cell phone, and won't let it out of his sight, or turns it off while at home, or leaves the room or house to take the call, or leaves his phone in his car.

2. Takes a shower immediately after returning home.

3. Has a prepaid phone in his car so the calls cannot be discovered.

4. Acts distant or unusually grumpy, or starts to blame you for insignificant things in order to make himself feel more justified for having the affair.

5. Suddenly pays more attention to grooming, exercising, or wearing new clothes.

6. Spends excessive time on the computer, and quickly switches screens when you approach him.

7. Has a sudden interest in doing his own laundry. Comes home from work and immediately starts to do laundry, including the clothes he is wearing.

8. Brings a change of clothes to the office, or is bringing clothes home from the office that he is not wearing.

9. Finds a variety of reasons to leave the house at night.

10. Keeps a stash of grooming products in his car (mouthwash, toothbrush, cologne).

11. Suddenly knows sexual techniques that he never knew or used before.

12. Loses interest in family activities.

April 30, 2012

FS, I like that saying!!! In my language, we are a bit more...err insulting. We say "If you sleep with a dog, you must be a b&@$h". And funny enough it's in reference to Ms but in a different way. It means if your H is a "bad" man and you stay with him, then something is wrong with you. So you should leave him, change him or accept him...or else you become a "bad" W. I couldn't resist it.

Kathy, I like your list. It seems from what I've read here and seen IRL that your list is spot on. I think my H was just a serial cheater. While he didn't have grooming products in his car permanently, he bought a whole lot of them. Whenever his car was getting cleaned, there'd be deodorants, talc powder and his favourite face wash. I always asked him why he kept buying more and more of them. Until now, I didn't know this was a tell tale sign. Duh!!!

April 30, 2012

That stupid cell phone was the only thing that made me truly suspicious! :mad: Oh, and when he traveled for work he used to want me to call him in the morning and wake him up (I was always up early). That stopped last fall, and now I know it's because she was with him.

OMG, I hate men! Ok, no I don't, but you know what I mean

April 30, 2012

That stupid cell phone was the only thing that made me truly suspicious! :mad: Oh, and when he traveled for work he used to want me to call him in the morning and wake him up (I was always up early). That stopped last fall, and now I know it's because she was with him.

OMG, I hate men! Ok, no I don't, but you know what I mean

So much progress . . . and then a sudden setback.

April 30, 2012

So much progress . . . and then a sudden setback.

Just a bad day...but I think I'll live

April 30, 2012

Yes, Sandie, we know who you mean in particular.

I still can't believe (I'm actually annoyed now) that the constant buying of deodorant was a sign!!! I feel like such an idiot!! He never stopped buying them!! And there I was thinking he'd stopped cheating...apparently because the one thing that got to him stop was the worry that his huge project (also his legacy) would suffer. OMG!! That man must be laughing his head off at me for ever buying that he stopped. :sick:

Funny that after so long I take particular offense at being taken for a ride. I so get why Clara Harris lost it.

April 30, 2012

The first time: I was so stupid and honestly don't remember a lot of it.

Wanted to move back to home city at the end of July when we had JUST moved into new house at the first of July..that's right, same month
Suddenly unhappy with job
Started leaving every weekend to go home city and look for job
Cold, indifferent and critical
Started to exercise, dress nicely

This time:

Found facebook and made it his life
Stayed on the computer all of the time
Became cold and indifferent to me
Walked by me when I was working non-stop on my laptop (trying to keep us out of debt) and not even saying hello or kiss my azz and going directly back to computer in other room
Hiding what he was looking at on computer
Told me the TV shows I was watching were silly and he did not want to watch them with me
Ate the dinner I cooked in front of the computer
Looked at porn daily (found out later....keylogger)
Told me that WE had been unhappy for years
Became unbelievably irate (when at the motel in other city for one year check-up post transplant) that he was unable to get on the computer out in the lobby.
Called me bit** and other hateful names during the episode above
Wanted sex in the middle of being hateful and cold with me
Changed all passwords
Lied about things that I knew were lies
Forgot his lies and got confused as to what he told me
Told me I imagined everything and always was looking for things where there was nothing (yeah, right!)
Put hookers, strippers and many, many women on facebook as friends and he had no idea who they were...you know the ones who have 2,562 friends.

Oh, dear Lord. There are more, but these are the main ones, I guess. I learned from the first time and spotted it pretty darn quickly. All the while he was doing all of this, everything was my fault and I was imagining things. Aye yie yie...piece of work, right?

Sign In

Tell tale signs of an A...

Recommended Posts

findingnemo

Spark1111

january2011

analystfromhell

findingnemo

seren

findingnemo

january2011

Furious

The Blue Knight

The Blue Knight

findingnemo

january2011

frozensprouts

findingnemo

The Blue Knight

Spark1111

findingnemo

KathyM

findingnemo

SandieBeach

The Blue Knight

SandieBeach

findingnemo

Steen719

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...