290312 Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 I just really want some advice to a problem that I have had for a few months with my boyfriend We met a little over a year ago, I was in the early stages of a divorce and he was just coming out of a long term relationship. We immediately hit it off and things moved on quite quickly, however at this stage I was still living in the same house as my soon to be ex-husband and it was difficult for us to meet up very often as he was still sharing a house with his ex girlfriend. We saw each other when we could for about six months during this time I was 100% committed to him despite being unable to see him very often. During the six months he found started the process of buying a house near where I live (which is a long way from where he comes from so I took this as a real indication that he was serious about me) Six months after we started seeing each other my divorce came through, my husband finally moved out and we were able to be together much more often. about a week before he was due to exchange on his new house, he was staying at mine and was unwell so was in bed asleep during the day, his mobile buzzed and because he had always been quite protective over his phone I picked it up and read it... it was from another woman. Further investigation of his text messages revealed that he had been texting at least four women sexually explicit texts. I confronted him and asked him to leave which he did. He came back the next day with explanations 1. When he split up with his ex he set about making up for lost time by getting as much action as he could 2. He was in this mind set when we met and was not prepared for "falling for me" 3. Because of the fact that we were unable to see each other much he thought it was ok to carry on seeing these women 4. He had stopped seeing them sometime ago BUT had kept in contact with them as he was keeping reserves in case I dumped him I made him text them in front of me and tell them that he would not be in touch any longer as he was now in a relationship. To cut a long story short I discovered that he has in fact cheated on me with two women since he moved close by. I want to make the relationship work BUT I am occasionally haunted by thoughts of him having sex with other women. He promises me that he has stopped "all that" now and that he wants a proper relationship with me but I worry a lot that he isnt being truthful because he has lied so many times in the past to me
findingnemo Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 His reason number 4 is the most telling for me. So when you threw him out, did he go sleep with one of the women? While I wouldn't trust him very much, the fact is that it's generally not a good idea to move from one serious R into another one without some time lapsing. Maybe he isn't ready to commit right now. Not because he doesn't love you but because he is still jaded about Rs in general. What happened in his LTR? Never underestimate bad break ups. There are such things as rebound Rs for a reason. People sometimes need other human beings to make them feel whole again after their primary R breaks up. But they are really not ready to give 100%. Some information about why he broke up would be helpful in giving us a better picture.
Author 290312 Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 He split up with his Ex GF because he didn't love her and she was pushing to get married and have kids. They split up in the summer of 2010 and we met in spring 2011. I wasn't looking for a relationship given that I was getting out of a marriage and neither was he. We were both quite clear about that from the first instance BUT we just got on. Part of the issue lies with his father who he had moved in with for sometime, since his father and mother got divorced back in the nineties his dad has had a series of lady friends often up to seven at a time,he sees these women until they find out he is not being faithful to them! he believes that you shouldn't get emotionally involved with someone and so my BF was encouraged in the time he was staying with his dad to so his wild oats. His dad also believes that divorced woman are off limits as they are just after your money! In actual fact I am financially independent and have my own very nice house and a good job so I am able to support myself. I do believe that he is serious about a relationship with me, he did after all move an awful long way to a new area to be close to me. He has opened up to me a lot in recent weeks about how his parents have influenced what he is like, he has said that moving near me was as much about moving away from that situation as much as being close to me, and how he has almost tried to sabotage our relationship in order to find out how serious I am about him. I am truly shocked that I have given him chances after he has cheated on me, Its not that I am desperate for someone to be in a relationship with, I just feel like we do have a future if we can only get over this difficult time
Spark1111 Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 I think it is time to pull WAAAAAAy back from this man. In NO WAY does he sound like relationship material at this time. Encourage him to sow all the wild oats that he needs to. But LYING about it to you is a huge red flag. He is not yet MATURE enough to settle down and commit to one woman. He is also insecure in that he needs back-up sexters in case you two do not work out. You too are recently divorced. It is time for you to start dating and meeting a lot of men. Have many relationships; friends, lovers, boy friends....just be honest with all of them about what you do. Not explicit; just inform them you WILL NOT BE exclusive with them as it is just too soon. Then do it! And see what shakes out of the bushes; who sticks around, who starts to care for your well-being. A man in love will profess, provide and protect a woman he finds really special. Until someone is filling up your gas tank on their dime and having your flat fixed.....with NO strings attached to their kind gesture.....do not commit to any of them. You may be very vulnerable right now and men can be somewhat predatory. They smell vulnerability in a woman from miles away. Get strong, get confident, and get going. You'll figure it out. PS: Daddy may be a real jerk. At what age do we stop blaming mommy and daddy for our idiocy?
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