Live-in Breakup with +added hugs and affection! WTF!?

[danm]

I fell head over heels in love with a highschool sweetheart 6 years after school ended.

 

BACKGROUND

 

She won me over and rescued me from a very dark place whilst I was on the dying cusp of a terribly unhappy relationship. I was under the thumb and living a life I did not want to follow, doing things that pleased her because she made me choose her over my own friends and family. I was a horrible person during this time. Too ashamed at the time I wasted. Too sad for the friends and family I neglected. I wasn't interested in jumping straight into a new relationship. Too afraid to get hurt.

 

But I did, because this new girl was the one. Literally, instantaneously. I had no 'breakup' moment with the ex. I saw her in the summer and we were together, we had some space for a few months, and without ever seeing her again, we ended over a simple phone call. I never heard since.

 

But from the start, I was hesitant and reserved about the new relationship. Whilst I was glad to be free from the past, I didn't get closure as such. I needed some sort of 'bust up moment' to tell her how she ruined my life. I needed her to take some responsibility and get rid of my baggage and guilt.

 

The new girl did all the initiating, and I remained somewhat reserved and 'seemingly unenthusiastic'. We didn't really 'date' because we knew eachother. It all happened so fast. I also snapped a lot at her for stupid little things that she tried to do for me. It reminded me of my ex making me do things without my input. I just wasn't ready just yet, but I couldn't pass this chance up. I took the baggage I had with me.

 

TWO YEARS LATER

Fast forward 2 years, and I am still with the childhood sweetheart. We bought a house 8 months in. But we argue. All the time. I still get frustrated at her bossy nature, and relate all too much to that ex. I am punishing the new girl for the lack of venting I never had.

 

THE ROW

Then we had the mothership of all rows. I called her horrific names; she threw things at me. We cried for hours and agreed it was over for both of us.

 

I was devastated, and it truly rocked me. But for some surreal reason, I felt free of the baggage I was holding and hatred for my ex. I didn't resent that time. For once, I felt like I truly had something I cared about; something I felt true pain at losing. Everything came into perspective. This was where my true heart was.

 

THE SECOND CHANCE

Here lies the problem. We moved to separate rooms immediately. 2 days later, we talked, and agreed what we had was too much to throw away. We'd do it all again, from the start. Build a relationship where I gave her 100% of myself, without any reserved hate and unfulfilled closure for anyone. We would date. We would go slow.

 

CHANGES HER MIND

A day after, she changes her mind. She says she can't give me another chance. She can't trust me to hurt her the way I shouted when she just wanted to help me out. She has told me I am too possessive and don't make her feel wanted by not going out often and doing things together. I always moaned. (work stress, lack of libido, stress of moving house whatnot). She wants to remain friends, on good terms, and we will sell the house when we decorate and do it up. No urgency, this sort of thing takes weeks and months. Crazy. And we are meant to stay there together, as friends. And she doesn't want to go out next week and do the whole 're-dating thing'.

 

WHAT DO I DO?

At the moment I am putting on a brave face. Were still cooking and eating together. I mean today, I tried so hard to keep a distance when she left for work and stayed in the bathroom. She is used to me getting her lunch in the bag, unlocking all the doors, opening them and walking her to the door, token cuddle and kiss and wave her off to work, another blown kiss through the window. Cheesy, but we do it daily.

 

She said her byes this morning, but I stayed in the bathroom. I made her do all her lunch packing. I could tell she was waiting for me, because she repeated it louder, to emphasize she was leaving. I said nothing and let her get right up to opening the door and stepping out with just a verbal 'cya' without seeing me. I could tell it bothered her. Until I caved in and ran down to hug her bye at the 11th hour. I am awful! But what makes it worse? The hugs - they arent a 2 second thing. Theyre a good 30 seconds, and the tighter I hug, the tighter she does it back. I cant help myself but hold her longer and firmer and kiss the hair covering her forehead.

 

And whilst she walks off down the path, im looking aimlessly at the floor trying to ignore my heart. As she disappears around the corner, I look up to see her walk back and wave again... TWICE! She went round that corner, vanishes, then popped a few steps back to wave again and smile in a silly way.

 

Despite telling me it is over. Despite telling me I will find someone I get on with better and don't argue with. Despite telling her this bust up has put things into a whole new level for my baggage issues (now defunct). Despite her telling me she 'loves me' but isn't 'in' love with me anymore. Heck I even kissed her and she let it happen, before saying no she can't do that.

 

There is something still there. But she is also leading me astray and continuing old habits. It is so infuriating.

 

What do I do?

 

THE IDEA

Last week I was going to stay at my parents and have ZERO contact with her. But I was also going to leave her an instruction note on the inside door each day to 'meet at XXX pub at 19:30. Wear something red' for a series of dates after work. She would only see me for the duration of the date, with the idea that if I won her heart back in a week, two, three, she'd invite me back to (our) house for the 'first' time.

 

Corny, but I liked the idea. But shes told me no to doing the re-dating thing above when she changed her mind.

 

I want to try it anyway. Would it be foolish?

[danm]

Heck, in the worst case scenario and she doesn't bite/turn up - I get to have a drink in the evening, and may get talking to someone else for the night.

 

Ahhh. It's ruining me!

[Philosoraptor]

This relationship happened too fast. You met someone and idolized her because you were in an unhappy relationship. When you're unhappy everything out there looks brighter. You did not get to know this girl yet you purchased a home with her? I thought I was insane for buying a house with my fiance...

 

It seems like you merged lives before you even had a chance to get to know one another. And once you got to know each other, you were not happy with what you saw. I stayed unhappy for awhile because the lives were too tangled. Would you stick around or be giving this as much of a thought if it were not for having shared assets? I know looking back I certainly would have put my foot down if it were not for owning the home together.

 

It's not easy to separate assets, but it can be done. It will take a few months... but the relief once it's over is amazing.

[danm]

Thanks for the quick reply.

 

Splitting the house isn't an issue. It is what it is. We have a contract we both wrote up dealing with what happens in this situation if it ever came to it. That's as easy as pie, we've discussed it. Even what to do with the cats we have.

 

But there is no surface hate in what has happened. It is so... calm. We're both upset, and we both look like we haven't slept in a week, but things are crazily calm. I am enjoying my time with her more than I ever have, because I have let go of my demonds. I see her for what she is, just helping me out.

 

But we aren't together intimately. And that is painful.

 

I don't know if I should just bide my time and enjoy the weeks we have like this; and just get emotionally torn when the end REALLY happens and we part ways. Or edge towards rebuilding upon the magic we originally had with this awakening.

 

I truly feel like I have had a revelation. I am not remotely religious, but I just no longer feel any frustration towards the previous ex. Though she was a large part of my life, and I cannot change but only learn it as an experience, she was so insignificant.

[Philosoraptor]

You still felt frustration at the previous ex? That right there should tell you that you weren't ready for the relationship you were in. I'm really not sure that you two knew you were compatible before you moved in together or not.

 

Honestly my path here would be to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I'd sell that place as soon as possible and make sure not to put anyone's name on anything until you already have a legal tie to them... aka marriage.

 

If after selling the house you two decide to get to know one another and date... I hope it works well for you. If not, you will at least be ready to start moving on without the house monkey on your back.

 

Breaking up sucks. But most times it's for the best.

[danm]

She's a girl who holds her heart on her sleeve.

 

She appreciates someone owning up to faults, and truly apologising when they mean it. I am stubborn and let things drag out, and sometimes don't apologise for a while after an incident. I've been horrible, but she told me she understands my hurting, and that there is so much good in me just waiting to get out.

 

It means a monumental amount to her when I do reflect and apologise sincerely, because she sees that change.

 

I can't help but wonder why she isn't so keen to move out? If she ended it, surely she would be out that door; or forcing me to? She'd want it over with, right? Sold and done.

 

I can only wonder if she is not just waiting for me to grow some balls and go get her. Sit her down and talk about everything that went wrong, and how it and I can do things differently for the better. To be humble to her for hurting her. To get that winning change she has worked so hard to get me at, that final bettering of myself. The person she helped fix is the person she deserves. I'm here now - and she isn't going to have any of it?

 

Do you not think she might be holding out for that?

[Philosoraptor]

It's much easier to end a relationship than to cut ties. Just because you feel comfortable with the familiarity that someone brings doesn't mean you want to be with them. In my eyes she has made her choice and likely spent a good deal of time thinking about it. It's easier to come to a decision that you desire than to go through the process of making it a reality. Even during the "second" chance you alluded to she quickly changed her mind as it looked good to begin with, but the familiarity didn't change the fact that she didn't want the relationship.

 

I would sell the house and give her as much space as possible. One day you may be able to see where friendship takes you, but for now I'd try to cut ties.

[danm]

So what does that translate to in terms of showing these moments of affection towards eachother? To me she made a clear sign she wanted to be noticed this morning. She responds to all hugs and moments that have happened since the split.

 

And what with the playful running back and doing silly waving to me?

 

It can't be done, it reads too flirty again.

 

Do I outrightly just say bye from the bathroom tomorrow. And deny anything further? I know she will head to work upset and hurt. I guess that is the point?

 

Tell her I am moving out? Tell her she is moving out? And give her a date to sell the house, without fixing it up? Spending time with her and knowing it is not going to resolve is stomach churning.

 

I will take all advice on board, but think I need to talk to her tonight and set some ground rules to stop this, as it is giving me false hope.

[Philosoraptor]

I think you need to give her what she wanted. She wanted out and needs to accept that is what she asked for. Not only will it give you both clarity but also prevent any unnecessary pain.