ex-ex bf- now my best friend, been arguing lots lately- can it work out? (LONG)

[lady_jadie]

Hi again everyone

 

been boring everyone on the break-ups forum for too long now, but today an issue that has been running parallel to my other one has caused me some pain. Sooo, instead of sitting moping alone I thought- LoveShackers to the rescue, hehe.

 

Basically (says she- I always ramble on loads when posting so BE WARNED)

My best friend used to be my boyfriend 3 years ago. We only recently became friends again (about a year ago) and in october I had to go away for therapy. We got along brilliantly until this but since I got back in Jan we've been arguing loads. We spend every weekend together and other nights if we have spare time. But now we get into nasty fights at least once a week. We have a LOT of history:

 

About 6 years ago I got into a relationship with a guy 3 years older than me (I was 20, him 23)

We were together for 3 years, and about a year in just became a classic stoner relaltionship- never going out except to work, staying in playing videogames and smoking pot and watching films and tv. We managed to maintain a good social life though, friends coming over (and Xbox live-it DOES count as hanging out with friends ;D ) and I don't feel like I wasted my life doing it. But I have an issue (recurring in relationships) where I find out about a partner's previous gf's/flings/random 1-nighters and then get really obsessed, demand to know about every detail and then find my OH disgusting and argue, bring it up all the time and it gets progressively nasty... so I started 'playing up' about 1 1/2 years in, wouldn't let this meaningless 1 night stand he had before he met me, go, then about 2 years in I got pregnant by accident. My then Bf had developed a bad temper due (Ithink) to weed and me being a pain. So I told him and he turned round and said 'at leat we know we can get rid of it'.

 

Although I knew I wasn't ready for a child, This blunt response hurt. Besides which, being pregnant was HORRENDOUS. I was sick every hour or so (I only found out because I passed out at work and a co-worker suggested I could be pregnant)

I booked an ab but had to wait 3 weeks. During this three weeks I was really ill, in bed all day unable to eat, passing out etc etc. Then-BF simply continued his stoner life, even still inviting friends over to ours, playing videogames really loudly in the next room, smoking just as much.

I had to be hospitalised twice due to ketoacidosis, but basically recieved no support from him emotionally whatsoever. In fact he blamed me totally even though I was on the pill. My mum took me to hospital, visited me, etc. He visited me once. My mum took me to the termination. On the morning of it i asked him to at least be out of bed when I got back, which was met with a barrage of 'F**K you I'll do what I want'. we never really spoke about it again but for me it was a terrifying and horrible experience.

 

So after this we returned to stonering, but I started to go to my best friends a bit more, (I'd neglected her for stoner life a bit before ) we'd just hang out and drink and have 'theme nights' and go and 'harass' (in a not actually harrass, just go over drunk for our own amusement and talk to them for ages way) her neighbours. One of whom I woke up one morning (fully clothed) in his bed with, after a party, with him kissing me. We'd always referred to him as creepy dan cos he was a little wierd kindof.. but after this he basically pursued me HARD, asking me for my number, etc. We got closer. He asked me to break up with my Bf. It was a decision I agonised over for weeks, but BF remained bad tempered and unwilling to ever go out, so I did it. He wouldn't accept it really so I had to be more brutal and blunt than I had wanted to be really. We both lived with my mum, but new guy Dan pretty much wanted to be with me all the time and asked me to move in with him rather than stay sleeping in the same bed as now-exBF, which I had been doing for a few weeks and it was awkward and awful, he cried everytime i went home, but wouldn't move out, begged me for another chance, then begged we could stay friends. Eventually I just cut all ties, moved to Dan's, started to ignore his calls, and I was with Dan now. Now that story is another, the subject of many a painful post on other threads and now OVER too, but basically I got really depressed in that relationship too after a while (possibly bc it was a GIG relationship- I dunno) but I lost a lot of weight and EXBF heard through mutual friends who were worried, so after a painful breakup from Dan, EXBF (Dev) called me up and we went for a drink. We got on really well. He's turned his life around, stopped smoking weed, lost a load of weight, better job etc etc.

So anyway we became friends again, June last year. We went to a festival with other friends and had a great time. basically became best friends.

 

There were occasional drunk sleeping togethers but we are JUST Best FRIENDS. I don't feel 'that' way about him at all and I'm not sexually attracted to him. I know, I shouldn'tve slept with him then, but I was in pain from my last breakup...

 

So we spend all our free time together, don'tsleep together any more (but I DO sleep in his bed when I stay over).

 

He's really depressed a lot too now and it's because of me. He admitted he's fallen back in love with me, and that since i went away for therapy he's been terrified of losing me as a friend, which is why he's acting so differently and why we're arguing. But other times he claims the therapy has 'killed' me and it's ME that's different.

 

I guess, after all that backstory, what I'm asking is; am I making this all worse? We had a good weekend but a bad argument this morning when we woke up. He shouts things like he's had a sh*t weekend but then says he didn't mean it when he's calmed down. He is my best friend and the thought of not having him there is horrible. I lean on him a lot through my depression but a lot of the depression is bc of my breakup with my ex- who I left him for- so since he's told me his feelings for me I've felt really insensitive if I'm miserable about that.

I'm also worried about him- he beats himself up about how he can never forgive himself for how he treated me when we were in a relationship. I've advised him to go to the dr's as I think he has depression but his response is- that won't change what I've done, I f**ked it all up with you before and nothing will change that.

 

I've made it clear to him that I don't feel 'like that' about him btw. I felt really harsh doing it though, and I've had to do it more than once.

 

We've had loads of heart to hearts about what happened in our past relationship, because we really want our friendship to work. But we always say we forgive each other, then an argument crops up and one of us says something. It's basically like being back in a relationship but without the romantic love!

 

Any ideas/help/similar experiences would be a blessing, cheers...

[DontWorryBHappy]

Sigh.. It's hard for me to have patience for a thread like this. Friends do not sleep together. Friendship does not consist of one person being in love with the other. In a male-female relationship, I really believe that the only time when you can sleep in the same bed together is when the guy is gay. Otherwise, that's just not what goes on in a true platonic friendship. Don't try to argue with me on these points because your ex/friend is now IN LOVE WITH YOU. That proves that I am right, and that you two have done things together that friends don't do. In my opinion you've jerked him around. He sleeps in a bed with you because he loves you, not because he's your friend. Think about what your doing and scale this thing way back. If it feels like you're still in a relationship, that means you're doing it wrong.

[lady_jadie]

Thankyou for your feedback don'tworry. Although I feel it could have been worded in a slightly less abrasive way.."Sigh.. It's hard for me to have patience for a thread like this". As stupid and obvious as it might seem to you (and others) I'm clearly posting because I'm asking for help in a situation I've never been in before, and don't know how to handle correctly and kindly. Partly because, in my circle of friends, we DO sleep in each others beds, many of us, male and female, purely platonically, and have done many times over the years we've all known each other. I don't think everyone I've shared a bed with is now in love with me.

 

Anyhow in other areas, I know you're right. I haven't jerked him around intentionally, I had no idea how things were going to end up like this. I havetried to scale it back before though, and he gets distressed and upset. Besides, he is my best friend. How do I scale it back while at the same time causing minimum pain to him and not losing our friendship, which is really important to me, and him?

 

thank you again for your advice.

[Furalina]

Hi Lady Jadie, just been reading through your posts, dont worry about being long winded, these things take time to explain. Also I totally understand what you are saying about the whole sleeping in the same bed thing, it is also common in my friendship group and it is usually ok for people to do it and maintain their friendships on purely platonic grounds, although I have noticed that sometimes feelings can develop from one party which are not reciprocated. I really think it's important for you to take a step back from this guy and establish boundaries, and at least give him a chance to deal with his feelings for you. The more you see him the more you are unintentionally feeding his desire, making it less likely for him to let go of it while he thinks there could be a slight chance for you. You say you really dont want to lose his friendship but there can't really be a working friendship while there are these one-way feelings he has for you, as this will get in the way of things happening the way they should naturally in a friendship. I would advise definitely cutting down on a lot of the time you see him at least until he is feeling better about things, even if it hurts you to do it.

I stumbled upon one of your posts relating to jealousy about partners ex's, I was googling it because I have realised that I exhibit may of the signs of BPD and also have the same problem that you have with obsessive jealousy of my boyfriend's ex girlfriends, which may start with a small seed of me comparing myself to them based on some small comment he's made, and always builds into a horrible all consuming obsession where I must extract as much information as possible about them in an almost self-harming manner, like an addiction, (I know i shouldnt ask but I cant help it, it hurts but there's some small part of satisfaction in it). I cant stand thinking of stuff he did with them and it makes me want to avoid anything that reminds me of stuff he's told me about them like places they've been, things they've done, and even stupid stuff like bands his ex used to be into etc...This has happened with all my previous relationships too and maybe stems from being bullied and feeling very sexually unattractive at school, or maybe stuff my mum said/did when I was a kid. Not sure. I also suffer depression and am on an SSRI which doesnt seem to be working as well as it once did.

Anyway I just wanted to say that when I read your posts I felt so weird knowing that someone else has suffered with this horrible feeling too as it feels like im such a freak sometimes. I really hope things work out for you, with both this best friend/ex guy, and also with your feelings for your ex who you've recently broken up with. I can really relate to your pain and know how it can be so hard when the way you are acting is often not understood by a partner even though you are in so much pain and the only way to get through to them is by hurting yourself or being really extreme. I'm probably not the best person to dish out advise as my mental state is not great at the moment (hence the fact im on google self-diagnosing on a friday night when all my mates are probably out partying) but I really wanted to just come on here and let you know that you're not the only one who goes through all this crap! take care xx

[lady_jadie]

Thank you very much for your reply, although I am sorry to hear it, it's a horrible situation to find oneself in and I can truly empathise. Thank you also for your advice regarding this post, and for your kind wishes. god knows I've tried everything to resolve this issue, and been through three serious relationships which have all broken down in large part to this (although at points I have wondered, whether it is a symptom of being unhappy with other aspects of the relationships, but i don't think so) but it's so damn uncontrollable, it's awful and i wouldn't wish it on anyone and yeah, it leaves you looking like a freak to those who have no comprehension.

 

I have the same thing too of just staying in at times when i should probably be out partying with mates, trying to help myself - stuck on google frantically searching for the post which has the answer haha - they never do..

 

xxx