krambis44 Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 So this may be kind of a long story but I'm kind of freaking out and not sure what I should do so I'm curious what others think. About a year ago I started dating this girl I had a crush on the year before. We were friends to begin with and I ended up getting feelings for her over the course the year leading up to our relationship. We would hang out and have a random make out session every few months before we started dating but as I developed feelings for her I became so nervous around her I could never get the courage to ask her out. Ironically she was the one who asked me out. So we dated for about a month was all before she broke up with me because she told me that she thought I was too into her, which I was, I always wanted to do everything to please her and would do anything for her, which I can see now is a problem and I don't blame her for breaking up with me. I would be weirded out by that too. Anyway we split up but still text each other and hang out every once in a while because we always would get along so well and have so much fun together. But my feelings for her never really went away and I tried to stay away from her as much as possible because I didn't want to get attached again. So about a year goes by and I decide to use one of those dating websites because the other relationships I had were never meaningful. I fill out all my information being honest describing who I was and what type of girl I am interested in. The next day I get a list of girls who I am compatible with and who comes up as a 98% compatibility rate, but my ex girlfriend who I had a crush on before. I always knew I was never really over her but tried hard to forget about it and move on. I freaked out and deleted my account because I was so confused. I end up calling her and asking her out for dinner just to catch up because we used to hang out all the time and had such chemistry together. The dinner went very well but of course I may have seemed nervous and I never ended up mentioning the dating website situation and I may have gotten a hint that she is seeing someone but am not sure. Well she is no longer on that dating website and I am becoming more convinced that she is dating someone. My problem is that this knowledge of the dating website compatibility between her and I is starting to drive me crazy, because I want to tell her but don't want to ruin the friendship. But I also don't think I can really hang out with her if she is seeing someone else. I'm just looking for advice on what I should do or just thoughts on the situation in general. If you have any questions let me know because there is some of the story that may need clarification. Thanks.
TheFinalWord Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 So this may be kind of a long story but I'm kind of freaking out and not sure what I should do so I'm curious what others think. About a year ago I started dating this girl I had a crush on the year before. We were friends to begin with and I ended up getting feelings for her over the course the year leading up to our relationship. We would hang out and have a random make out session every few months before we started dating but as I developed feelings for her I became so nervous around her I could never get the courage to ask her out. Ironically she was the one who asked me out. So we dated for about a month was all before she broke up with me because she told me that she thought I was too into her, which I was, I always wanted to do everything to please her and would do anything for her, which I can see now is a problem and I don't blame her for breaking up with me. I would be weirded out by that too. Anyway we split up but still text each other and hang out every once in a while because we always would get along so well and have so much fun together. But my feelings for her never really went away and I tried to stay away from her as much as possible because I didn't want to get attached again. So about a year goes by and I decide to use one of those dating websites because the other relationships I had were never meaningful. I fill out all my information being honest describing who I was and what type of girl I am interested in. The next day I get a list of girls who I am compatible with and who comes up as a 98% compatibility rate, but my ex girlfriend who I had a crush on before. I always knew I was never really over her but tried hard to forget about it and move on. I freaked out and deleted my account because I was so confused. I end up calling her and asking her out for dinner just to catch up because we used to hang out all the time and had such chemistry together. The dinner went very well but of course I may have seemed nervous and I never ended up mentioning the dating website situation and I may have gotten a hint that she is seeing someone but am not sure. Well she is no longer on that dating website and I am becoming more convinced that she is dating someone. My problem is that this knowledge of the dating website compatibility between her and I is starting to drive me crazy, because I want to tell her but don't want to ruin the friendship. But I also don't think I can really hang out with her if she is seeing someone else. I'm just looking for advice on what I should do or just thoughts on the situation in general. If you have any questions let me know because there is some of the story that may need clarification. Thanks. Couple of things: 1) You can't extrapolate an entire story in your head based on her profile on a dating site. 2) That said, she probably is dating someone or has been. If someone is moved on, they are either open to dating or are dating someone else. 3) You might have great chemistry, but it sounds like it's more on your end than hers; otherwise you wouldn't be broken up. It seems the intensity is much more on your end than hers. That and you are taking the old feelings and assuming its still the same for her. It's not though. She broke up with you. I don't know about others, but I always feel it's best to tell someone how I feel. The way I see it is you have two choices: 1) Live in quiet desperation and torture yourself by continuing to hang out with this girl. 2) Tell her how you feel and see what she is thinking. Don't ask about dating other people. That's not your business since you're not together. Just focus on you and her. If she says it's over, you have to then man up and do WHATEVER you have to do to move on. If this is the case, what I would recommend, is telling her that you care about her but need time away from her. Personally, I don't see how someone can stay friends with their ex if they still have feelings for them, but that's just me. All I know is that in that situation, there are no rules. It's all about your survival at that point. More often than not you have to "go no contact" as the phrase is coined here. Take it from me... You cannot allow yourself to stay hung up on a chick that doesn't have a romantic interest in you.
Author krambis44 Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 I think I tend to over think things too much. I agree that relationships don't work unless both people are invested in it and I guess I never felt that she really tried when we dated, but yes the relationship was probably one sided. I was really confused for a long time because when we broke up she told me that she felt more comfortable around me than any other boyfriend she had before, probably a lie to make me feel better. I feel like I need to tell her about this story and how I feel about her because it is tearing me up inside. It's not like she and I really hang out now or will ever hang out like we used to again so if she says no it won't be like I'm really losing a great friend, but it will suck nonetheless. I tend to not do things sometimes because I fear the consequences, but in this instance, I need to something or else I will fear not doing anything.
truth_seeker Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Yes, you definitely need to have a talk with her. Get it all out in the open. From what you wrote, she likes you more as a friend not as a boyfriend. She asked you out because she was curious, perhaps a test, to see how you would be like as a boyfriend. She got her answers and then broke up. She likes you as a friend, enough to occasionally play with you when she's available and maybe lonely, but not enough to be her man exclusively. You can't be friends with her. Your feelings are too strong for her. She either has to be your girlfriend or nothing. If it's nothing, never speak to her again. You will only torture yourself as you will hope she will come around and want to date you. Have the conversation, get YOUR answers, then make the best decision for you.
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