NYC-BigKat Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 I keep seeing this & that about how a guy needs to take steps back so he can build up his confidence but hows that even possible if he cant get a gf to get the ball moving? I wont lie to u or myself that I have less & less confidence 'cause I feel like girls wont even consider me no matter how nice I am & upbeat or whatever they give me a minute & then poof! I do want confidence so badly 'cause I hear girls like that but all I'm gonna get is false confidence which is not good really .
USMCHokie Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 How about you build confidence by accomplishing things in other areas of your life...? Perhaps education, career, or physical fitness goals, for example? You'd better get yourself under a sturdy desk because I'm about to drop some knowledge on your head... Women can sense when you base your "confidence" on the attainment of a woman, and it is terribly undesirable. Be confident in other aspects of your life first. It's those qualities that make you desirable to women, not the fact that you can get a date... 5
ThaWholigan Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 How about you build confidence by accomplishing things in other areas of your life...? Perhaps education, career, or physical fitness goals, for example? You'd better get yourself under a sturdy desk because I'm about to drop some knowledge on your head... Women can sense when you base your "confidence" on the attainment of a woman, and it is terribly undesirable. Be confident in other aspects of your life first. It's those qualities that make you desirable to women, not the fact that you can get a date... ^^this I don't think I can add anymore onto this other than perhaps more detail if OP wishes to ask any questions elaborating on this.
Author NYC-BigKat Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 How about you build confidence by accomplishing things in other areas of your life...? Perhaps education, career, or physical fitness goals, for example? You'd better get yourself under a sturdy desk because I'm about to drop some knowledge on your head... Women can sense when you base your "confidence" on the attainment of a woman, and it is terribly undesirable. Be confident in other aspects of your life first. It's those qualities that make you desirable to women, not the fact that you can get a date... I dont think that matters really 'cause I have things going for myself. I'm about to graduate from NYU with a MBA in health admin & business mgmt so I got things going but none of this matters 'cause I cant get even get the chance to tell a girl about my accomplishments when they never ask me anything really . I think girls just look at my face & already make up their minds that they dont wanna be bothered before I open my mouth. It looks like girls just know what kinda guys they wanna give a shot to just by looking at them. My frnd gets girls all the time & he has no job & zero money in his bank acct but girls never know 'cause they never ask they just fall for his bs & thats that. My honest good nature does nothing tho.
ThaWholigan Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 I dont think that matters really 'cause I have things going for myself. I'm about to graduate from NYU with a MBA in health admin & business mgmt so I got things going but none of this matters 'cause I cant get even get the chance to tell a girl about my accomplishments when they never ask me anything really . I think girls just look at my face & already make up their minds that they dont wanna be bothered before I open my mouth. It looks like girls just know what kinda guys they wanna give a shot to just by looking at them. My frnd gets girls all the time & he has no job & zero money in his bank acct but girls never know 'cause they never ask they just fall for his bs & thats that. My honest good nature does nothing tho. I'm curious, how do you talk? I mean, what are the ins and outs of your style of communication?
USMCHokie Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 I dont think that matters really 'cause I have things going for myself. I'm about to graduate from NYU with a MBA in health admin & business mgmt so I got things going but none of this matters 'cause I cant get even get the chance to tell a girl about my accomplishments when they never ask me anything really . I think girls just look at my face & already make up their minds that they dont wanna be bothered before I open my mouth. It looks like girls just know what kinda guys they wanna give a shot to just by looking at them. My frnd gets girls all the time & he has no job & zero money in his bank acct but girls never know 'cause they never ask they just fall for his bs & thats that. My honest good nature does nothing tho. And isn't necessarily all about the number of letters that follow your various degrees, either. Those were just examples. Do you have anything else in your life that you're proud of or accomplished in? Any skills, interests, or hobbies that you're well versed in? And have you actually ever verified that a woman wouldn't give you a shot just from looking at you...? Or did you just sit back, assume it without actually talking with her, and ultimately reject yourself? I used to think exactly like you did. I was this well-accomplished and smart guy who had his sh*t together. But I kept telling myself that what I had to offer wasn't what women "wanted." I know now that I can never get anywhere with an attitude like that, because I defined myself as a guy that women didn't want. I never had a chance. And like you, I had lots of very attractive friends that I would get jealous of due to their success with women. Many nights going out and witnessing all the attention they drew from gorgeous women, while I sat on the side, watching and moping. At that point, I just defined myself as the group's weird friend who didn't talk much. Again, I never had a chance. Instead, you need to define yourself in a positive light. In a light that you are proud of. In a light that women will desire. Until you get over your friends' apparent "success" with women (which took me forever and is still a work in progress), you will never be that person. Instead of being the guy with the average face, be the caring guy with the great personality; be the guy with a great education and good career prospects; be the guy that women want to meet. Then just approach them as that guy. And then let them tell you that those are qualities that they don't want. I doubt that you'll find many who will...
Author NYC-BigKat Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 I'm curious, how do you talk? I mean, what are the ins and outs of your style of communication? I talk normal what do u think? I cant be stupid or sound stupid if I'm gonna get a MBA right? Stop looking for excuses please? These girls like a certain type of guy & I'm not fitting that mold. Now I gotta find some way to deal with this 'cause its not getting better for me. These same girls are gonna come running to me 10-15 yrs down the line after they get used up by the lowlives they dated & had kids with watch & see 'cause they'll need a man with lots of money to take care of them & I'm gonna say no!!!!
starla33 Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 You cant rely your confidence on a gf or getting a gf. You need to work on this before you even date anyone because people can smell an insecure person from a mile away.
USMCHokie Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 I talk normal what do u think? I cant be stupid or sound stupid if I'm gonna get a MBA right? Stop looking for excuses please? These girls like a certain type of guy & I'm not fitting that mold. Now I gotta find some way to deal with this 'cause its not getting better for me. These same girls are gonna come running to me 10-15 yrs down the line after they get used up by the lowlives they dated & had kids with watch & see 'cause they'll need a man with lots of money to take care of them & I'm gonna say no!!!! Good lord, this sounds EXACTLY like me a while back whenever I got drunk... Oh, such sad times...
Cracker Jack Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 I talk normal what do u think? I cant be stupid or sound stupid if I'm gonna get a MBA right? Stop looking for excuses please? These girls like a certain type of guy & I'm not fitting that mold. Now I gotta find some way to deal with this 'cause its not getting better for me. These same girls are gonna come running to me 10-15 yrs down the line after they get used up by the lowlives they dated & had kids with watch & see 'cause they'll need a man with lots of money to take care of them & I'm gonna say no!!!! I'm sure he's referring to how you talk to these women in particular. You could talk normal, but you could still come off odd during your approach. What type of girls are you actually approaching? And stop focusing on women that deal with bad boys. I can't think of anything more distracting from the big picture than that lame crap. 1
JesseJames Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Sometimes women will intentionally try to shun all those they perceive as threats... threats to anything. If you threaten nothing, look good, speak well, and have your snit together, then the answer is simple... you either try to create the culture or you move.
USMCHokie Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 I'm curious, how do you talk? I mean, what are the ins and outs of your style of communication? I'm sure he's referring to how you talk to these women in particular. You could talk normal, but you could still come off odd during your approach. What type of girls are you actually approaching? And stop focusing on women that deal with bad boys. I can't think of anything more distracting from the big picture than that lame crap. I'm sorry, but no analysis of his communication or targeting methods will help him until he gets a better sense of himself. You can give him all the tricks in the book, but he won't have faith in any of it and will always believe in the back of his head that he's either not good enough or that all women are the same... I feel an SD incarnate... I only speak from a place of experience... 2
yongyong Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 I have a '30 bucks friend'. He talks to those women at the lowest level in a bar. (older than him, fat and ugly. single mom. not a good job) Once he gets rejected he gets mad because he is single and makes 30 bucks an hour. he keeps saying 'I make 30 bucks an hour but these bxtches making 12 bucks an hour doesn't want to talk to me' It kind of makes sense but it's pathetic at the same time. Be honest yourself. How does your appearance look like compared to those girls? If you are not as attractive as they are but can show higher status (sitting in a VIP table, hanging out with interesting people) then you will have a chance. If you look like you don't belong to one of the girls and are hanging out on the same floor, it would be harder. it all comes down to your vibe (looks and confidence) I am not going to say 'lower your standard' (like my friend) you will probably act like him after rejections and rejections. All I can say is just keep trying. Here is the list 1: just say 'hi' 'cheers' or smile while walking by 2: say something simple 'what are you drinking? cool' 'I like your shoes' 3: make them talk to you for five minutes (hey I can only talk to you for little bit and have to go back to my friends. let me ask you blah blah.....and just leave) 4: make them laugh. Tease them. 'oh you did volunteer work? was it for hair and make up? lol' 5: Build comfort. squeeze their chicks, pet their head, rub their shoulder or back. 6: Go for the kiss when the time is right. obviously kissing at the bar doesn't mean anything. you will realize it's not too hard. I will give you respect if you do that during daytime though. 7: Invite her to come to your place and F U C K her like an animal. If they ignore you within couple minutes, obviously you can't aim for the bang. Don't even think about brining them home. When you can't even go through the door then you can't think about owning the place right? If you start from little by little, I guarantee you will improve a lot. (make sure work on your looks and watch some pickup stuff too to learn the common sense about the game)
Author NYC-BigKat Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 I'm sure he's referring to how you talk to these women in particular. You could talk normal, but you could still come off odd during your approach. What type of girls are you actually approaching? And stop focusing on women that deal with bad boys. I can't think of anything more distracting from the big picture than that lame crap. I'm like every other normal guy I like a girl that looks nice. Why should I go for a girl that looks awful just to get a girl? Nope not me . I just keep on running into cute girls that give me excuses or always have a bf already & I cant do anything with that can I? My mother once told me last yr that I might be in the wrong culture 'cause NY keeps changing so fast & its hard to keep up sometimes & all the ppl I'm in school with run to the parties & the club scenes whenever they get a break to do so but not me. I tried to go a few times but I got bored with all that stupid loud music. How can u get to know girls in those crazy places not me. Gee all I want is to find a cute girl around my age thats single & wants to just gimme a shot just 1. I wont mess up for the life of me!
Wayne Root Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Confidence is not a cause; it is a result. Confidence is a byproduct of having other attributes. If you were over six feet tall and were a billionaire you would not be lacking confidence and you'd have all the women you wanted.
joystickd Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 I'm like every other normal guy I like a girl that looks nice. Why should I go for a girl that looks awful just to get a girl? Nope not me . I just keep on running into cute girls that give me excuses or always have a bf already & I cant do anything with that can I? My mother once told me last yr that I might be in the wrong culture 'cause NY keeps changing so fast & its hard to keep up sometimes & all the ppl I'm in school with run to the parties & the club scenes whenever they get a break to do so but not me. I tried to go a few times but I got bored with all that stupid loud music. How can u get to know girls in those crazy places not me. Gee all I want is to find a cute girl around my age thats single & wants to just gimme a shot just 1. I wont mess up for the life of me! Clubs and bars lol. Maybe you should actually try maybe meeting someone at a bookstore or a different location. Its not really about the culture. I'm from a small town but I bet I could go up there and meet women. The main problem I see here is that you made this issue important. Honestly clubs and bars are some of the hardest places to find someone. The reality is women's defenses are up and they hope to meet someone in different environments ex bookstore, grocery store. I bet you would probably have more success than bars and clubs. The other thing is you actually have to be more open to learning from men you deem not as smart as you. I see men and women have no success because they are not as open to accepting advice from someone who is not as smart as them.
Seneca Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 USMCHokie pretty much answered your post. But I'm seeing a pattern that I've always noticed about people that either struggle or succeed. Not only with women but with life in general... And it's as simple as this... It's the stories you keep telling yourself. You keep telling yourself you need confidence. But reality is, you don't need to find confidence. Because you already have it. We were all born with it. But as we grew up we created our own limiting beliefs. If you want to be more confident. Just be it. Picture how it looks, tell yourself you are confident, and act on it. Try this for an experiment: Everyday get excited and tell yourself, "Today I am more confident in myself and beautiful women notice this and want to talk to me." Do this for at least 15 minutes in the morning. Try doing it throughout the day. And then do it for at least 15 minutes before going to bed.
Shaun-Dro Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 USMCHokie pretty much answered your post. But I'm seeing a pattern that I've always noticed about people that either struggle or succeed. Not only with women but with life in general... And it's as simple as this... It's the stories you keep telling yourself. You keep telling yourself you need confidence. But reality is, you don't need to find confidence. Because you already have it. We were all born with it. But as we grew up we created our own limiting beliefs. If you want to be more confident. Just be it. Picture how it looks, tell yourself you are confident, and act on it. Try this for an experiment: Everyday get excited and tell yourself, "Today I am more confident in myself and beautiful women notice this and want to talk to me." Do this for at least 15 minutes in the morning. Try doing it throughout the day. And then do it for at least 15 minutes before going to bed. OP, you're getting sound advice so please heed to them. I don't get why you allow walking sex objects with nothing more to offer you but looks or sex to get you so wound up? It's different if you actually formed a little bit of rapport with them, but you haven't, so who cares? I think women are sensing your neediness around them so they steer clear of you altogether. I recall telling you in another thread to forget them and just focus on doing you. I guarantee you they will notice you then when you've quit paying them much attention.
yongyong Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 One more thing, like someone said, you should base your confidence on your accomplishment. But here is the thing. At a club/bar environment, a hot blonde girl working at clothing store has more value than a shy, average looking brain surgeon. So it's up to you. you can either adapt yourself to the situation or go to somewhere else.
ascendotum Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 OP, you're getting sound advice so please heed to them. I don't get why you allow walking sex objects with nothing more to offer you but looks or sex to get you so wound up? It's different if you actually formed a little bit of rapport with them, but you haven't, so who cares? I think women are sensing your neediness around them so they steer clear of you altogether. I recall telling you in another thread to forget them and just focus on doing you. I guarantee you they will notice you then when you've quit paying them much attention. He cares because... He's been able to achieve what he wanted in terms of his educational goals + soon to be on track for his career aspirations, and he's frustrated be can't achieve any success when it comes to a big part of the social aspect of life PLUS he’s frustrated because he's horny and sees desirable girls every day he wants to 69 but they give him the 'yeh whateva' response to him. There have been some pretty good responses here. I fully agree with the 'focus on doing you', but the trouble is guys who are LT single & a little anxious/desperate ideally want an immediate impact + tangible solution. Just focus on yourself, for some can mean a struggle in the meantime with no set deadline for success. It can also be a little hard to maintain the faith long term if the OP usually ends up in bars/clubs on thu/fri/sat nights with his mates, some of who are a hit with women. Hokie, as for build confidence by accomplishing things.. if the achievements had some sort of social kudos (ie successful artist or .com entrepreneur) it would help more in this regard, OP has an MBA, so has in fact achieved accomplishments in education and career is a work in progress. There's plenty of guys like YongYong's 30buck mate who gets knocked back by, minimum wage (6's) girls, and just don't quite get the rules of attraction. There's plenty of girls out there who are shop assistants, data entry clerks and receptionists (hobbies are shopping and FB, only read WHO Weekly + the Twilight books, and who's favorite media is trashy reality tv)....who are going to peg many young successful education/career guys who are not blessed with masculinity and confidence, as loozers & lamos. The mba's going to tick the boxes in 10 yrs time but when he's in a club now, its not a pussy wetter. When it comes to building confidence with women, having sex with attractive women, trumps pretty much all other extracurricular activities....its a snowball effect, and the longer it takes to get rolling the more guys can end up doing what hokie said..."I kept telling myself that what I had to offer wasn't what women wanted." and thats makes it harder still. He's got to become a 'fun' guy. I certainly dont want to discourage the OP, but, its just not that easy as 'get confident stupid', but really confidence is a big deal, once you start to get it you look back and realise, trouble is girls are not going to help you if you dont got it to begin with. OP - Do you have any female friends, sisters, sisters friends, mates gfs, that you could ask what they would do to give you a style makeover to improve your success? Have you got a mate who does well with women (who's not lot more handsome than you) who you can team up with, and he can be the ice breaker with chatting up girls? Also don't put total emphasis on waiting for overt signs of interest from a girl, before deciding that the girl is not interested in you. I was guilty of that for a while. I would watch the body language of the girls that would flirt with some of my good looking mates when we were out (the IOI were plenty) and I would wait for these, as a greenlight to then ask a girl out. It doesn't quite work so obviously if you're a quite natured avg joe, in the absence of obvious disinterest, you have to take chances and escalate and risk offence.
somedude81 Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Confidence comes from accomplishing things that you care about. If you really want a GF and are unable to get one, even though you have an education a great job, house and a car. You're still not going to have confidence. Other than actually getting a girl, the only way to get confidence would be to simply not care if you get one. Though that is something I have no idea how to do nor would I even want to. I see no point in living a long life if I never get to experience a relationship. The last thing I want to do is come home to an empty house everyday for the next 40 years. Screw that.
PJKino Posted April 30, 2012 Posted April 30, 2012 Confidence is a overused cliche fluff word in the dating world,it doesnt magically make somebody attractive 1
Author NYC-BigKat Posted April 30, 2012 Author Posted April 30, 2012 He cares because... He's been able to achieve what he wanted in terms of his educational goals + soon to be on track for his career aspirations, and he's frustrated be can't achieve any success when it comes to a big part of the social aspect of life PLUS he’s frustrated because he's horny and sees desirable girls every day he wants to 69 but they give him the 'yeh whateva' response to him. There have been some pretty good responses here. I fully agree with the 'focus on doing you', but the trouble is guys who are LT single & a little anxious/desperate ideally want an immediate impact + tangible solution. Just focus on yourself, for some can mean a struggle in the meantime with no set deadline for success. It can also be a little hard to maintain the faith long term if the OP usually ends up in bars/clubs on thu/fri/sat nights with his mates, some of who are a hit with women. Hokie, as for build confidence by accomplishing things.. if the achievements had some sort of social kudos (ie successful artist or .com entrepreneur) it would help more in this regard, OP has an MBA, so has in fact achieved accomplishments in education and career is a work in progress. There's plenty of guys like YongYong's 30buck mate who gets knocked back by, minimum wage (6's) girls, and just don't quite get the rules of attraction. There's plenty of girls out there who are shop assistants, data entry clerks and receptionists (hobbies are shopping and FB, only read WHO Weekly + the Twilight books, and who's favorite media is trashy reality tv)....who are going to peg many young successful education/career guys who are not blessed with masculinity and confidence, as loozers & lamos. The mba's going to tick the boxes in 10 yrs time but when he's in a club now, its not a pussy wetter. When it comes to building confidence with women, having sex with attractive women, trumps pretty much all other extracurricular activities....its a snowball effect, and the longer it takes to get rolling the more guys can end up doing what hokie said..."I kept telling myself that what I had to offer wasn't what women wanted." and thats makes it harder still. He's got to become a 'fun' guy. I certainly dont want to discourage the OP, but, its just not that easy as 'get confident stupid', but really confidence is a big deal, once you start to get it you look back and realise, trouble is girls are not going to help you if you dont got it to begin with. OP - Do you have any female friends, sisters, sisters friends, mates gfs, that you could ask what they would do to give you a style makeover to improve your success? Have you got a mate who does well with women (who's not lot more handsome than you) who you can team up with, and he can be the ice breaker with chatting up girls? Also don't put total emphasis on waiting for overt signs of interest from a girl, before deciding that the girl is not interested in you. I was guilty of that for a while. I would watch the body language of the girls that would flirt with some of my good looking mates when we were out (the IOI were plenty) and I would wait for these, as a greenlight to then ask a girl out. It doesn't quite work so obviously if you're a quite natured avg joe, in the absence of obvious disinterest, you have to take chances and escalate and risk offence. Wow u make great great pts really u do but the frnd I sometimes hang out with is just avg looking 'cause girls even tell me that he is but he has this way of talking to a girl for a few mins then ignoring her or w/e & then that same girl gets stupid & starts looking at him later & tries to get him to talk to her more. He does this alot & it looks ridiculous to me but these girls for strange reasons seem to like it & I dont get it . Anyhow my sister is few yrs younger than me & she says she gonna have me hang out with her to meet some girl frnds she has but for now I feel scared they may look for excuses to not like me too 'cause its become custom. I just wanna get a chance to tell them how successful I'm gonna be real soon after I grad on may 17th but girls just never ask the famous question of what do u do?
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