Girlfriend cheated on me whilst drunk.

[imbirox]

Hey all,

I've posted this on another part of the forum, but I really want more opinions on this.

 

All I can ask is you please be respectful for me.

 

I've been dating a girl named Ella for 8 months now and we were close friends before the relationship too. I'm very much in love with her and she feels the same. I'm just turned 20 and she's nearly 19 years old.

 

My previous relationship ended badly so with this new one I was too scared to tell her I loved her until we were 3 months in. As soon as I told her, she told me she felt the same way and has so for a few weeks prior. Life was good.

 

Here's the problem. One week after she told me she loved me, she went out on the town. I had to work the next morning so I couldn't go. She ended up getting extremely drunk and happened to see a guy I know through her named Dave (who is extremely muscley). I knew Dave as he used to date Ella's sister and was super in love with Ella's sister still, but she kinda just kept him on a leash as she was good looking and had options I guess.

 

Anyway she got extremely drunk and had no where to stay, so she went back to Dave's friend's house who he was staying at. I don't know how this happened but she was pretty out of it, and he came to her bed and kissed her and fingered her. She kissed him back and let it happen. Then this is the worst part, she gave him a full headjob, then after he finished they both went to sleep.

 

This is where gets crazy.

 

She woke up the next morning and felt horrible. She told me something was wrong and I got out of her what happened but not who it was with. She was completely regretful, a depressed blubbering mess. I was scared she was going to kill herself over it.

I was a complete mess and didn't know anyone else in the town so I went to the only person i knew for advice....DAVE!

 

She didn't tell me it was Dave as she didn't want my friendship ruined with him. I spoke to him telling him 'I can't believe it! She loved me and somehow gave a guy a headjob! How could this happen!'. After 10 minutes he told me it was him and he was sorry. I just stormed out of the house and needed time.

 

I went back to Ella and spoke to her. We talked some stuff over.

 

From that point on she stopped drinking, she didn't go out for 3 months and now she only goes out with me. She tells me she loves me everyday and respects me. She bursts into tears whenever I bring up what happened and regrets it SO MUCH. Whenever I bring it up, she doesn't recover for a few hours. She's always missing me when I'm not around. Dave took a heap of pills and tried to kill himself, but he got caught and was stopped. Ella's sister completely cut off Dave and now he is depressed and lonely. I'm not friends with Dave anymore and neither is Ella.

 

So now we are nearly 9 months along as I decided to forgive her and it's still crossing my mind daily. I just can't believe it happened and it's really eating at me. I love her so much and so does she. I love what I have with her and I don't want to give what I have up with her, just because of a mistake she made, which she is extremely sorry for and is in the past. I'm so in love with her, but I don't want to live like this. I'm scared I'll be depressed if I leave her or not find anyone like her.

 

Would you give up the best thing you've ever had because of a drunken mistake?

 

And no, she's not lying. That is what happened, that is all that happened I assure you. Ella can't lie, it would just eat her up. I asked them both and they both told me what happened. She did not have sex with him and has been very loyal since the mistake. I just don't want people making assumptions that aren't true, i promise you.

 

My question is.....what should I do? Can i get over this and recover from it, or should I ask to go on a break from her. I just don't want to lose her and i'd miss her. I just can't understand how this happened

 

She swears she had no intention of cheating on me and is not attracted to the guy. She's attracted to me. I guess I'm angry because something so pure and great, has been soured by one drunken night.

 

Most recently I've thought about breaking up with her, although another post on here talks about a guy who's wife cheated 20 years ago and has been loyal since. Everyone in that thread is saying 'just forgive her' because she has been loyal since, yet my Ella has been loyal since aswell and most people are telling me to dump her, even though I'm super in love with her and she is with me. Just wondering if you guys can help me out with this. I deep down feel embarrassed by this.

[Feelin Frisky]

I sympathize with your pain. Drunkenness never excuses anything in my book. It's unfortunate that you know so much detail however. I think it would be easier to just chalk it off to an infidelity the nature of which is irrelevant but you are stuck with knowing the gory details of head for effect with no breaks. The one saving grace is that you weren't married and she betrayed no vow. If she means everything to you now and you trust her, your choice is letting her carnal indiscretion be unforgivable where you must choose to face the future without her or opt to be more a little more disciplined yourself in what you allow yourself to dwell on.

[Wanderer25]

She confessed first thing in the morning and made major changes to her lifestyle. That is a start. That is as good as it gets with infidelity. Whether you can bear it and move on depends on you.

[Radu]

I find it interesting it happened just 1 week after the 'I love you' exchange.

 

I also find it interesting that her sister did that kind of stuff, as it was probably an example for her about what to do in relationships. Older or younger sister, and by how many yrs ?

 

For these reasons i would question everything she has done.

 

And keep in mind that forgiving and forgetting are 2 different things.

Forgiving will take yrs, and forgetting will never happen.

 

PS: The only mistake you make when you are drunk is letting your inner self out as you are less inhibited.

Drunk or not, that inner self still exists.

[whichwayisup]

I think she needs to forgive herself and you need to forgive her too. She was remorseful, told you right away and stopped drinking too. She has proven to you that she is worthy of another chance. If you can't forgive her then end it. She knows if she cheats again it's over immediately! Though from what you've said she loves you and isn't going to make that stupid mistake again by putting herself in a situation where it could happen again.

 

would couples counselling help?

[manup]

I think she needs to forgive herself and you need to forgive her too. She was remorseful, told you right away and stopped drinking too. She has proven to you that she is worthy of another chance. If you can't forgive her then end it. She knows if she cheats again it's over immediately! Though from what you've said she loves you and isn't going to make that stupid mistake again by putting herself in a situation where it could happen again.

 

would couples counselling help?

 

They're 20. Dude just cut your losses and move on.

[ThatDudeXO]

would couples counselling help?

 

As Manup said, they're so young. That's a ridiculous suggestion lol

 

Here's the thing, she found someone else attractive and she blew him. It's not like it was an innocent kiss that she instantly regretted. She remembered she was with you the whole time but she didn't give a **** because she was with a possibly more attractive guy than you and she took the time to put his penis in her mouth where you kiss her.

 

And worst of all it's her sister's ex!!!!

 

To me, your GF sounds untrustworthy and isn't worth your time. I know you posted this thread again in the hope that people would reinforce your decision to keep her but in my opinion it's the wrong decision.

 

And Dave will be laughing at this story for a long while your with her. He got to mess around with 2 sisters and one of them is still kissing you.

 

I'm sorry I'm so blunt but I can't stand for a nice guy as yourself to be humiliated in this way.

[YellowShark]

While she does sound remorseful, and trying to change her lifestyle, (both of which are very positive moves.) I am having trouble processing how his dick got into her mouth. I mean really, that's a HUGE leap from just kissing. That is the only part I am having trouble with.

[findingnemo]

Maybe you should forgive her. You want to give it another chance. You're convinced she is remorseful but can't forget what happened. It could have been a mistake. It does sound like she regrets it.

 

My main issue with this whole thing is that she did this with a guy who was in love with her sister. We are talking a lack of serious boundaries here. What happened to the ones we have with our siblings? You do not get involved with your sister's paramour.

 

I think you can take the time to know if she is truly remorseful. You're both young and hopefully not considering getting M soon. Anyway, take this as a major red flag. Stay with her if you want to but never forget that she's capable of causing you pain in a big big way.

[nofool4u]

I take it you are reposting this because you didn't like what you heard in the other thread, which for the most part was dump her.

 

So stay with her and learn the hard way. Good luck.

[ThatDudeXO]

I take it you are reposting this because you didn't like what you heard in the other thread, which for the most part was dump her.

 

So stay with her and learn the hard way. Good luck.

 

Exactly my thoughts.

[Danie]

It sounds like you’ve already made your choice and you will remain with her. That’s totally up to you. No one knows her like you know her…and no one knows your situation like you know it.

 

I think that it’d be wise to talk about couples counseling for both of you. It would be wise for you to go to individual counseling. I think your main goal is to learn to live with the reality. Both of these resources will help both of you understand your relationship better and the individual counseling will help you understand yourself better. I would highly encourage you to think, think, and think some more about the motivations behind your choices…really dig deep into yourself.

[ThatDudeXO]

It sounds like you’ve already made your choice and you will remain with her. That’s totally up to you. No one knows her like you know her…and no one knows your situation like you know it.

 

I think that it’d be wise to talk about couples counseling for both of you. It would be wise for you to go to individual counseling. I think your main goal is to learn to live with the reality. Both of these resources will help both of you understand your relationship better and the individual counseling will help you understand yourself better. I would highly encourage you to think, think, and think some more about the motivations behind your choices…really dig deep into yourself.

 

Couples counselling at 19? Really?

[Entropy3000]

This is not the woman you are looking for. Let her start her life anew with some other dude she can be faithful with.

 

Like many 19 year olds she has no concept of boundaries, like getting stinking drunk, using this is an excuse for cheating and staying at another man's place overnight.

 

Living with the reality is seeing that she is not mature enough to handle a relationship.

 

These things are not mistakes, they are choices.

 

Move on.

Edited May 1, 2012 by Entropy3000

[Danie]

Couples counselling at 19? Really?

 

 

Why not? What is the very-very worst that can happen? He may learn a thing or two about mature relationships. He may learn a thing or two about himself in the process. He will definatly learn more about her and her views on relationships and such.

 

I can tell you at 19 years old I KNEW everything there was to know about everything...or so I thought. Had I had more understanding of myself I would have saved myself some unmecessary heartache.

 

If he goes to IC or CC he will gain more knowledge. I do believe that knowledge is power.

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[Danie]

This is not the woman you are looking for. Let her start her life anew with some other dude she can be faithful with.

 

Like many 19 year olds she has no concept of boundaries, like getting stinking drunk, using this is an excuse for cheating and staying at another man's place overnight.

 

Living with the reality is seeing that she is not mature enough to handle a relationship.

 

These things are not mistakes, they are choices.

 

Move on.

 

 

I would hate to be judged now on the mistakes I made when I was 19 yrs old. All people change with time and experinace. No one is chained to thier past. IMVHO.

[Joaquin]

I couldn't handle it if i found out my girl was swallowing another mans semen. Just to much. I'd move on.

[Michael Johnson]

Couples counselling at 19? Really?

 

There's nothing wrong with a grown man getting some counseling. Why the age stereotype about who can go get counseling?

[ThatDudeXO]

There's nothing wrong with a grown man getting some counseling. Why the age stereotype about who can go get counseling?

 

It's not just age. It's the fact they've only been together 9 months and his GF's problem is a HUGE lack of immaturity.

 

Counselling should be reserved where there is a significant lack of committment such as where kids are involved, engagement, marriage or financial committments such as house ownership etc etc.

 

Counselling will do nothing. She betrayed his trust and showed that she is too immature to have a serious relationship (yet).

 

Chances are when Ibrox has recovered, she will continue to get drunk and cheat but not tell him to save his pain.

 

She's not sorry she cheated, she's sorry she hurt him. She got with the guy she always found attractive and that's it.

[drifter777]

I would hate to be judged now on the mistakes I made when I was 19 yrs old. All people change with time and experinace. No one is chained to thier past. IMVHO.

 

This pretty much makes the point many of us are trying to make. Reconciliation after infidelity is one of the most difficult things a person can do.They are so young, are not married, don't have children; why go through all of this pain and drama?

 

He believes, quite adamantly, that he knows the whole truth regarding the sex that night and that it was the only time she strayed. When has this ever happened? We all know that the WS will reveal only the details they feel they need to in order to keep BS from searching for the truth. I, for one, am sure that there is more to the story, and as it trickles out he will have to re-live this whole disgusting mess all over again. The mind movies he is struggling with now are going to continue to torture him as long as he stays with her. All of these are reasons why young people who are trying out a committed relationship should end it and start over if one of them cheats.

[Danie]

This pretty much makes the point many of us are trying to make. Reconciliation after infidelity is one of the most difficult things a person can do.They are so young, are not married, don't have children; why go through all of this pain and drama?

 

He believes, quite adamantly, that he knows the whole truth regarding the sex that night and that it was the only time she strayed. When has this ever happened? We all know that the WS will reveal only the details they feel they need to in order to keep BS from searching for the truth. I, for one, am sure that there is more to the story, and as it trickles out he will have to re-live this whole disgusting mess all over again. The mind movies he is struggling with now are going to continue to torture him as long as he stays with her. All of these are reasons why young people who are trying out a committed relationship should end it and start over if one of them cheats.

 

No, we don't *know* that she will or has only 'trickle truthed' him. How could we *know* that? It can be assumed to be the case, but we simply cannot know this to be fact.

 

I really-really (REALLY) do not like the idea of *telling* someone else how to live thier lives. I am prefectly ok with advising or suggesting but not TELLING...so what I am doing is suggesting but in all realty he is going to do what he wants. Why rally against that? Why not work with it? He's going to have to discover the truth...HIS truth...all by himself.

[Michael Johnson]

It's not just age. It's the fact they've only been together 9 months and his GF's problem is a HUGE lack of immaturity.

 

So what if they've "just" been together 9 months? Doesn't make their relationship any less important than the one who's been together for more than 10 years. His GF's problem is not solely on a basis of immaturity. It's her lack of boundaries and you're dismissing it as just an age issue, which is not the case.

 

Counselling should be reserved where there is a significant lack of committment such as where kids are involved, engagement, marriage or financial committments such as house ownership etc etc.

 

That's a stereotype. Many couples who aren't married for 20 years with kids get help. That's what it's for. Being married does not automatically mean commitment and security, nor is it the be all and end all.

 

Counselling will do nothing. She betrayed his trust and showed that she is too immature to have a serious relationship (yet).

 

In this case since she has cheated, I agree.

 

Chances are when Ibrox has recovered, she will continue to get drunk and cheat but not tell him to save his pain.

 

She's not sorry she cheated, she's sorry she hurt him. She got with the guy she always found attractive and that's it.

 

And we can all agree with that but counseling is not just reserved for married couples.

[make me believe]

Omg couples counseling for an 18 year old and a 20 year old who have been together for 9 months? Come on.

 

If you are to the point where you need "counseling" and you've only been together a few months, aren't married, and don't have kids... why bother?? Obviously the relationship is not working. Cut the cord and move on! Why drag out something that is clearly dysfunctional and unhealthy?

 

OP, as a couple other people have pointed out you seem to have your mind made up already. But this is a ridiculous amount of drama and disrespect for a teenage relationship that's less than a year old. I think that when you look back on this, you will regret wasting time with her and forgiving her for sucking another guy off 1 week after she claimed to love you.

[ThatDudeXO]

forgiving her for sucking another guy off 1 week after she claimed to love you.

 

I laughed so hard after reading this ridiculous sentence but I agree.

 

OP, I'm sorry for being blunt and coming across as insensitive. You love or think you love your GF to work past this, then I wish you the best of luck. I hope it all works out for you.

 

To me the issue is with the lack of trust and the sheer humiliation your ex has caused you. If you find that you can work past those 2 things and your ex stays faithful, then you will have a happy relationship.

 

I'm 99.999% sure this will not have a happy/pretty ending but it's your choice. Good luck.

[g450]

I hate to sound insensitive as well but I had to laugh when I read all this as well.

 

MC at 19 Seriously? That is for long time marriages, especially ones with children and assets involved.

 

Not trying to be a horses azz but these two are children. They dont even know what they want but Im sure they think they do. They havent even begun to live and have been together less than a year.

 

It's very simple. Just leave her be. She will most likely be doing her thing for years. OP is way to young for all that drama. He needs to worry about jump starting his own life first.